Let's talk about managing finances when you get married

[stang]

Originally Posted by dobbles

Say you use your account to buy a big screen TV. Is it "your" TV? Do you get to decide whats watched on it at all times because it is yours? That to me seems much more ridiculous than "lets pool our money together so its simpler to manage."

Of course not, that's just ridiculous. Since you have a joint account do you just go buy a TV on a whim since its going to be for everyone?

[Buff]

1. Joint accounts. Easier to work as a team.
2. Bought our first house together and took possession a week before the wedding. Advice on this for others doing the same. Try to take possession much sooner than the wedding date. Too busy to take possession, move and get final touches ready for wedding.
3. Didn't ask. I thought it was a lame tradition that didn't make sense to me. She belongs to herself, she can make her own decisions.

[Weitz]

Originally Posted by edslunch

I’ve done it both ways. I hated having a joint account early on when money was tight. You never knew if you were both spending the last $. We didn’t want to get into budgeting to that level. The better approach for us was to have separate accounts, divide up the regular payments between us, and deal with variable expenses like groceries depending who was doing the shopping or who had more cash that month.

20 years on we know our spending habits and do 90% of our spending and bill payments with Visa to get points and pay it off every month. I do NOT recommend that as an approach when you’re getting started.


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I don't understand why you wouldn't do this all the time. Unless you really can't control your spending. Leaving money on the table...

[edslunch]

Originally Posted by CliffFletcher

Up until quite recently, that was the norm for most everyone. And still is with most immigrant families, I'd imagine. One member of a couple brings in the money, the other allocates spending. Was that fair to the person earning all the money? Most seem(ed) okay with it.



I have read articles that show married women are more likely to regard their income as their own than men are. So maybe these changing norms are a consequence of more women out-earning their husbands than in the past.



I do wonder what separate finances couples do once they have kids and one parent wants to leave the workforce for several years. Maybe couples with separate finances tend to be couples where both are strongly career-oriented so nobody plans on taking a serious income cut once kids enter the picture.

We keep separate accounts because we like to manage our own money but major decisions are made together and the balance of who pays for what is very fluid depending on work situation, bonuses, etc. When my wife stopped working I picked up all the common expenses but we set up a monthly payment to her out of money she had socked away before quitting so she could retain her independence. When she started working again we rebalanced.


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[MoneyGuy]

Originally Posted by Amethyst

One account seems like more trouble to me. With the splitting formula, you work it out and then there it is. I don't have to worry that the day I happen to see a nice dress I want to get is the day my husband decides he wants to get something else and we end up overdrawn.

Of course you discuss things like vacations and big purchases ahead of time and work it out. Separate accounts is just a way to avoid micro-managing every small expenditure.

And if one spouse is a jerk he/she could still withdraw all the money out of a joint account to splurge on him/herself.

How in the world is that any trouble. It’s the easiest in the world. Everything goes into one account and both can do wire transfers and write cheques. What am I missing? Nothing, as we’ve done this for 39 years.

I suppose it could be a problem if either or both abuse money but then you have bigger problems.

[Jason14h]

How many of the people with shared accounts have a hidden personal stash of cash somewhere ? I call this the gambling , drinking , hidden presents , etc fund

I know at least 50% of my buddies have a hidden stash of some sort! And not for anything scandalas. As an example for betting of the British Open this weekend!

Things their wife may not be pumped about them spending the shared funds on !

[FireFly]

My husband and I have a joint account and we've had to have some serious discussions about spending but I think we're in a good place now.



The problems arose when it was discovered that we each have a different system of "financial math". For example, if something was $9.50, I would say it was $10, he would say it was $9. Not so big a deal on small things but the problem grew as the dollar value grew. It came to a head when he hit a deer and decided he needed a new bumper for his truck that he told me was on sale for $1100. I didn't apply "husband math" to the equation. The bumper was actually closer to $1400 with taxes and had to be picked up in Edmonton. So his $1100 bumper cost us over $1500.



The key thing is honesty. We no longer have that issue because when he wants to spend money, now he qualifies "Wife math" or "Husband math" and corrects himself. As I'm the one who actually pays the bills, I need to know what sort of math he's using. I would much rather you exaggerate your expenses and wind up in the black at the end of the month than underestimate your expenses and have to dip into savings to cover it.

[stang]

Originally Posted by dobbles

Say you use your account to buy a big screen TV. Is it "your" TV? Do you get to decide whats watched on it at all times because it is yours? That to me seems much more ridiculous than "lets pool our money together so its simpler to manage."

I take my family out for supper, I pay the bill. I don't eat all their food.

[FireFly]

Oh, and ask the parents but only if they are important people in her life. My father was ill and passed away a year and a half after our wedding. I know that my husband is glad that he asked as they had a great conversation during that time and he got to know my father fairly well. He promised my dad he would take care of me and it greatly eased my father's mind as I was his little girl. Whatever they talked about made a big impression on both of them as my husband still tells me every once in a while that he can hear my dad telling him to do things.

[GP_Matt]

Originally Posted by Weitz

Does anyone actually do this? Even with split finances?

I knew a couple with split finances that would take actual vacations alone because the other spouse couldn't afford it. And not a boys weekend but two weeks in Europe.
It seemed insane to me but they were happy.

I am in the combine everything camp but we are also in a pretty comfortable position so there is enough money in the account to spend on ourselves guilt free. We discuss larger purchases and generally live enough below our means that there are no issues.

If you are on a budget then I really like the idea of a joint account and a separate account for your individual frivolous spending. Especially if one or both feel controlled or you have fights over lunches and beer money.

[Travis Munroe]

Each have your own bank account for deposits and day to day spending. Have a joint account for common bills and month to month type spending (more thought out larger purchases)

Contribute to bills based on income. It is not fair for 1 person of lower income to be strapped for cash every month and feel a lower sense of worth as you need to pay for everything every time you go out. I would rather pay more each month towards bills and have my partner treat me to some dinners or what not which brings us both joy than save a few bucks on bills but balance it out by paying for everything when we go out.

Seek legal guidance for confirmation but as long as you turn the condo into a rental before you are married and don't live at the property, leaving it in only your name, you can sell at any point without your partners permission or knowledge. If you are concerned about this being your largest asset, speak with a lawyer and perhaps letting it run itself on the back burner is your fall back nest if ever needed.

I did ask my father in law over a lunch downtown. I think it comes down to the relationship you have with the father in law and whether or not you care about his thoughts. I have friends who have met their wives dads a handful of times and skipped the whole asking process while others see them on the regular and want to ensure the respect remains.

Does anyone know if there is such thing as a much more simple prenup? Something that essentially wipes out any obligation of spousal support but everything else would remain in the courts hands if not agreed on privately? I have spoken with a number of people who feel this is the fairest option which includes couples on different income levels but have never heard of anything other than spending a good chunk of money on a full out prenup.

[Slava]

I'm just wondering: for those of you who keep everything separate how that would work easily for a situation where she's on maternity leave or either one is on parental leave?

[SportsJunky]

I've been married twice and I asked the parents both times. Seems like the right thing to do.

[stang]

Originally Posted by Slava

I'm just wondering: for those of you who keep everything separate how that would work easily for a situation where she's on maternity leave or either one is on parental leave?

Other one picks up the slack? I don't think just because you have separate accounts means you are a jerk and just leave the other one hanging.

"Nope the cars going to default because you had my baby. I am not paying it"

[Weitz]

Originally Posted by Slava

I'm just wondering: for those of you who keep everything separate how that would work easily for a situation where she's on maternity leave or either one is on parental leave?

Originally Posted by stang

Other one picks up the slack? I don't think just because you have separate accounts means you are a jerk and just leave the other one hanging.

"Nope the cars going to default because you had my baby. I am not paying it"

I mean its pretty simple. Stang is right. You pick up the slack as her income drops. This isn't rocket science. The same way my wife has picked up the slack as she has blown past my salary!

[WhiteTiger]

Well, I hope that the one thing folks get out of this is that communication is so key in a relationship. No matter how you do it in the end, be sure your partner is aware and onboard. Keep revisting it, since situations change as time goes on. Don't be afraid to revisit the entire system if it's not working, or to check and see if it could be working better.

TALK to your SO. So many of the problems I see come from people not talking, assuming their spouse knew or felt the same or could basically 'read their mind'.

[puckedoff]

Originally Posted by Slava

I'm just wondering: for those of you who keep everything separate how that would work easily for a situation where she's on maternity leave or either one is on parental leave?

In that situation currently. We planned ahead since the baby's birth was not a surprise, so she has cash at hand to draw down on if/when she needs to. I have been paying for more of the random expenses lately so that 'her' money will last longer, but I don't think its an issue.

She certainly hasn't been spending any less, so she must not be worried that I'll ditch and let her go vagabond. Haha.

[Slava]

Originally Posted by stang

Other one picks up the slack? I don't think just because you have separate accounts means you are a jerk and just leave the other one hanging.

"Nope the cars going to default because you had my baby. I am not paying it"

Yeah and I guess that's obvious, but then why not just put the accounts together?

[Locke]

Originally Posted by Slava

Yeah and I guess that's obvious, but then why not just put the accounts together?

I think you're ignoring the sheer joy incurred by paying Bank Fees. Its a real thrill.

[EldrickOnIce]

Originally Posted by Jason14h

How many of the people with shared accounts have a hidden personal stash of cash somewhere ? I call this the gambling , drinking , hidden presents , etc fund

I know at least 50% of my buddies have a hidden stash of some sort! And not for anything scandalas. As an example for betting of the British Open this weekend!

Things their wife may not be pumped about them spending the shared funds on !

Haha so true, and probably not too far off percentage wise. And it's not exclusive to gender.
Be handy if there was some way to have a little autonomy on a tiny bit of frivolous spending.