Joke Competition Help Needed

[Newfieflamefan]

1. It was the time during Sunday morning service for the childrens sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said "that is a very pretty dress...Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, diirectly into the ministers clip on microphone "Yes, and my mom says it's a bitch to iron"

2. A little boy was doing his homework. He said to himself "2+5, that son of a bitch is 7", "3+6, that son of a bitch is 9"....The mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?". the little boy answered "I'm doing math homework mom". "and this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked..."Yes" he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day "what are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied "Right now, we are learning addition". The mother asked "adn are you teaching them to say 2+2, that son of a bith is 4?"after the teacher stopped laughing she answered " what I taught them was 2+2, the SUM OF WHICH is 4".

3. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of te story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read "...and so Chicken Little went to the farmer and and said 'the sky is falling, the sky is falling!'". The teacher paused, then asked the class "and what do you think the farmer said?"...One little girl raised her hand and said " i think he said: HOLY ! A TALKING CHICKEN!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Newfieflamefan]

a whole bunch of funny:

http://forum.anothersite.co.uk/feeling-funny/

[GreenTeaFrapp]

Originally Posted by millhouse11

what's a Jewish dilemma?

a free ham sandwich

The way I first heard it the answer was, 'half price pork chops'.

[Jason14h]

How many Oilers fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

5

One to change the lightbulb bulb and four to talk about how good the old bulb was!

[stang]

I have got a couple good ones... But they wont get by the filter.. PM me if you want them...

[czure32]

Im shocked that theres no dead baby jokes so far, because weve all heard them and weve all thought to ourselves after laughing, "Im going to hell"

my favorite:
whats funnier than 1000 dead babies in a tree?

one dead baby in a thousand trees
------
from south park:
knock knock
whos there?
an interrupting cow
an interupti....
moooooooooo!
-----
how many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?
none, they just sit in the dark and cry about it

[4X4]

What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

[stang]

So this boy is walking down the road, when he spys a Calgary Flames hat in the ditch... he picks it up and puts it on his head, and carrys on down the road.

He goes a bit when he is joined by a pedophile... They talk a bit when the guy starts asking him some questions.
"Have you ever seen a mans penis before?" the man asks
The boy replys "Well yes I have had some showers with my Dad and I have seen his."

The man then asks "Have you ever touched a mans penis?"
The boy replys "Well yes sometimes in the shower I bump up against my dad's"

The man gets a little braver and asks "Have you ever sucked a mans penis?"
The boy goes "Oh no, I am just found this hat, I am not really a Flames fan"

[JBR]

Four hockey fans are walking down the road when they find the nude, dead body of a young woman. They decide to call the police, but first cover parts of her body out of respect. One fan puts his Flames cap over her face. One covers her left breast with his Kings hat. Another covers her right breast with his Sabres cap. The last one places his Canucks cap over her crotch.

When the investigator arrives, he takes the Flames cap off.. writes some notes and puts it back. Next he uncovers the Kings hat, writes some notes and puts it back. He takes off the Sabres cap, writes notes and puts it back.

Lastly, he removes the Canucks hat, takes a look, and places it back. He does it again, taking a longer look... and then a third time.

Frustrated, the Canucks fans says "are you a police officer or a pervert?"

The cops says "I'm just confused. When I usually look under a Canucks hat, I see an "a-hole"....

[CaptainCrunch]

So this truck driver comes around the corner and finds a man lying broken and bloody in the ditch. He jams on his breaks and leaps out of the cab to you know, render assistance.

He walks up to the man in the ditch who's crying and asks if he's alright.

The man replies "my young trophy wife left me this morning and took all of my money. Then I pulled over to help a guy out and he stole my porche, as I was walking to town I was mugged and beaten to a pulp and my wallet was stolen"

The truck drive begins to calmly undo his belt and whispers "Wow, I guess its just not your lucky day"

[Jason14h]

What do the Oilers and the Titanic have in common?
They both look good until they hit the ice.

[Jason14h]

In court the other day there was a case regarding the custody of a small child.
The judge asked the boy, "do you want to live with your mother?"
He replied, "No I don't want to live with her because she beats me!".
The judge then asked, "Do you want to live with your father?"
The boy stated, "No he beats me too."

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of
the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently
a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of
allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Edmonton Oilers,whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[Jason14h]

A kindergarten teacher tells her class she’s a Oilers fan. She’s really excited about it and asks the kids if they’re Oilers fans too. Everyone wants to impress the teacher and say they are too, except ONE kid named Lennie... the teacher looks at Lennie and says, "Len, you’re not a Oilers fan?"

He says, "Nope, I’m a Flames!" She says, "Well why are you a Flames fan and not a Oilers fan?" to which Lennie replies, "Well, my mom is a Flames fan, and my dad is a Flames fan, so I’m a Flames fan."

The teacher's not very happy. She's a little hot under the collar and says, "Well, if your mom's an idiot, and your dad's a moron, then what would you be?!" Lennie says, "Then I’d be a Oilers fan!"

[4X4]

Not enough cannibal jokes and leprosy jokes in this thread...

Two cannibals are lounging in the kitchen. One of them is stirring a pot. The other one laments "man, I can't stand my mother-in-law". First one replies "then just eat the noodles".

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? Wipes his ass.

Did you hear about the leper hockey game? They had to stop it because there was a face off in the corner.

What did the leper say to the hooker? Keep the tip.

[StoneCole]

why is Beyonce always saying "to the left, to the left"?

[Jason14h]

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked
The children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman,etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good,
he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
T
he teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
The other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside
to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He plays for the Edmonto Oilers but I was
too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[Jason14h]

Two guys from Vancouver die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh?" The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh?"

Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan, and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.

NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is up with you two???" The guys from Vancouver look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know, eh?. If hell freezes over, it must mean the Canucks have won the Stanley Cup."

[stang]

Originally Posted by StoneCole

why is Beyonce always saying "to the left, to the left"?

OOOHHH I know the answer....

But I diont wanna say....

Screw it... Because black people have no rights

[Jason14h]

An Oilers fan and a Flames fan are walking down a beach one day when they come across a shiney object in the sand. The Oilers fan bends down and picks it up revealing it to be an old copper lamp. As he is cleaning it off by rubbing it with his shirt a magical genie pops out. As the two hockey fans stand wide-eyed in amazement the genie speaks, "Greetings, I am an all powerful genie and I am here to grant you each one wish."

"Ooh ooh! Me first!" exclaims the Oilers fan. "I wish that every Oilers fan could live together in peace and harmony in Rexel. No one else gets in, no one gets out. It will be a wonderful utopian society of every born'n'bred Oilers fan on Earth!"

*Poof* the Oilers fan disappears into thin air to join all the other Oilers fans in Rexel. The genie turns to the Flames fan and says, "And your wish?"

The Flames fan thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm... all the Oilers fans are in Rexel now?"

"Yes." answers the genie.

"And there's no way in and no way out, correct?"

"Correct Master." answers the genie again.

"All right then, fill it with water."

[Incogneto]

What is the first thing you do after raping a deaf chick?
Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

What do Barack Obama and JFK have in common?
Nothing....Yet!