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Old 01-06-2019, 06:52 PM   #21
RichKlit
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I want to thank everyone I wasn’t expecting this much support.
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Old 01-06-2019, 07:00 PM   #22
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Do either of your employers offer an employee and family assistance plan? If so, you could likely access some counselling via that
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Old 01-06-2019, 07:01 PM   #23
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I want to thank everyone I wasn’t expecting this much support.
Many, many people can relate to what you’re going through. Probably a good thing to try and keep in mind because I know it doesn’t feel like it right now.
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Old 01-06-2019, 07:11 PM   #24
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Do either of your employers offer an employee and family assistance plan? If so, you could likely access some counselling via that
Yes we do and I’m looking into it. Thank you I appreciate all the great advice.
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Old 01-06-2019, 07:11 PM   #25
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I want to thank everyone I wasn’t expecting this much support.
Lot's of good advice in this thread. I've been on CP for a long time and it's always heart warming to see the amount of support offered to anyone who needs it. I've been through a marriage breakdown and it's tough. We did counseling and in the end it didn't save the marriage but it did help me move on and now I have the family that I always wanted. It may not seem like it right now but your life will possibly become better than it ever has been. Be open to that possibility no matter where counseling leads you.
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Old 01-06-2019, 08:30 PM   #26
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Take care of yourself and get yourself some good cardio exercise daily while you're dealing with this. Nothing is better as a simple way of changing your brain chemistry to make you happier while also making you healthier and more confident. When needed, I treat cycling just like medicine and the effects are just as potent as taking pills but with only positive side effects.
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Old 01-06-2019, 09:07 PM   #27
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I left my ex husband over three years ago after giving it everything I possibly could to make things right. I wanted the relationship to work, but what I learned was although he promised he would change, he just simply couldn't. It wasn't in his DNA.

I was a wreck for a couple of years, but now I am in a very healthy relationship full of respect, love, intimacy, trust and I find it's something that I never thought could even exist.

If someone had told me that when I was going through the divorce, I would have been angry and bitter. However my point is, sometimes breakups are what's best and there is always a silver lining- even if you can only see the dark cloud.

Hugs to you, keep strong, and always know your worth.
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Old 01-06-2019, 09:59 PM   #28
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Lots of good advice already. I would just like to add that friends are great for support as well. When I was going through my divorce, I found hanging out with my friends really helped. Even though I didn't want to burden them with my troubles (although talking about it would have helped me even more), I found going for a meal or a workout or a rock show or a movie together helped. Much better than sitting at home alone licking one's wounds.
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Old 01-06-2019, 11:26 PM   #29
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Did this with the now ex who I was with for 11 years. It helped got a lot off our chests about things we were holding in, it definitely helped. In the end we ended up splitting up, but at least it helped with the closure of discovering we were better off separating. Perhaps it could give you a sense of closure as well, to realize this is better for both of you...or it could save it as well.

I second those who also said you should seek your own, separate counselling as well. Sorry to hear man, keep your head up! I know it doesn't seem like it at all right now, but trust me, it will pass. And you will grow from it.
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Old 01-07-2019, 12:19 AM   #30
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Counselling has helped me through a few tough seasons in my life and that is my hope for you. Counselling has helped me clarify my thoughts and feelings and helped me through the pain and confusion. I want to reiterate that you're not alone. Just take things one day, one hour or even one minute at a time. You are in my prayers tonight.
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Old 01-07-2019, 12:12 PM   #31
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This board is amazing for many things and this is no different. I've been in a similar stance to where you are RK and counselling did not do it for us. I dropped 30lbs and was as unhealthy as I could be. Everyone on here has said it best, you have to get yourself straight about all else.

I'm a huge supporter of counselling and have been going to a therapist for over 12 years. They are worth their price for your mental health in my eyes. #1 is you and that's what they preach. Health above all else.
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Old 01-07-2019, 04:02 PM   #32
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This might be an unpopular opinion, but going to couples counselling was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

I broke up with my partner of about 9 years about 2 years ago now. We started having major problems, basically as soon as we moved in together. We decided to go to couples counselling after being on the verge of breaking up. The first thing the counselor said was that she never advises people to break up unless there is active cheating going on. She gave us a bunch of coping strategies and urged us to work through our problems.

At that point I was in my late 20s, and she was in her mid-20s. When we broke up I was 36 and she was 33. We stayed together because we wanted to make things work. We both had a dream of a family with multiple kids. We went through cycles of various length of vicious fights, silent treatment, and honeymooning, without actually resolving any issues.

My biggest fear about the whole thing is that, due to a biological clock, my former partner may never get the chance to have children. Although I'm very glad we didn't bring children into an unhappy home, I'm constantly haunted by the fact I may have ruined my former partner's life by staying in a relationship in order to give us both what we thought we wanted. It became one of those things, where the longer we were together, the more obligated we felt to work it out.

We should have just accepted that it was okay to break up. At the end of the day, the counselor couldn't see what our relationship was like on a day to day basis, and all of her strategies just helped to mask bigger fundamental problems.

We obviously made our own decisions, but my point is that no amount of counseling can fix certain problems.
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Old 01-07-2019, 04:26 PM   #33
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This might be an unpopular opinion, but going to couples counselling was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

I broke up with my partner of about 9 years about 2 years ago now. We started having major problems, basically as soon as we moved in together. We decided to go to couples counselling after being on the verge of breaking up. The first thing the counselor said was that she never advises people to break up unless there is active cheating going on. She gave us a bunch of coping strategies and urged us to work through our problems.
I mean, the cynic in me says: of course the couples counselor wants you to stay together no matter what. No couple, no client.
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Old 01-07-2019, 04:27 PM   #34
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I mean, the cynic in me says: of course the couples counselor wants you to stay together no matter what. No couple, no client.
I don't think marriage counselors or divorce lawyers ever run out of clients. Recession proof.
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Old 01-07-2019, 04:33 PM   #35
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I mean, the cynic in me says: of course the couples counselor wants you to stay together no matter what. No couple, no client.
We weren't even all that long term of a client. Regardless of financial incentive, marriage counselors are generally of the view they want to make your marriage work. Realistically some things just aren't meant to work. People change. People get older. 25 year olds having fun at university parties aren't the same people as 35 year olds stressed out by real world problems.

Helping two people, that happen to be together, stay together, isn't always the right answer. Marriage counselling is fundamentally biased.
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Old 01-07-2019, 04:40 PM   #36
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In fairness, are you going to get marriage counseling to breakup?

Do you expect a divorce attorney to try and make a marriage work?

Do you expect a surgeon to sell you coconut oil, or perform surgery?

It's literally the marriage counselors job to try and help fix the relationship.
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Old 01-07-2019, 04:43 PM   #37
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I would agree. If the OP is looking at counseling as a lever to try and save the marriage, it rarely works.
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Old 01-07-2019, 04:43 PM   #38
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Do a bit of research on where you go, too. Wife and I tried it, but went through a church we were slightly active in.

Needless to say it was more biblical than I was comfortable with, as I was the least likely to attend church in my family, but went to make sure we did it as a unit.

While it got us talking, it was uncomfortable to be in that room, with someone asking more church-like questions that I never held myself to that standard. I'm not arguing if you should or not, it just wasn't me, and I didn't think it was for her either... we had been going to church for maybe a month or two, and we had been married for 10 years.

We are still together, and we still fight to keep the marriage alive. We have found minor success without counseling, but I wouldn't hesitate to try it again if it was less biblical.
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Old 01-07-2019, 04:57 PM   #39
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This might be an unpopular opinion, but going to couples counselling was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

I broke up with my partner of about 9 years about 2 years ago now. We started having major problems, basically as soon as we moved in together. We decided to go to couples counselling after being on the verge of breaking up. The first thing the counselor said was that she never advises people to break up unless there is active cheating going on. She gave us a bunch of coping strategies and urged us to work through our problems.

At that point I was in my late 20s, and she was in her mid-20s. When we broke up I was 36 and she was 33. We stayed together because we wanted to make things work. We both had a dream of a family with multiple kids. We went through cycles of various length of vicious fights, silent treatment, and honeymooning, without actually resolving any issues.



My biggest fear about the whole thing is that, due to a biological clock, my former partner may never get the chance to have children. Although I'm very glad we didn't bring children into an unhappy home, I'm constantly haunted by the fact I may have ruined my former partner's life by staying in a relationship in order to give us both what we thought we wanted. It became one of those things, where the longer we were together, the more obligated we felt to work it out.

We should have just accepted that it was okay to break up. At the end of the day, the counselor couldn't see what our relationship was like on a day to day basis, and all of her strategies just helped to mask bigger fundamental problems.

We obviously made our own decisions, but my point is that no amount of counseling can fix certain problems.
This!!!! If it’s doomed, cut your losses now.... your relationship will never ever be the same. You may stay together a few years longer, but in the end, all it will mean is more alimony that you’ll have to pay....
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Old 01-07-2019, 06:27 PM   #40
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To echo what others have said, there are many options available to you though wellness programs, 211, etc. Try and take advantage of them, thats why they are there, for times like this.

This board, even though we come across as internet keyboard warriors sometimes, always takes care of their own - I know this first hand. While you may say you dont have many people to turn to, but you can always come here and post, or PM someone. We don't bite much, and many of us have used these avenues to help themselves. Even if it is just to rant. Or get a second opinion. Or because we used a good therapist in the past. Or to make new friends. Or whatever.

I like to think we are all a little messed up from time to time, and it is the collective that brings us back. Because we've all been there. Adulting is actually hard!

Thanks for sharing your situation, and I hope you're able to bounce back alright. You are stronger and more resiliant than you think.
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