Maybe it wasn't cool.. I wasn't trying to be cool though. You are right though, I would have handled it differently now.
I should clarify that "yelling" is just a colloquialism in this sense. It is easier to write in a thread title than "stern talking to" or "rational conversation regarding etiquette". Surely you have heard it used in that sense before.
Yeah, I thoughy it might be, just making sure. I'm all for stern talking to, though it's always important you don't belittle them. Always give them a way where it makes sense in their own best interest to change their behavior. That's how true change happens. And that's not just with kids, that's people in general. In fact, kids often 'get it' easier than adults who have grown stubborn over the years. People don't often change because of external consequnces or threats. And if they do, not always for healthy reasons.
This ain't hippie dippy new age bs. It really works. To clarify, I do think there are situations where it's normal to lose your top, at least initially before calming it down. But 95 percent of the situations aren't them.
The rabbit thing would piss me off a little, I agree. It's hard to know exactly how it all went down though.
I kind of think if your kid is doing something that's directly irritating to other people around him/her, those people are entitled to tell the kid to knock it off.
perhaps but there also needs to be some context around this statement.
how long have they been "irritating" people. If my kids a running around a restaurant (mine DO NOT - they have been pulled out of restaurants before so they now know better) and the parents aren't making an attempt then ok go for it.
on the other side, maybe you just sat down at a restaurant and the children were perfect for 1.5 hours for dinner and the waitress is slow picking up plates and bringing the check.
I find alot of people are easily irritated by other peoples children, you have to give them a chance to misbehave a little they are kids anbd don't appreciate the nuances of behavior that most of society expects.
There are so many variables involved with circumstances around kids behavior that unless tehy are being vulgar and distructive most of the time they are just being kids.
I told a kid to stop messing with my food at Safeways. I was nice about it which is out of character and this kids mom started giving me the gears about talking to her kid. So I told her that she should pull her head out of her phone once and a while, stop calling her kid buddy and act like a parent.
My dad never yelled at me when I was acting up in public. He'd just firmly take my hand and take me out to the car, and let me have it there.
After a while it got to a point where he just had to give me a look and I'd settle down.
too many parents want to be their kids bestest friends and buddies that they forget to be parents and bring the hammer down when its needed.
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Just a question, as I don't have kids so I don't know how this feels from one side. But I've coached young kids for a long time so I have much experience reprimanding other's kids (obviously this is accepted in that forum):
What if he had used different language? ie: "Hey buddy can you please stop?" "Why?" "Because other people don't like it."
Is it just the "bad" in his words? He didn't say the kid is bad, he said screaming is bad. Obviously a kid probably doesn't realize the difference, but the parent should. Should he first ask the parent to ask their kid? Or should we all just suck it up?
Heh, I'm the same. Don't have kids, (so yeah, grain of salt) but have done the stepdad thing a bit. Always get told I should have some of my own. The other dads themselves even often love me. I've been told that compared to a lot of parents nowadays I do have a stricter style, but I always try to mix it with a lot of positive reinforcement and understanding. They are kids, they will probably screw up every day. Hell most adults do. Every little thing is not as big as it seems.
Now I undetstand this revelation will have parents saying 'well, you don't understand the daily grind'. Which is fine. But that wasnt the question. This is about other people's kids. Which is becoming my area of expertise.
As for what I didn't like about that interaction, it wasn't necessarily the 'bad'. If he used it right that's fine. The action is bad, not the kid. It was more just the interaction in general. A screaming kid is a small deal. It's annoying as hell, but unless your personally involved, say running the store, it's a common thing and probably best left to the parent or guardian.
"I don't think your kid is old enough to drive you to the emergency room."
Good for you for stopping the kid from potentially kicking a rabbit, but if thats what yo really said that Balsy!
Not sure i'd be flat out calling people out and antagonizing them to punch you in the face or worse. either you have a extremely high sense of your physical capabilities or your not quite sane.
Meh. Some from column A; some from column B.
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too many parents want to be their kids bestest friends and buddies that they forget to be parents and bring the hammer down when its needed.
It isn't about being "bestest friends" it is about setting expectations.
Expectations for their actions and you displaying the expectations to/in front of them.
If we are going to an place/event that has a specific way to act I discuss it with my kids.
A prime example if Nov 11. Every year i have to talk to my son (less so much now that he is 8) about my expectations on how he will act during the service.
Most kids if you set expactations they will meet them, or at least try hard to meet them.
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Corporal Jean-Marc H. BECHARD, 6 Aug 1993
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sliver
Just ignore me...I'm in a mood today.
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my rule of thumb is you should mind your own business with other's kids, unless that kid is about to physically harm you, others or themselves.
Reaper's story is a good example of when to intervene Puxlux's story was not
I dunno. When she intervened it could have looked like a girl shoving another girl into a locker. No clue if they were sisters or even knew each other. Perfectly OK time to intervene IMO. When the mom comes out and she learns they're sisters and their moms their, sure back away. I don't think there's any reason for the mother to be heated about it though.
I guess I understand not wanting strangers influencing your child, but at the same time, if what they said is right wouldn't it be better to support the stranger's assertion rather than throw it back in their face?
"Hey sorry ma'am, I saw these girls and told them they shouldn't be doing that." "The lady is right girls, you shouldn't be roughhousing/locking each other in/bullying/whatever."
vs.
"Hey sorry ma'am I..." "Who do you think you are telling my kids what to do. They're angels! Let's go kids, don't listen to the mean lady."
One seems more affective to me. Why the need for hostilities?
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So I told her that she should pull her head out of her phone once and a while, stop calling her kid buddy and act like a parent.
Did that make you feel better? for all you know she was running a few errands and could have been late picking up another child or a countless number of other things.
Was he licking your yams or somthing? I'd be willing to bet he was touching your shopping cart while you were both waiting in line to pay. and is that really a big deal to you?
It goes both ways... Ive had other peoples kids playing hide and seek around my cart in lineups before, who cares. as long as they aren't hurting themselves or others.
As for what I didn't like about that interaction, it wasn't necessarily the 'bad'. If he used it right that's fine. The action is bad, not the kid. It was more just the interaction in general. A screaming kid is a small deal. It's annoying as hell, but unless your personally involved, say running the store, it's a common thing and probably best left to the parent or guardian.
Fair enough. Like I said, my parents were really strict and maybe I unfairly project that onto other people. It's something I avoid doing now.
I guess on the other side of the coin is how about when it is in your home? Some parents let their kids do whatever they want in their home. For example, I have in-laws that live on a farm and their house is literally particle board and 2x4s. When they come into my home, I need to constantly correct behavior related to how they treat property (and it also extends their behavior in public). It's a situation where they are not "bad", but they are honestly ignorant. It has unfortunately led to some tension when my in-laws visit because I am always having to lay down the law with their kids. They don't seem to think that house rules supersede their personal parenting.
That is actually one of the things that made me start this thread. That Wal-Mart incident was so long ago I almost forgot about it. I was a bit more of a dick back then for sure.
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Last edited by FlamesAddiction; 12-22-2014 at 01:36 PM.
Haha, my sister in law is a terrible parent. Her kids are all little monsters, all five of them. She got mad at me because I wouldn't share Smarties with them because they refused to say please.
The less time my kids spend with their cousins the better.
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I think Minnie had the best statement (post 5). It's a tough call and imo should be dealt with on a case by case basis. Trying to kick a rabbit? Absolutely intervene. Running around and nearly hitting old people? Sure. Kid having a tantrum? Absolutely annoying and I sympathize, but mind your own business.
What's difficult about the question is when the issue isn't immediately dangerous to anybody or anything, you don't have adequate backstory. So a kid is being loud and obnoxious in a store and the mom is on the phone. In my eyes you have to admit that you don't know what's going on there. Maybe the kid was visiting his grandparents in a care facility and has been still and well behaved for 2 hours and is totally exhausted (or maybe he's a prick). Maybe the mom is dealing with some heavy stuff and needs to be talking to somebody (or maybe angry birds). My point is you don't know.
The other thing to consider is discipline style. All parents will admit to pumping the anger up to 11 far too early sometimes. It's a dangerous game to play, because once you hit a peak, there's very little distance left to go. It's like when parents threaten to take their kid straight home when they're 10 feet into IKEA. You know they're screwed because they played their ace too early. My point is (at least for me) discipline can work on a gradient. I might not be yelling and screaming at them, but I just quietly took him aside and told him there'll be no video games for the weekend if he does whatever he just did again. That's a megaton for him, but from where you're sitting I'm just rubbing his back and telling him to cool down.
I have a buddy who has a blade of grass for a fuse and it's a little annoying. There are plenty of times he goes right over our heads and corrects a behaviour that we are about to take control of. The result is a kid who doesn't feel remorseful for his actions, but angry. He means well, but he makes a lot of situations incredibly difficult, and my kids are noticeably worse around him as a result.
Last edited by Russic; 12-22-2014 at 02:00 PM.
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I have a buddy who has a blade of grass for a fuse and it's a little annoying. There are plenty of times he goes right over our heads and corrects a behaviour that we are about to take control of. The result is a kid who doesn't feel remorseful for his actions, but angry. He means well, but he makes a lot of situations incredibly difficult, and my kids are noticeably worse around him as a result.
Is this with your kids?
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I dunno. When she intervened it could have looked like a girl shoving another girl into a locker. No clue if they were sisters or even knew each other. Perfectly OK time to intervene IMO. When the mom comes out and she learns they're sisters and their moms their, sure back away. I don't think there's any reason for the mother to be heated about it though.
I guess I understand not wanting strangers influencing your child, but at the same time, if what they said is right wouldn't it be better to support the stranger's assertion rather than throw it back in their face?
"Hey sorry ma'am, I saw these girls and told them they shouldn't be doing that." "The lady is right girls, you shouldn't be roughhousing/locking each other in/bullying/whatever."
vs.
"Hey sorry ma'am I..." "Who do you think you are telling my kids what to do. They're angels! Let's go kids, don't listen to the mean lady."
One seems more affective to me. Why the need for hostilities?
I musta confused Puxlut's story with someone elses. I agree, you gotta intervene there too. Position of authority. She's in charge. Lockers are not for sticking people in no matter how fun it is. Yeah it happens, and yeah kids goof off, and we all did too. But we also knew if we got caught, we'd probably get told off.
Shoot, if the mom get's mad tell her it's a safety/insurance issue. I'm sure if something went wrong, they'd blame the pool.
Fair enough. Like I said, my parents were really strict and maybe I unfairly project that onto other people. It's something I avoid doing now.
I guess on the other side of the coin is how about when it is in your home? Some parents let their kids do whatever they want in their home. For example, I have in-laws that live on a farm and their house is literally particle board and 2x4s. When they come into my home, I need to constantly correct behavior related to how they treat property (and it also extends their behavior in public). It's a situation where they are not "bad", but they are honestly ignorant. It has unfortunately led to some tension when my in-laws visit because I am always having to lay down the law with their kids. They don't seem to think that house rules supersede their personal parenting.
That is actually one of the things that made me start this thread. That Wal-Mart incident was so long ago I almost forgot about it. I was a bit more of a dick back then for sure.
If it was my house, I'd definitely say something. But as many have mentioned here, it's a case by case basis. It's sooooo contextual. How well you know the parents, how you talk to the kids, etc. What exactly the kids are doing. I mean, kids are loud, that's a fact of life. Without knowing exactly what you are talking about, it's hard to know if your just being a little impatient and/or 'prissy' , or you have a legitimate compliant. Are they banging on walls? Is stuff getting damaged? Are they swearing a blue streak? For instance my uncle was pretty close to old world. Very strict. Wooden spoon strict. And we'd be over at his house with all the cousins every January for Ukrainian Christmas. But even he had no problem with us rough housing and being loud in the basement. Though it was mostly his son that was causing it, as he was the oldest, and a bit of a bully. (wonder how that happened?) Hey, you gotta learn how to fight somehow!
But, if you do have a complaint, I would feel no shame in confronting the kids, as long as it's done constructively.
If they are getting really bad, you gotta talk to the parents though, to do the heavy lifting. At this point, I guess I'd ask how well you know the parents. You said they were in-laws? Tough situation there for sure, but if the kids are disrespecting your home, and the parents don't wanna do anything about it, maybe that's just one of those situations where you have those people over less. They're in-laws, so maybe that'll be a good thing.
As for the Wal-Mart thing, I dunno if I'd even say it was a dick move, just that you probably overstepped your bounds a little, and that even a good parent might take a little offense.
The other thing to consider is discipline style. All parents will admit to pumping the anger up to 11 far too early sometimes. It's a dangerous game to play, because once you hit a peak, there's very little distance left to go. It's like when parents threaten to take their kid straight home when they're 10 feet into IKEA. You know they're screwed because they played their ace too early. My point is (at least for me) discipline can work on a gradient. I might not be yelling and screaming at them, but I just quietly took him aside and told him there'll be no video games for the weekend if he does whatever he just did again. That's a megaton for him, but from where you're sitting I'm just rubbing his back and telling him to cool down.
I think what you described sounds like how to manage a child's behavior as opposed to outright discipline after an action.
It is really interesting to read as I don't have to ever really think of the long term (not being a parent myself).
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Oh, so to get my kid from having a tantrum all I have to do is tell him to stop? Thanks armchair quarterbacks....mind your own business.
My then three year old was in full meltdown mode at a store. I put him in a shopping cart, kicking and screaming, and wheeled toward the exit. People parted like the Red Sea and let me pass. Most are smart enough to know when to leave you be.
