I think everyone's hit on the big stuff, but having just finished this process myself I'll recommend communication and being understanding with each other. I guarantee she has anxieties about the process (like you do) and getting them out into the open and dealing with them is such a simple way of not allowing them to become big things.
And referring to things/spaces as "ours" is such a simple way to make her feel at ease in the shared space.
Have you had a roommate before? Because it’s the roommate stuff that will likely be the source of friction.
In my experience with over a dozen roommates, people can broadly be categorized into tidy, average, and slob, and the likelihood of any two people being in the same category is not high. So you need to figure out how to address any differences around cleanliness and housework.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fotze
If this day gets you riled up, you obviously aren't numb to the disappointment yet to be a real fan.
Have you had a roommate before? Because it’s the roommate stuff that will likely be the source of friction.
In my experience with over a dozen roommates, people can broadly be categorized into tidy, average, and slob, and the likelihood of any two people being in the same category is not high. So you need to figure out how to address any differences around cleanliness and housework.
Don't forget klepto.
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If you don't pass this sig to ten of your friends, you will become an Oilers fan.
Once that’s out of the way, Get married and do it small - like immediate family + best friends max.
You’ll actually get to enjoy your wedding, and save a ton of money.
This latest Covid wave is a perfect time to do it too; you don’t have to justify your decision to any of your tertiary friends And family, you can just say “####in Covid eh” and you’re off the hook.
Oh, and don’t listen to the bitter old men who lament marriage because they chose poorly.
Good luck.
Oh, and clean every surface of your apartment.
100% true. We went this route and it made things so much easier/smoother. I was really nervous about a big wedding, I just don't like being the center of attention. Well I mean she would be far more than me but attention by association.
So we went with a small wedding with immediate family only. I had by best friend as bestman and she had hers for made of honour but past that, it was just parents.
It was awesome. I felt bad for her at first as it wasn't quite what she wanted but she has said many times it was perfect and she was 100% happy with it.
I think big weddings are just too much. Way too much time/money/pressure.
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He's in a condo in Vancouver, how many different rooms do you think the guy has?
Doesn't have to be a room. Can just be time away from each other. A couple hours at the gym. A round of golf. A walk alone woods. Just something regular away from each other so your time together takes on more meaning. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Always together and on top of each other (get your minds out of the gutter) is a sure way to tiring of your mate and letting the small things blow up into big things, which result in ugly ends to relationships.
Doesn't have to be a room. Can just be time away from each other. A couple hours at the gym. A round of golf. A walk alone woods. Just something regular away from each other so your time together takes on more meaning. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Always together and on top of each other (get your minds out of the gutter) is a sure way to tiring of your mate and letting the small things blow up into big things, which result in ugly ends to relationships.
T'was a word play joke. Obviously nobody has a separate room just for breathing.
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Communicating is hard for people that grew up in homes with passive aggressiveness, stonewalling, and ignoring problems until they boil over. Takes practice like anything even though it will be uncomfortable if that's not "you".
You'll either become more or less platonic roommates with your spouse eventually or you can learn to speak up and listen and still have a romantic spark there years and years later.
Its easy to go the roommate route. You just let natural complacency do its thing. I'd say the vast majority of guys do this. I have myself. They think they can't keep her happy (cause they go about it the wrong way) and give up trying.
But yeah. Don't stop dating even when you live together. Be spontaneous and don't phone in your dates to just stay home. And don't give up your hobbies or routines for her either. Remember there's less mystery now so its essential that you keep doing the things that keep some of that about you and keep you interesting.
Okay, there's my real response.
Last edited by djsFlames; 08-31-2021 at 11:04 AM.
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Best piece of advice that I have a hard time following is to not sweat the little stuff.
My wife leaves chairs out after using them (not sliding em back under the table), we have a perfectly good mud room, yet she leaves her keys and other stuff on the kitchen counter, we have a shoe rack but she leaves her shoes right at the goddam entrance.
If you were smart, you would just let that #### go. If you are like me, you let it bother you and you get high blood pressure, your hair falls out and you shave years off your life.
I'm going to add a caveat to that. If there are some small things that bother you, clearly, but respectfully communicate those to your partner. Only works if its a two way street and both people are willing to put in the effort to reduce the habits that bug the other person. There will almost certainly be small, little things that you do and don't think twice about it, but will get under the skin of your partner. If you don't communicate these things early on, you risk the possibility of letting a tiny thing compound into a bigger, more troublesome feeling of resentment.
The last thing you want is to have a big, huge fight about about something silly like, the way the dishwasher gets loaded. You might say things you regret because you didn't communicate early on that large bowls and pans should really be hand washed instead of shoved into the dishwasher all willy nilly. Like who does that, it obstructs the water from getting to the glasses on the top shelf. How can one not notice the food scum on the bottom of the glassware? The dishwasher is always full because things need to be rewashed all the time. The counter is a mess because there is a backlog of things that won't fit. The nice knives loose their sharpness when you pile them up in the sink with the other dishes that also won't fit in the dishwasher, you know I hate dull knives, that's why I cut my finger last week! I'm literally being injured and abused here - why are we living like this?!
So yeah, best to be proactive and avoid something like that.
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Keep calling her "the girlfriend", whenever you get the chance.
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I'm going to add a caveat to that. If there are some small things that bother you, clearly, but respectfully communicate those to your partner. Only works if its a two way street and both people are willing to put in the effort to reduce the habits that bug the other person. There will almost certainly be small, little things that you do and don't think twice about it, but will get under the skin of your partner. If you don't communicate these things early on, you risk the possibility of letting a tiny thing compound into a bigger, more troublesome feeling of resentment.
The last thing you want is to have a big, huge fight about about something silly like, the way the dishwasher gets loaded. You might say things you regret because you didn't communicate early on that large bowls and pans should really be hand washed instead of shoved into the dishwasher all willy nilly. Like who does that, it obstructs the water from getting to the glasses on the top shelf. How can one not notice the food scum on the bottom of the glassware? The dishwasher is always full because things need to be rewashed all the time. The counter is a mess because there is a backlog of things that won't fit. The nice knives loose their sharpness when you pile them up in the sink with the other dishes that also won't fit in the dishwasher, you know I hate dull knives, that's why I cut my finger last week! I'm literally being injured and abused here - why are we living like this?!
So yeah, best to be proactive and avoid something like that.
Ah, a man of experience I see!
You are correct, like others have said. Communicate, and offer praise and appreciation liberally. Voice your concerns (don't bottle them up and stonewall the other party), but be polite about it and know that you do #### that will piss her off, and she'll do #### that pisses you off no matter how hard you try to avoid those (often minor) things.
Married 43 years and I’m not good at this communication thing so I don’t know how we’ve made it this long, but I read the communication thing somewhere.
Married 19 years but sounds like you and I are alike. Good to know that there is hope for us to last a lot longer!
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