I recently bought a new hockey stick. I now know that it is magic. I know I should not give away the end of the story at the beginning (as it tends to make the rest of the story redundant) but it was already in the title, so that particular point is moot. Look, can we just let that fact go now?
I play hockey. Ice hockey. I play in a men's league, but I do not think this precludes the involvement of women. I call it a men's league because it's the time I feel most like a REAL MAN. When I play hockey.
I recently played a summer season. 12 games and I had a measly 3 points. That is less than one point per game. In fact, I would have needed 9 more points to even make one point per game! That is three more points per game than I currently had, according to my math. I am not a math wizard.
I did not score a goal the whole summer season. My team was terrible. We has a very BAD RECORD and I think most of the other teams laughed at us. I noted a smirk on one of the other player's faces once and it made me squeeze my fists into balls. The fists became balls, not that I was squeezing them (balls).
I started this season on a new team as the other one only plays in the summer. I played the first two games with the same stick I had before. It has a curve on it that is from Mr. Henrik Zetterberg. Despite him being a fine gentleman (I assume), I did not like the shape and such. I went my first three games with no points and our team got beaten up soundly. I could hear the other teams being loud in their locker rooms after the games and I can only assume the noise was at our expense and in the spirit of mockery. My team mates glowered and glared and grumbled.
I recently went to a hockey store where they sell hockey equipment. I tried out a new VERY EXPENSIVE stick ($$$!!!) and felt it. It had a lower flex. It was shiny and black and had sort of bumpy grippy things on it. It was an IGINLA curve with a more square end to the blade (which I find really improved my ability to stickhandle, toe-drag and pick up pucks in the corner.) I was uncertain, but I thought I would try it. I paid super dollars for it ($$$!!!)
I tried it out in a practice. I was suddenly faster on my skates. I dangled like a big ol' dangler. My strength increased at LEAST 3-fold. I shot a lot of pucks and man did they go FAST, I tell you what! I fired a slap shot directly at one of my team mates and boy was he scared! (he was on the bench at the time) I could not help but laugh a hearty laugh of pure joy! It was the beginning of my theory that this stick was MAGIC!
In the first game I used it in, we beat the pants off of the other team. I scored one goal and got one assist! I will tell you of the goal. I skated into the other team's zone after taking a pass in a truly awesome fashion. I deked the defenseman and sniped that sucker short side. Time paused. As the puck darted past the stunned goaltender, I gave him a knowing wink and a nod and THE POWER OF MY STICK made him drop to his knees, bereft of strength! Or he was going in the butterfly too late. I don't know.
The next game I scored TWO goals (!!!) and got an assist. One of the goals was a garbage goal but it was a magic garbage goal. The other was a brilliant one-timer that I fired into the top corner. If his water bottle had been on that side of the net and not the middle of it, it would have flown to the ceiling, I'm sure. I celebrated my goal by jumping OVER the glass, hovering briefly, spinning, and landing at centre ice! I could never do that with my old stick. My team won 5-1 and two of the goals were MINE!
I fully anticipate winning the next game, and according to my calculations, I will be GUARANTEED and hat-trick! I have no doubt my team is now a lock for the WORLD CHAMPIONS because of me and my magic stick.
So if you hear about a new guy in the NHL that nobody ever heard of and who scores a ton of goals and who can levitate and who HAS A MAGIC FREAKING STICK, you'll know it's me. I would highly recommend getting such a stick. It is likely in the top three pieces of sporting equipment I have bought in the last two years. I would say 4 stars out of 5.
Thank you for listening to my magic stick story.
Last edited by Crazy Bacon Legs; 09-24-2010 at 06:12 PM.
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I recently played a summer season. 12 games and I had a measly 3 points. That is less than one point per game. In fact, I would have needed 9 more points to even make one point per game! That is three more points per game than I currently had, according to my math. I am not a math wizard.
That you aren't. Increasing your PPG rate by 3 points/game, you'd be at 39 points in that stretch.
Am I the only one who thought this thread was going to about something completely different?
__________________ "There will be a short outage tonight sometime between 11:00PM and 1:00AM as network upgrades are performed. Please do not panic and overthrow society. Thank you."
I got the magic stick
I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice
(I am the baddest chick)
(Shorty you don't believe me, then come with me tonight)
(And I'll show you maaagic - what? What?)
Maaagic (uh-huh, uh-huh)
(I got the magic c*it)
My Magic Stick
