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Old 09-23-2022, 08:07 AM   #121
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Subsidized housing isn’t as readily available as people may think, in Calgary for example, there’s around a 5000 person waiting list. They actually tell you to check back at least once a year to keep yourself on the list just to give you an idea.
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Old 09-23-2022, 10:17 AM   #122
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I honestly don't know. Hope?
I'm unmarried, no kids, living out of a car, work my ass off and live paycheck to paycheck and two paychecks behind.

The last 5 years has felt like scrapping and crawling and still slipping down the chasm.

I have moments of weakness where I break down and literally cry for hours every 6 or 7 months. Which is pretty much when I take account of my efforts in that time espan and see where there's progress being made only to realize you're falling further behind.

What keeps me going? Stubbornness, hope. Hope I'll finally sleep in my own bed once again. Hope I can see my nieces and nephews grow up and become amazing people.

But it's damned bleak man, and it's exhausting trudging through these current experiences. I'm weary, I'm tired, I don't care about a lot of things like I used to. Trying to let go of things to focus more energy on survival. I feel like I've been in survival mode for a few years now and I'm scared of how it'll affect me after this experience.

Can't tell you how the anxiety takes over every night, sleep isn't particularly friendly.

I'd like to think my deletion does more harm than good but I also have nothing really to tether me here. And thats a lonely ass thought to fight with. Self worth is questioned hourly.

It adds up and I see how many hit thay wall.

You are stronger than you even know.
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Old 09-23-2022, 01:21 PM   #123
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I do mean well but came off flippant.

I still stand by you got to work less hours. Drop one job? Talk to the manager of the other job to perhaps have a better schedule? Is the commute good or bad? Are you scrambling from one job to the other? Somehow have less or more manageable bills? Without knowing the details, there must be a way.
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Old 09-23-2022, 02:05 PM   #124
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It's all good, girlysports. You have to realize is that mental health problems are particularly exacerbated in people close to the poverty line or who have housing insecurity. The fact that it isn't as simple as working less or making an arrangement with a friendly manager is part of what makes these concerns so pressing.
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Old 09-23-2022, 02:25 PM   #125
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Depending on the family. That can also be just another burden that's part of the problem.
.
Well I agree. I tried to touch on that, albeit all wrapped up in my own brand of defensive humour.

It was actually the parting advice from my psychologist before appointments with her ended: Lean on friends and family

I also tried to emphasize going to a professional, and even prefaced my post stating advice in this thread isn't professional advice, and that I don't really have anything concrete to offer other than moral support, 'you're not alone,' etc

That's kind of what a support group is, and I'd say this place, this thread, for better or worse, is more akin to that than anything
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Old 09-24-2022, 01:19 PM   #126
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Originally Posted by dammage79 View Post
I honestly don't know. Hope?
I'm unmarried, no kids, living out of a car, work my ass off and live paycheck to paycheck and two paychecks behind.

The last 5 years has felt like scrapping and crawling and still slipping down the chasm.

I have moments of weakness where I break down and literally cry for hours every 6 or 7 months. Which is pretty much when I take account of my efforts in that time espan and see where there's progress being made only to realize you're falling further behind.

What keeps me going? Stubbornness, hope. Hope I'll finally sleep in my own bed once again. Hope I can see my nieces and nephews grow up and become amazing people.

But it's damned bleak man, and it's exhausting trudging through these current experiences. I'm weary, I'm tired, I don't care about a lot of things like I used to. Trying to let go of things to focus more energy on survival. I feel like I've been in survival mode for a few years now and I'm scared of how it'll affect me after this experience.

Can't tell you how the anxiety takes over every night, sleep isn't particularly friendly.

I'd like to think my deletion does more harm than good but I also have nothing really to tether me here. And thats a lonely ass thought to fight with. Self worth is questioned hourly.

It adds up and I see how many hit thay wall.
Are you in Calgary? PM me if you need a safe, quiet and dark spot to park where you wont be hassled. I'm on 10 acres of land just outside the SW edge of the City near the Cross Conservation area and you are welcome to come park on occasion if you'd like.

If you are handy and can chop wood, mend fences, or cut grass we could also provide some cash and/or some home-cooked meals.
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Old 09-24-2022, 03:06 PM   #127
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Are you in Calgary? PM me if you need a safe, quiet and dark spot to park where you wont be hassled. I'm on 10 acres of land just outside the SW edge of the City near the Cross Conservation area and you are welcome to come park on occasion if you'd like.

If you are handy and can chop wood, mend fences, or cut grass we could also provide some cash and/or some home-cooked meals.
You're very kind to offer but I live in Victoria. Thank you for that.

Part of the problem is I live in Victoria. All systems of support are stretch beyond their limit. Not that I'd use them either as I can see with my very own eyes that there are far more at risk people than I that need any support the system can give them.

I work, don't drink, don't consume drugs. I'm a big fella who can handle my own if needed.

But as I said, things add up, loneliness, effort getting nowhere, looking at rental prices for anything around here is guaranteed to cause depression in anybody. Then you look at the waiting lists for even bachelor apartments.

I am leaving Victoria after this winter. But I've left places and moved before with nothing but a bag of clothes and started from scratch too many times. I just refuse to do it again. I'm moving away with something this time.

Anyways, I've babbled. I appreciate the kindness you have offered. Cheers.
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Old 09-26-2022, 07:10 AM   #128
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I do mean well but came off flippant.

I still stand by you got to work less hours. Drop one job? Talk to the manager of the other job to perhaps have a better schedule? Is the commute good or bad? Are you scrambling from one job to the other? Somehow have less or more manageable bills? Without knowing the details, there must be a way.
sometimes there isn't a way to just work less.
If two having two jobs is what it takes to make enough money to pay bills and eat, then you can't just drop one.
adjusting schedules or commutes for example, won't change the bottom line of needing the money from those jobs.
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Old 09-26-2022, 09:20 AM   #129
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This thread has a lot of great advice and conversation in it. I hope that I just read through 7 pages of it can show CM that a lot of people do truly care about him. I also can't help but notice how many people I run into that seem to be in your same situation. I hope you can realize how big of a step even starting this thread is.

Humans are complex in that there's no lever to pull for this to make it all better. What works for one of us likely won't work for the other. There's no real silver bullet here, but there are a hell of a lot of lead ones:

- Sleep
- Exercise
- Social activities
- Hobbies
- Real food

What some have pointed out is also true... depending on where you're at, the above might be a lot. The common advice to depressed people is to move your body, which is correct, it's also missing the context that when you're depressed you might not be able to without incredible effort. In my experience the bullet points above are great for the in-between times when you're not in the pit.

I went through some stuff a few years ago, and the trauma of a wolf attack sent me down a very valuable path of self-discovery. Some of the things that helped me:

- a therapist that I went to 4 times gave me some tidbits that I literally think about every day (I recognize my privilege in being able to afford this)

- Journalling is a great way to get a bird's eye view of the battlefield. There's a disconnect I can't explain with writing, where you can give form to some of those feelings and maybe see them from a different angle. I appreciate some feel silly doing it, but it's a low-stakes thing to try.

- Meditation for me has been key, mostly in recognizing that thoughts are not coming from me, but I have a choice in how I want to act on them (several have recommended yoga, which can be very similar and perhaps more important as you mentioned your body is breaking down)

- The concept of a "check engine light"... if I ever feel a strong draw to <insert destructive behaviour here>, I must go for a walk around my neighbourhood without distraction. I have several of these mini-rules set up.

- In the same vein, recognizing that it's very hard to change the mind with the mind, and the body with the body. Change the mind with the body, and change the body with the mind.

- Motivation follows action, but we usually get this backwards. Saying "I'll go for a walk when inspiration strikes" is a poor strategy. You go for the walk and then inspiration finds you. Again, if you are in the pit, this can be extremely difficult, so don't beat yourself up if you can't

- For me there was a great freedom in not pushing back against life. The concept that I was doing it wrong or that there was some magical destination that I couldn't find was crushing.

- The answers to these things are often simple, but in no way easy. Jumping off a 10m diving board is just a simple step, but most people wouldn't be able to do it.

- Most importantly (to me) is I believe almost no positive change can occur without some love for yourself. I found metta meditations (loving kindness) were huge for me. They forced me to be kind to myself for a few minutes each day, and eventually I tricked myself into believing it.

Again, the above is part of my path and yours will be different. Pick and choose as you see fit. Thank you for the thread.
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Old 09-26-2022, 11:06 PM   #130
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Her name is Stella, she gives my life meaning
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Old 09-27-2022, 11:47 AM   #131
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"Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I have found.

I've found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk, that keeps the darkness at bay.

Simple acts of kindness, and love."

The world is full of beautiful, tiny moments that make life worth living.

Allow yourself the grace to recognize them when they're happening to you, because they probably happen more often than you realize.

This is my daughter. I never knew I could love anything as much as I love her.

I've been trying and failing to describe my thoughts on this video - probably means I should let people draw their own conclusions.

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Old 09-27-2022, 01:07 PM   #132
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"Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I have found.

I've found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk, that keeps the darkness at bay.

Simple acts of kindness, and love."

The world is full of beautiful, tiny moments that make life worth living.

Allow yourself the grace to recognize them when they're happening to you, because they probably happen more often than you realize.

This is my daughter. I never knew I could love anything as much as I love her.

I've been trying and failing to describe my thoughts on this video - probably means I should let people draw their own conclusions.

I remember when my daughter was born, I was in my late twenties and had never really had much in the way of a plan for life or sense of where or why I was doing what I was doing, as soon as they gave me this little bundle of life it was like a light going off in my head, this was the whole point of my existence, why I went to work, had an adult life, it all fell into place right there in the hospital.

It didnt make a vast difference to what I did, I was already a youth worker by then working with kids, we had a house etc but it made all the crappy parts of life more bearable made it all make sense somehow
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Old 09-27-2022, 07:49 PM   #133
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Evening Folks,

First off I want to thank those of you that reached out to me. It means alot that people out there care about some knucklehead on a hockey forum. I probably should have dropped back in sooner, however there's a part of me that's embarrassed that I laid everything out to a bunch of strangers. You'd think that would be the easy part, however being on here for 18 years can still make you worry about what people think.

So I did finally reach out to my doctor to book an appointment today to talk with her. I'm debating printing out my post to show her how I feel, just because I don't know how I'm going to react to seeing her in person. A part of me just keeps thinking it was a bad day, so I kept putting off calling the office, but I know I have alot of bad days and deep down there is something that needs to be figured out.

Thanks for all the suggestions, there were certainly some interesting ones. Yes I would definitely like to work less, however some poor past decisions have me needing to pay things off, not to mention with all the rate hikes, my mortgage has gone up $300 a month and I expect at least another $100 with the next increase. I'm looking into locking in, however what I'm paying currently is still below alot of the rates out there. I am also working with my gf on a budget to try an handle some of these things and I am hoping to have a few of them paid off soon.

I hope we can continue to talk to each other about our mental struggles. As (mostly) men, we have to get over the perception that talking about our feelings makes us less manly.

So how are you all doing?
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Old 09-27-2022, 07:54 PM   #134
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Better after hearing you've taken a step. Doing something is better than doing nothing. In fact, that's one of the key points in the book I recommended. Those who take actions are happier than those who endlessly debate and do not act for fear of making the wrong choice.

Just don't sit idly by and let your life slip past you. Make a change. Take a step. Anything you do is better than nothing at all.

We're all pulling for you. The financial stuff cannot be helped, but wealth never equated to happiness. Sure, the pressures of paying bills diminish, but that does not mean happy. Either way, I hope that issue is resolved for you soon. I've been there, and I get it, but it won't last forever.

Keep trying and keep taking steps. It will get better eventually.
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Old 09-27-2022, 11:44 PM   #135
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So I did finally reach out to my doctor to book an appointment today to talk with her. I'm debating printing out my post to show her how I feel, just because I don't know how I'm going to react to seeing her in person.
Printing out your post is a really good idea. If handing her a piece of paper helps you get over the fear/shame/whatever of starting the conversation, so be it. I did something similar with my doctor, I found an article that described how I was feeling and handed it to him and said can you help me with this?
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Old 09-28-2022, 12:01 AM   #136
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Something a therapist told me once is you can't idly think your way out of depression since ruminating and (over)thought is what saddled you there to begin with. It is in taking action and participating in the world that shakes you out of the mental stagnation. There are mental and chemical rewards in just getting up and getting out and doing things, even if it is starting with something basic. And a general realization of "the world doesn't seem so bad when I'm out and immersed in it",. We tend to just build up challenges of life to feel much more impossible while in isolation. Also natural sunlight recieved by the optic nerves triggers chemical processes in the brain that makes you feel awake and alert & generally better. So basically the lesson is in order to shed the cobwebs opt for action before thought .. Just get out before contemplating all the aspects and challenges that getting out entails (which demotivates and overwhelms you.) The mind creates these dragons while the real world is cooperative and will help you find your way if you just go into it willingly without defeating yourself mentally first. Not easy if it is not your usual way but no question action dissolves depressive thoughts without fail. You just have to switch your mental chatter off long enough to start doing something.

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Old 11-09-2022, 11:37 AM   #137
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Update:

Saw my doctor today to talk about a lot of things I've never said out loud before. She was obviously quite concerned, but proud of me for having the courage to talk about it. The first step was upping the dose on my medication. She also referred me to a phycologist and booked me back in to see her again in a month.

Thanks to all of you for your suport

Kev
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Old 11-09-2022, 12:41 PM   #138
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It does take a lot of courage. Good on you for following through on it.
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Old 04-26-2023, 01:48 PM   #139
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Since we don't have a mental health thread, I figured I'd put this here.

Kevin Smith came out about his mental health struggles today. I know it's a bit long at 35 minutes, but it's a great watch.

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Old 04-26-2023, 02:46 PM   #140
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The fact I have two sons keeps me here and that's it. I live in constant pain, nothing is affordable, the world is a mess, my life is a mess, and I would absolutely shuffle off this mortal coil if it wouldn't affect my family. Maybe I will get lucky and have a massive anurysm. The things that do bring me any sense of happiness are always tainted. My favourite hockey team is a never-ending ride of disappointment and the board I talk about them on hates me. My oldest son whom I raised on my own has autism and can't work so I have to look after him. My youngest has a bitch of a mother who makes it difficult for me to even see him. The bad car wreck I was in a few years ago has left me a wreck, half my body is fn plates and screws and arthritis has already set in everywhere thus killing my working career. Everything is beyond stupid expensive. The planet is screwed, humans are like Earth cancer, killing it's host while spreading and spreading. I can't even picture how bad it will be for my 12 year old when he is my age (I am 48). I commend everyone who opened up in this thread and for those that have the hope things will get better I sincerely hope it will. Don't try and sell it to me though because it is bs. Life sucks and then you croak, sooner than later hopefully. Sorry for the rant.
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