The Jokes and Riddles Thread

[Locke]

Originally Posted by Puppet Guy

What did Kermit say when Jim Henson died?

Nothing.

Okay....that one was dark but its the best one in here so far!

The fact that it comes from Puppet_Guy just makes it all the better.

[MoneyGuy]

Originally Posted by Locke

Okay....that one was dark but its the best one in here so far!

The fact that it comes from Puppet_Guy just makes it all the better.

Now we can Locke the thread.

[BloodFetish]

No! This thread is Money, guy!

[calf]

What's the difference between a good joke and a rhetorical question?

[Timbo]

A giraffe walks into a bar says “high balls on me”.

[Muta]

Why did the blind woman fall in the well?

Because she couldn't see that well

[PaperBagger'14]

What's half black, half white, has 2 legs and is red all over?

Half of a zebra

[jonesy]

Why did the jelly bean go to school?




... because he wanted to be a smartie

[4X4]

Do you know how to make an oyster mad?

Well, a noisy noise annoys an oyster.

[woob]

Originally Posted by Sliver

Not really a joke per se, but my wife and I have been playing a pretty fun game in the car with my kids lately: Trashy or Not Trashy. They're acing it.

Like if you see some gross chick with a leopard print steering wheel cover - hey kids, trashy or not trashy? Trashy, dad!

Trashy.

[saXon]

One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.

[Nage Waza]

My kids joke:

Knock knock:

Who's there?

I ate mop.

I ate mop who?

[Dion]

A Flames fan and an Oilers fan get into a car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. The Flames fan's car has a Flames sticker clearly visible while the Oilers fan's car has an Oilers sticker clearly visible.

After they crawl out of their cars, Oilers fan says, "So you're a Flames fan, that's interesting. I'm a Oilers fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

"The Flames fan replied," I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The Flames fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune.

"Then he hands the bottle to the Oilers fan. The Oilers fan nods his head in agreement, opens the bottle and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Flames fan. The Flames fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Oilers fan.

The Oilers fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Flames fan replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

----------------------------------------

A Calgary Flames hockey fan is driving home from work when he passes the local priest. He stops and gives him a lift.

A block later they pass a man wearing a Vancouver Canucks jersey. The Flames fan suddenly feels an uncontrollable urge to run him over with the car. He puts his foot down on the accelerator and tries to hit him. At the last minute the Canucks fan jumps out of the way and the driver hears a thump which he figures must just be the curb.

The two men procede in silence until finally the Flames fan blurts out, "Look Father, I'm really sorry about that incident back there. I tried to run the Canucks fan over but I believe I missed him : can you forgive me father?"

The Priest replies "It's Ok son, no need to apologize; I got him with the car door."

[BigBCalgary]

How do you catch a unique mouse?

Unique up on ‘em

How do you catch a tame mouse?

Tame way, unique up on ‘em.


I’ll show myself out...

[btimbit]

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

[MrCallahan]

Did you guys hear about that new broom that's being released?

It's sweeping the nation!

[jwslam]

Originally Posted by jonesy

why did the m&m go to school?

... Because he wanted to be a smartie

ftfy

[snootchiebootchies]

Courtesy of the new Letterman show on Netflix:

A company is hiring. So a guy wants the job. And the hiring manager says, "Tell me a little bit about yourself. What are your three strongest characteristics?"

And the guy answers, "Well, I'm a hard worker. I'm always on time, and I'm a problem solver."

And the hiring manager says, "Well, that's fantastic. Now, give me something negative about you."

And the guy says, "Well, I gotta tell you, I'm brutally honest."

And the hiring manager respond, "Well, I don't think that's too much..."

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!"

[Hockey Fan #751]

Three peanuts walked into a bar and one was assaulted

======

Three men walked into a bar and one ducked

======

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.

A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."

"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."

So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"

"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

======

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walked into a bar and the bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"

[Sliver]

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.