Quote:
Originally Posted by Bingo
Always find this site really interesting when the team is in a skid. Seems like people sitting on things for months get triggered and lay out every theory.
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Funny you should say that. I have been sitting on my own theory since the playoffs that I didn't feel too comfortable with sharing until now. I am reading some exceptionally bizarre theories here that seem to be fabricated out of the smelly air that comes out people's rear-ends. Let's really have an honest talk about the reality of the situation that we find ourselves in as Fans of the Flames.
What is really going on is that the Flames skyrocketed last regular season. It was very noticeable. What has been a bit less obvious has been the 'good season - poor season' ups and downs. The whole hockey world took note, as did the Ganymedians. They wanted to figure out how one team one year could achieve poor results, and then superb results the next. So right before the playoffs began, they abducted half of the Flames' players, and started running some really invasive testing. Unfortunately, this has led to APTSD (Alien Post Testing Syndrome Disorder - tender areas that are not normally tender and that don't really heal, as well as vivid flashbacks of such testing).
The players are temporarily replaced with doppelgangers, but unfortunately for us as fans, they are just not good at the game of hockey. People don't realize that Calgary is the world's hotspot for UFO's and related phenomenon, so this correlates nicely. Last season they replaced Neal as they wanted to study the effect of coaching when it comes to us earthlings, so he was replaced for the entire season as a control variable. I haven't been able to deduce what they are studying this season, but I firmly believe that indeed most players with the exception of Rittich have been replaced with these doppelgangers.
So, when the doppelgangers are on the ice, they are completely atrocious. However, when it is a previously abducted Flames' player, you can tell that they are having flashbacks of being probed. It is so very easy to see, and I don't know how a forum with this many people on it haven't been able to simply observe this blatant phenomenon.
I share this information knowing full well that I am placing myself in absolute danger. I just want to assuage the members of this forum during these dark times.
What can we do about this? Well, the one player that I know for sure hasn't been abducted yet is Rittich. We need to send a team to him, and he needs to be wrapped completely in tinfoil. No, this is not a 'tinfoil hat' conspiracy theory - tinfoil hats just stop them from reading your mind and nothing else (and they do that by making your skull cap and brain invisible). That's not what is going on here, and saying that this is some stupid tinfoil hat conspiracy theory is completely stupid - don't be one of these idiots, ok? Rittich needs to be wrapped in premium aluminum foil. A tinfoil tube needs to be formed around his mouth and nose (i.e. - elephant-like) to allow his breathing and feeding. A lightbulb then has to be inserted on top of this, and plugged into a socket. He will become completely invisible to the aliens, and they will just assume he is a floor lamp. I thought Tkachuk was himself, but it turns out that he has also been replaced lately - we were too slow to act there, and for that, I apologize. I fear Rittich may be the only one left that hasn't been traumatized or replaced.
This is also not the only thing to worry about either. We have meddling in our drafting. Dare I say foreign interference? Ukraine has been meddling in our drafting for years now. Need evidence to support this?
Dave Relerson, Chris Blotti, Bryan Deasly, and Jesper Mattsson.
Don't stick your head in the sand and say I am crazy. These names show that I am completely sane and right about this. There are other names I am sure, but these should be the most well-known and provide unequivocally this evidence of foreign interference in our drafting.
I have given you the information necessary to stop the Ganymedians from Ganymede, but I have no idea how to stop this Ukrainian plot. I can't provide all your answers for you, unfortunately.
