DV Case: How Should I Handle this

[OilersBaby]

I have a coworker (Anna) who has been living together with her boyfriend (Don) for 10 years. Her family all lives out of state. She doesnt make much money and didn't go to university/college. He is an engineer who works at Lockheed. She is financially dependent upon him (and he reminds her of that every 2 minutes). I've witnessed him verbally abuse her several times but have said nothing because I felt that I shouldn't get involved. She's more than a coworker but I don't know her that well...

She comes into work Monday morning with her bottom lip all puffed up and it's bluish grey. She also has a black eye and deep red marks on her upper chest/lower neck (you can see it from her shirt's neckline). I pull her aside and ask what happened. She says Don beat her up. I immediately tell her it's not her fault and to call the cops but she refuses to. I give her some resources in terms of shelters and places she can turn to for help. She doesn't have any family and her Don wont allow her to have any friends! Her and I talk because we work for the same company (she's a part time massage therapist and I'm a Marketing & Sales Manager).

He owns the car she drives, the house they live in, and pretty much everything else....I finally CONVINCED her to come crash at my house for a couple of nights until she figures something out. That was Monday. It's now Thursday morning and she's still there.

She didn't text me back 2 nights ago and I was super worried. My husband and I drove my their house and we heard him yelling at her pretty bad through their screen door. We were going to knock and he pretend to be a door to door salesman guy (he's never met Don before) just to get an idea of what's going on..but we didnt.

Anyways....what should I do? My husband thinks I should get the police involved. His rationale is "how are you going to feel if something more serious happens and you didn't do anything about it"?

She doesnt want to call the cops because she is scared and she doesnt want him to be punished.....I think because she doesnt have much money or anything else she does not have the empowerment she needs to do something about the situation.

I'm not sure if I should get the police involved since she really really doesn't want me to (she said she will never speak to me if I do and Don is going to be super pissed if I do. She said if the cops find out his security clearances for work and all this other work stuff will be ruined). I say he shouldve thought about that before he beat her up.

What should I do??????????????????????????? I've already had LOTS of talks with her (like everyday since it happened) about resources. Ive told her it's not her fault (she's blaming herself) and that she doesn't deserve the physical/emotional abuse.

[Bring_Back_Shantz]

I know she said she'd never talk to you again but you have to ask yourself if keeping her as a friend is worth her safety.

What she thinks of you should have no bearing on your decision as her safetly is the most important issue in all of this.

If buddy is hitting his girlfriend, he deserves everything he gets.

Unfortunately this seems like a situation where the cops will show up to field a complaint, she'll refuse to press charges, he'll beat the hell out of her again, she'll storm into work and give you hell and probably never speak to you again but at least you'll have a clear conscience having at least tired to do something about it.
Unfortunately, unless this woman wants help, nothing is going to change.

[Iowa_Flames_Fan]

Wow, that sounds like a very difficult situation. I'm far from an expert in these situations, but you might think of this in terms of worst case scenarios on either side. From what you said, if you call the cops, the worst case scenario is that you lose this friendship, and the abusive husband loses his job (which isn't your problem).

If you don't, the worst case scenario is that she will continue to suffer abuse and may even be seriously injured.

In that case, I think you need to call the police. She may be angry at you, but it's still the right thing to do. She's afraid to do it herself because to in her mind her husband has ultimate power over her, and she can't imagine a structure of authority that could protect her from him. But once the wheels get in motion, she may discover that she can live apart from him on her own--though that may at first be difficult. You might not be friends anymore, but you will have helped her move her life in the right direction.

That's my 2 cents. Although I'd try to convince her to report him herself first--and offer any support and protection she feels that she needs in the meantime.

[OilersBaby]

Yeah she also said if the cops show up she wont talk to them. And she wouldnt let me take a picture of her injuries for evidence.

[Bagor]

Go to the cops. Ask to speak to the DV officer. Tell her all you've told us.

Don't give her all the details (names, addresses) and seek her counsel.

[OilersBaby]

Ok I have a new question..this incident happened last Sunday night and it's now Thursday....do you think its too late to call the cops?

One of the reasons Im hesitent to call the cops is because she is still living there. I can't seem convince her to leave...Ive even offered my extra bedroom to her at no charge for a little while if needed.

If I call the cops and they show up, and she tells them everything is okay because she is afraid..who knows what he will do after the cops leave? This is why Im so on the fence.

[Bring_Back_Shantz]

I agree with Bagor.
Call the cops and leave out the details. I'm sure they've dealt with a lot of these situations and can probably help you handle it. They might say there really is nothing they can do untill she cooperates with them, but again, at least you tried.

[BlackArcher101]

I would approach the police and ask what your options are here. If you call them, I believe the only thing they can do is go to the house and if both say they are fine, there is nothing they can do. This might escalate things after they leave. So ask them first what the best way to approach this is.

I agree with Bring_Back_Shantz sentiments though. Her safety is the primary concern here, not to keep her as a friend. In the end when things are better, she will hopefully realize the good things you've done to help and reverse her decision.

When the police get involved she is going to need a support network or else she will probably go back to Don. You say she's very limited in this regard with very few friends and very little furnishings, so this will be the hardest part to deal with. Try to increase that network before anything happens so that the chance of her going back is decreased. Speak to others that are concerned about her and have them ready to support her. Don't have them do it yet though as she might be offended you told them.

[Boblobla]

Originally Posted by Bring_Back_Shantz

Unfortunately this seems like a situation where the cops will show up to field a complaint, she'll refuse to press charges, he'll beat the hell out of her again, she'll storm into work and give you hell and probably never speak to you again but at least you'll have a clear conscience having at least tired to do something about it.

This is true, she needs to want help to get the police involved or all that will happen is she will get beat up more when hubby get released that evening.

Have you tried contacting the police and asking their advice? Don't give any names but ask what avenues there are. Maybe they can hook you up with a pro-bono lawyer who can help her out or something.

EDIT: well then, I guess I am the 5th person in a row to suggest this...

[OilersBaby]

Do you guys think that by calling the cops I'm going to make it worse somehow? Like if she doesnt cooperate but stays there, is he going to give her more trouble because the cops were called???????

[enthused]

You said you guys aren't that close right? Co-workers?

I think the last thing you should be concerned about is your friendship with her. You need to call the cops, and get people involved who actually know how to handle these situations. If she hates you for the rest of her life, so be it. At least you'll know you did the right thing, and you did what you could to help her.

[BlackArcher101]

Originally Posted by OilersBaby

Do you guys think that by calling the cops I'm going to make it worse somehow? Like if she doesnt cooperate but stays there, is he going to give her more trouble because the cops were called???????

I would say there's a greater chance of that happening yes. I edited my above post, but to sum it up, she is going to need a stable network of support to fall back on as soon as the police get involved. This will decrease the chance of her going back to Don because she relies on him too much. You might be able to build that support base up a bit before this happens.

[mikey_the_redneck]

Sometimes the police can make things worse.........so I have a better plan. Go down to the nearest biker bar and approach the biggest, badest looking motha of a man you can find and offer him $500 bucks to rough the bully up a little. You know, an eye for an eye.

[Lithium]

Gonna have to agree with mikey on this one.
Baseball bat.
Bushes in front of house.
Wait.

[MarchHare]

Do not under any circumstances listen to the advice of Mickey and Lithium.

If you engage in vigilante justice (or hire someone to do it on your behalf), you're exposing yourself to criminal prosecution. In Mickey's proposition, what if the big bad biker goes too far and beats the guy to death? Congratulations, you're now an accessory to murder and could even be charged for hiring a hitman.

The best thing you can do (as other's have said) is to call either the domestic violence unit of the police department or social services and explain the situation you're in, leaving out details like the victim's name and address at first until you're comfortable telling them. I'm sure they deal with incidents like this all the time (concerned family/friends speaking up for a victim) and are in the best position to handle this professionally. Absolutely contact the authorities, though. Your husband is right -- if you do nothing and the violence gets worse, you'll feel an immense amount of guilt for not speaking up and preventing it when you had the chance.

[CaptainCrunch]

I'm going to give two answers. The first one thats the stock one, the second thats the cro-magnum one.

Right now she's enabling him, whether its uncertainty about the future with this guy controlling the money, cars etc, and her being unwilling to make a break it allows him to continue the behavior. In terms of calling the cops etc, there's not much that they can do if she's not willing to spill the beans press charges and leave with them. she has to be willing to step off of that ledge. By you giving her that free room offer, which is great, and her returning to him, it really puts her in further jeapordy, because his wrath when she gets home is going to be frightening. She has to be willing to run, and willing to press charges get a restraining order etc.

As a son and a brother, in the Cromagnum sense, do you know if her father is in the same area or if she has a brother, because if you know about this you should do a call on the side, because frankly as a brother, if I found out that my sister, or any family member was getting abused, I'd be having a chat with the scum bag, because its pretty hard to hit somebody when your arms have been run through a band saw.

Just my 2 cents.

[Canada 02]

She said if the cops find out his security clearances for work and all this other work stuff will be ruined

if that is true, then you and your husband have a 'chat' with this loser, sayin "you're screwed if you lay another hand on her"

[CaptainCrunch]

I know that for most organization, a criminal charge can cause the suspension of your security clearance until the matter is resolved.

[OilersBaby]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

I'm going to give two answers. The first one thats the stock one, the second thats the cro-magnum one.

Right now she's enabling him, whether its uncertainty about the future with this guy controlling the money, cars etc, and her being unwilling to make a break it allows him to continue the behavior. In terms of calling the cops etc, there's not much that they can do if she's not willing to spill the beans press charges and leave with them. she has to be willing to step off of that ledge. By you giving her that free room offer, which is great, and her returning to him, it really puts her in further jeapordy, because his wrath when she gets home is going to be frightening. She has to be willing to run, and willing to press charges get a restraining order etc.

As a son and a brother, in the Cromagnum sense, do you know if her father is in the same area or if she has a brother, because if you know about this you should do a call on the side, because frankly as a brother, if I found out that my sister, or any family member was getting abused, I'd be having a chat with the scum bag, because its pretty hard to hit somebody when your arms have been run through a band saw.

Just my 2 cents.

Unfortunately her father has passed away and she has an older sister who lives in St Louis (we're in San Jose). Her mom lives in one of the Dakotas. Im like the only person she talks to outside work. Don wont allow her to have any friends. HORRIBLE. When she talks to me she tells him its because of work ..

[OilersBaby]

ok im going to call the DV unit and talk to them..ill keep you guys posted. thanks for the advice.