Joke Competition Help Needed

[ResAlien]

^Dion thanks for reminding me. After this I'm done, promise.

A man living off the beaten path in Ontario has had quite a few to drink one night, I mean blind drunk. It's the dead of winter, and he decides that he wants to go ice fishing. He grabs his gear and heads off.

He finds a good fishing spot and sits down. As he starts cutting the hole, he hears a booming voice from above.

"There are no fish there"

Shaking it off, thinking he must be waaay to drunk and hearing things, he picks up and moves a bit down. Again, he starts cutting a hole, and again a voice booms

"There are no fish there either!"

Now the man is pretty shaken up. He looks up and stammers "....God is that you?"

"No jackass, it's the rink manager now get the hell out."

[Dion]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over And asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy And Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n Dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over The edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the Gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down Until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag Out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

[Dan02]

Originally Posted by InCoGnEtO

What is the first thing you do after raping a deaf chick?
Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest you meant a mute chick?

What do Barack Obama and JFK have in common?
Nothing....Yet!

hope you're fully prepared for the "random" secondary screening next time you go to the US.

[Dion]

One more and i'm done.

[stang]

SO a black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. He goes up to the bar and the bartender goes "Hey, thats pretty neat! Where did you get that?"

And the Parrot goes "Africa!! Theres fooking thousands of them!!!"

edit: and my 2000 post

[Dion]

Making money in the stock market is easy. Just buy stock in companies
that will merge. Here are my merger predictions.

1. Hale Business Systems

Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and
become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records

Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become: Poly,
Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and will not be called MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing

Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell
Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

[Locke]

Q: How do you kill a Fox?

A: You cut off one leg and make it run across Canada.

[Dion]

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good-looking females...

One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me," he asks, turning on his best charm, "but is this stool taken?"

[ResAlien]

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman

[Dion]

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

[Dion]

An old Indian was asked the name of his wife. He replied "Wife name Three Horse."

"That is an unusual name for your wife. Three Horse. What does it mean."

"It is an old Indian name. It mean Nag, Nag, Nag."

[Resolute 14]

Originally Posted by Locke

Q: How do you kill a Fox?

A: You cut off one leg and make it run across Canada.

Dude...I hate you because I'm going to hell for laughing at that.

[Crispy's Critter]

Originally Posted by Jason14h

How many Oilers fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

5

One to change the lightbulb bulb and four to talk about how good the old bulb was!

if you wanted to tell this one in a more CP-centric way, you could change it to:

How many CPers does it take to change a lightbulb?

5

1 to change the bulb, and 4 others to start threads about bringing back the old bulb.



theres some damn good jokes in here!

[Crispy's Critter]

Originally Posted by Resolute 14

Dude...I hate you because I'm going to hell for laughing at that.

I'll be right beside ya!

some of these jokes are just so wrong on so many levels....

[Dion]

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish petrol station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the driver is.."top o'the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two golfing tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those, son?" ask the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replied Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary and' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Buick think of everything!"

[SebC]

Another golf joke...

A bwoman spends the morning getting golf lessons. In the afternoon, she goes out for another 18 holes with her friends.

Shortly thereafter, her instructor finds her crying in the clubhouse. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"I got stung by a bee" she says.

"Damn," says the instructor, "where did it get you?"

"Right between the first and second hole" she replies.

"See," says the instructor, "I told you your stance was too wide!"

[simonsays]

So, a pirate walks into a bar. Looks like your stereotypical pirate -- peg leg, hook, eye patch, the whole nine yards. In addition to all this, he's got a steering wheel hanging from the fly of his pants. He walks up to the bar, and orders a whiskey. The bartender pours the pirate a glass, and says to him "I don't want to offend, but I thought you should know -- you've got a steering wheel attached to your fly." The pirate nods his head, and says:

"Arrrgh, I know. And it's driving me nuts."



---------------------------------


Q) How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A) Lets go ride bikes!

[Harmon Recoil]

Why do Canuck players have trouble surfing the internet?

Because they have a hard time stringing 3 W's together.

[iggnuef]

What does KFC and a hooker have in common??

Take away the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box!!

[Nufy]

How many Torontonian's does it take to screw in a light bulb....

1 to hold it and the rest of the world to revolve around him.....