Rate your current mental health level out of 10

[afc wimbledon]

Originally Posted by Cali Panthers Fan

Middle age is fully annoying. Too old to enjoy the things of youth or have any hopes or plans for the future. Too young to say "#### it" and just enjoy life...duties are required.

Someone give me some advice for my impending mid-life crisis. I'm struggling to find the joy in the day to day, even though I have it good compared to so many others in terms of finance and relationships/family.

Also, side note (not so side note looking at it now), I'm seriously thinking of taking Wegovy to lose weight. I'm currently at 285 lbs., and it's been getting worse over time. I was already fairly large at 250 a few years ago, but then having kids adds weight due to lifestyle changes, and then a pandemic made things even worse. I noticed the issue about 2 years ago and began correcting diet. It's not perfect, but I eat a very healthy diet and moderate portions...no change in weight. I try to be active, but now with the added weight, it's getting increasingly hard to do much more than a brisk walk or an intermittent jog. It's not changing anything. I'm at a point where I feel like I need a hard reset so I CAN be active again, so hence the consideration of medication.

However, it makes me feel very weak and pathetic to rely on a medication to fix my issues. I've been trying to do it just on lifestyle alone, but the needle isn't moving much. I worry that it will become a permanent feature of my life if I start the drug. I know the long-term detriment of added weight, and I just don't want those consequences. Despite my mid-life crisis, I want to be around for my family long-term.

Help. I'm in a bad state at the moment, and I need advice and support.

I found my late 40's and 50's wierd, I'd got divorced at 39 so most of 40's were just coping with that, I had no time to be reflective just looked after my kids but once the worst of that was over, my kid hit her mid teens it felt like parenting was a grind, she wanted to hang with her friends and then off to college so I knew what the point of my life was, her and my foster kids, but couldn't see any results, they were all just pain in the arse teenagers, when she grew into her twenties it got a lot better, I could see the result of my effort

[GGG]

Originally Posted by Cali Panthers Fan

Middle age is fully annoying. Too old to enjoy the things of youth or have any hopes or plans for the future. Too young to say "#### it" and just enjoy life...duties are required.

Someone give me some advice for my impending mid-life crisis. I'm struggling to find the joy in the day to day, even though I have it good compared to so many others in terms of finance and relationships/family.

Also, side note (not so side note looking at it now), I'm seriously thinking of taking Wegovy to lose weight. I'm currently at 285 lbs., and it's been getting worse over time. I was already fairly large at 250 a few years ago, but then having kids adds weight due to lifestyle changes, and then a pandemic made things even worse. I noticed the issue about 2 years ago and began correcting diet. It's not perfect, but I eat a very healthy diet and moderate portions...no change in weight. I try to be active, but now with the added weight, it's getting increasingly hard to do much more than a brisk walk or an intermittent jog. It's not changing anything. I'm at a point where I feel like I need a hard reset so I CAN be active again, so hence the consideration of medication.

However, it makes me feel very weak and pathetic to rely on a medication to fix my issues. I've been trying to do it just on lifestyle alone, but the needle isn't moving much. I worry that it will become a permanent feature of my life if I start the drug. I know the long-term detriment of added weight, and I just don't want those consequences. Despite my mid-life crisis, I want to be around for my family long-term.

Help. I'm in a bad state at the moment, and I need advice and support.

On the medication front you wouldn’t feel guilty about taking drugs to treat cancer. Dont feel guilty about a weight loss drug. Weight is not about will power and it’s not a moral issue, it’s a medical condition.

On the day to day enjoying life what do you do just for yourself? Do you have anything you do for your own joy? If not find something that you do for you and no one else and make that a priority.

[boogerz]

Originally Posted by Cali Panthers Fan

Middle age is fully annoying. Too old to enjoy the things of youth or have any hopes or plans for the future. Too young to say "#### it" and just enjoy life...duties are required.

Someone give me some advice for my impending mid-life crisis. I'm struggling to find the joy in the day to day, even though I have it good compared to so many others in terms of finance and relationships/family.

Also, side note (not so side note looking at it now), I'm seriously thinking of taking Wegovy to lose weight. I'm currently at 285 lbs., and it's been getting worse over time. I was already fairly large at 250 a few years ago, but then having kids adds weight due to lifestyle changes, and then a pandemic made things even worse. I noticed the issue about 2 years ago and began correcting diet. It's not perfect, but I eat a very healthy diet and moderate portions...no change in weight. I try to be active, but now with the added weight, it's getting increasingly hard to do much more than a brisk walk or an intermittent jog. It's not changing anything. I'm at a point where I feel like I need a hard reset so I CAN be active again, so hence the consideration of medication.

However, it makes me feel very weak and pathetic to rely on a medication to fix my issues. I've been trying to do it just on lifestyle alone, but the needle isn't moving much. I worry that it will become a permanent feature of my life if I start the drug. I know the long-term detriment of added weight, and I just don't want those consequences. Despite my mid-life crisis, I want to be around for my family long-term.

Help. I'm in a bad state at the moment, and I need advice and support.

1. There's no shame in getting help. You'll feel happier at your future lower weight than if you don't take it and continue lamenting about being at your current weight

2. The monthly cost of Ozempic/Wegovy is high enough to prevent it from being a permanent-use medication, unless you're rich and/or have an incredible benefits plan

[flamesfever]

Originally Posted by Cali Panthers Fan

Middle age is fully annoying. Too old to enjoy the things of youth or have any hopes or plans for the future. Too young to say "#### it" and just enjoy life...duties are required.

Someone give me some advice for my impending mid-life crisis. I'm struggling to find the joy in the day to day, even though I have it good compared to so many others in terms of finance and relationships/family.

Also, side note (not so side note looking at it now), I'm seriously thinking of taking Wegovy to lose weight. I'm currently at 285 lbs., and it's been getting worse over time. I was already fairly large at 250 a few years ago, but then having kids adds weight due to lifestyle changes, and then a pandemic made things even worse. I noticed the issue about 2 years ago and began correcting diet. It's not perfect, but I eat a very healthy diet and moderate portions...no change in weight. I try to be active, but now with the added weight, it's getting increasingly hard to do much more than a brisk walk or an intermittent jog. It's not changing anything. I'm at a point where I feel like I need a hard reset so I CAN be active again, so hence the consideration of medication.

However, it makes me feel very weak and pathetic to rely on a medication to fix my issues. I've been trying to do it just on lifestyle alone, but the needle isn't moving much. I worry that it will become a permanent feature of my life if I start the drug. I know the long-term detriment of added weight, and I just don't want those consequences. Despite my mid-life crisis, I want to be around for my family long-term.

Help. I'm in a bad state at the moment, and I need advice and support.

I think you are part of the way there by recognizing your main problem, and why you want to change it. I agree with the above with regard to taking drugs. It's drugs that are allowing most of us to be around long term. Of course, asking the necessary questions is important, like what are the side effects, and how long do I have to take them, etc.

Have you considered hiring a personal trainer? I know a lot of people are in that business these days.

A think finding what you are passionate about, especially doing things that get you moving more, may help.

What helps me most, is being grateful for what I have, trying to be more positive, being kind to myself, and looking forward and not back. I think it's often just the simple things in life that give us joy, that first cup of coffee in the morning, a walk in the sunshine, or having a conversation and good laugh with a friend.

[gallione11]

Reliance on a medicine is not weakness -- it's an appreciation that we've figured out assistance for a problem. I've been taking acid reflux and HBP drugs for about 10 years now. BP is actually low enough, I might not need it anymore, but the point is, don't slag modern medicine for things you feel "you should be able to handle yourself". Obviously, if there are things you can do to lifestyle wise that will help, do it. I quit smoking 13 years ago, and don't regret it, so that helped the BP. I still drink too much, but working on that. I had that "OMG, can't believe my grandparents have a 7-day pill box" feeling a while ago, but, now it's like, "Meh, it's convenient." 1 acid reflux pill, 1 HBP pill, 2 general pain relievers and a vitamin-D supplement in the non summer months.". I'll be 42 in July, I'm @ 220lbs and active. Don't be ashamed if you need a bit of assistance drug wise to feel 100%. Enjoy the fact that we have the technology to help that

[Cali Panthers Fan]

Thanks for the responses everyone. You are echoing the same sentiments that my wife said about using medication to achieve health goals. It isn't different than any other medication required to maintain health, and in fact is probably better than a lot of others because it doesn't seem to have any long-term side effects, and it could help me avoid taking drugs for cholesterol, high blood pressure etc. I think my resistance to it is because it feels like giving up on losing weight in a normal way, and I'm not one to give up easily.

I have tried personal trainers in the past. I found that my strength increased, but my weight didn't budge and inch. I became frustrated and gave up (usually stuck with it for 6 months to a year before doing so). I have tried various healthy eating plans (not a pure diet because those are based solely on calorie restrictions, and that doesn't work long term). Outside of an occasional fast food meal when I'm on the go, I don't eat any processed foods or consume any added sugar. I cut soda out years ago and I almost never eat dessert or other sweet foods (just lost my taste for it). I try to eat high fiber food, and a good amount of vegetables and beans. Whole grains for the most part. A mix of lean and fatty proteins (because some amount of fat is actually good for you, just can't eat it all the time). My bloodwork is really good except for total cholesterol that is bordering on being too high. The only thing that's a detriment is alcohol, and I'm working on actively reducing that.

My family on my mom's side are all bigger people with thick torsos. It seems to be a genetic trait to have this body type. My own mom eats nothing but fruits, vegetables, and whole grains (and pretty small portions overall), yet she still is quite overweight. It seems as though I'm stuck with that bodytype. It's just that the extra weight is starting to cause issues in my ankles, knees, and hips, sometimes low back. It's getting harder and harder to stay active because of the extra weight and the pressure it puts on my joints. I know that if I don't reverse course soon, it will be something that lowers my life expectancy, even though I don't have any risk factors in my bloodwork or physiology right now...it's a certain outcome long term to carry extra weight and not be very active.

As for the other stuff, I do try to focus on positives, and I'm often the one reminding my wife of that when she starts to get overly negative. I usually have a pretty healthy outlook on life. I think I'm just in a holding pattern, and that bums me out. I'll be taking care of my kids for at least another 12 years before they leave for college. I've sort of hit a plateau at work, and I don't expect a lot of upward mobility or change in the future. I don't really want to do more either. It just means I will probably get really bored doing the same thing for the foreseeable future. I don't have a hobby other than working on the occasional massive lego kit. I don't have any close friends living here. Plenty of casual friendships and acquaintances, but that's it. Most of the men my age love to go out golfing, but I can't stand golf, and so there's not many opportunities to make new friends. I don't seem to have a lot of shared interests with men my age.

I have a great wife. We have a great relationship and are quite close. My kids are great (if not a little annoying sometimes), and my family in the area are all good people who support our family unit well. We are very well set financially, and I don't think I'll ever have to worry about money long term.

Again, I don't have much to complain about, but I find myself often bored. Suburban life is comfy, but a little dull. I don't have any major interests to keep me occupied these days, and I don't have a lot of friends to just hang out with. Life is about work and family duties, and that's about it. I don't see that changing much anytime soon. Hence why I'm bummed out.

I try not to complain too much because I know so many people have it worse off than I do, but I still feel the way I feel. Just not sure what to do about it.

[Calgary14]

Originally Posted by afc wimbledon

I found my late 40's and 50's wierd, I'd got divorced at 39 so most of 40's were just coping with that, I had no time to be reflective just looked after my kids but once the worst of that was over, my kid hit her mid teens it felt like parenting was a grind, she wanted to hang with her friends and then off to college so I knew what the point of my life was, her and my foster kids, but couldn't see any results, they were all just pain in the arse teenagers, when she grew into her twenties it got a lot better, I could see the result of my effort

Any tips on surviving that stage of life? That's pretty much where I'm at right now (newly divorced)

[Erick Estrada]

Originally Posted by Calgary14

Any tips on surviving that stage of life? That's pretty much where I'm at right now (newly divorced)

I'm heading into that stage myself. My wife and I have been together 30 years and my boys are in their mid-late teens so I kind of feel like I've lost my purpose as all the plans I had set for retirement, etc are up in smoke. It just feels weird starting all over again at a time when I thought I was nearing the finish line.

[photon]

Originally Posted by Cali Panthers Fan

Also, side note (not so side note looking at it now), I'm seriously thinking of taking Wegovy to lose weight. I'm currently at 285 lbs., and it's been getting worse over time. I was already fairly large at 250 a few years ago, but then having kids adds weight due to lifestyle changes, and then a pandemic made things even worse. I noticed the issue about 2 years ago and began correcting diet. It's not perfect, but I eat a very healthy diet and moderate portions...no change in weight.

I was a lot bigger than you and I ran into basically the same problem.. despite tracking my food and supposedly being in a calorie deficit I couldn't lose much. I think part of it was still not eating healthy enough and lack of consistency, but I also think part of it was low base metabolic rate, I naturally don't move much, and prone to binging / emotional eating.

I was on Ozempic for a while (more to try and help control Diabetes) and I will say it definitely does help if you can tolerate it. I found it really reduced my meal sizes and I lost probably 15-20lbs on it.

It really did help to be able eat smaller portions. Rather than ordering a large pizza, eating it all, and still feeling hungry I could only order a medium and only eat half for example.

Getting older by itself will naturally cause weight gain too.

If you haven't tried it I would highly recommend tracking your food in detail. When I first started doing that I found there was quite a bit of calories hidden in sauces and drinks and oils. And I got a much better idea of the actual portion sizes and calories in things. It's super annoying at first but I think it's worth doing.

But ultimately I plateaued on Ozempic and about as far as I thought I could go on improving my diet and I had only lost about 20lbs from my peak weight.

All of this was in the context of the bariatric program where they prepare you for bariatric surgery so I constantly met with a dietician and diabetic educator and all that.

I eventually decided to go ahead with the surgery as I felt I probably couldn't make much more progress and it was a choice between life altering surgery and the poor quality of life I had and maybe/probably a shorter life.

I had the surgery in October of last year and I've lost over 70lbs since then, down over 90lbs from my peak weight 3 years ago, and after the initial steep drop due to liquid diet while healing it's been pretty healthy and steady 1.5 / 2 lbs a week.

I find it's been a big reset button on things like hunger and cravings and binging. I find it WAY easier to make better choices. I would say that before I was maybe a 4-5 on mental health and since then I've bumped up to a 6 just looking forward to some things that I can do now again and am just starting to plan.

I'm not advocating for the surgery, it is a drastic change and I was a lot bigger than you.. and there is some risk. I haven't really had any issues at all (which is how it goes for the vast majority of people) but some people do have issues especially if someone doesn't take their instructions seriously. And it's not a silver bullet, you have to work at eating properly still, making your own food is lots of work, but it's a very powerful tool.

But for me the benefits finally outweighed the risks. At this point I regret not doing it sooner.

On the flip side of things lots of people are happy and healthy at a bigger weight.. quite a while ago I was seeing someone about mental health and while I blamed my weight a lot I did come to realize that it was only a factor that compounded things. I was able to improve quite a bit getting help with those other things. But not going to deny that dropping 90lbs really helps.

Sorry for the giant post, tl;dr version is if you want and can try a weight loss med then go ahead. I mean the worst case is that it doesn't work or you don't tolerate it and you stop.

[photon]

Originally Posted by Cali Panthers Fan

Again, I don't have much to complain about, but I find myself often bored. Suburban life is comfy, but a little dull. I don't have any major interests to keep me occupied these days, and I don't have a lot of friends to just hang out with. Life is about work and family duties, and that's about it. I don't see that changing much anytime soon. Hence why I'm bummed out.

Quoting you here because this is where I feel too. As mentioned I've gone from a 4-5 to a good 6 recently but now I feel like higher than a 6 is an actual possibility where before 6 was a best case scenario.

I find I have much more energy lately and have the actual desire to go out and do things. Make some friends.

The problem is I'm still inherently lazy lol.

My wife and I rarely do things together anymore, our interests just don't really match much. We get along well and work together well. But on the best-friend/lover -> great-roommate scale things seem to be sliding to the right. But blowing it up seems like a recipe for making things a lot worse.

So I'm trying to decide what it is I can/want to do to try and get past that 6. Do I need to join some kind of social thing to get more friends? Get deep into a hobby (I've always been a starter not a keep-going-er)?

[Russic]

Originally Posted by Cali Panthers Fan

...

As for the other stuff, I do try to focus on positives, and I'm often the one reminding my wife of that when she starts to get overly negative. I usually have a pretty healthy outlook on life. I think I'm just in a holding pattern, and that bums me out. I'll be taking care of my kids for at least another 12 years before they leave for college. I've sort of hit a plateau at work, and I don't expect a lot of upward mobility or change in the future. I don't really want to do more either. It just means I will probably get really bored doing the same thing for the foreseeable future. I don't have a hobby other than working on the occasional massive lego kit. I don't have any close friends living here. Plenty of casual friendships and acquaintances, but that's it. Most of the men my age love to go out golfing, but I can't stand golf, and so there's not many opportunities to make new friends. I don't seem to have a lot of shared interests with men my age.

I have a great wife. We have a great relationship and are quite close. My kids are great (if not a little annoying sometimes), and my family in the area are all good people who support our family unit well. We are very well set financially, and I don't think I'll ever have to worry about money long term.

Again, I don't have much to complain about, but I find myself often bored. Suburban life is comfy, but a little dull. I don't have any major interests to keep me occupied these days, and I don't have a lot of friends to just hang out with. Life is about work and family duties, and that's about it. I don't see that changing much anytime soon. Hence why I'm bummed out.

I try not to complain too much because I know so many people have it worse off than I do, but I still feel the way I feel. Just not sure what to do about it.

To me this is such a good post because it's packed with such relatable problems. There's no single answer to any of it, but some things that have helped me:

1. Anytime I catch myself saying something along the lines of "and this is how it'll be for a long time", I stop and ask if that's perhaps a depression or low grade sadness speaking. Keep in mind humans are absolute dogs*t at forecasting the future, but we feel the opposite. Jobs, marriages, the entire world... it all changes, so it's worth at least considering that those thoughts about the same thing forever are potentially incorrect.

2. The parent/child relationship changes over time. Sometimes your role is to wrangle them like they're drunk all the time. Sometimes you're a chauffeur. Sometimes you're a life coach. The older my kids get, the more I realize the stages never last as long as I thought they would, and some are more fun than others (depends what you're into). It's completely OK to absolutely hate certain stages with every gram of your being.

I 100% shared your "I guess I'm supporting these kids for 12 years until they move out" thought, but then they became more independent/interesting, and suddenly my mindset changed to "oh it changes." I don't know how to express how profound I found that, but it certainly helped with my relationship towards them and myself.

3. Men are much more likely to have their spouse as their best friend, which tends to put us in a bit more of a vulnerable position when life changes in unexpected ways. I know it's not going great right now on that front, but I do think trying to make connections is a pursuit worth continuing.

4. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you've got some things to complain about. I feel we easily get wrapped up in a cycle of "well we're healthy and wealthy, so I'm not allowed to be upset." Everybody has things they can be pissed about, and sometimes acknowledging them can be the first step in moving past them.

[OldDutch]

Originally Posted by photon

My wife and I rarely do things together anymore, our interests just don't really match much. We get along well and work together well. But on the best-friend/lover -> great-roommate scale things seem to be sliding to the right. But blowing it up seems like a recipe for making things a lot worse.

I know friends that fell into this runt too long, and the result was either divorce or cheating. Get out of that rut, nothing good comes from it.

I am on month 6 of my personal transformation. Everyone will be different. I got a trainer, and work out 6 days a week, I do jiu jitsu which honestly I think was the best move. The positive male environment is huge. Men need men is what I discovered. Then don’t be afraid to take care of yourself. I didn’t for years, now I do.

Women aren’t afraid like men to take care of their skin, or hair. Heck I got a hair transplant and love it. I tell everyone about it, and you know what they are proud of me.

Get a full blood test too. You may need to boost your testosterone. I didn’t but lots of men do. Don’t be embarrassed to do this stuff.

I have friends who don’t do any of this, and I get clowned a bit. Who cares, I feel so much better mentally knowing I look and feel like a strong man. Its the best thing I have done.

I am happy to give anyone who needs a boost a recipe for turning it around. I have worked so hard in 6 months I am 180 from where I was. Which was a dark spot for too long

[Jiri Hrdina]

Originally Posted by Erick Estrada

I'm heading into that stage myself. My wife and I have been together 30 years and my boys are in their mid-late teens so I kind of feel like I've lost my purpose as all the plans I had set for retirement, etc are up in smoke. It just feels weird starting all over again at a time when I thought I was nearing the finish line.

My marriage ended during COVID and I would offer some thoughts based on my experience so far:
- When you get divorced, even if it is the right thing, you mourn the life you thought you were going to have. In addition, it hurts when the person that picked you to share their life with, unpicks you, even if you are also unpicking them. But it’s important to acknowledge it and deal with that reality
- I find what I miss the most is having someone to share experiences with. And that can blindside you at odd times. When you have a funny moment, and there’s no one there to share it with. Or when you are out and see happy couples/families. It can smack you suddenly and painfully out of nowhere.
- There is also a real fear of being alone for the rest of your life. Dating in your 40s is not easy. More on that below.

So it sucks. No way around that. So here are some things I’ve found help me:
- Re-committed to regular physical activity. The gym is my meditative space
- Re-initiated regular social contact with more people. And not being afraid of being the person to initiate that. Most of your friends are likely married and/or have kids. So they may be less likely to initiate. So take the step. Make it happen. I think a lot of men become isolated in their marriages (at least I did), so I’ve now proactively re-strengthened a lot of friendships.
- Have a hobby. Something you enjoy. Perhaps something you used to enjoy but didn’t have time for. Now you may. Get back at it.
- Try dating when you are ready. The apps though can make you feel worse about yourself. There is a lot of toxic behavior. I’ve enjoyed speed dating more. You have to talk to someone for 8 minutes, and that’s better for me.

Getting divorced is the most stressful thing I’ve dealt with. I’ve not even talked about the financial stress it places on you. That’s a whole other part of this.

I’m always available to talk to someone who is struggling with this. I don’t have all the answers, but we can talk about the questions together.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by OldDutch

I know friends that fell into this runt too long, and the result was either divorce or cheating. Get out of that rut, nothing good comes from it.

I am on month 6 of my personal transformation. Everyone will be different. I got a trainer, and work out 6 days a week, I do jiu jitsu which honestly I think was the best move. The positive male environment is huge. Men need men is what I discovered. Then don’t be afraid to take care of yourself. I didn’t for years, now I do.

Women aren’t afraid like men to take care of their skin, or hair. Heck I got a hair transplant and love it. I tell everyone about it, and you know what they are proud of me.

Get a full blood test too. You may need to boost your testosterone. I didn’t but lots of men do. Don’t be embarrassed to do this stuff.

I have friends who don’t do any of this, and I get clowned a bit. Who cares, I feel so much better mentally knowing I look and feel like a strong man. Its the best thing I have done.

I am happy to give anyone who needs a boost a recipe for turning it around. I have worked so hard in 6 months I am 180 from where I was. Which was a dark spot for too long

I'm 65 years old and did the blood tests about 20 years ago and was diagnosed with Andropause (Male Menopause). A condition where the body doesn't produce enough male testosterone. My mood was bad at the time as well as my energy levels.

https://www.healthxchange.sg/men/pro...ent-andropause

I do monthly injections of Testosterone directly into the muscles of my buttocks. Since that time my mood improved greatly as well as my energy levels. Same with my metabolism. Changed my life greatly.

[TrentCrimmIndependent]

There are always ways you can spice up your life and/or relationship by initiating changes or new activities. It takes effort and getting out of the comfort zone though. Effort that your brain doesn't account for because it's already budgeted everything for your current routine and gravitates towards efficiency. For most people, it's easier to put those ideas off into an undisclosed time in the future and just focus on getting through the next day/week with the same habits and routines (and mentality). But then it just becomes that over and over again and before you know it years have passed and you're doing the same thing with that snowball of angst around your situation quietly building.

The feeling of plateauing without a lot of discernible room for movement or growth feels like this slow death, especially for men. We thrive around challenges that are a difficulty level slightly out of our comfort zone that bring some kind of tangible improvement that we can see in our minds and bring into reality through action. Without getting that on some front (in work, relationships, hobbies, etc), we pretty much lose our essence and sense of identity as well as our confidence, which leads to our relationships suffering.

It's up to us to set new goals and create new challenges for ourselves if they're no long presenting themselves because we've set ourselves up and have a foundation in place. We have to find the time, do the research and make the effort to bring new, novel experiences in at that point. Or make an effort to increase our knowledge to bring about improvement, like studying relationships and parenting from experts in those areas if you're a family man.

[Erick Estrada]

Originally Posted by Jiri Hrdina

I’m always available to talk to someone who is struggling with this. I don’t have all the answers, but we can talk about the questions together.

You're a good man Jiri. Be careful with the offer as I may take you up on it.

[Calgary14]

Thanks Jiri, all great points.

I'll add the positives of a divorce:
- no more constant negativity. For years it was like a dark cloud always hanging around; that's now gone, and I'm sure others feel the same way
- you now have a lot of time to do.....whatever you want to do. If you were lost in the previous relationship now you have time to 'find' yourself
- social outings in some ways are tricky given the new dynamics but in other ways are easier. If you are truly happier, people see that and gravitate towards that
- seeing a mental health professional is helpful and recommended (in my prior relationship she was dead set against it). It allows you to heal and move on
- solo travel is highly underrated - planning a trip to do 100% whatever you wanna do is fun
- if you have kids they will see both parents become happier and will be in a more positive environment
- it forces you to develop a more broad social circle of people to interact with. Gone are the days of having one person to share everything with but now you have the chance to reconnect with whoever that you may not have been close with in the past

For me the worst part was realizing it's over and then ending it. But after that it gets sooooo much better

It's not easy at all and has ups and downs like everything else, but definitely a positive move in the long run for many including myself

[TheIronMaiden]

Divorcing/ Separating can be the most inexplicably lonely thing that happens to a man.
For whatever reason, we do not create the same kind of emotional community or support system.

What Jiri said was bang on, the hardest part can be little moments in your life you do not get the share with that person who is no longer your partner. Little things they might find interesting or funny.

In my experience separating was extremely isolating. It is something you have to fight through. Go and do things alone, join activity groups, set up a new (healthy) routine where you see the same people in the same place, even if it is just the guy you buy coffee from, or the same clerk at a grocery store. Build yourself a community of people who would notice if you disappeared, people who look forward to seeing you.

Saying it gets better with time is like getting a handshake when you need a hug, but its true, and there is no rush. It's been 6 years and still sometimes I get a little sad about it ( even with a new wonderful partner). You never forget being in love. That said, life is long and beautiful, and suffering is unavoidable.

[Jiri Hrdina]

Originally Posted by Erick Estrada

You're a good man Jiri. Be careful with the offer as I may take you up on it.

Anytime. Let's face it - we like each other a lot more in person than we do on here

[afc wimbledon]

Originally Posted by Calgary14

Any tips on surviving that stage of life? That's pretty much where I'm at right now (newly divorced)

I gave myself some rules around my divorce, I dated but only when I didnt have my kid, she never met any of the women I dated, we have since talked about how much she appreciated the stability and time that gave us, I honestly believe you can be a good boyfriend or a good dad but you cant be both so I chose dad, obviously never ever put my ex down or really commented on anything she did to my kid nor did I ever really try and talk to my ex about her parenting as there was/is no point, your in a fight about a marriage with her so she (and you probably) have zero ability to hear any kind of suggestions or criticism about anything, I tried (and Lord it was hard) to have a zen like acceptance that I had married her so I was stuck with what ever bat#### crazy thing my ex did, in essence it was my fault for picking her.

I tried to see my kid every other day, if only for lunch or a walk or something, I'd pick her up from elementary school and go for a burger or the like

When I didnt have her I started doing some things I loved before the marriage and kids, went to see bands/live music again at seedy little bars, that was what I did before the marriage, so what if I was the oldest guy in the room I was there to watch the band not pick up girls, I started playing pick up soccer, just 5 a side with a bunch of guys my age not even rec league and I started to ride my bike again, still do 20 years on.