This may not be a very popular opinion or one that a lot of people might not want to entertain either in 2019, but see if deleting any or all social media may help? I am a millennial myself and I don't have any social media accounts but I am finding these days we are literally overloading our bodies and our brains.
For the vast majority of people its a daily barrage of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snaphat and more. Throw in a lot fighting, arguing, the constant negative information and destructive behavior that is going on, it's no wonder people are overwhelmed.
Plenty of mental health experts agree and enough former executives from social media companies have also mentioned the destruction and the negative effects.
I saw a CBC piece on youth mental health and a crisis that is going on at the University of Toronto. It seems like chaos of mega proportions over there and the students are freaking out about getting help, assistance, treatment etc meanwhile healthcare workers seem to be overloaded and don't know what to do. It was painful to watch and I really felt for a lot of the students but it got me thinking, why was this happening? Is this normal that huge swaths of youth are struggling? Do these problems happen in the same frequency in other countries? What are we doing wrong here? What are we doing right?
I am not suggesting anybody's mental health will be fixed overnight with deleting Facebook or that people shouldn't take meds or seek health advice. I think we need to do a better job as a society of figuring out what is going on here with everyone. Far too many people are really really suffering with depression, anxiety, mental health problems and other issues and I don't think we can write this off as business as usual.
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My only advice is to be there for her so that she is at least happy when around you. Is there anything you can do to reduce her stress for the time being? Can you help her with any of her studies. Can you help her schedule things such as appointments? Can you pick drive her or pick her up from school? Can you buy her little gifts or take her out to cheer her up? Exercise was mentioned, can you take walks with her? Do either of your have a dog to walk?
Any little thing to reduce the weight off her shoulders.
I've been there.
My interaction was
Doctor: How are you feeling today?
Me: If I felt any better I'd kill myself.
At least he found it funny.
That’s not really funny though as it’s a real affect. In severe depression cases as people get treatment they commit suicide as because before they were to depressed to do it.
My advice is listen and show care and compassion but don’t try to fix. You can’t fix her brain. It’s a helpless situation. Also take care of yourself. You sound like you are going to put a lot of energy into making this work and you may be unable to get the support you need from your girlfriend. So ensure you have a support system set up that you can get help when you need it whether that’s trustworthy friends, a therapist for yourself or the internet.
Living with someone with depression is challenging.
This may not be a very popular opinion or one that a lot of people might not want to entertain either in 2019, but see if deleting any or all social media may help? I am a millennial myself and I don't have any social media accounts but I am finding these days we are literally overloading our bodies and our brains.
For the vast majority of people its a daily barrage of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snaphat and more. Throw in a lot fighting, arguing, the constant negative information and destructive behavior that is going on, it's no wonder people are overwhelmed.
Plenty of mental health experts agree and enough former executives from social media companies have also mentioned the destruction and the negative effects.
I saw a CBC piece on youth mental health and a crisis that is going on at the University of Toronto. It seems like chaos of mega proportions over there and the students are freaking out about getting help, assistance, treatment etc meanwhile healthcare workers seem to be overloaded and don't know what to do. It was painful to watch and I really felt for a lot of the students but it got me thinking, why was this happening? Is this normal that huge swaths of youth are struggling? Do these problems happen in the same frequency in other countries? What are we doing wrong here? What are we doing right?
I am not suggesting anybody's mental health will be fixed overnight with deleting Facebook or that people shouldn't take meds or seek health advice. I think we need to do a better job as a society of figuring out what is going on here with everyone. Far too many people are really really suffering with depression, anxiety, mental health problems and other issues and I don't think we can write this off as business as usual.
I do agree that the internet has become a very negative place and I worry about my kids growing up seeing nothing but unnecessary doom and gloom on a daily basis on social media feeds. Taking a break from social media is probably a good idea for anyone that's feeling depressed.
I suffer from chronic depression. It runs in my family. My first symptoms became really apparent around when I was your girlfriend's age, but looking back I think I can detect significant signs throughout my childhood and definitely some pretty serious ones that I always told myself were just normal experiences. That said, I have had two near-breakdowns as an adult that really put my condition into perspective and made me really look to address my symptoms on a daily basis. Chronic depression never goes away, it just ebbs and flows.
My family, even though depression and suicide were rampant on both sides, were never really supportive.
Depression is really a many-headed beast and treating it seems to be slightly different for everyone.
I found that creating my own supportive network of friends and relationships to be key. People who understand when you are spiralling.
Medication only worked for me during my real lows and I would caution everyone who seeks it as a kind of magic bullet.
Therapy works, but only until I found the right therapist.depression is fed by by key events in a person's life and the emotions surrounding those events are complex and must be openly and frankly dealt with. You have to do this, if only not to be so damn hard on yourself for being depressed.
There are triage type things you can do too: exercise (really intense, hard exercise) no social media, limiting alcohol are all good things.
For you, I think figuring out the difference between empathy and sympathy will go a long way. Empathy is the way to go.
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This is all great advice, she does have a dog so I'm going to start encouraging her to come for a walk, plus it would be a good way to spend time together.
Awesome. Whenever you are at her place, suggesting to walk her dog will go a long way. It will show her that you care about something she cares about and itll be a good escape from her studies.
You also mentioned financial troubles. It is serious? Could you help out in any way? Short of lending her money maybe cook for her or take her out to wing night or something.
In general just do stuff together and be her escape.
__________________
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As someone who has finally conquered about 25 years of depression and helped a couple of others back on their feet, I think I know quite a few things that might help. You might know this stuff too, but I think it's better to put it up here than just guess.
First of all, and this is the most important thing to understand:
Depression is NOT a sickness or a disease. It does NOT (generally speaking) cure by itself. Depression is mental pain, it's a symptom caused by something or a lot of things being wrong in a persons life. Chronic depression, just like chronic pain, does not go away simply by lying in bed, just talking about what hurts or medicating it away. To heal from significant depression, you need to change something for the better in your life. To get out of depression, you need to improve your life until living stops hurting.
The insidious thing of course is that it's really hard to change things for the better when you're depressed, and it's hard to know what's wrong and how to change it. You need to consider carefully what to do. Don't be afraid to change things, but try to avoid rushing into things.
Some of the things that need to change are probably inside her, and some are probably outside. Maybe she needs to take better care of herself (use less social media, drink less, eat better, sleep more) or get a job where she's better appreciated or one that has more humane hours, or cut ties to some toxic people in her life...
Second: do not turn your relationship into a caretaking relationship if you can avoid it. You're her boyfriend (well, I assume ), not her nurse or therapist. Trying to be the latter tends to just kill the relationship. Love her, help her, support her, be explicit about the fact that you want to do those things because she needs to hear it, but if all your time together becomes about her depression, it just kills the relationship and helps no-one. You probably need to do most of the work to keep the relationship going. Set up movie nights, try to keep a sex life going (few things release stress like an orgasm... but you know: no pushing!), set up things to do with mutual friends. Be the part of her life that's does not feel broken.
Third: get support for you two. Consider recruiting her friends and relatives explicitly, or encourage her to do so. Encourage her to be open about her depression to her friends. Her friends might not know she's depressed because she's not keeping in touch. Telling them that they need to be the ones keeping in contact is useful, and helps break the shame around depression. (Of course you need to consider who in her life are trustworthy and helpful people. Also, don't go doing stuff behind her back. It's only okay to do something for her if she's okay with you doing it.)
You will also need someone to talk to that's not her, because being in a relationship with a depressed person is hard, and you don't want to complain about that to her.
She'll also benefit from having more people to talk to than just you. Other people will get things you don't. You'll get things someone else doesn't. Having lots of people to talk to is good.
Those are the three biggest things, but I have lots of more practical advice:
- She needs to sleep to heal, there's no way around that. Insomnia just in itself can drive a person to severe mental health issues. A depressed person needs more sleep than a healthy person, probably at least an hour or two more than her normal.
- Try to stop her from bashing herself verbally. Watch out for self-deprecating humour, self-criticism and irrational negative talk. This is something a lot of depressed people do, most of them constantly without realizing it, and it's also something I've found to be the thing another person can help with the most. It's something you usually don't notice before you really start paying attention to it, so you'll probably have to double check. Look at your chat history for example; things to look out especially for are "good thing happened -> somehow it's an example of something that's wrong with her".
For example my girlfriend who's now coming out of her depression used to turn basically everything into a negative comment about herself. She could get a whole lot done in a day, but if one thing went wrong she made that into THE example of how she couldn't get anything done. If she got a good grade, she'd talk about how she turned in some of the work late. If she got a friendly comment from a customer, she'd say something like "goes to show if I smiled more often..." If I said "you look good", she'd say "well for once I have makeup on" etc. If she's doing this, you're probably the person most likely to notice it, and the best person to point it out to her, because people do not realize it themself. Everyone tends to do it, but depressed people often turn self-deprecating humor into something resembling constant verbal self-mutilation.
I also needed to be talked out of this habit (by a now ex-girlfriend), and it's one of the most significant things another person has been able to directly help me with. This is a lesson I want to pay forward. Self-deprecating humor is not always healthy.
Just for clarity, key things that helped me heal from depression:
- Finding the right medication (both for insomnia and for my bipolar disorder)
- Learning to stop to say bad things about myself all the time. (This also helped me think in more healthy ways. What we say is more often than not what we think.)
- Finding a better job
- Opening up to my friends about my problems and being really honest about it
- Learning to not lie to my girlfriend about what my bad days were like. (It's really hard to get over something if you're too ashamed to even say you spent the whole day watching youtube in bed.)
- Cutting ties to my parents, who are/were really toxic people
Obviously all my advice has everything to do with my personal experiences, which is one reason I included them, but also I wanted to show how that the list of things that need to change can be quite a lot.
Less key, but still helpful things:
- Eating more veggies. (Turns out, doctors are right, eating better will help you have more energy.)
- Not constantly wallowing in "entertainment" about misery. Less sad songs, more happy songs, less horrible movies, more entertaining movies. Less depressing artsy books about depressing artsy people, more fun and informative books.
Other random notes:
- Don't settle for medication that doesn't seem to help
- Don't settle for a therapist that doesn't seem to help
Patience is important, but so is being proactive when things are not improving. Like everything, it's a balancing act.
Good luck, hope some of this is helpful.
Last edited by Itse; 12-10-2019 at 09:58 AM.
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I think for a while I was depressed coming out of school. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the jobs that I got weren't anything to write home about. I finally got a gig where I got paid lots and I loved it and that really turned things around.
It's tough to stay happy when you see all your friends around you have good jobs, you're going more in debt because you don't have a job and you don't know what to do with yourself all day. But I had a really supportive girlfriend now wife that was very helpful. She never got on my case about anything and just supported me in finding my own way through. Going to parties were tough because people always ask if you've found a job or what you did all day. Also it's easy to let yourself go if you're not doing anything. Perhaps suggest she treat looking for work like a job, wake up early, go for a walk, make breakfast and then apply for jobs like it's work and rinse and repeat. Getting into healthy patterns by breaking unhealthy patterns is helpful to get 'out of the cycle.
But good on you for recognizing that and for supporting her through this
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This is great advice, I really appreciate it! She does definitely need to take better care of herself, she's in shape, but doesn't exercise enough (IMO) and she could definitely eat healthier and sleep better.
I'm trying to be positive around her, and encourage her to enjoy the little things. She has some friends that aren't necessarily the best influences in her life, they drink and party too much, complain a lot and just generally are irresponsible people. I don't think she should really be around them while dealing with this. Do you have any advice on how I should approach this? If I even should?
This is great advice, I really appreciate it! She does definitely need to take better care of herself, she's in shape, but doesn't exercise enough (IMO) and she could definitely eat healthier and sleep better.
I'm trying to be positive around her, and encourage her to enjoy the little things. She has some friends that aren't necessarily the best influences in her life, they drink and party too much, complain a lot and just generally are irresponsible people. I don't think she should really be around them while dealing with this. Do you have any advice on how I should approach this? If I even should?
She should join a Crossfit gym or something similar. It is a good community thing and getting jacked is always a good thing.
Dealing with friends is tough. Really tough. If you have an intimate relationship, it is something that you can bring up gently.
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This is great advice, I really appreciate it! She does definitely need to take better care of herself, she's in shape, but doesn't exercise enough (IMO) and she could definitely eat healthier and sleep better.
I'm trying to be positive around her, and encourage her to enjoy the little things. She has some friends that aren't necessarily the best influences in her life, they drink and party too much, complain a lot and just generally are irresponsible people. I don't think she should really be around them while dealing with this. Do you have any advice on how I should approach this? If I even should?
That's a tough one. On one hand, friends are important and going out occasionally is a good thing. On the other, well, there's the stuff you talked about.
List of thoughts that come to my mind:
- You might be right, but you might be wrong about them.
- You can't make calls about her friends, even if you're right.
- People who are really irresponsible about their own lives can turn out to be surprisingly good in supporting others in need. If you get a chance to tell one of them something like "my gf could really use some more positive thinking, she's way too hard on herself these days", if those friends are ANY good, it will have some effect.
- Maybe mention one thing to your gf that bothers you the most. In a friendly way. Don't make it "your friends are a problem", but saying something like "sheesh your friends complain a lot" or something like "getting blasted while depressed is not a great idea and you always get blasted with those people and that bugs me, you think you could ask them to take it easy with you?"
In any case I would say this is not likely to be the best battle to pick.
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That's a tough one. On one hand, friends are important and going out occasionally is a good thing. On the other, well, there's the stuff you talked about.
List of thoughts that come to my mind:
- You might be right, but you might be wrong about them.
- You can't make calls about her friends, even if you're right.
- People who are really irresponsible about their own lives can turn out to be surprisingly good in supporting others in need. If you get a chance to tell one of them something like "my gf could really use some more positive thinking, she's way too hard on herself these days", if those friends are ANY good, it will have some effect.
- Maybe mention one thing to your gf that bothers you the most. In a friendly way. Don't make it "your friends are a problem", but saying something like "sheesh your friends complain a lot" or something like "getting blasted while depressed is not a great idea and you always get blasted with those people and that bugs me, you think you could ask them to take it easy with you?"
In any case I would say this is not likely to be the best battle to pick.
You're probably right, I think I will focus on other things at the moment, and maybe in the future gently mention that they may not be the best influences.
I could very well be wrong about them too, that's a good point
I haven't dealt with depression directly, but have suffered through some pretty chronic medical issues. One of the best comments I ever had was 'one day you're going to be fine, and look back on things and think "what the heck was that?'"
Didn't give the comment much thought at the time but I keep circling back to it. A little positive spin on the future given to me by an outsider. It's a good outlook.. times can indeed change!
I have a similar story. The best thing about being sick is when you are better. She can learn to manage things. I had chronic back pain for over two years. It was every day and had significant negative impacts on my work and my ability to be a good father and husband. There were many doctor appointments, physio, massage therapy, and twice-daily home exercises. Eventually, I was able to work through it. It is amazing, last year I thought I was going to be crippled and in horrible pain for the rest of my life. Now I feel like I could lift a house with my back.
I do agree that the internet has become a very negative place and I worry about my kids growing up seeing nothing but unnecessary doom and gloom on a daily basis on social media feeds. Taking a break from social media is probably a good idea for anyone that's feeling depressed.
Doom and gloom is one thing, but a bigger problem for people these days (not only kids) are when people are viewing other people's posts with envy, driving feelings of inadequacies and low self worth. Not everyone gets these feelings but for people who may not be at a place they thought they'd be, seeing others' achievements and lives can lead to depression.
Maybe we need a new social media site that only allows posting how miserable everything is, and only allows food photos of Hamburger Helper. Then you could look and see that hey, my life is just as boring as everyone else!
Maybe we need a new social media site that only allows posting how miserable everything is, and only allows food photos of Hamburger Helper. Then you could look and see that hey, my life is just as boring as everyone else!
yeah, it's called North Korea.
__________________
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Maybe we need a new social media site that only allows posting how miserable everything is, and only allows food photos of Hamburger Helper. Then you could look and see that hey, my life is just as boring as everyone else!
It is difficult to understand the experience of depression if you haven't experienced it yourself. These helped my wife to understand my experience when I was suffering.
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"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
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Location: A simple man leading a complicated life....
Exp:
This could be why you're depressed or anxious
There is a very powerful message in this Ted Talk video
Quote:
But just like junk food has taken over our diets and made us physically sick, a kind of junk values have taken over our minds and made us mentally sick.
For thousands of years, philosophers have said, if you think life is about money, and status and showing off, you’re going to feel like crap. That’s not an exact quote from Schopenhauer, but that is the gist of what he said.
But weirdly, hardly anyone had scientifically investigated this, until a truly extraordinary person I got to know, named professor Tim Kasser, who’s at Knox College in Illinois, and he’s been researching this for about 30 years now. And his research suggests several really important things.
Firstly, the more you believe you can buy and display your way out of sadness, and into a good life, the more likely you are to become depressed and anxious.
And secondly, as a society, we have become much more driven by these beliefs. All throughout my lifetime, under the weight of advertising and Instagram and everything like them.
And as I thought about this, I realized it’s like we’ve all been fed since birth, a kind of KFC for the soul. We’ve been trained to look for happiness in all the wrong places, and just like junk food doesn’t meet your nutritional needs and actually makes you feel terrible, junk values don’t meet your psychological needs, and they take you away from a good life.
Quote:
I think that seems almost like a cliché. But I kept talking to professor Kasser and saying, “Why am I feeling this strange doubleness?”
And he said, “At some level, we all know these things. But in this culture, we don’t live by them.”
We know them so well they’ve become clichés, but we don’t live by them. I kept asking why, why would we know something so profound, but not live by it?
And after a while, professor Kasser said to me, “Because we live in a machine that is designed to get us to neglect what is important about life.”
I had to really think about that
), not her nurse or therapist. Trying to be the latter tends to just kill the relationship. Love her, help her, support her, be explicit about the fact that you want to do those things because she needs to hear it, but if all your time together becomes about her depression, it just kills the relationship and helps no-one. You probably need to do most of the work to keep the relationship going. Set up movie nights, try to keep a sex life going (few things release stress like an orgasm... but you know: no pushing!), set up things to do with mutual friends. Be the part of her life that's does not feel broken. 
