Relationship advice - Sticking with Marriage or not

[spuzzum]

I have two children under 10 and my marriage has been going downhill for quite some time. The last three months have been excellent but another incident has caused a big fight and we're back to square one. We argue but never are combative or angry in front of the kids.

Is it better to stick with a loveless marriage until children are of adult age and moved out of the house? At what point do you call it quits and start over? I've known many couples to have magically split after the last teenager moves out for college. I'm quite curious how other members of CP have endured the situation. Advice or stories sought. Cheers!

[Hockeyguy15]

I don't think advice from random internet people should be your way to decide how to proceed with your marriage.

See a therapist, chat with them and then make the decision that is best for you (and your kids).

[Northendzone]

I think you need to ask yourself would your life be better with your wife or without. if the answer is with and your wife answer is the same, then are you both willing to seek out help via a third party.

there have been times where I wanted to change my relationship, but I thought about eh above question and somehow my wife and I found a way to work things out or we got out of our relationship rut.

perhaps going on some type of week long tropical vacation could help re-ignite your relationship. but I get that with two kids that may not be feasible.

[squiggs96]

Have you considered joining the military?

[Ozy_Flame]

I agree, don't ask random internet people - too many varieties of opinions. And most are not professional.

If you haven't tried marriage counselling, give it a go. Best first step. Health Link can direct you, and there are a few community support options.

If you are feeling healthy and want to talk about it alone, a psychologist is recommended. Even close friends are good to lean on.

If you think you might be depressed or it might be affecting your health, see a psychiatrist. At the very least they can put you through the proper cycles to get help and recognize health impacts.

[jeffporfirio]

Ditto on the therapist.
If you are both willing to make it work, I know first-hand Retrouvaille can be a lifeline.
http://www.retrouvaille.org/

[spuzzum]

Originally Posted by Hockeyguy15

I don't think advice from random internet people should be your way to decide how to proceed with your marriage.

See a therapist, chat with them and then make the decision that is best for you (and your kids).

CP folk aren't random. We have a common interest in hockey - and all are outstanding citizens. Pun aside, I understand your comment as it's completely logical.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by squiggs96

Have you considered joining the military?

Not just any Military, the Army. Or perhaps the French Foreign Legion?

[Erick Estrada]

Seek marriage counseling before listening to anonymous internet advice. Seeing you have young children you owe it to them and your spouse to at least ensure you take every means of doing what's best.

[rotten42]

Originally Posted by spuzzum

I have two children under 10 and my marriage has been going downhill for quite some time. The last three months have been excellent but another incident has caused a big fight and we're back to square one. We argue but never are combative or angry in front of the kids.

Is it better to stick with a loveless marriage until children are of adult age and moved out of the house? At what point do you call it quits and start over? I've known many couples to have magically split after the last teenager moves out for college. I'm quite curious how other members of CP have endured the situation. Advice or stories sought. Cheers!

Went through this. I'll be honest. The divorce was a 4 year #### show but I still made the right decision. Got married last Christmas to a wonderful woman and my life is so much better.

Sure it can be hard on the kids but that depends on how you and your ex treat each other.

How to know when to leave? In my case, it was when I was 100% sure I did everything I could to make the marriage work. When it became apparent that I was the only one trying it was time to let it go.

[Cecil Terwilliger]

Originally Posted by Hockeyguy15

I don't think advice from random internet people should be your way to decide how to proceed with your marriage.

This is totally wrong. First off, he didn't say we get to decide. He asked for advice. Second, CP is a great resource. This isn't 4chan. I'm sure there are many CPers who have been through something similar. It is basically like one big anonymous support group.

OP, getting advice from friends and family, including random people on CP is not a bad idea. Others here may have gone through something similar and their insights may help you figure out the best option for you and your family.

[GordonBlue]

I've never been divorced, but know a few people who have.
It's amazing how many think they'll be happy bachelors and didn't think about the financial cost.
once they're done paying child support and alimony, they're living in a crappy apt with no money, and their kids don't want to see them because without being able to take them out, time with dad is boring.

so basically, before getting divorced make sure you can afford it.

[BigNumbers]

I suggest the time-honoured approach that has been followed by countless men in loveless marriages... A mistress! Cheaper than divorce, and spicier too!

I hope green text isn't needed here...

Or do the sensible, drab thing and start with marriage counselling and not CP's anonymous advice that lacks context and understanding of your particular situation.

[Slava]

Originally Posted by GordonBlue

I've never been divorced, but know a few people who have.
It's amazing how many think they'll be happy bachelors and didn't think about the financial cost.
once they're done paying child support and alimony, they're living in a crappy apt with no money, and their kids don't want to see them because without being able to take them out, time with dad is boring.

so basically, before getting divorced make sure you can afford it.

I don't have much to add to the stay/go, but I don't agree with that bolded part at all. I do free things with my kids regularly and honestly some of those things are awesome! We go for walks, bike rides and just generally hang out. I take them to festivals and things like Beakerhead, picnics and fishing or hikes and these things are either free or near free. Being a fun dad isn't about spending money, it's about spending time and putting a little effort into those relationships.

[wretched34]

Personally, My first wife and I split when our son was 2 years old.
Our relationship was a wreck, full of constant animosity and arguing.
We tried to make it work, for our sons sake, counselling, the whole nine yards.
Ultimately, the decision was mine, and I made it because I wasn't happy, and I knew I wasn't going to be happy, and I didn't want my son growing up to know me as an unhappy person. Same goes for his mother.
He's now nearly 8, we share custody, and have both moved on with our lives. I am re-married, she is engaged. We don't speak to eachother on a personal level, but we co-parent.
I feel like because it happened when our son was so young, he doesn't really know any different, and he's shown no signs of resentment towards either of us. He has a happy life, with two loving families that provide him with everything he needs and then some.

I guess what I'm saying, is in my eyes, it's all about the kids. You say yours are under 10, but I assume older than 2, likely old enough to understand what's going on. Which is where things would get tricky. You don't ever want them thinking it is their fault if you choose to split up, but at the same time, do you want them feeling it's their fault that their parents are unhappily married, because that can and likely will happen as they get older as well. If they are closer to 10, maybe you and the wife need to include them in the conversation. Obviously not at a high level, but get a gauge for how they feel. Include them in family counselling maybe, so a counselor or therapist can help explain the situation in a way that they would understand better?

To add, the greatest thing that has come of the Divorce, is my son now sees, in both houses, what Love looks like.
I've seen the result of kids raised in a home without that love, and it does have an effect. I'd say even more so on young girls, as they grow up in an home without emotion, and think that's how all relationships should be, because "Well that's how mom and dad were". I feel like a better father personally by being able to show my son how to love a woman, not saying you don't treat your wife well and with respect, but a loveless marriage is not the same, and I am sure you know that.

[Hockeyguy15]

Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger

This is totally wrong. First off, he didn't say we get to decide. He asked for advice. Second, CP is a great resource. This isn't 4chan. I'm sure there are many CPers who have been through something similar. It is basically like one big anonymous support group.

OP, getting advice from friends and family, including random people on CP is not a bad idea. Others here may have gone through something similar and their insights may help you figure out the best option for you and your family.

No, it isn't totally wrong. Unless you're a know-it-all, CP has no details on his marriage so we are not in a position to give him sound advice.

Sure finding out what other people did could be helpful but since everyone is different it could just add noise to an already confusing time.

[GGG]

Kids of divorces do fine if both parents stay involved.

Annecdote alert but I was happy when my parents got divorced. Much better than them in a loveless marriage and both of them were better parents as a result. I was between 11-13 or so when they got divorced.

As much as you say your kids aren't aware of it at some point they will be. So don't stay together for your kids. Your kids will be fine if you both commit to working together to raise them whether you guys are together or separate

[handgroen]

[northcrunk]

Originally Posted by Hockeyguy15

No, it isn't totally wrong. Unless you're a know-it-all, CP has no details on his marriage so we are not in a position to give him sound advice.

Sure finding out what other people did could be helpful but since everyone is different it could just add noise to an already confusing time.

There are some CPers who might have good advice considering we have been in happy marriages with kids for a long time.

[Muta]

As a single 30's-something guy who does whatever he wants, when he wants... my advice is probably best left out of this thread. BUT - let me be the first to tell you that this side of the white picket fence is downright magical.