Asking the Old Man-in-law for permission

[Prototype]

Maybe there's a line between asking permission to ask, and asking permission to marry. You should only be asking for permission to ask.

And if he says no... tell him she's with child, and you're trying to be a stand up father. If he punches you, you have the revenge of charging him with assault. Win, win.

[Ozy_Flame]

Ah, just get him drunk and pop the question under your breath. He'll stammer out something close to resembling a yes.

[Table 5]

Originally Posted by Antithesis

You also need to keep in mind that your girlfriend might be put off by your asking her father depending on her attitudes about such things. I don't see it being necessary, but if you wanna, then you wanna! ... ah ... I see it has already been said ... carry on then ...

Eh, if that's the case, she probably has some serious daddy issues. Clearly you're not there to trade a woman for a pig and two sacks of rice. What person wouldn't like to see their parents be respected? I'd assume having your kids get married is one of the prouder moments for a parent,and most parents would feel great about the gesture....why deny them that good feeling?

[LChoy]

Can it be anymore uncomfortable than when Danny asked Jack Bristow for his permission (Alias)?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0qaIvb3bGA

[Gozer]

What about asking both parents?

Might seem a little more progressive and respectful of the daughter (as in, the mother is equal to the father), or does that kinda taint the respect factor? Should it? Is that more of a family-by-family answer?

I don't mean this as a suggestion (at least not yet), I'd like to hear the thoughts of the CP's wise middle-aged.

[Slava]

^ I asked both parents because I thought that was the right thing to do...although I'm not middle-aged!

[Sainters7]

I'm not engaged, but I'm dating the girl I'm pretty sure I'm going to marry, and when the time comes, I fully intend to ask her father. He's old fashioned and I think he'll appreciate it. If for some reason he says no I'll still marry her though(so I guess its not so much asking as it is extending him the courtesy of letting him know ahead of time).

[Peanut]

My hubby asked my Dad first. He could've just as easily asked both my parents, but my Mom would have gotten too excited about the whole thing and had a hard time keeping the secret before he actually proposed.

It's old fashioned I guess. But I still think it's a nice gesture. And I can only imagine it would have to be a really, really bad situation for any future parent-in-law to actually say "no" when asked!!

[jtfrogger]

I personally disagree with this custom. It really goes back to the former school of thought that a woman is a possession. The concept of giving the bride away at the wedding is also part of it. Should the woman ask the groom's mother before she accepts?

So, I didn't do it. That said, my wife and her parents would probably have appreciated it if I did.

[MarchHare]

Maybe I'm not as old-fashioned as most other posters here, but I find the thought of requesting a father's permission (or blessing or whatever you want to call it) before proposing to be extremely distasteful and disrespectful of women. The tradition comes from a time when women were considered the legal property of their fathers, with "ownership" being transferred to the husband upon marriage (often for a price). Our society today is far more progressed than that, and adult women should be given the respect to make important decisions that will affect their entire life for themselves.

[Edit]
jtfrogger beat me by two minutes

[Sainters7]

Originally Posted by MarchHare

Maybe I'm not as old-fashioned as most other posters here, but I find the thought of requesting a father's permission (or blessing or whatever you want to call it) before proposing to be extremely distasteful and disrespectful of women. The tradition comes from a time when women were considered the legal property of their fathers, with "ownership" being transferred to the husband upon marriage (often for a price). Our society today is far more progressed than that, and adult women should be given the respect to make important decisions that will affect their entire life for themselves.

I agree, but I'll still do it. It's not so much that I'm asking permission as if she's a piece of property(as even if he says no, I'd still do it anyways), but rather showing her parents respect, and I suppose also to show that I'm a stand-up guy so they don't need to worry about what kind of man their daughter is hitching herself to. And I know her parents and my girlfriend would appreciate it, I really dont think she'll see it as disrespectful. Probably just the opposite actually.

All the traditions of the engagement are kind of ridiculous anyways(why does a man have to spend 3 months salary just to get engaged?? It started when some Austrian duke in the 14th century gave his girl some serious bling when he proposed, and somehow has fallen to the commoners the last few centuries. It's insane), might as well play along.

[Table 5]

Originally Posted by jtfrogger

So, I didn't do it. That said, my wife and her parents would probably have appreciated it if I did.

So basically it would've made your wife happy, her dad happy, and her mom happy but you didn't do it because you thought it was an odd custom. It's fine to have opinions on things, but sometimes doing what will make the people you care about happy trumps all.

[MarchHare]

I agree, but I'll still do it. It's not so much that I'm asking permission as if she's a piece of property(as even if he says no, I'd still do it anyways), but rather showing her parents respect, and I suppose also to show that I'm a stand-up guy so they don't need to worry about their daughter.

See, I showed my parents-in-law respect through my actions over years of knowing them. I didn't need to prove that I was a stand-up guy by asking permission, because they already knew that.

All the traditions of the engagement are kind of ridiculous anyways(why does a man have to spend 3 months salary just to get engaged?? It started when some Austrian duke in the 14th century gave his girl some serious bling when he proposed, and somehow has fallen to the commoners the last few centuries. It's insane), might as well play along.

Nobody is forcing you to follow all the silly traditions. My wife never wears jewelry other than her wedding band (she doesn't even have pierced ears), and thus she didn't want a diamond engagement ring. Instead of me buying her a really expensive diamond that she didn't even want, we bought each other really nice watches for an engagement gift. While the watches themselves were very pricy ($2200 each), they were nowhere near three months of my salary.

[4X4]

I think that each situation is too unique to say things like "it's outdated" or "he'd appreciate it" or "it's treating women like objects"...

Alot of families would see it as a gesture of respect. Both of my bros-in-law talked to my dad. But I doubt that they totally ambushed my sisters afterward by popping the question. I bet that there was talk of getting married, then out of respect, they chatted with my dad. Of course, my dad is a very approachable guy. On the other hand, my ex g/f's dad was a total pr1ck. There's no way I would have asked him unless she specifically asked me to. He made it crystal clear to me that he didn't like me, specifically because I wasn't part of their church.

But I think there's a difference between asking for permission and discussing your intentions. I'm sure that's where the conversation went with my dad and my sisters' husbands. He's a wise old man, afterall. And I'm sure the reason he appreciated being 'consulted' was because he's made pretty much every marital mistake possible, so the opportunity to level with a wannabe husband is something that he appreciates.

[Cowboy89]

For all those people who don't think asking the father/parents is a good idea based on the old view that women were considered property and it's disrespectful to a woman's independence; please remove that stick from your arse and patch up that chip on your shoulder. Now a days the father's permission is as warrented as the Governer General is needed to call an election. It's a ceremonial thing done in honor and respect to the family. It's not like they are by any means calling the shots in any shape or form. By doing such you indicate to your finance and your future inlaws that you respect family ties and future generations incurred by your marriage will live on in that spirit. Personally if the girl I was with viewed that kind of activity negatively I would take it as a sign that I wouldn't want to marry her.

[Sainters7]

Originally Posted by MarchHare

See, I showed my parents-in-law respect through my actions over years of knowing them. I didn't need to prove that I was a stand-up guy by asking permission, because they already knew that.
...Nobody is forcing you to follow all the silly traditions. My wife never wears jewelry other than her wedding band (she doesn't even have pierced ears), and thus she didn't want a diamond engagement ring. Instead of me buying her a really expensive diamond that she didn't even want, we bought each other really nice watches for an engagement gift. While the watches themselves were very pricy ($2200 each), they were nowhere near three months of my salary.

I do know her parents very well, I go over there for Sunday dinner a couple times a month. I also know their family is very traditional and he would appreciate it, and I know my girlfriend would appreciate it too. I really dont think it'd be seen as a form of demeaning her by anyone in the family including herself, but rather one of respect.

As for the second part, that's awesome that you were able to exchange watches like that, I'm glad you were able to get away from having to spend all that money on a ring, and especially that she'd prefer the watch anyways. As for most women(including my girlfriend), I'm sure they'd be extremely unimpressed if I handed her a watch instead of a ring. Unfortunately I think it's one of those weird things that's woven into Western society, and unless you're lucky enough to come across a free thinker like it sounds like you're wife is, you're probably stuck doing it.

[Jason14h]

Should I bring two goats or three to trade when asking for permissions? Does the amount of goats increase exponentially depending on her hotness factor?

[jtfrogger]

Originally Posted by Table 5

So basically it would've made your wife happy, her dad happy, and her mom happy but you didn't do it because you thought it was an odd custom. It's fine to have opinions on things, but sometimes doing what will make the people you care about happy trumps all.

I don't have a problem with odd customs. They are around us everywhere. Many are fun, many are entertaining, many do not have a deep rooted meaning that I disagree with. I also can handle doing things primarily to please other people. That is part of the fabric of a good society.

I believe that the notion asking for permission to propose or giving the bride away at the wedding is sexist. That is why I did not do it. I have never heard of a bride asking the grooms mother permission. Wouldn't that also be a respectful gesture? If you expect the groom to do this, why do you not have the same expectation of the bride?

Just because society is okay with certain customs does not make them right. There are many examples in the past where things were customs that are now believed to be unacceptable. Many people probably disagreed with them, but went along with them to appease family.

[MoneyGuy]

Originally Posted by Slava

^ I asked both parents because I thought that was the right thing to do...although I'm not middle-aged!

So how did they split the tie vote?

Knowing you as I do, I'm sure they gleefully accepted.
Sort of like this ----->

[MoneyGuy]

Originally Posted by Jason14h

Should I bring two goats or three to trade when asking for permissions? Does the amount of goats increase exponentially depending on her hotness factor?

My wife and I were in Africa three years ago and our safari guide in Kenya asked one of our female companions how much her husband had paid her father for her hand. It surprised him greatly to learn that that's not how it's done here. In Kenya, a man's wealth is measured in the number of cattle he owns.