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Old 07-17-2018, 06:29 PM   #21
Amethyst
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I would do one of these three things for finances.

1) Separate accounts and each person is responsible for certain bills. My parents have always done it this way and they are celebrating 50 years this summer, so it worked for them. (A lot of people seem to be horrified when this is suggested though.)

2) Joint account that both pay cheques go into, which covers household and family things. Each person withdraws an agreed upon amount each month that they can spend as they wish (personal wishes or even gifts for the spouse that they want to keep a surprise).

3) Separate accounts that your cheques go into but a joint account that you each contribute an agreed to amount to cover household bills.

If people make vastly different amounts, I would contribute on a percentage basis. For example, the person who makes double, contributes double to the mortgage. Otherwise, one partner will always have a lot more "fun money" than the other, which I think could negatively affect the relationship.

I had friends who did the combine everything route and were always overdrawn because they would each spend / withdraw money without telling the other (both spouses were not great at keeping track of things).

If you're going in with very different assets, I would talk to a lawyer about a pre-nup. The lawyer should be able to recommend things for the future as well. For example, right now maybe you both leave with what you brought it, but if there are children in the future, things might change. I know someone with a very out of date agreement whose partner recently passed in a tragic accident and things are a mess!

Asking for permission - I think that depends on the beliefs of the people involved. I know some people who just think that's the way it's done. I've always wondered, if you are asking for permission, what if the father says no?
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Old 07-17-2018, 06:40 PM   #22
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We keep our finances separate, and have since the start.

After we moved in together, we looked at both our incomes, looked at the combined 'outgo' and split it based on income. We revisit this once a year or so, to make sure that we keep on top of things. On occasion, due to circumstances, its had one or the other of us asking for a bit of help "this month".

In practice, this has boiled down to me completely covering the mortgage payment, while she covers the other bills and food for the month.

We each have our own "whatever I want" money that the other doesn't keep track of, as long as the 'family financial obligations' are met.
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Old 07-17-2018, 06:54 PM   #23
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My only advice would be to develop good financial communication early on, or at least a shared understanding and willingness to compromise. If you're both working with no kids, you can fudge your way through it by splitting everything and keeping everything separate. But what if someone loses a job? Or you have kids and the wife stops working? Things can and will change as the years start streaming by...
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Old 07-17-2018, 06:54 PM   #24
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We have completely joint account. All the money goes in one pot and we pay out of there. Any major expense we talk about together (even if it’s just a solo thing like getting a game console for me or her getting her hair styled). My wife has little interest in career and I bring in 3-3.5X her income, but, she takes care of the kids 80% of the time so I consider it even haha.

We got married young and basically had no debts or assets at the time, so that part was not complicated.
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Old 07-17-2018, 07:10 PM   #25
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Aside from the pure joint route, which I highly recommend, the other advice I have is that if you keep separate accounts and have one person in charge of some bills, and the other for others, make sure you have a will/POA in particular. If someone dies and they “usually pay that bill” it doesn’t give you reason to access things. The banks care not for that type of arrangement, and they have no choice but to freeze the account if someone dies.

Truthfully, you should have this in place regardless of the kind of arrangements you have for your finances, but that’s an added issue to consider.

Personally we’re in the 100% all money goes into one account and we take care of things from there. There have been times where one of us has made more than the other, and of course sometimes one of us is spending on things that the other isn’t. Oh well. It’s never been an issue, though I suppose if you’re an envious person it could be.
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Old 07-17-2018, 07:25 PM   #26
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Im blown away some people are maintaining separate accounts and tracking expenses individually even when married. What are you, roommates?

For tracking "fun money", maybe, but for day to day stuff, that sounds insane and also like a recipe for divorce.

"Hey Honey, I saw you didn't contribute your 33% to the savings this month. Also it is your turn to pay the cable bill"
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Old 07-17-2018, 07:44 PM   #27
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I find it interesting that the people who pool everything can't understand that others may prefer a different method. You don't do it the way I do? You must be envious or headed for divorce.

In my family I know of two couples and what they did. One had separate accounts; still happily married 50 years later. The other pool everything; divorced.

I think the problems come when the couple has different ideas about how things should be handled and can't come up with a workable compromise.
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Old 07-17-2018, 07:44 PM   #28
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My wife and I both get paid into our personal accounts and then disperse money into our joint account, kids account, emergency account and travel account etc.

I personally believe that each person has the right to their own fun money so for me that includes golfing while my wife often enjoys going for massages or pedicures.

Any major financial decisions would be made together.

We have been doing this since before we got married and it works great. With that said, the last thing I’d worry about is money if we ever got separated for whatever reason. My only concern would be the well being of our children.
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Old 07-17-2018, 07:49 PM   #29
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Consider me mystified as to why personal accounts even exist after marriage. We’re partners. If I had any doubts, I wouldn’t have married her.
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Old 07-17-2018, 07:59 PM   #30
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We have one bank account and one credit card account. Both our paychecks are deposited into the one account and I pay all the bills for our family from that account.

The way I see it, we're a partnership and I don't own anything on my own. It would be a hassle to try to separate money because everything we buy is shared.

For your third question, I didn't ask for permission to marry my wife because I don't care what her dad thinks.

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Old 07-17-2018, 07:59 PM   #31
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In my opinion, a healthy marriage would view all $150K in earnings as both of yours, all expenses are both of yours, and any housing equity as both of yours. There is no “mine” and “yours”.

Perhaps consider a “his”, “hers”, and “joint” account. All revenue and expenses into and out of the joint, then equal amounts from the joint to each individual account each month for discretionary fun money and gifts.

And yes, ask her father for permission. (Edit: I actually think the more correct thing would be to ask both her parents)

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Old 07-17-2018, 08:05 PM   #32
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As I get closer to perhaps taking that plunge into marriage, I did have a few questions I was hoping to get some input on from people may have come across similar situations.

1. Bank Accounts/Finances - Do you tend to keep separate accounts and have a joint account which you each contribute for bills/groceries/daily living necessitates etc? Or do you merge your accounts into one? Also...

- Let's say I make 100K and she makes 50K would you still split the day to day expenses evenly or would whoever makes more be expected to contribute more to the household?

2. Housing - I own my own condo, it's paid off, no debt. My name is on the title. Would I be expected to put her on the title to make it "joint" at some point in time? This is honestly something that concerns me the most and something I am not comfortable with, heaven forbid something happens and we split up and she owns half of my biggest asset.

3. Off topic question but what the hell - Did you ask your spouses father for permission to marry or did you just say to hell with that tradition?

Thanks all for your input in advance.
1) I have a spreadsheet with all our joint expenses, groceries, mortgage, insurance, utilities, etc. These expenses get paid out of a joint account that both of us contribute to proportionally to our salary. Things like eating out, going to the pub, and vacations are not core expenses. We each have our own investments, but the taxes are done together and the return goes into the joint account. This works well for us, but since we started having kids more and more of my cheque goes into the core expenses and very little is left over for me.

2) When we were dating and she first moved into my house, I charged her rent and kicked out my other roommate. My friends made fun of me for charging her rent, but heck she had a good job and she paid the same rent as she did at her other place even though mine was way better. Just before we got married the mortgage was up and we refinanced for wedding & renovation money in both our names. The mortgage advisor made some comment to me that the house would be considered the matrimonial residence, i.e. I'm screwed either way. That is probably going to be the same with you. She'll own half your house if you put her on the title or not, it just makes it easier if you die if she's on the title.

Fortunately, my wife is super frugal and money has never been an issue for us. I hear horror stories about guys who's wives max out their credit card to get into some MLM scheme.

3) I did ask, but after I proposed. Her Dad said it wasn't necessary, but yes he gave his blessing. Her parents are super cool. Her mom told me once that she tells everyone that my wife didn't just get a diamond when she married me, but the whole mine. I have a buddy who's parents made him ask, but he didn't do it until minutes before the ceremony was about to start. The dad's response, "Well I can't say no now." I tried, but could not help myself from laughing. And yes, they are now separated.
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Old 07-17-2018, 08:08 PM   #33
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Im blown away some people are maintaining separate accounts and tracking expenses individually even when married. What are you, roommates?

For tracking "fun money", maybe, but for day to day stuff, that sounds insane and also like a recipe for divorce.

"Hey Honey, I saw you didn't contribute your 33% to the savings this month. Also it is your turn to pay the cable bill"
Why is this so hard to comprehend?

In situations where both spouses work decent jobs (and that is key) - it's great:

1) You figure out what your "joint" expenses / savings goals are (mortgage, insurance, cars, RRSP) and each put aside enough every month to cover these.

2) Anything above that - each spouse can spend what they damn well please. Want a new Bike? Go buy it, your worked for your money. Want expensive designer clothes? Go for it.

No need to "ask" and jointly agree - isn't that paradise? (and a big source of arguments in marriages?)

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Old 07-17-2018, 08:13 PM   #34
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Maybe the decision to combine or not has something to do with your age and/or financial situation? My wife and I got together in our low 20's while we were both fresh out of university and completely broke. Putting everything into one pot just seemed natural and still works to this day. I make pretty good money and we decided that my wife would stay home and take care of, well, everything. I've never felt as though I was contributing more or less, and if I did, we would talk about it. I also never ask permission to spend money on smaller stuff (sub-$500) and don't expect my wife to either. That said, I feel like I'm somewhat unique because the wife and I love to do stuff together and usually spend big bucks on things the both of us can enjoy.

IMO, for a marriage to truly work long term you need to be a team 100%. Finances are no joke, but life throws so much other crap at you that it's nice to have someone you know has your back. I suppose that a couple can still have that strength in their relationship without sharing a bank account. It just seems odd to me.

PS - As you can tell from this thread, there are a million different opinions on how to run a marriage. The key, IMO, is to actually talk about this stuff. Like, honestly and openly. And don't be afraid to compromise once in a while. The absolute killer of marriages is silence and pretending tough issues will magically work themselves out. They won't.

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Old 07-17-2018, 08:17 PM   #35
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When my wife and I moved in together we kept separate accounts and split everything 50/50. That all changed when my daughter was born however as I could not expect my wife to pay for half of everything when on maternity leave or back to work part time. We started a joint account, combined out debts, and make big financial decisions collaboratively. There are some issues mainly around me thinking she spends too much on clothes and her thinking I spend too much on craft beer and video games but overall with are able to sort things out with only minor drama.
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Old 07-17-2018, 08:28 PM   #36
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Me and the misses have separate accounts. We have for over 10 years.

We have raised 2 children, pay the mortgage and bills and so on. It’s pretty easy to do the math and cut the obligations fairly. Can count on one hand how many fights we have had regarding money. It works for us.

A lot of my friends don’t believe we actually do this. Usually this conversation starts with them complaining about their spouses latest purchase. Funny how that works.
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Old 07-17-2018, 08:35 PM   #37
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I personally believe that each person has the right to their own fun money so for me that includes golfing while my wife often enjoys going for massages or pedicures.
I understand the argument and somewhat understand it, but if you have pooled accounts you can still budget money for entertainment and fun things. Heck, having personal accounts almost encourages the practice.

Shouldn't be a me vs. you thing, if the family unit has the money for the pedicure or golf then go for it. You can budget fun spending without stashing it away in a personal account.

Separate account approach (ie each have their own money) just seems like setting yourselves up to ensure you have a quick divorce and less arguing about money when that happens.
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Old 07-17-2018, 08:42 PM   #38
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Absolutely separate accounts and divide expenses proportionate to income. We save, spend and invest individually and together. We had no prenup, but did a proper accounting of assets prior to marrying and agreed on how we would handle assets brought in and joint assets built after marriage. There is significant disparity between our incomes.

Neither of us would do it any other way, based mostly on the disaster that was joint accounts/pooled resources in both our first marriages.

It's 7 years married and 10+ together without ever fighting about money, simply by treating our finances as if we were business partners.

Last edited by EldrickOnIce; 07-17-2018 at 08:58 PM. Reason: Added proportionate to income
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Old 07-17-2018, 08:53 PM   #39
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To the separate accounts and divide expense 50/50 folks, does that mean the one who makes the most gets to discretionarily spend the most?!?
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Old 07-17-2018, 09:37 PM   #40
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To the separate accounts and divide expense 50/50 folks, does that mean the one who makes the most gets to discretionarily spend the most?!?
Most have said a proportional contribution to the family pot to limit this. However, you can just as easily have both partners keep the same discretionary amount of money

I just find it it’s a true shared pot , you end up with eye rolling and annoyance with the other sides purchases. New Xbox , ugh did you need that! $300 shoes? Reallly !!!

If each side retains some financial independence , in my opinion and experience there are less arguments and fights ( and guilt in some cases on what you buy )
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