Joke Competition Help Needed

[D to the iddy]

Hey All,

I'm having a joke competition with a friend where we each have to have a new joke per day over 31 days (starting on Monday) judged by a 3rd party on which joke they find the funniest. Essentially it's a best out of 31. As always when I have a problem, I run straight to CP to garner some ideas. I've already read the past joke threads but am still looking for a wider range of jokes. Thanks for all the help!

[GreenTeaFrapp]

Do the jokes have to be PG or is it anything goes?

[Tron_fdc]

2 cows are standing in a pasture. One turns to the other and goes "moo"

The other one turns and goes "bastid! I was going to say that"

[Tron_fdc]

2 flys land on a piece of turd. One fly lifts his leg and braaaaaaaap lets out a huge juicy fart.

The other fly turns and goes "pardon me, but I'm trying to eat"

[jayocal]

What's red and smells like green paint?

Red paint.

[Bagor]

A brain and a set of jump leads walk into a bar.

Brain: 2 pints please.

Bartender: Not a hope in hell

Brain: Why not?

Bartender: Sure you're out of your head and that fella with you looks as if he's going to start something'.

[photon]

Originally Posted by jayocal

What's red and smells like green paint?

Red paint.

Awesome.

Along those lines:

What's brown and sticky?


A stick.

[flip]

A guy walks into a bar with a briefcase, sits down at the bar and puts the case on the bar.

He's looking a little bit frazzled so the bartender makes conversation. "What's in the case?". The man answers "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

The bartender says "try me". So the guy tells him that there is a 12 inch pianist in his briefcase, to which the bartender instantly calls bull and proceeds to bet the man all the booze he can drink to prove it.

Man opens briefcase and sure enough there is a little 12 inch pianist playing away on a baby grand piano.

"where the hell did you get that?" asks the bartender.

"out in the alley there's a genie in a lamp."

The bartender rushes out, finds it and rubs the lamp, to his surprise a genie pops out.

"I wish for a million bucks" and poof there are ducks everywhere. The bartender rushes inside to tell the man it didn't work.

"What the hell" he says to the man "I used the genie and wished for a million bucks but now there are just ducks everywhere"

To which the man replies "you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist".


Nothing new but it has always been my favorite.

[T@T]

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.

The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"

"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

[prarieboy]

Two kids are in the school yard when one turns to the other and asks

"Do you know what a Penis is?"

"No, but my Dad knows everything, I'll ask him tonight."

Later that night the kids asks "Dad, do you know what a Penis is?"

The Dad says "Yes, I'll show you."

He takes down his pants and says "Son, this is a Penis. In fact, this is a perfect Penis"

The next day the two kids meet up and the first kid asks "did you find out what a Penis is"

The second kids says "I'll show you"

He takes down his pants and says "This is a Penis. If it was three inches shorter it would be a perfect Penis"

[Nufy]

Two guys are out fishing when one of then pulls in a Mermaid...

The mermaid offers them one wish.

Guy one says......"I want this whole ocean to be nothing but beer...."

Poof the mermaid grants the wish and disappears...

Guy one screams in happines and dips his glass in and take a drink of the fresh cold beer...

He looks over at guy 2 and says whats wrong ??

Guys 2 responds.......

You realize now that we have to piss in the boat..............

[sadora]

A bear and a rabbit are taking a in the woods. The bear turns the rabbit and says "Excuse me, but do you have a problem with sticking to your fur?" and the rabbit says no. So the bear wipes his a$$ with the rabbit.

-Eddie Murphy...this joke has to be delivered in a very monotone way for it to work.

[D to the iddy]

Originally Posted by GreenTeaFrapp

Do the jokes have to be PG or is it anything goes?

Anything goes... but I'm hoping for good puns/wordplay as they are my favorite to tell...

And keep them coming guys... these are pretty solid all the way around!

[calgaryrocks]

two muffins are in an oven

first muffin: its really hot in here
second muffin: ahhhh! a talking muffin!

(an old one)

[Locke]

Originally Posted by GreenTeaFrapp

Do the jokes have to be PG or is it anything goes?

This is an important question.

Although, my jokes would never get by the filter anyways.

[WindomURL]

While auditioning for a gig at a lounge, a pianist played one of his own
compositions. "That's beautiful," the lounge owner enthused.
"What do you call it?"

"Rip Off Her Clothes and Screw Her Doggy Style," the pianist
replied. The owner told the musician to play another piece, which
was equally beautiful.

When asked the title, the pianist replied, "Shove Your D1ck in Her
Mouth and Whistle a Happy Melody."

"Look, I love your music," the owner said, "and I want to hire you, but you gotta keep your song titles to yourself."

The pianist agreed and began to work that night. After his first
set, he got up to go to the men's room. On his way back, a
customer stopped him. "Excuse me, do you know your fly's unzipped
and your caulk (you know the word) is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the pianist exclaimed. "I wrote it, man!!!"

[Hemi-Cuda]

(this one is required to be said out loud, a Mexican accent helps)

What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhinosaurus?

Elephino

[Biff]

Two drunks are walking down the street when one turns to the other and says;

"Hey Joe, whatcha got in that brown paper bag?"

Joe replies "I got a couple of bottles of wine for my wife"

"Oh....Good trade!"

[Blaster86]

A retired old man lives by himself in a home in the country and his only son is in jail. All the old man has is his large garden to occupy his time. One day near the end of winter he writes his son to say that he is sad because he is too old and arthritic to dig up his garden anymore. It was all he had and he can't find a way to get out and do it anymore.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his son with one emphatic line. "Dear dad. Don't dig up the garden! That's where I hid all the bodies!"

In that same week the FBI show up and rip through the garden looking for the bodies but come up empty. They apologize to the man for the trouble and leave. A month later the old man gets another letter from his son saying "Dear dad. That's the best I could do."

[SebC]

Originally Posted by T@T

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.

The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"

"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

On a similar note:

Q: Why does it suck to be an egg?
A: Because you only get laid once and it's by your Mom!