Family - What do I do?

[Pacem]

Like others have said clear it with the wife.

I'm situations like this I like the other party involved to set a deadline. Have a conversation about the situation. Explain you need the stuff gone. Get them to chose a date to have it gone by. Be firm if they try and be jerks about it and say 6 months. Agree on a date that works for you. Explain what you will do when the deadline passes. If the deadline comes and goes without action do what you said you'd do with a guilt free conscience.

I wouldn't send a bill if you had someone clean it up or did the 1 800 got junk thing. This is family. Just try and look at is as the cost of helping a family member out.

[bc-chris]

definitely clear anything you do with your wife

i would give a deadline and if the stuff isn't gone, get rid of it. now, whether that is doing a dump run, donating it (both immediate results) or selling stuff (could take a while to get rid of things) it's up to you.

i'm not sure if you have anything like this in calgary, but one of my friends in kelowna works with getting new immigrants established when they get into town. these are people that are arriving in kelowna with pretty much nothing and are so grateful for any kind help they can get. my wife and i have been going thru a bunch of our old stuff and we've been giving it all to him. the families he's connected with are always so thankful for the help.

[Bagor]

Small bit of work and finances but a way of passing the responsibility onto them and away from you.

Pack up their stuff. Put it in storage. Pay a month for them and give them the key.

[RedHot25]

Thanks everyone.

A lot of the feedback in general is what I assumed. I guess, regardless by the yes its family/just stuff/I have other space in my house/etc, I'm just struck by the apparent disrespect/being taken advantage of feeling.

We are long past the stage where we have reminded them about their stuff, whether joking or asking them to clean up. We once had a huge house of company come over (long after they had moved out), so we had to clean the bathroom they had used. My wife had to spend 1 - 1.5 hours doing that, and she informed them about that. Still nothing. They said they would get it over Christmas break. Nothing. They'll get it next weekend. Nothing.

Anyway we've done some cleaning (can't leave random bottles of open pop, or full bin of stinky garbage), moved a portion of it into one room, etc.

But its their stuff, and their mess.

Its just that still nothing. I voice my displeasure to my wife, who agrees but she just bites her tongue regarding it. On some occasions seeing them I joke about abandoned goods, but often in response to them jokingly bringing up how their stuff is still there, or just in the general flow of the conversation.

One recent time they were back over they saw that their child had drawn (in pencil) all over the top of a white chest we have. Did they clean it? Nope, instead the commentary was about what their child is trying to say in that drawing.

Or, another time they were over visiting (actually for the same occasion as my wife did the bathroom cleaning), and their child went into the room and came out wearing multiple different outfits (because a lot of her stuff is in there). Still nothing, their stuff has remained.

Anyway I'm torn between just packing it all up and dropping it off at their place to be done with it, but at the same time then I've done all their work for them. I do like the donation idea, as if its been 6 months and they don't seem to need most of the stuff, someone else who does could certainly use it.

But instead, we will likely sit here, biding our time until they randomly (ever?) show up to take their stuff.

[blankall]

Originally Posted by RedHot25

I've thought about that. But then I've done all their work for them. Packing it up, cleaning it, moving it, etc.

I'm assuming it's mostly clothes? If you lose two hours on a weekend boxing stuff up... Well that's the cost of being in a relationship. I probably lose at least that much time every week, and my current relationship isn't that serious yet.

I wouldn't bother with storage units etc... If push comes to shove, just drop it off at their house and be friendly when you do. Creating more hostility here will only create more work down the road. I'd think about this as a sunk cost

Honestly it sounds like your wife should be more involved here. Maybe you can translate this favor into a night out with the boys.

[RedHot25]

A good chunk is probably clothes, but there is also a mix of a lot of other things: books, toys, random items like big water/drinking bottles, etc.

Another item is the bed the child slept on. I went and borrowed it from my mother-in-law (i.e. my wife's and her sister's mom), brought it back to my house and set it all up for them to use. So it needs to go back, which they should likely do (seeing that their child slept on it the entire time, and its their family), but that's not going to happen...

[Jason14h]

You've gotten the answer several times in this thread. I don't know what more you are hoping for. This isn't rocket surgery

1. Give them a deadline, throw stuff out after
2. Pack up stuff, drop off at their place
3. Pack up stuff, put in storage, drop off key

If you are expecting them to come over, apologize for the inconvenience, clean the place up, and take you for a thank you dinner, wake up! It isn't happening.

Take the 2 hrs, clean/pack their stuff, give them a date, and then throw it out. The peace of mind and getting your rooms back is worth the effort!

THEY AREN'T COMING TO CLEAN IT UP!

[RedHot25]

Ha, I know, just aggravated/grumpy by the entire situation. Anyway think I'll have to swallow my grumpiness, box/bag it all up, and drop it off one day. Just don't get how after someone opens their house up to you, family or not, you can't take 2-3 hours to take your stuff away and clean up after yourself. That's all.

[CliffFletcher]

Threads like this make me grateful for my family, in-laws, and friends. Whatever other quirks they have, they all understand and follow basic civilities.

[HockeyIlliterate]

At this point, I don't see any value in clearing anything with your wife. If she isn't willing to confront the slobs over it, then you will have to do so.

To that end, box everything up, trash and all, and throw some of your own half-full bottles of coke in the mix, and then go over to their house and dump it all out on their lawn. Throw some of the clothes in the trees too for good measure. The higher the better. Then spray it all down with water. I'd recommend doing it all at night for the reason noted in the ETA below.

And then forget about it and them.

ETA: If looking for a bit of extra revenge, put a yard sale ad up on Kijji or wherever, scheduled for the morning after you drop off all of the clothes and junk in the yard. Nothing brings out the best in humanity like people scavenging through random wet junk in someone's yard.

[Amethyst]

They are not going to do anything that will make you happy. So your choices are:

1) clean it up yourself (or hire someone) and be grumpy, but at least with a clean house
2) continue to wait for them to do it and be grumpy, but with a messy house

Them realizing it is their responsibility and cleaning it up is not an option because you have no control over that and they've pretty much shown you that's not going to happen.

[Ace]

When I moved out of my parents house, was busy establishing my own home and really didn’t have time to deal with my old stuff.

What my parents did was bring a box or two over every time they visited or had a box or two for me to take when we stopped by.

It was really casual and not too overwhelming for either of us. I will likely do the same when my kids move out.

You might be able to do something similar, although in your case I’d take very little care in boxing the stuff. Just enough effort to fill the box and get them moving it one step at a time. Maybe fill two boxes now, and invite them over for some random hang out tonight, when they show up say hey, let me help you pack these in your car.

[taco.vidal]

Originally Posted by RedHot25

....

Anyway I'm torn between just packing it all up and dropping it off at their place to be done with it, but at the same time then I've done all their work for them. I do like the donation idea, as if its been 6 months and they don't seem to need most of the stuff, someone else who does could certainly use it.

But instead, we will likely sit here, biding our time until they randomly (ever?) show up to take their stuff.

Look, spend your afternoon today packing the stuff up. Throw everything in garbage bags and box up anything that cant go in a garbage bag. Then drive it over and drop it off. Im sure you could pack up everything 2 hours and then take another 1 to 2 hours to drive it over and drop it off, depending how far away they live. Then youre done with their stuff. You can clean up your space during the week and take back the bed next weekend. Then youre done with it all.

Or you can keep thinking about. Keep posting on a message board. You could be done with their stuff in less than 4 hours today or you could keep thinking about this and keep having this on your mind for another 6 months. Make a tough adult decision and take back the space in your house today.

[nfotiu]

nm

[Canehdianman]

Ignore all of this advice.

Just keep passive aggressively whining on the internet about it while crushing all of your annoyance and frustration into an ulcer in your stomach.

[GGG]

I think some of this is on you.

You wanting them to clean up seems kind of ridiculous 6 months after the fact. It would have been nice of them to do it as part of moving out but expecting them to comeback and clean a bathroom and resenting that you had to spend an hour cleaning the bathroom seems like your problem rather than theirs.

The issue is that the line between tenant and house guest is blurred. If someone came for a weekend you wouldn't expect them to clean the bathroom before they leave. When they go from house guest to tenant is different for each person. So I think if you want them to clean up you are in for a world of resentment. And whether or not your inlaws deserve you to clean for them or not doesn't really matter. Your resentment over the situation is not healthy for yourself.

Ask yourself what you want out of the situation.

Do you want your inlaws to realize the error of their ways apologize, clean your house and remove their stuff and thank you for your hospitality.

Or

Do you want your rooms in your house back?

One of these things you can have easily, the other you will never get and hurt relationships trying fo get. So you need to decide if winning is more important than happiness.

That said I still wouldn't box up their stuff, just a deadline then the dumpster.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by rbochan

It
will
all
burn.

[sec304]

I would sell everything on kijiji and buy a bottle of scotch with the money. I wouldn't ever bring it up with them either, they don't seem to care, so why would you? Use the time spent to reward yourself and enjoy it. If they ever ask about it, just say it's gone and you dealt with it for them at no charge to them

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by Ace

When I moved out of my parents house, was busy establishing my own home and really didn’t have time to deal with my old stuff.

So, you just shirked the responsibility and made your parents pack up your old stuff because you were too busy to take a weekend to move your own stuff. Great job. Did mom come over to make your lunches too? Turns out you were irresponsible and immature when you first moved out so that should work for everyone else...

[firebug]

Post the stuff on Kijiji.

Send them a link to the ads.