How Do You Deal With Death?

[Prototype]

I'm totally opening up myself here, so I would appreciate any comments moving forward to be constructive, and towards the topic.

Over the last few months, I've had a really hard time coping with the idea of death. Not so much in a suicidal manner, quite the opposite actually. It kinda goes hand in hand with the thread about brains thinking too much when you're trying to sleep, as mine does that, but then it seems to stray to the topic of my own demise, and I have minor panic attacks.

Now, I'm not skitziod or anything. I know that it's something that everyone faces. I've had people close to me pass, and I cope, and move on, but I can't help freaking myself out when it comes to my own eventual end.

Maybe it's the part of me that doesn't understand the logic. We're here, and then we have to not exist anymore. That just doesn't make sense to me. I'm not religious. I need proof if there's something more. As it stands right now, I haven't experienced anything I believe to extend life, be it on earth or wherever.

I am even starting to freak out about the eventual passing of my parents, hopefully not in the near future, but in the future none the less. I've never know anything different then to have them at a phone call away, at the furthest.

I'm not depressed, as far as I know. I'm a happy father of a 6 month old son, I'm happily married, have great friends, and as you can tell, a family who's very close to me.

I've talked to family, friends, etc about this, and how they deal with it. But have never gotten an answer that I've felt comfortable with. I just want to cope, and not live the rest of my life in fear of something I'm not going to be able to control.

I do feel a little bit better for putting it out there... at least.

[peter12]

First of all, go see a therapist. This could be a warning sign of depression or some underlying mental illness. I'm not being over-reactive, this was the first stage for me in what is a long struggle with these kind of questions that accompany a lot of mental fatigue.

The second bit of advice that I would have is to realize that every second you have on this earth is a gift. Not even in a religious sense, but a general spiritual sense that you are here and that every second you spend with the people you love is a miracle in itself.

[Ozy_Flame]

You know the way I see it, since death is an experience EVERYONE goes through, it really doesn't bother me that much. It's a part of life. Balding, or having liver spots, or other things that not everyone has is a little more worrisome to me. But since any and everyone big, small, light, dark, wealthy, poor, beautiful, ugly all end up kicking the can anyways at some point in their lives, I feel a sense of camaraderie with my fellow man.

I'm not religious either, but I know when my folks / siblings / family eventually pass, I can take solace in knowing that their souls are are omnipresent; they'll be watching down on me, and really, it's just an extended vacation until I see them again.

Gandalf I think said it best - "Death isn't the end; it's just another path we must follow" (or something to that extent). And if ol' Greybeard can say it, well, then I feel much better about when I croak.

[Sylvanfan]

Maybe this makes me seem cold, but he more experience you have with it, the more comfortable, or accepting of it I think you'll become. Within about a 5 year stretch I had both of my grand parents, my best friend from highschool, an aunt, and my father pass away in that order. Since my Dad's passing two years ago, I've had another Aunt and an Uncle move on as well. Previous to that I had only dealt with 2 uncles as people who were close to me passing away. As this happens more and more, I have more previous experiences to draw upon, and as of right now I know what life is like without one of my parents who I was close with...and you know what...it's not unliveable at all. In fact compare my situation to countless other people and I got a pretty good deal in that I got to know my Dad for 30 years. So maybe always look at the good parts of the situation as opposed to dreading the bad parts, maybe it will make you feel better? In your case you parents got to see your marriage, their grand child and a lot of other great things...I'd say thats pretty good and you can rest easy knowing that.

As others say, in order to have life, you need to have death to balance it out. So what can you control? The life you live right now, and make the most of it, and be able to step back and appreciate and enjoy it on occasion. The rest you only have marginal control over (and even that has a lot of chance involved still), so really don't worry about things that are out of your control, or you will drive yourself nuts.

[Jason14h]

If you run fast Death might sprain his ankle and spare your life

[Gozer]

Originally Posted by Prottotype

I'm totally opening up myself here, so I would appreciate any comments moving forward to be constructive, and towards the topic.

Over the last few months, I've had a really hard time coping with the idea of death. Not so much in a suicidal manner, quite the opposite actually. It kinda goes hand in hand with the thread about brains thinking too much when you're trying to sleep, as mine does that, but then it seems to stray to the topic of my own demise, and I have minor panic attacks.

Now, I'm not skitziod or anything. I know that it's something that everyone faces. I've had people close to me pass, and I cope, and move on, but I can't help freaking myself out when it comes to my own eventual end.

Maybe it's the part of me that doesn't understand the logic. We're here, and then we have to not exist anymore. That just doesn't make sense to me. I'm not religious. I need proof if there's something more. As it stands right now, I haven't experienced anything I believe to extend life, be it on earth or wherever.

I am even starting to freak out about the eventual passing of my parents, hopefully not in the near future, but in the future none the less. I've never know anything different then to have them at a phone call away, at the furthest.

I'm not depressed, as far as I know. I'm a happy father of a 6 month old son, I'm happily married, have great friends, and as you can tell, a family who's very close to me.

I've talked to family, friends, etc about this, and how they deal with it. But have never gotten an answer that I've felt comfortable with. I just want to cope, and not live the rest of my life in fear of something I'm not going to be able to control.

I do feel a little bit better for putting it out there... at least.

Write your thoughts down, especially the ones that aren't connected / you don't understand where they are coming from.
Then, write down all of the possible logical outcomes of your "what ifs."

Once that's done, you'll get over it without really trying. Once you figure out what you think is possible, you just have to deal with it.
Nothing else to do.
I'm guessing right now you're rejecting your line of thinking - which is why you're getting frustrated.

[kermitology]

Accept infinity. The infinite nature of the universe and everything else. That there is no beginning, no end, just the next step in an infinite number of steps. That made me happy when I freaked out while reading Sophie's World.

[worth]

Life means nothing without death. If someone said to me "I can make it so you can live forever", i'd reject the offer. Things would become meaningless because there are no consequences. Life is meaningful to us because we realize that everyone dies at one point. I would hate to be a bug or monkey or something that doesn't realize that one say they will die. They will get sucked into the routine of life because it's habit and because they don't know any better.

You only get one chance at this life. There are no do overs as the person you are today, and to me that is special.

[REDVAN]

I had this very same problem, actually I DO have this very same problem. It started when I was 12 years old and realized that I don't believe there is a God. I am scientificly minded, and all of science seems to point to nothing when you die. I have been worried about death for half my life, and I am so young!

So, that is why death is my only fear. I, like every other early-mid 20 year old man, act as though I am going to live forever. But death is always something that bugs me.

I have often considered seeing someone to discuss this, like a psychologist. The only problem is that I want to address it from a non-religious point of view, and the first thing anyone will tell you is religion is the answer.

Protto, buddy, I also wish there was an answer, or something I can learn to deal with, so that I can cope with death and not have to fear it. If I could have any wish at all, it would be to live forever and be healthy. Let me know what you come up with, because you aren't the only one who has this curiosity!

[Resolute 14]

Unfortunately, I've enountered more than my fair share of tragic death thus far. i.e., at 29, I've already outlived my dad. There have also been times when I've felt that death would be a relief rather than something to be scared of. As a result, I tend to use black humour a lot when talking about my own mortality.

I don't really have any good advice for you. We all treat the topic in our own ways. Death comes to us eventually, so I simply don't worry about when it's going to happen.

[Ozy_Flame]

You know, I actually use that 'infinity' theory for my career progression as well. There are jobs / contracts I take that are good and bad, and all the ebbs and flows that come with working.

If I'm feeling like I hate my job or getting stressed, all I have to think about is that I'll be doing something more relevant and fun again, and that these moments are only temporary. And even then, if the frustration lasts a long time, you'll know you have toughed it out and earned the fruits of your labor when the time comes.

[Reaper]

Prottotype, I applaud your honesty and openness on the topic of death and dying. I, too, used to perseverate about the end of the lives of myself and my loved ones so I think I know where you're coming from.

I think the basis of your fear leads back to the way that most humans tend not to like change. Fearing the notion that yourself or your loved ones may not exist at some point is perfectly natural. I know I enjoy being alive and I'd imagine that most other people do as well. Death is pretty much the ultimate in finality and a lot of people have a hard time accepting it. One can't go through life fearing the possibilities that it may bring (different than fearing impending consequences for past actions) as it really impedes one's ability to enjoy life as they live it. As my father used to say, if you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future chances are pretty good that you'll piss all over today.

Que sera sera, my good man. Words that speak well about the importance of living in the moment.

[Dion]

I would suggest you pick up the book "Tuesday With Morrie" by Mitch Albom. It helped me deal with my fathers death in 2000 and the subject of death in general.

http://www.randomhouse.com/features/morrie/

The book contains some interesting insights on dying from a man, Morrie Schwartz, who is dying from ALS. Reporter and friend Mitch Albom meets with Morrie every Tuesday and documents his views of life and death until Morrie's eventual passing.

10. "Death ends a life, not a relationship." (174) - Morrie

Morrie states that as long as we can love each other and remember this feeling of love, we can die without ever going away because all of the love we have created will still remain. He states that after we die, we live on in the hearts of everyone we have touched and nurtured while we were on earth.

1.) "Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live." (82) - Morrie

Morrie says this during the fourth Tuesday when he and Mitch discuss death. Morrie feels that people refuse to believe that they will one day die, and therefore, do not live there lives as fully as they would have liked and also have many regrets as they become older and their death becomes closer. He feels that once we learn and accept that we are one day going to die, we learn to live our lives fully and without any regrets.

http://www.pinkmonkey.com/booknotes/...thMorrie16.asp

[The Yen Man]

Hmm, on rare occasions I've also felt like this. Its usually just when I'm kind of laying in bed at night and thinking up random stuff. Then for whatever reason, I'd be like "man, I wonder how it feels like when I eventually die? Does it just feel like I'm asleep?". I get kind of creeped out thinking about it. I also get pretty bummed out thinking about having to deal with the eventual passing of a loved one.

So far, I've been really lucky as I've actually only experienced the death of a grandfather when I was a kid. Everyone else in my circle of family and friends have not died yet. I know it's going to come eventually, but sometimes it still saddens me to think about it.

But ultimately like Ozy just mentioned, I realize that everyone goes through it, be it rich, poor, beautiful, ugly, etc. I've learned to accept it.

Like I said, its actually pretty rare that I think about it. Its only sometimes when I can't seem to fall asleep right away and I start thinking up a bunch of random stuff that it kind of hits me.

I don't think I can offer you any advice, as everyone's different. As I said, I've basically learned to accept it and thus try to live my life to the fullest and enjoy every moment of it.

[Ozy_Flame]

Here's another way to think about it: Life if a circle. The start and end point is simply "non-existence."

It doesn't matter how big a circle someone makes; they could be a civilization-crushing emperor with an iron fist or simply a feeble hermit - ultimately, a human life is a human life, and we end up in the same place.

It is in man's nature to compare himself to others, and comparisons are where are judgments lie, and are the base point for your development as a human being. You take after your parents, you idolize a mentor, you work harder than your co-workers - it's all comparative, and it's what man thrives on.

Eventually, those comparisons are null, and death brings that about. You and your comparisons (that being other people and your ideas) are six feet under, and non-existent, just as you were before you were ever conceived.

Life is a wheel. And size doesn't matter. It all ends up at the same place.

[FireFly]

A few thoughts...

First, get your life in order. You may be young, but it's never too early to have everything in order for when you pass. Make sure you have life insurance, your family knows your wishes, etc. This will make you more comfortable in knowing that when you die, you won't be leaving anyone financial hardships. Emotional ones are different though.

I was going to post more, but I realized that most of it is covered... Plus, since I'm religious and you aren't, most of my thoughts don't apply to your situation.

[RougeUnderoos]

Originally Posted by REDVAN

.
I have often considered seeing someone to discuss this, like a psychologist. The only problem is that I want to address it from a non-religious point of view, and the first thing anyone will tell you is religion is the answer.

You can get a shrink that won't say "religion is the answer". Hell, you can probably just phone 'em up and say "I don't want any God talk" before you make an appointment.

[Ford Prefect]

I've nearly/should have been killed a couple times in my life, which has given me a rather fatalistic view of life and death. When it's your turn to go, you're going to go, and if it's not your turn then you can live through all kinds of destruction and mayhem.

As for what comes after death, I don't think that really matters. If there's an after life then great ... let's party. But if there is no after life, I won't know and therefore won't have the capacity to care even.

All in all, death doesn't scare me. It's living that scares me. All kinds of bad voodoo can happen while you're living, but when you're dead you're removed from all earthly perils and therefore most likely in a much safer place.

[ah123]

Coming to terms with your own mortality is difficult, but I think it comes with time...I think it is a journey towards "an insight" (into yourself, your life, ...)

I went through it in my late 20s/early 30s and spent a lot of time reading NDE (near death experience) stuff...I think, that, in a way gave me some peace. My outlook on life is fairly religious/spiritual, so I think that also helped me...

[troutman]

No one knows what happens when we die. So, try and enjoy every moment of your life.

Each of us are part of an unbroken chain of ancestors, going back millions of years. Every one of our ancestors survived long enough to have children. We honor their struggle to survive by passing on the torch of life. It is a great gift to be alive.