How do you do it?

[CMPunk]

I guess what I mean is, what motivates you to keep getting up day after day and living your life?

It's my 46th birthday this week and for the last 6 months to a year, my thoughts have gone to how much longer I want to live. The thought of living another 20-40 years just seems like a nightmare to me. My body is already breaking down, I already feel my memory going due to concussions and a family history of Alzheimer's. I can't imagine life in a nursing home, if I could even afford it.

I don't have any kids, I don't have many friends thanks to COVID and marriage. I usually work 6 days a week at two jobs to try and keep the bills paid, as I am not one of the CP elite. The only real social activity I have is hockey once or twice a week. I have family and a girlfriend that loves me, but it still doesn't feel like enough motivation to keep going.

If the Doctor told me I wasn't going to live past 50, I think that would be the biggest weight off my shoulders ever. The thought of not having to do this all anymore would be a huge relief to me. I think I'd be much happier at that point. I could make arrangements to have my loved ones taken care of, sell the house and enjoy myself one final time before that final day comes.

And yes, I will be talking to my doctor about this, however the cost of mental health isn't cheap. I think my benefits maybe cover two or three visits. I have reached out to EAP before as well, but they will only cover a handful of visits.

So how's your day been?

[White Out 403]

I find life very difficult lately. My kids are pretty much what keeps me going.

Edit: Jesus just read your post after answering the title. I feel like a goon now.

[jwslam]

Have you tried the free resources?
https://www.distresscentre.com/need-...BoCeIcQAvD_BwE
https://ab.211.ca/how-we-help/helplines/

Have you had this discussion with your partner? How are they helping you with this... and if they're not, they're probably the wrong partner for you.
What kind of hobbies do you have outside of working 2 jobs? Is there something there you could monetize to help your financial stresses?
What are you working conditions like? What can you improve there, maybe by talking to your bosses or move onto a better place
Do you get the joy you want from hockey? Is there someone(s) who can confide in there?

Personally I'm just chugging along day by day... my body feels like it's giving up on me too but it is what it is... I'm pretty lazy about improving my personal health so it's really self inflicted.

[Cube Inmate]

Short answer is I have no idea. Middle age is hitting hard right now (I'm a little younger, but only recently started accepting the "middle age" descriptor). Looking back, I see a lot of wasted potential. Looking forward, I see a lot of opportunities that I'll probably just decide not to take...because I'm afraid to fail.

I haven't made a major change in my professional life for over 15 years. And I feel like I'm past the point of having to work very hard to raise my kids. Yeah, they need guidance through the teenage years, but the risk of totally effing them up has largely passed.

There are no more natural milestones to look forward to. So maybe I'll take a page out of Dilbert and start messing with the settings in my "life" computer until something breaks, and then I'll have something to fix.

[socalwingfan]

I was in a similar place about 1.5 years ago, when the restrictions started easing. I’m an extreme introvert, and it’s ####ty to say, but the pandemic was 2 of the best years of my life. Once things started to get back to “normal” I had a pretty significant breakdown
I have gone to therapy over the years for depression but it never really took. This time my wife found me a therapist and it has made huge difference in my happiness. I also talk to my wife a lot about my emotions, not so much pre-therapy, and she helps me immensely. She can recognize when I’m spiraling down and is usually able to talk me out of it.
I haven’t surfed in 2 months and I don’t know when I will be able to again due to arthritis in my ankles getting worse. That used to be a ‘zen’ place for me to help ground me, but I’ve been kinda lost without it.
I hope you find what you are looking for - I feel your pain and hope you can get the support you need.
Sorry, didn’t offer much help - not very good at articulating my thoughts ��#��

[CMPunk]

Originally Posted by jwslam

Have you tried the free resources?
https://www.distresscentre.com/need-...BoCeIcQAvD_BwE
https://ab.211.ca/how-we-help/helplines/

Have you had this discussion with your partner? How are they helping you with this... and if they're not, they're probably the wrong partner for you.
What kind of hobbies do you have outside of working 2 jobs? Is there something there you could monetize to help your financial stresses?
What are you working conditions like? What can you improve there, maybe by talking to your bosses or move onto a better place
Do you get the joy you want from hockey? Is there someone(s) who can confide in there?

Personally I'm just chugging along day by day... my body feels like it's giving up on me too but it is what it is... I'm pretty lazy about improving my personal health so it's really self inflicted.

My partner know, not the depth of how I feel, but she knows that "I want to die" based on jokes and comments I make and she is pushing for me to talk to someone.

I don't have much in the way of hobbies....hockey has always been it. I did have a job running a hockey league that I did quite enjoy until I was let go for...reasons?

I do work in a rink and retail. The jobs themselves are fine, however since both jobs are customer service, I see alot of the worst in people and the general public generally treats me like I'm a drooling idiot.

Maybe the men you hang around are the exception, but I find men are not receptive to talking about feelings, especially in a sports atmosphere. I do try to make myself available if someone is having a personal issue and try to check on them if I can, however it's not normally reciprocated.

[Macman]

I would honestly highly recommend a yogi guru. Just listen to what they have to say and you’ll be surprised at how effective their wisdom and teachings are.

You have to practice to keep everything at bay and just breathe, wake up in the morning and smile cause you’re still alive.
Basically focus and fix yourself first. I just discovered a yogi a while back and it’s helped me a lot.

You also have to recognize stressful situations like a workplace and move on. I recently left a job that I actually didn’t mind but it was a very stressful place for me so I left and just a few days later was back to feeling like myself again. You have to adapt and change because you can find another job.

[b1crunch]

Originally Posted by CMPunk

I guess what I mean is, what motivates you to keep getting up day after day and living your life?

It's my 46th birthday this week and for the last 6 months to a year, my thoughts have gone to how much longer I want to live. The thought of living another 20-40 years just seems like a nightmare to me. My body is already breaking down, I already feel my memory going due to concussions and a family history of Alzheimer's. I can't imagine life in a nursing home, if I could even afford it.

I don't have any kids, I don't have many friends thanks to COVID and marriage. I usually work 6 days a week at two jobs to try and keep the bills paid, as I am not one of the CP elite. The only real social activity I have is hockey once or twice a week. I have family and a girlfriend that loves me, but it still doesn't feel like enough motivation to keep going.

If the Doctor told me I wasn't going to live past 50, I think that would be the biggest weight off my shoulders ever. The thought of not having to do this all anymore would be a huge relief to me. I think I'd be much happier at that point. I could make arrangements to have my loved ones taken care of, sell the house and enjoy myself one final time before that final day comes.

And yes, I will be talking to my doctor about this, however the cost of mental health isn't cheap. I think my benefits maybe cover two or three visits. I have reached out to EAP before as well, but they will only cover a handful of visits.

So how's your day been?

Your post hit hard. I took an unpaid leave of absence from my job (high school teacher) last year and still have another year off. I basically walked away from my job due to mental health. I was terrified of going on 'stress leave' or 'mental health leave' due to how I thought it would be percieved by my coworkers. (I know I shouldn't care). So instead, I told them all I wanted to spend more time with my kids, which was also true but not the main reason.

I've been off for a year, and while I thought I'd feel better by now, I don't. I'm better in some ways, but have struggled in others. My wife has set me up with a therapist and I've been going for a few months with the goal of going back to work eventually.

Thanks for sharing, and wish you the best.

[Cali Panthers Fan]

I dunno, it sounds like a less than ideal situation for you.

I guess I could say that you're not alone. Middle age is very hard on men, hence all the mid-life crises you see.

I agree, customer service forces you to see the ugliness in humanity, but then you can take solace in the fact that you aren't that horrible.

Yes, men are the worst at talking about feelings. Even some of the best and brightest I know recoil at the mere thought of talking about feelings. And yet, if you open up a little, I've seen quite an interesting response at times. Guys I thought were totally shut down were receptive to my discussion and offered real insight and compassion. Don't assume too much.

I spent the last 2 years feeling what you're feeling now. There are two books that helped me:



Stumbling on happiness is a psychological approach to understanding the factors that lead to happiness or unhappiness, as the case may be. It's very academic, and can offer a rational approach to understanding this issue.



This is a great introduction to Buddhism, which offers a more understandable and realistic way out of suffering. It's not a religious discussion per se, but it is founded on Buddhist principles (which are more philosophical than anything). It's clear, concise, and logical, and the more you carry out the teachings, the more you can handle the hard parts of life. It won't make you super happy, but it will ease suffering. That's all you can ask for.

Good luck.

[photon]

I've gone through a couple of phases like that, I think the common thing for them for me was there was just too much stuff. Too many things going on, too much time spent doing things, to many things to focus on.

I just turned 50 and I find my tolerance for having lots of things going on has decreased over the years.

When I was younger I could handle lots of rental properties and house flips and being involved in different things, and when things were challenging like job problems with me then my wife or raising a kid with Aspergers I could handle it and feel like I was still doing what I wanted... but over time it all really started to drain me and over time I've just had to start removing things until I found the level I could manage. Professional help has definitely been instrumental in helping get through the hard times.

Now that I've been there for a bit I've been able to do some things I couldn't before. I'm at the point where I want to maybe start adding some things but adding different things, things I think will make me happy rather than things that I expect of my self or I think others expect of me. Or changing things that before I felt like I couldn't change because of what others might think.

[RichieRich]

It’s true that most men won’t bring up the subject, particularly when in a group. But that said one on one can be a lot more effective but it has to go both ways. Sometimes just venting and talking without seeking advice is good. Often just hearing support and friendship goes a long ways. I’ve got a good buddy who’s going through difficult times, but has also been there for me. I see some other friends struggling and they won’t talk about it or in a limited way. While life isn’t all sunshine it’s important to do some degree of daily gratitudes, movement/exercise, calming and finding a peaceful place (physically and/or mentally). Can’t say I’ve done great either particularly with some situations the last few years. Oddly enough this CP squad, despite the anonymity, has covered a lot of stuff for me. So keep it up everyone.

[flamesfever]

I get my exercise by walking around the neighborhood with my dog. She never fails to let me know when it's time to walk. Her unconditional love adds a lot to my life.

I keep a daily planner and write down all the things I do each day. It somehow gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I try to think of someone that would appreciate a phone call or visit.

In the past when I have become overwhelmed, I have written down all the things that are bothering me. I found that just putting them down offered a sense of relief.

i have found that there are people in the clergy that are more than willing to offer advice and guidance.

My wife suffered through many major depressions. She used to say that the thing that kept her going the most, was me telling her that she would get better... and she did.

[ben voyonsdonc]

Try to do something that makes a difference in someone else’s life - volunteer at the food bank, feed the hungry, join a non profit board. You matter and volunteering is a wonderful way of reminding yourself that you make a mark in the world. You sound like an extremely busy person so it might be good to do something that doesn’t take a lot of time or effort. Working for a couple hours at the food bank could be good for your soul…even if you do it once or twice.

Also, consider adopting a kitten. They are adorable and great little companions while getting progressively more independent. It’s crazy how much you can care about a little furry being.

[Mr.Coffee]

It really seems like SO MANY people, especially men, are going through this exact thing right now. I myself know many of them.

Some people get comfort in knowing that they aren't alone, hopefully you are one of them.

Finding a purpose can be tough, but it's only you that can do it and you should focus on it to elevate your life by recognizing this meaning. Your life has value and you have value and your life has meaning too, but it's pretty much up to you to figure that out and define it.

Hopefully this helps. Oh yeah and, not insignificant and perhaps worth more of your consideration but, I am sure people love you too.

[skudr248]

I always try to find the positives in life and try to find things to look forward to. I am 31, recently married (on paper), ceremony next year, moving to the states in a month, huge social friend circle changes but I never try to see ... for example, like you said 20-40 years in life. I try to look from now until maybe 1 or 2 years out but I have been like that all my life. Priorities, goals, and life circumstances change on the fly... right now, what keeps me going

- having a good career, trying to impress to grow in that career,
- moving to states, trying to keep ^ career,
- supporting, loving, and growing with my wife, having kids etc., and
- buying our first house finally (after living in Van for 6 years in an apartment, I can't god damn wait).

Life for me is always on the fly and enjoying sometimes the stress and unknowns of life. I shattered my elbow to oblivion at 28 YO and I remember thinking my life was over (long story) but I learned a lot from that situation and my recovery which took over a year and a half. My wife and I are complete opposites (which I would categorize you and my wife think similarly) and we went to therapy and it's helped so tremendously that I do recommend it to anyone in these situations.

[afc wimbledon]

You effin' kids aint got nothing to complain about, I'm bleeding 60 and now have to get my head around what I am now is all I will ever be!!

I'm not going to write a book or play center half for the Hammers, I'm not going to be a rich man, what keeps me going is trying to do good things, making meals for an emergency cold weather shelter my lodge runs, helping out my old foster kids and watching them grow into young men, my daughter is a functioning adult has a job and everything, I'm reasonably content with what I have done with my 4 score and ten or however long it turns out to be.

[skudr248]

Originally Posted by afc wimbledon

You effin' kids aint got nothing to complain about, I'm bleeding 60 and now have to get my head around what I am now is all I will ever be!!

I'm not going to write a book or play center half for the Hammers, I'm not going to be a rich man, what keeps me going is trying to do good things, making meals for an emergency cold weather shelter my lodge runs, helping out my old foster kids and watching them grow into young men, my daughter is a functioning adult has a job and everything, I'm reasonably content with what I have done with my 4 score and ten or however long it turns out to be.

Except trying to survive the rental and housing prices you boomers put us in, amongst other things

[afc wimbledon]

Originally Posted by skudr248

Except trying to survive the rental and housing prices you boomers put us in, amongst other things

I couldn't afford a flat in London back in the 80's which is basically why I came to Vancouver! in my defense I bought a dirt cheap ex grow op in E Van for 250,000 in 2000 and have lived there ever since so I havent personally been out running up house prices (of course my house is now worth 1,500,000 or so)

[skudr248]

Originally Posted by afc wimbledon

I couldn't afford a flat in London back in the 80's which is basically why I came to Vancouver! in my defense I bought a dirt cheap ex grow op in E Van for 250,000 in 2000 and have lived there ever since so I havent personally been out running up house prices (of course my house is now worth 1,500,000 or so)

Well, we plebs in my generation, can't afford anything in any major city now for any comprehensible amount. I remember my dad recently trying to make a point about massive interest rates on his ~100K whatever initial home and how I should feel bad about it.

[Coach]

Originally Posted by afc wimbledon

You effin' kids aint got nothing to complain about, I'm bleeding 60 and now have to get my head around what I am now is all I will ever be!!

I'm not going to write a book or play center half for the Hammers, I'm not going to be a rich man, what keeps me going is trying to do good things, making meals for an emergency cold weather shelter my lodge runs, helping out my old foster kids and watching them grow into young men, my daughter is a functioning adult has a job and everything, I'm reasonably content with what I have done with my 4 score and ten or however long it turns out to be.

No reason you can’t write that book.

With all your foster kids and work that you do I’m sure there’s a lot of interesting things to draw from.

As for OP, if you’ve convinced someone to love you and they really do, I’d say that’s reason enough.