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Old 01-22-2017, 08:38 PM   #1
bc-chris
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hey CP

i've had a really crappy crappy week. my dad has had some up and downs with his health over the last few years and on friday we got some brutal news. he likely only has 8 weeks tops before he passes away, possibly a lot sooner - so that really really sucks. i sure hope we get to celebrate his 74th birthday later next month.

i'm so thankful that my parents are in town (kelowna) so my wife and i and our two kids can see them often.

i'm wondering for those who have been thru a similar situation, what did you do to prepare? and if a parent's passing was unexpected/sudden are there things you wish you had time to do?


i'm currently in the process of writing my dad a letter telling him how much i love him, sharing lots of great memories we've had together and just reaffirming to him how proud i am of him and how his influence has shaped me into the man i am today - holy crap that is a hard letter to write when you can barely see the computer screen thru all the tears in your eyes.

my wife had the idea of taking him to the mall so we could buy my mom a piece of jewelry (she loves jewelry - but not in a snobby showy way - stuff from the heart.) i think it would be another awesome way for my dad to tell her he still loves her with all his heart after 50+ years of marriage

we've also asked him to write a note/short letter to each of our kids that we can share with them when they are older. Jordan is 4 in march and Matthew just turned 18 months - both are too young to grasp what is currently happening and it breaks my heart that my kids won't really know their grandpa. i was very blessed to have all my grand parents until i was well into my 30s

so yea. i would appreciate any suggestions/ideas you have. i want to be able to enjoy the time i have left with him as much as possible.

thanks

chris

we did a bit of a photo shoot this afternoon.... (photos to cherish!)
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:49 PM   #2
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Having not been through it myself I have nothing to offer but my sincere sympathies. He sounds like a great man
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:54 PM   #3
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I am so sorry, man.

See him whenever you can. Be there for him, just like he has been there for you.
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Old 01-22-2017, 09:02 PM   #4
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I am so sorry...it is a mixed blessing to have some warning about how much time you have with your loved ones. I haven't gone through the passing of a parent myself...my only idea would be to do everything you can to create a new memorable experience ASAP.
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Old 01-22-2017, 09:06 PM   #5
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Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I have both my parents but lost my grandparents years back within about a 10 year range. One of the things I wish we had at the time was HD videos, of them just talking, or with a interview talking about themselves. It's just one of those timeless things you could show to your kids when they're older, and even look back fondly of when you get to his age yourself. All the best.
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Old 01-22-2017, 09:09 PM   #6
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Sorry to hear that man. My dad passed away in a car accident when I was a teenager so I never had the chance to say goodbye. I can't really offer you any advice on how to prepare but I think the letter to your dad is a great idea. I think if it was me I would just want to make sure I left nothing unsaid.

Maybe try to do some things with your dad that are special to the both of you. Try to spend as much time as you can with your dad and be there for him and your mom.
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Old 01-22-2017, 09:09 PM   #7
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Sorry that you and your family are going through this. There is nothing worse than knowing you will be losing a pillar of your existence.

I have been through this and the only advice i can offer is to spend as much time as you can with him. Make sure you are there for your mom as well as your dad, as it's going to be hardest on her.

Also, don't forget about yourself. You too are suffering along with all your family and friends, and you to need to grieve. Your wife will want to help...let her.

It sounds cliche, but try and dwell on all the good times/things and focus on them exclusively.

Godspeed to you and all those affected.
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Old 01-22-2017, 09:19 PM   #8
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While I didn't know that it was about to happen, I did take the opportunity to tell my step dad what he meant to me and what he meant to those family members who I knew thought the same way I did.

I take great solice in knowing that I knew that he knew what he meant to me, and that we'd had the conversation a handful of times.

For what it's worth, the first time you say it was the hardest, but it gets easier each time you do it. And there can't be too much so do it alot, and encourage other people to participate in the conversation as well.

Have some fun with it when you can - like come clean on some dumb stuff you did as a teenager that you probably should have told him about. He'll enjoy that.

You might also want to see if there is any of those grandparent memory books he can fill out, or you can help him fill out, for the grandkids when they get older.

And Transplant gives some good advice. Make sure you look out for your mom, your other family members and yourself. You have to care for the caregiver as well as they can burnout physically, mentally and emotionally.
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Old 01-22-2017, 09:29 PM   #9
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I'm really sorry for what your going through, I can't imagine and I dread this kind of conversation because my Dad's in his mid 80's and my mom is in her early 80's, so we're talking about getting prepared. I spent the last year with my parents going through their arrangements so that when it happens, the other parent is taken care of, and there's not a lot of angst and grief over details and legalities when you should be celebrating that person's life.

I like the idea of letters, but how about letting him record messages for your kids birthdays, or special occasions with your wife so he can in a sense be there and they can remember what he looks and sounds like. Especially since your kids are so long. Having a recording from your dad with advice might be a nice thing for you know their 18th birthday or first day of college or their drivers test will also give him a nice feeling of being involved in their lives even though he might be gone.

I like the idea of the letter, and I'm sure you've had the conversation in person, but maybe setting up a day for just you and your dad to do an activity that he can still do. I bought a chess board so that me and my dad can spend some time playing chess, which is a game that he loved but we haven't played a lot of. That way you can also get those feelings out.

I would encourage you to maybe see if you can take some time off of work and spend as much time with family as possible, its important to make sure you help the other people around him through it. If there's any kind of spiritual aspect to your family you might want to make sure that you take care of those needs.

Also sit back and think about how your going to explain this to your young children, I'm not trying to give you parenting advice so forgive me for even sounding like it, but preparing young children for the death of a family member and what happens after he passes is really important.

And yeah, make sure that you plan on how your going to support your mom, after 50 years of marriage if I'm reading this right, there is going to be a huge emotional void that some older folks can find overwhelming. Maybe look at her short term living arrangements and making sure that she has a lot of company should be high on your list of preparation.
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Old 01-22-2017, 09:50 PM   #10
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I'm really sorry to hear that. I lost my parents in a car accident, so there was no chance to say goodbye. I agree with fleury about getting him to do an interview about himself and his childhood and family history. That's stuff that could be lost forever if you don't record it.
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Old 01-22-2017, 09:55 PM   #11
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thanks for the kind words guys - and the ideas

i wish my dad had the strength to do one more 'project' with me. when my wife and i had our house built we took over when the drywall mudding was done. my dad and i finished the interior of the house together... paint, flooring, trims, baseboards, etc. not to mention build my pool table and most of the cool stuff in my games room. those times together (and not just my house, but many other projects like that) were awesome.

i love the idea of doing some videos with him for my kids - that's a great idea

captain... explaining what is going on to Jordan is going to be tough. my sister/brother-in-law's youngest is about 8 months older than Jordan and they basically told her that grandpa is going to die very soon. apparently the kid is an absolute wreck and pretty much breaks down every time the phone rings becuz she thinks it's grandma calling to say that grandpa has died.
Jordan is suuuuuuuuper sensitive (she's an absolute sweetheart, but sooo sensitive). we're really struggling trying to tell her in a way that she'll grasp but won't crush her. my mother-in-law just got back from a month long trip and Jordan was fine that grandma was on a trip.... so we might use that angle to help break it to her that grandpa is going on a very very long trip and we are all very sad to see him leave.

Matthew is still waaaay too young to even grasp what's going on and is more interested in licking windows... seriously... that's so gross! ha!
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Old 01-22-2017, 10:11 PM   #12
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BC-Chris

I don't really have a basis on the kids as I don't have any however, when I was very young I had an aunt who was my favorite aunt. She was smart and funny and always wrote me little notes and sent me cards, and I stayed with her and my other relatives as a kid.

One day she got lung cancer, but because I was young, I think that my parents kind of shielded me from it, I got to go and see her to I think the point where the cancer sh%t show took away everything vibrant about her and reduced her to a shell. At that point my parents quit taking me to see her, I guess they thought that seeing her like that would have been two hard on a young kid like me, I think I was 4 or 5, and yes I remember it.

I also remember because my parents and especially my mom were going through their own worries and stages of grief that they didn't think about talking to us kids about what was going on, and I don't blame them at all for that.

but I also remember that when she died, it was super traumatic, maybe because later on in life I kept thinking that it would have been nice to be with her through to the end, maybe I could have made things better. But after she died, my parents sat me down to talk about death before we buried her, but by that point it didn't help, and it didn't make it any easier for me, and my reaction didn't make it any easier for them, because I remember entirely freaking out because the last time I saw her she seemed to be relatively healthy but laying in bed, the next time I saw her it was a picture in a church and then them carting her body to the grave.

So, thinking back on it, I think that maybe some preparation will help the older one, the younger one is still learning that licking glass isn't the greatest thing ever. But just as you have to kind of transition and help your self and help your dad and other family members in terms of dealing with this awful event, I think you have to prepare the older kid.

Just my two cents and I'm probably wrong.
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Old 01-22-2017, 10:21 PM   #13
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Sorry to hear about your father, Chris. I can appreciate what you are going through as I lost my own father to Cancer.

Never under estimate your emotional strength. It's important that you take it one day at a time. You will get through this. Don't be afraid to reach out to friends if you need to talk. If you feel the need to cry don't be afraid to do it. Bottling up your emotions is not a good thing.

The letter is a great idea but I would encourage you to take it one step further. Get a video camera and have your father read the letter as you are filiming it. Also do a video of your kids with their grandpa spending time together. Gather up a collection of pictures of your kids with thier grandpa. They will get a visual impression of who their grandpa was and how much fun they had with him and will greatly appreciate what you did.

Your mother is going to need all the emotional support she can get from you and your wife. Also be very strong for her. I know it will be hard but she will be looking to you and your wife for increasing support when the end gets close. Be that rock for her.

Spend as much time as you can with your father and always tell him you love him after each and every visit. Talking with him and reflecting on all the good times you had together will help to take his mind off of things. Go out and do things that you enjoy doing and make the best of time you have togther.
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Old 01-22-2017, 10:29 PM   #14
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Sorry to hear about this, but do everything you can to make the best of what precious time is left. In my case my Dad went suddenly with no warning....I hadnt seen him for 10 months before he passed.

Having him do something for the kids is a good idea. As they get older they will only have slight memories and the old pictures. Letters might be old time, but with changing technology it could be tough to do recored things to keep.

Your Dad was lucky to at least see his Grand kids. That will always be my one big regret is that my Dad never got to see his.

Take care all the best to you in these difficult days. Do try to remember the great times, those will always stay with you.
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Old 01-22-2017, 10:33 PM   #15
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I hate to be 'that guy' but definitely make sure his paperwork is in order.

I cant tell you how many times I've been dealing with a client whose parent passed away and when they should be grieving they're sorting through old boxes looking for Wills and documents.
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Old 01-22-2017, 10:34 PM   #16
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This is awful to hear man. I wish you the best and hope your thread serves as a reminder to the rest of us to value the time we have with our folks.

Lots of good point from others. I'll add that this may be a good time for you to go talk to an estate lawyer to get things lined up for your dad - to make sure any anxieties he may have about taking care of you, your mom, and your family once the time comes. Knowing what's going to happen to major assets, funeral costs, etc. may help put him at ease.

Wills and estates is not an area I practice in or I'd offer some advice myself, but one of the things you may wish to consider with him is whether he would like to make gifts of significant items rather than making them subject to a will. That way he gets to impart any meaningful things himself, and see the impact they have on his loved ones, rather than them getting dealt with in his will. It's a tough thing to talk about, but it may help him to know these sorts of details are taken care of.
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Old 01-22-2017, 10:38 PM   #17
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When my dad got sick with cancer, I was very fortunate to have enough flexibility at work to spend a lot of time with him. I talked to my boss and arranged for reduced hours and responsibility in order to prioritize time with my dad. Companies are very often willing to work with you in situations like this, so don't be afraid to ask. Also, family and friends will reach out asking what they can do - never be afraid to ask. People want to help.

Before he got too sick to go out, dad did buy my step-mom a really nice ring that she wears all the time still. He brought home a new car for her one day out of the blue, because he wanted to make sure she had something safe and reliable. It was pretty funny.

One thing that may come up is hospice care. We were unable to get a space in hospice as he declined quickly at the end but I remain convinced that it would have been a better option for end of life care.

I worked with my step-mom to come up with a loose schedule near the end to ensure we always had one of us with him when he was in palliative care. He just didn't want to be alone. We spent a lot of time bull####ting about the old days and talking about sports or whatever. Learned a few good final lessons.

Wishing your father a peaceful final journey and comfort to you and your family.
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Old 01-22-2017, 10:47 PM   #18
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I lost my mother in 2014. She fought cancer for three years, but cancer had won. She wasn't very old, 77. When it came back, two years after the first surgery, we knew that she was not going to live long; it took nine months. Last couple of months were really bad; she was in a delirium state a lot, because of all of the painkillers, and hardly recognized people around her. She always liked when I brought my kids with me to visit her. I did take her out in a wheelchair when the days were nice, so that she could enjoy some sun. She liked that. At some point, spending hours at the hospital every day started feeling like a chore, but now I wish I'd just taken a couple of months off work and spent more time with her. I was not at her bedside when she actually passed away. I had a meeting that morning and arrived an hour after it happened. I still can't forgive myself for that fully. I thought I was mentally prepared for THAT day to come, but I wasn't. There has not been a day since when I did not think of her at least once...

Tell your Dad how much you love him, ask him to tell you stories. Mom told me some stories of her youth that she had never told me before, ever. Tell him funny stuff about you, your kids, your work. Ask him to give you some advice, even if it's trivial. Keep in mind, it might be difficult for him to talk. It was for my Mom, so she wanted me to talk.

There was not much of an estate left, so we did not have to worry about that part. Ask your Dad if he wants some of his things to be given to someone specific; write it down and do it for him.

I did ask Mom how she'd like her funeral arranged but she did not like discussing it at all, so I stopped bringing that up. This is individual for everyone, so no advice here. Some people see death as a normal part of life and don't think too much of it at all. My mother was a 100% atheist and never really thought much of the religious aspects of death.

Anyway, this is not going to be easy, bc-chris, and "be strong" is a useless platitude. Passing of a parent leaves a huge hole in one's heart. If you're a spiritual person, try talking to your spiritual advisor regularly. If not, talk to any priest in your local church; it does help a little bit, actually.

I am very sorry, man.
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Old 01-22-2017, 11:46 PM   #19
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thanks guys

i know my parent's will is current and although i don't know the details of their will, i know everything will basically transfer over to my mom.

my dad asked if there were any of his things that i wanted (which hit home hard). we don't really 'need' anything so it's just more sentimental stuff. there are a few small things that would be nice and i'm sure more things will surface once we go thru his stuff. i know my dad wants me to have his tools, i just don't know if i should ask if i should start taking them over to my place yet? seems kinda cold and selfish.

i know his pickup truck is going to a family friend who could really use it and tomorrow he's going to talk to the insurance company about transferring ownership.

as for getting things in order - my folks were at the bank of saturday getting things all squared away - so that's good.
financially my mom will be fine
i'm not sure yet what has been arranged funeral-wise. i know they've started the process though.

i think the good thing in all this is that my dad is totally at peace with the coming weeks. of course he doesn't want to leave my mom and the rest of his family this soon, but his calmness i think is helping my mom out a lot
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Old 01-22-2017, 11:48 PM   #20
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Jesus. This is the worst. This happened to me last summer.

I will post more tomorrow when I'm in front of my computer.

Try not to shut down. Say all the things you really want to say to him while you can.

Regret can haunt you if you stubbornly wait for the right moment, at least, it does in my case.
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