‘I regret having children’

[taco.vidal]

http://www.macleans.ca/regretful-mothers/

At first glance, Amy* is like many busy young moms—she’s 34, lives in Alberta, works full-time and is devoted to her five-year-old. “I love my son with all my heart,” she says. “My life revolves around this child.” Four nights a week from May to June are spent at a sports field, she says. “All his schoolmates do it, so if he doesn’t, he’s left out.”

When discussing motherhood, however, Amy deviates from the maternal script: if she could make that choice over again, she says, she wouldn’t. She never wanted children (“I was very independent,” she says)—her husband did. “It would have been a deal-breaker.” Parenthood put an untenable strain on the marriage; her husband wasn’t as involved as she wanted; they separated. Life is difficult, Amy reports: “Our child has two homes and I’m still doing 90 per cent of it on my own.”

Regret requires choice. So there’s little surprise that expression of parental regret mirrors the arrival of the pill, and with it the decision to delay or even forgo reproduction. The first indication came in 1975, when advice columnist Ann Landers asked readers: “If you had it to do over again, would you have children?” Of more than 10,000 responses, 70 per cent said “no.” The few attempts to quantify parental regret since have shown mixed results. A 2002-03 study by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services found that three per cent of parents disagreed with the statement: “The rewards of being a parent are worth it despite the cost and the work it takes.” A 2016 German study found eight per cent of 1,200 parents polled said they would choose not to have children again.

I think this article can generate some good discussion. Its worthwhile to read the article before commenting that kids are the best thing that ever happened to you and how could someone else think otherwise.



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[Locke]

nm.

[Hot_Flatus]

I think the title should be: "I regret having children with person X" as opposed to having children in general. Kids are amazing to add to your life, when you and your spouse are truly committed to doing so. With the wrong spouse, or someone who only pretends to give a crap, I could see it being a massive burden at times.

[Huntingwhale]

I have a friend who has 3 kids. She says the exact same thing to me all the time. Loves her children and lives for them. But if she could do it all over again, she would not have kids in order to have her own life back.

Not everyone is meant to have children.

[Looch City]

Side note: I don't have any kids (yet).

But that “All his schoolmates do it, so if he doesn’t, he’s left out.” comment irked me. You don't always have to say yes to your child. It's okay to say no and be stern!

[Muta]

I've heard many women say they don't regret having their children at all, but if they could go back and do it all over again, they wouldn't.

I think it's a completely sane and valid viewpoint. I think there's some truth to the notion that hype / excitement of having a kid, versus the actual reality of having a kid, might be on two very different levels.

[The Familia]

Originally Posted by Huntingwhale

I have a friend who has 3 kids. She says the exact same thing to me all the time. Loves her children and lives for them. But if she could do it all over again, she would not have kids in order to have her own life back.

Not everyone is meant to have children.

Just curious, why did they go on to have three children then? I'm pretty sure you know full what you have gotten into after the first. It doesn't get easier with more children, it gets harder.

[Cecil Terwilliger]

Originally Posted by Hot_Flatus

I think the title should be: "I regret having children with person X" as opposed to having children in general. Kids are amazing to add to your life, when you and your spouse are truly committed to doing so. With the wrong spouse, or someone who only pretends to give a crap, I could see it being a massive burden at times.

Well that's pretty far from what the article is about.

Anyways, I thought this passage was interesting.

Parental regret also highlights gendered asymmetry around parenting; while fathers are increasingly active in child-raising, most child care and housework is still performed by women, as 2017 StatsCan census data indicates. Donath has also interviewed men who regret fatherhood, and has found one difference is that most men who became fathers even though they didn’t want to did so because their partner wanted to be a mother, and they didn’t want to live without her. “They made their decisions without being threatened by divorce, as opposed to several women in my study.” Stephen Marche, author of The Unmade Bed: The Messy Truth About Men and Women in the 21st Century, often writes about fatherhood. He says he has never met a father willing to admit to regret: “I can think of only a few who might even have felt it,” he says. Fathers’ regret tends to be expressed with their feet, says York University’s O’Reilly. “They walk away.” While men are judged for doing so, they don’t face the same censure as women, she says: “Men’s identity is never collapsed into their parental one; if you’re a bad mother, you’re a bad woman. If a father is late at daycare, it’s ‘Poor thing, he’s busy.’ A mother who’s late is viewed as selfish and irresponsible.” That’s changing, O’Reilly believes, though she questions the extent: “Some men may feel their children are central to their identity but I’ve never seen it.”


Exacerbating gendered parenting imbalances is the fact that, as mothers entered the workforce in record numbers in the 1970s, parenting philosophies increasingly embraced hovering attachment. “Helicopter parent” was coined in the 1960s; “attachment parenting” was introduced in 1992 by evangelical physician William Sears based on three tenets—breastfeeding (sometimes into toddlerhood), co-sleeping and carrying babies close in slings. Once regarded as fringe, it’s now the dominant parenting mode among white, middle-class, educated women, says O’Reilly. “It’s like a cult.”


Time spent by parents with their kids has doubled in four decades, The Economist revealed in November; in an analysis of 11 wealthy countries, mothers spent an average of 104 minutes a day caring for children in 2012, up from 54 in 1965. Men do less, but far more than they did in the past: 59 minutes a day, up from 16.

[Ozy_Flame]

I think some parents - before having kids - romanticize about the idea of being a parent too much. They think how cute it will be, how great the family unit is, and how raising a child must be the most rewarding experience. The neglect the screaming, dirty diapers, lack of sleep, health problems, bratty behavior, career compromises and general long-term stress associated with being one.

But still, how great would it be to share your kids and their shenanigans on Instagram! Gotta go viral!

[GreenLantern2814]

Originally Posted by Huntingwhale

I have a friend who has 3 kids. She says the exact same thing to me all the time. Loves her children and lives for them. But if she could do it all over again, she would not have kids in order to have her own life back.

Not everyone is meant to have children.

And if they didn't have their three kids, they'd be complaining about how they always regretted not having children.

[btimbit]

I can relate a bit. I love my little guy more than anything but we had him way too young. If I did it again id still have kids but about 8 years later.

Like iggy city said though it's ok to not have your kid in every activity out there. He doesn't need to go to sports just because kids from school do. He can play around the house too

Interesting article though. I suggest reading the whole thing not just what's in the OP.

[CaptainCrunch]

I could go around to every CalgaryPuck member and ask them if they regret having kids, or took the career path they did, or married the mate they did or any of a million of the serious life altering decisions and the over whelming answer would be "Yes I regret doing it"

This isn't a big revelation, now if she crammed the kid into a burlap sack and tossed it into a river that's different.

I'm sure that if I went to my parents and asked them the following questions


1) Do you regret having 5 kids (one who died) the answer would be yes, looking back on what could have been if they had 1 or 2 or 3.

2) Do they regret getting married my dad would look at my mom and mumble and answer, my mom would say hell yes,, there were people that they both dated before getting married that might have made an easier life for them. But yet here they are 60 years later, and they may have regrets but they make it worse

3) Do you regret dropping out of school. That would be a regret, even though they both worked, and made enough money to get their kids a better life and educations. But what could they have been if they went to college.

Its human to regret decisions that you've made or actions that you've taken, that's what gives us the motivation to make our lives work after we've made those choices that we can't take back.


Show me someone who has few or no regrets . . . and I'll show you someone that's taken very few risks in their life . . . and that should be a regret.

[Jiggy_12]

There is so much built in societal pressure to "get married and have kids" that so many people just accept that as their reality and live their life with those goals in mind. Rather than waiting until they meet someone incredible, who shares the mutual desire to reproduce and have those feelings naturally manifest - too many people force it with that end goal in mind. Then, because the situation wasn't right, the eventual regrets come flooding in.

Our species no longer has a duty to reproduce and multiply, and choosing to not have kids is perfectly OK.

[Calgary14]

From what I've seen kids are way too over stimulated and over scheduled, to the point where they don't have time to just be a kid. Constantly being shuttled from one scheduled activity to another. I know parents who have their entire weekend taken up with kids activities - soccer, hockey, dance, gymnastics, etc. No wonder some people regret having kids.

Also the article mentions how the husband wanted to have kids but the wife didn't. So if she goes through with having kids, is it really a surprise when she's unhappy a few years later? Both parents need to be committed 100% otherwise it wont end well

[CorsiHockeyLeague]

Wouldn't this realization make a person feel incredibly guilty?

[Hockeyguy15]

Originally Posted by CorsiHockeyLeague

Wouldn't this realization make a person feel incredibly guilty?

Ask your parents?

Spoiler!

[MoneyGuy]

Originally Posted by taco.vidal

http://www.macleans.ca/regretful-mothers/ Its worthwhile to read the article before commenting that kids are the best thing that ever happened to you and how could someone else think otherwise.

I'll say it: My two grown children are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I agree that not everyone should be or wants to be a parent, and that's fine. I can't imagine my life without mine. They're now great friends with us and with each other.

[Erick Estrada]

Meh. Humans always pine for the grass on the other side of the fence. When they have kids and pine for the days they had freedom they don't remember the boring times or loneliness. When they have their freedom they are always looking to make their life more complete and have a family while glossing over the ensuing sacrifices. This debate is kind of boring to me because there's no right or wrong answer so not really a debate about which is right as it's a personal thing. One thing I am curious is that the reason we are all here today messaging on this forum is because our parents had us. There's no way I can ever look at my two boys and say if I could do it all over again they wouldn't exist. That's crazy talk.

[Muta]

Originally Posted by Jiggy_12

Our species no longer has a duty to reproduce and multiply, and choosing to not have kids is perfectly OK.

I wish more people thought like this. I'm in my 30's, single, super happy, and damn okay with never having kids if that's what happens. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't get the gears from lots of other people...

...now that I think about it, usually from parents.

[mrkajz44]

Wouldn't almost everyone say that if they could go back, they'd do something different? Not just for kids? You've already lived that life (or part of that life), so if you could go back wouldn't the default answer be "I'd like to try something else, not redo the exact same thing over again".

I sort of see this like travel. Say I travel to location A and have a great time. Just because location A was great doesn't mean that I'll want to go back there again and again - I want to try something different.