In the latest Down Goes Brown article on the Athletic he answers readers questions. One reader asked him to pick a wrestler that best represents NHL teams. With the the Oiler and Flames connections I thought this needed to get posted here. Plus, it’s something light hearted to distract from the doom and gloom.
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Given your obvious passion for professional wrestling in addition to hockey, if you had to assign one wrestling identity to each (or a select handful of) NHL franchises, which teams would be represented by which wrestlers?
Are the Blackhawks like Roman Reigns in that they were cool when their core was young and up-and-coming, but then they won a bunch of titles and were constantly pushed (national NBC slots, outdoor games, etc.) until the over-exposure made the fans turn on them?
Are the Oilers like Hulk Hogan because they were dominant in the 80s, then sold out (or were sold off) in the 90s and then whenever they did win (draft lotteries), it did nothing but upset fans of the product? — Andre D.
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OK, first of all, “obvious passion for pro wrestling”? I’m insulted that you think I’m some sort of serious wrestling fan. You take that back. With that out of the way, let’s spend 400 words on this.
You’ve clearly got the Oilers nailed — they’re Hogan for sure. I don’t think the Blackhawks can be Reigns though, since he’s still relevant. The Penguins are Roman Reigns — always on top, always on TV, currently being reinvented although they still look pretty much the same — while the Blackhawks are more John Cena.
The Canadiens are clearly Ric Flair — more championships than anyone, haven’t been truly relevant in decades but don’t seem to realize that. The Red Wings are The Undertaker — old school, an almost unparalleled run of success starting in 1990, painful to watch for the last five years. The Kings are CM Punk — all the smart people got on the bandwagon first, won multiple championships, haven’t been seen since 2014.
The Jets are the Ultimate Warrior — left for a few years and then came back but some people won’t shut up about how it’s not the same guy. The Devils are Mick Foley — three championships, a style that wasn’t for everyone, and somebody usually ended up with a concussion. And the Flames have to be Bret Hart — from Calgary, broke through in the late 80s, had to wait for Hogan (the Oilers) to go away before winning a championship, best known to modern fans for getting screwed over by the officials.
OK, just a few more and then I promise I’ll stop. The Golden Knights are Becky Lynch — not supposed to be good but apparently didn’t get the memo. The Lightning are Randy Orton — won their first championship in 2004, just won another one, pretty much always contending and it’s annoying. The Rangers are Bob Backlund — glory years in a bygone time but never did anything in the modern era except for that one title in 1994.
The Sharks are Shane McMahon — old, expensive, apparently oblivious to how bad they look these days, and you only watch them in big moments because you know it’s going to end with a memorable crash-and-burn. The Coyotes are early Bill Goldberg — they have one move under their belt and probably need a second before they can win a championship. The current Islanders are Dean Malenko, but if I say why their fans will kill me. And finally, the Leafs are Barry Horowitz — on TV every Saturday, never win anything, constantly patting themselves on the back anyway.
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Hockey is just a game the way ice cream is just glucose, love is just
a feeling, and sex is just repetitive motion.
C'mon... we're not Bret Hart. We're Christian Cage, the guy everyone thought should have a run at the top but just can't quite seem to get over that mid-card hump.
The Canucks are Jake the Snake. Been around decades and have never won the big title. At times they were one of the best in the business, but they could never pull off the big win. At other times a complete train wreck. Currently undergoing a rejuvenation.
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Always playing second fiddle. Everyone knows who they are, but never really worries about them. Flashy and endearingly arrogant, always trying to make a splash. Great interviews. If you stare them down, they are actually kind of scary. Most likely to force you to have a beer with them.
Nobody really wants to play them.
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"We don't even know who our best player is yet. It could be any one of us at this point." - Peter LaFleur, player/coach, Average Joe's Gymnasium
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Always playing second fiddle. Everyone knows who they are, but never really worries about them. Flashy and endearingly arrogant, always trying to make a splash. Great interviews. If you stare them down, they are actually kind of scary. Most likely to force you to have a beer with them.
Nobody really wants to play them.
To me, that describes Dallas more than it describes Columbus.
The Maple Leafs are Sawn Michaels. They have an over inflated sense of self importance. Beloved by their fans, hated by the rest of the league. A great team in their day, an awful wreck ever since. Still over as all hell even though they have not been contenders in years.
The Maple Leafs are Sawn Michaels. They have an over inflated sense of self importance. Beloved by their fans, hated by the rest of the league. A great team in their day, an awful wreck ever since. Still over as all hell even though they have not been contenders in years.
This seems to me to be a better description of Montreal than Toronto. And it would make sense if Shawn Michaels represented Montreal, given that if memory serves, he is Montreal's daddy.
__________________ "The great promise of the Internet was that more information would automatically yield better decisions. The great disappointment is that more information actually yields more possibilities to confirm what you already believed anyway." - Brian Eno
This seems to me to be a better description of Montreal than Toronto. And it would make sense if Shawn Michaels represented Montreal, given that if memory serves, he is Montreal's daddy.
Down Goes Brown
