Alright, I did this after the heckle, so I may as well do it after the Slo-Pitch tournament. The Unofficial Slo-Pitch Tournament write-up:
Team CP started off strong, we showed up for our first game only half-drunk, which for us is a significant improvement, and this strong form carried us to an absolutely unblemished 0-6 record.
Many other records were set over the course of the tournament, some of which only register as vague and hazy memories. In retrospect, part of our undoing may have stemmed from not busting out the team mascot in time. When we first unleashed Esmerelda performance improved drastically.
It of course eventually leveled off to our tried and true standard.
Game 1 was a warm-up for the rest of the weekend and we came out strong and ready to destroy all those who stood in our way. Legally or otherwise. Mostly otherwise.
To be fair, we were already looking forward to a night's worth of drinking and shenanigans.
4x4 (real names reserved for close affiliations only)
, disappeared at some point on Friday night. Apparently he was face down in the river. Only troutman cared, Aeneas and I took bets on whether or not he was dead. He survived relatively unscathed save for wounded pride at the suggestion that his pants were borderline metrosexual. And the wrong border at that.
Aeneas and I absconded with our ill-gotten gains and refused to pay out for bets.
Our very own Sportsjunky put on a clinic over the whole weekend, sure he was in and out, but his consistent effort and overall good spirits earned him the revered moniker of 'Uncle Chester.' Regarding his performance, he was a monster all weekend, hitting the fence twice. Once we get him on steroids he should be a consistent home run hitter in the mold of Barry Bonds himself. He will undoubtedly be our go-to guy next season. He made several excellent plays over the weekend but will undoubtedly be remembered for the incredulous look he gave the umpire after a completely bogus strike-call. Hilarious.
From the mound and the plate Rinkrat and Jen (sorry I dont remember your username, just PM me and I'll edit) showed our cowering opposition how things are done in the big leagues. Both of them put on a show of pitching and while chocking up strikeout after strikeout didnt hit anyone despite our desperate pleas.
At the same time, while not mowing down our opposition with the heat, they fielded admirably with Rinkrat especially chocking up a couple of individual effort outs from first.
Rhettzky earned his spot as CP's Senior Outfield Afficionado even after we put him out on loan to group of roving newfies. He came back hungrier than ever to show his stuff. He showed it. Tragedy ensued, but he also made some impressive plays especially near the end of the tourney, he peaked at the right time.
Rubecube was an absentee on the first day, but more than made up for it on saturday by putting in a batting performance that would eventually see him rewarded on the Team CP awards podium at the end of the tournament and for him winning Saturday's 'Last Man Standing' competition. He also put on an impressive outfielding display even after taking a few shots for the team including a very impressive nipple stop while manning second and putting an end to our cowardly opponents' dreams. I've never seen a nipple inflict that much psychological damage, but thats how amazing this guy was. We'll miss him next season and can only hope he is training someone to replace him. Good luck in Victoria Rube, living on islands isnt easy.
Flamesinyoureyes really stepped it up for us this weekend showing much improved form and being a beast on flyballs. Getting a real glove certainly didnt hurt this man's game. He was also very good on offense, but couldnt buy a base even though the pub had them on sale. Its unfortunate, but thems the breaks. Sometimes life throws you curveballs and this weekend it seemed that was all that was in store for FIYE.
FKA celebrated his birthday in true CP style. By getting hammered before game 1. Even in spite of his inebriated state he still made a crucial tag on 3rd where some inconsiderate soul slid into him despite being hopelessly outmatched. This resulted in an unfortunate ankle injury for FKA. To put it into perspective though, the other guy died on the spot and FKA spit on his rotting corpse and, ankle injury notwithstanding, danced a jig on his shallow grave over 3rd base. There was much rejoicing. Now that he was injured and jersey-less he wasnt sure of his ability to play in the forthcoming games he dealt with uncertainty as any good soldier does. He got belligerently drunk, and changed his mind every hour on the hour, after that game he never missed a shift. He may have struck out in the last game, but his bat was moving so fast that nobody could be certain about whether he'd actually swung or not. The ump made some biased decisions and it was roundly believed that he was a racist, we just couldnt prove it. troutman will be going to court on monday to voice our objections. He also brought Jake who was our team mascot until Esmerelda was unveiled.
4x4 also had a good outing, playing every game on the verge of poisonous intoxication and only making standard fielding errors that were expected of all of us. He went missing occasionally and even brought out a relationship-challenged polish couple. That was....interesting? Entertaining? It was what it was I guess, but at least the polish guy cut up a tree when we were too lazy and cheap to buy firewood, that was good. Anyways this man never gave up all weekend, whether it was beer, softball, pants or sleep he was adamant in his pursuit of perfection. Or imperfection. Whichever it was, he achieved it. He was also the weekend's Chief Werewolf and experienced a hilarious mishap involving a camp chair, rubecube's girlfriend and a spilled drink of unknown disposition. Much death was promised, only some delivered and I escaped the outing un-shot, a resounding victory in my books. Oh yes, and Gordon, lets not forget Gordon. This man brought Gordon. Lots of him.
Obs was the weekend mooch, he brought nothing and left with nothing, but he made up for it with excellent play and material tangibles shared only by the last people standing on Friday night. He never got struck out, but made up for that by getting me out on numerous occasions. Its okay though because I dont hold grudges. I occasionally burn things out of anger or enjoyment, but I dont hold grudges.
Rinkrat's cousin was the official team CP photographer and Queen Werewolf of the evening. Her efforts will not go unnoticed. She has the patience of a saint, because she actually watched all of our games. You couldnt pay me to do that but she did it willingly (or unknowingly blackmailed, the truth will never be known).
Aeneas did an admirable job of hiding his shame regarding our performance and was clutch in securing our last day loss so that we could go home. He also shared Friday night's 'Last Man Standing' award. He was also instrumental in the feeding of Obs, FKA, FIYE and myself on saturday night. He put out an incredible spread and asked nothing in return. All around it was great having him around. But, his stories were so boring that they'd only be interesting if I grew up on a farm and was ######ed, which I didnt and I'm not so they werent.
Kelly (Sorry, I dont know your username, PM me and I'll edit) was our anchor as rover delivering a consistent performance all weekend, she even brought out her limey husband that nobody likes because Man U sucks. Even looking past her questionable choice of life-partner having her out with the team as an absolute blast. She was also Queen of the 'Sign Game.' Her impatience at the plate was notorious, she could not be bothered to stand there all evening so she swung at some incredible pitches but nonetheless consistently landed on base. Solid work from our rover.
Chid was in and out all weekend, but she put forth a great performance when she was around by picking up the slack at first and allowing Rinkrat to work her pitching magic.
troutman's advice as our designated attorney was widely ignored even when he was coaching at first base. troutman put in a good bid for Esmerelda but was unfortunately ousted by rubecube in the end for CP's prized trophy. All other things aside though, he put on a clinic at 3rd base against the Warriors and will be filing our grievances on Monday as well as prosecuting Shawnski for the alleged shooting of Cyrus.
Jen's husband Cam was a lifesaver on saturday as he brought enough firewood to augment the tree that 4x4's polish friend cut up. It was a crucial play in Saturday's festivities and their daughter Chloe picked up the mascotting slack when Jake was sleeping and Esmerelda was still as yet hidden.
This author feels it to be too vain to comment on his own outstanding weekend performance so someone else will have to comment on that, but I'd be interested in seeing the season's stats, I'm sure Aeneas will provide those at some later time. For the moment though I'm trying to dodge paying my rather large outstanding gambling debts occurring from foolishly participating in softball poker.
For the record books though:
Tournament awards:
Strikeout King: Rubecube. Honourable mention to FKA, 4x4 and troutman.
Team Female MVP: Jen. She was awarded a state of the art music playing device.
Team Male MVP: Locke. Awarded a baseball vest adorned with the logo of a beer I'd have to be paid to drink.
Friday Night's Last Man Standing Award: Aeneas/Locke 5:30am Estimated.
Saturday Night's Last Man Standing Award: rubecube, with honorable mention to FKA and Locke.
I think thats all. I will say in conclusion however that it was a thoroughly enjoyable weekend and I'm looking forward to next season.
