Office bathroom etiquette

[Five-hole]

HOW TO POO AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom.This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[Tron_fdc]

I'm a HUGE fan of the crop duster. I take pride in my ability to walk around, spreading my stench then making pinched up faces at the guy beside me (behind his back, of course) blaming him for the smell.

I hate office bathrooms. You never know what or who has just sat on that seat......I wait for home.

[Calgary Flames]

Seriously the funniest post EVER on CP.com

[calgaryred]

One of the worst bathroom experiences of my life happened at work. On a lunch break I went to the bathroom only to see a crowd laughing around a stall. It had overflowed. The toilet was so full of crap it was like a huge cake was just dropped into the bowl. The toilet was at the rim with water. Water was all over the floor. Bits of turd were on the floor as well. I've too this day have never seen so much fecal matter in my life at one time.

[Mcgavins]

Brilliant read - I really enjoyed that. We've identified an "Uncle Ted" in our office and he's turned into a legend.

[@theCBE]

Funnny Stuff!!

i'm considering printing off a bunch of copies and leaving them around the bathrooms ... people should be educated in such matters

[Cube Inmate]

Ah jeez...you're killing me! Aside from the "urinal" reference, it sounds like it was written for women though. All the men I know find it very satisfying to let a loud one rip while in the relative anonimity of a stall.

If you'll excuse me, I've gotta go dust some crops.

[kermitology]

Originally posted by Cube Inmate@Aug 19 2004, 04:03 PM
Ah jeez...you're killing me! Aside from the "urinal" reference, it sounds like it was written for women though. All the men I know find it very satisfying to let a loud one rip while in the relative anonimity of a stall.

If you'll excuse me, I've gotta go dust some crops.

Stay away from the third floor :angry:

[JiriHrdina]

LOL!!!

I actually haven't read the whole thing yet. Still at work and I can't contain the laughter so I had to abort my reading. I'll finish it off when I get home. Great stuff though man. Gold.

[spydermal]

There should be a revised school version. god how i loathed the high school poo. Its almost harder then an office job, cause u cant just crop dust the class room lol. Also u have to be fairly quick cause u cant be gone too long or people will automatically asume.

[Cowperson]

Picture this: Three normal guys standing around mortified as a female assistant loses it and berates us loudly while in tears about "skid marks" in the toilet we all share.

If we've got something forceful or messy going on, we now use the facilities on the other side of the building. For our own protection.

Cowperson

[BlackArcher101]

Originally posted by Cowperson@Aug 19 2004, 08:02 PM
Picture this: Three normal guys standing around mortified as a female assistant loses it and berates us loudly while in tears about "skid marks" in the toilet we all share.

I've never understood that. Why do women complain so much about the skidmarks. It's not like they see them when they are using the can. Men on the other hand... we enjoy aiming at them and try to blast them off.

[Mango]

lol!!!

This was hilarious!

I agree - I vote this as one of the best posts ever :P well done!

[BlackArcher101]

Don't know if this belongs here or in the joke thread...
It's hilarious, some might have seen it already. It's called "The Move". It starts off a bit slow, but trust me, you'll be on the floor laughing at the end.

http://filmguy.home.mindspring.com/pastleg4.htm

[Jiggy_12]

That was awesome, made me laugh pretty hard.

[calgaryred]

Originally posted by BlackArcher101@Aug 19 2004, 05:27 PM
Don't know if this belongs here or in the joke thread...
It's hilarious, some might have seen it already. It's called "The Move". It starts off a bit slow, but trust me, you'll be on the floor laughing at the end.

http://filmguy.home.mindspring.com/pastleg4.htm

that was one of the most amazing stories i've ever read. Man to think the smell of that bathroom. I wonder if he ever went back to that restaurant again.

[Reaper]

Originally posted by BlackArcher101@Aug 19 2004, 06:27 PM
Don't know if this belongs here or in the joke thread...
It's hilarious, some might have seen it already. It's called "The Move". It starts off a bit slow, but trust me, you'll be on the floor laughing at the end.

http://filmguy.home.mindspring.com/pastleg4.htm

Man, I was laughing so hard I could hear my fiance in the other room talking on the phone say "I don't know, he's probably laughing at something gross on the internet..."

Two thumbs up!

[Cube Inmate]

Originally posted by BlackArcher101@Aug 19 2004, 06:27 PM
Don't know if this belongs here or in the joke thread...
It's hilarious, some might have seen it already. It's called "The Move". It starts off a bit slow, but trust me, you'll be on the floor laughing at the end.

http://filmguy.home.mindspring.com/pastleg4.htm

Holy crap...uhh no pun intended

I thought I laughed hard at the original message, but this just about did me in. I had the good fortune to get to practice "the move" about a year ago, but accomplished it quite a bit more successfully than that!

[Thunderball]

Unbelievably funny... and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one...

[monty_]

Spectacular post, very insightful and detailed. So much effort!
"Crop Dusting" is a personal fav :unsure:

This thread is golden.