My wife & I are separating

[-TC-]

Originally Posted by T@T

You must be a divorce lawyer

No, he's right.

The best thing I did was hire a good lawyer right up front. It smoothed out so many things and isolated me from making emotional decisions that could have hurt me from a custody standpoint.

A good family law lawyer can make the process so much simpler.

Dude, I recommend you find a family law lawyer who believes in working collaboratively as soon as you can.

PM me if you want, I live in Edmonton but I can ping mine and ask her for a referral if you like.

---------------------------------


The other thing is your boys. They are going to be screwed up, whether they admit it or not, by this. Talk to them, be there for them, ensure that whatever you do you factor them into it.

[pope04]

Originally Posted by mykalberta

I have nothing to add other than what has been added visa vi the divorce side of things.

Yeah, wives can be hard on the ol' Visa card.

[username]

Well I went through this exact same thing about 2 and a half years ago. I don't know how old you are now, but at the time I was 29. I can tell you that it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I know it sounds ridiculous (my ex wife cheated) but I grew into such a better person.

I began to exercise regularily, I am now easily in the best shape of my life (7% body fat), I lfeel like I ook better than I ever have and I have more energy than ever. On top of all that, I started to meet new people and I reconnected with friends that I began to drift away from. I learned to cook, I eat VERY healthy and I even learned to work the dishwasher. Seriously though, my life right now couldn't be better.

Probably the best thing about being relatively young with money and single was the lifestyle I was able to lead over the last 2ish years. I've been to Vegas 6 times, Seattle 3, LA twice, San Diego, Vancouver, San Francisco, Montreal (F1), Cancun twice, and out to my cabin countless times. Oh and Stampede week has a whole new meaning when you're single

This has easily been the best 2 and a half years of my life.

I think you can look at a divorce 2 ways. You can feel sorry for yourself and sulk the rest of your life or you can make the best of a bad situation. Do everything you've ever wanted to do but couldn't because of your wife and you're going to feel so much better about yourself.

Good luck with everything, I know it sucks now but I promise if you want to make your life better then you will!

[sclitheroe]

Originally Posted by username

Well I went through this exact same thing about 2 and a half years ago. I don't know how old you are now, but at the time I was 29. I can tell you that it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I know it sounds ridiculous (my ex wife cheated) but I grew into such a better person.

I began to exercise regularily, I am now easily in the best shape of my life (7% body fat), I lfeel like I ook better than I ever have and I have more energy than ever. On top of all that, I started to meet new people and I reconnected with friends that I began to drift away from. I learned to cook, I eat VERY healthy and I even learned to work the dishwasher. Seriously though, my life right now couldn't be better.

Probably the best thing about being relatively young with money and single was the lifestyle I was able to lead over the last 2ish years. I've been to Vegas 6 times, Seattle 3, LA twice, San Diego, Vancouver, San Francisco, Montreal (F1), Cancun twice, and out to my cabin countless times. Oh and Stampede week has a whole new meaning when you're single

This has easily been the best 2 and a half years of my life.

I think you can look at a divorce 2 ways. You can feel sorry for yourself and sulk the rest of your life or you can make the best of a bad situation. Do everything you've ever wanted to do but couldn't because of your wife and you're going to feel so much better about yourself.

Good luck with everything, I know it sucks now but I promise if you want to make your life better then you will!

So you started exercising, cooking, cleaning, had an active social life, and rediscovered a love of travel. Did you do any of these things with the ex prior?

[Rerun]

Originally Posted by CrazyCaper

I was considering joining the Calgary Sport & Social Club. Good way to get out of the house and meet new people at the same time.

You actually think you'll have a house to get out of?

I assume she will be asking for the house, she'll want the two kids to remain with her, and of course her parents will stay exactly where they are... in your walk-out basement.

The only person who will be out on their ass will likely be you.


As others have said..... get a lawyer.... the best one you can afford and don't move out of the house.... possession is 9/10th's of the law.

[GreenLantern]

Step 1: Go to the local bar with Captain Crunch and fotze to pick up chicks
Step 2: Be scarred for life
Step 3: ???
Step 4: Profit


Seriously though.. if you havent worked out in a while I suggest getting a gym membership first off. Working out will help distract you and give your mind time to relax and diffuse. Also it will help mold your body into a lean mean girl picking up machine. And always remember you cant change what happened, all you can change is how you react to it.

[WilsonFourTwo]

Sorry about the news. I've had a couple friends and one brother go through a divorce, always sucks when it happens. Based on what I saw and what we've spoken about over the years:

Getting through the divorce:

1. Don't be "The Good Guy" just to get things settled quickly. Be fair, but don't be the welcome mat. Treat the dollars and cents issues as business, not personal.
2. Avoid Lawyers wherever reasonably possible, will save you a fortune. If the relationship is still solid (just the love's gone), mediation is probably a great route.
3. Remember that this isn't a shot at your manhood....people fall in and out of love all the time. Don't get fixated on the fact that it didn't last "forever".
4. Speaking to a counselor doesn't make you a wuss. If you need/want to talk (even just to bounce ideas around), have at it. A couple visits made a HUGE difference with my brother, really helped clear his head.

Getting past the divorce:

1. Obviously, you're still "Daddy" to a couple of kids. Continue to enjoy that role.
2. Joining a social club/league is huge. You're probably gonna have to expand your circle of friends a bit....."Shared" friends tend to fade away.
3. Think of the things you've always wanted to (selfishly) do. This includes the PS3, the Trip to Mexico or even the little blonde chick at the office. Pick one and go do it. No matter how good the situation is during the divorce, having a selfish stress release at the end gives you something to look forward to.

Specifically about the Parents/Refinancing:

1. If you have to sell the house (to clear up debts, etc), her parents living situation isn't your problem. This ONLY involves yourself, your 2 children and your partner.

Best of luck buddy! CP is here for ya (clearly)!

[username]

Originally Posted by sclitheroe

So you started exercising, cooking, cleaning, had an active social life, and rediscovered a love of travel. Did you do any of these things with the ex prior?

Pretty much played hockey, watched hockey, played xbox and ate frozen pizzas all the time.......it's amazing how bad it was.......We travelled but it was never fun with her. Terrible relationship.

I was just "comfortable" and didn't know any better. It's amazing to me how many people just settle and don't realize what's out there and how much better off they would be without their current partner.

[CrazyCaper]

I just wanted to say thanks for all of the advice from the CP community. It's a tough haul these days but I know I'll get through it. As for counselling, I'm actually going to talk with someone this afternoon after a referral from my boss. It helps to know that the company I work for actually cares for my well-being not just that I show up for work everyday.

Thanks again CP.

CrazyCaper

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by GreenLantern

Step 1: Go to the local bar with Captain Crunch and fotze to pick up chicks
Step 2: Be scarred for life
Step 3: ???
Step 4: Profit


Seriously though.. if you havent worked out in a while I suggest getting a gym membership first off. Working out will help distract you and give your mind time to relax and diffuse. Also it will help mold your body into a lean mean girl picking up machine. And always remember you cant change what happened, all you can change is how you react to it.

You forgot that for the first 6 months you should lower your standards and plow every fat, hairy, hideous chick that you can.

When you're in the act put the face of your ex onto the beast that you're doing.

Then when you get your first somewhat nice looking chick you can say to your friends. "No man, I definately moved up in life over the sea monster that I was married"

[Rerun]

By the way CC.... why on earth did you agree to have your in-laws live with you in your walk-out basement?.... unless of course they are real old and couldn't look after themselves.

I bet that must be a pleasant experience now that she wants you to get the hell out of her life.... I assume of course that they are on her side...

Just an observation, but If her parents are renting your basement from you they probably don't have two nickels to rub together so they won't be much help to her financially so I wouldn't be surprised if your soon to be ex-wife will go after every thing she can from you... call me cynical but there is and old english proverb... "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst".

[DuffMan]

At least she doesn't have far to go if she is going to move back in with her parents.

[malcolmk14]

Whatever you do, in addition to getting the best lawyer possible, always act amicably towards your (soon to be) ex-wife. If you have any anger or frustration, find another way to vent it. Anything you say or the way you act towards her can impact a custody hearing and you want to appear as stable as possible.

Through all of this, you don't want to lose your kids. If you do move out of the house, make sure the environment you set up at your new home is stable and responsible. And no matter how angry you are at the wife, keep it to yourself. Also document anything crazy/irresponsible she does. I'm not saying you should prepare to go to war with her, because hopefully it doesn't come to that... But a lot of the time despite your best intentions, bitches can be crazy bro.

[troutman]

Marriages are difficult and about 50% of them fail for a variety of reasons. It is not the end of the world, and in time, you will find happiness again.

The most important consideration right now is the children. You can seperate in a way that minimally damages the children. Research shows that children from divorced families will thrive as well as children from married families, where the children have maximum contact with each parent, and where there is an amicable and cooperative parenting plan.

I recommend this book:

Does Wednesday Mean Mom's House or Dad's - Parenting Together While Living Apart
http://www.amazon.ca/Wednesday-House...1&sr=1-2-fkmr2

If at all possible, you should try to resolve parenting, support and property issues by agreement (instead of litigation). Try mediation and collaborative family law first.

http://www.collaborativelaw.ca/links.php

Try marriage counselling, if it is not too late. You both should feel like you gave it your best shot.

Do something nice for yourself - ex. Las Vegas.

[Sliver]

Tough deal...good luck dude.

[VladtheImpaler]

As a lawyer (not a family lawyer though) and someone who has been divorced twice, just a bit of advice - don't fight over the small stuff because the legal fees (for both of you) will be far higher than the value of "whatever" - try to keep emotions out of it (hard to do, I know). PM Troutman - this is his area of practice.

[troutman]

Originally Posted by VladtheImpaler

PM Troutman - this is his area of practice.

Thanks, but I don't do that kind of law.

[Tron_fdc]

A few years back I got out of a 7 yr relationship, and it was the best thing that I ever did. My advice:

The first thing you need to do is lower your standards, and sleep with the first girl that presents herself. It will help get you back in the groove.

I would then suggest an overhaul of yourself. Join a sports team or two, and join a gym. See a nutritionist, and get healthy. While doing this, start dressing in nicer clothes and taking care of your appearance. I don't mean shopping trips to the gap either. I'm talking Holt or something along those lines. You may be doing all this already, but if you're not get on it. This does 2 things; it will help you get loads of dates, and it will drive your ex NUTS. Women are strange creatures, and she'll likely end up in therapy....mine did, and paybacks a motha. It sounds shallow, but it was pretty gratifying (it still is, come to think about it!)

It took me about 6 months to a year to get back to my old womanizing self, but when I did I was keeping a healthy stable of 25 yr olds (I'm 35) on the go. There are a lot of young girls that really dig older, mature dudes that take care of themselves so you need to take advantage of that.

Oh yeah, if you can do it, sleep with her friends. I'm still working on that.

[DuffMan]

Originally Posted by Tron_fdc

Oh yeah, if you can do it, sleep with her friends. I'm still working on that.

and sisters.

[Tron_fdc]

Oh yeah, watch out for Facebook. It got me laid a few times, but it started turning into stalkbook. I had to pull all kinds of personal stuff off my profile to tray and remain relatively "anonymous"