What to do with your parent's stuff?

[MoneyGuy]

I was my parents’ executor and when they died I had my three siblings in and we went through the stuff. Everyone could choose one item of sentimental value (mine was an antique Telefunken hi-fi radio I used to listen to as a child). After that we assigned a value to everything and we went through everything and could choose whatever we wanted. We totalled what everyone owed and we had a party or something (long time ago) with the proceeds. Everything else was given away, was junked or my sister had a garage sale.

[photon]

I was starting to fear having to talk to my parents about them getting their will and other instructions and details in order when they told me they've been getting that together for us.

Between that and them decluttering due to selling their house and moving into our walkout basement that we suited for them I'm fortunate as I won't have to deal with a lot it looks like, at least compared to some.

Still have a garage half full of my dad's tools but at this point I may be more emotionally attached to them than he is lol.

[vegasbound]

Originally Posted by troutman

My parents lived on a Ranch. We had a big auction one Saturday. The auctioneer wisely bundled crap with good stuff, and everything got cleaned out.

We also had auction. Best way to do it as there were lawyers involved in my very, very messy situation. I did take all the family pictures and some of the china.


Took us three weeks to go through half of the family pictures before we gave up but everything from the house we have is now consolidated into 3 boxes that are in my grandmother's hope chest. I think we did not bad.

[Redliner]

My dad passed away at Christmas and we are in the middle of this process right now. Thankfully my parents have their affairs in order so it was just a matter of making sure my mom had the support she needed dealing with all the paperwork. The stuff is another matter. My mom is not really the sentimental type, but my dad was a borderline hoarder. Our weekends have been taken up sorting through the garage, garden sheds, and side yard. Tons (probably literally) of stuff has gone to the dump, and my mom is going to have a yard sale to get rid of whatever is left that she doesn’t want to keep.

The time commitment is enormous, and some of my siblings have really struggled with getting rid of things because to them it feels like we’re throwing my dad’s memory away. There has been a lot of stress and some tears but also laughter as we try to understand what anyone would need with some of the more unusual items. (30 year-old lawnmower parts, life jackets from 1962, and a heated combination ice scraper/flashlight that plugs into a car cigarette lighter) All I can say to anyone in the same situation is take your time and be patient with family members as they may not grieve the same way you do. It feels overwhelming at times but it’s a necessary part of the process.

[GordonBlue]

I remember when we got rid of my parents stuff when my mom got rid of the house.
Most of it went into the bins.

The worst part was my mom hoping we'd take stuff and most of it not being wanted.
It hurt her to see her life just thrown out.

[GrrlGoalie33]

My parents have been giving my brother and I what they call "legacy" gifts for Christmas for a few years now. One year I got a matching silver earring and necklace set that once belonged to our great grandmother ( I was the only great grandchild she ever met).

My brother was gifted with a really special knife that belonged to our great grandfather that we were lucky enough to spend time with.

[Cheese]

auction is the way to go.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by Cheese

auction is the way to go.

Or is it...?

[bizaro86]

Originally Posted by Frankster

My parents have been giving my brother and I what they call "legacy" gifts for Christmas for a few years now. One year I got a matching silver earring and necklace set that once belonged to our great grandmother ( I was the only great grandchild she ever met).

My brother was gifted with a really special knife that belonged to our great grandfather that we were lucky enough to spend time with.

My grandparents did that prior to my grandfather's death. Various children/grandchildren got most of their coins/books/art etc. I (only engineer descendent of my P.Eng Grandfather) received his slide rule for Christmas, stuff like that. It worked well, because they got to see people enjoy it, and when it was time to do the big downsize most of the heirloom items were gone, which made it less emotional for them I think.

[rotten42]

My dad recently past so my brother and I have been having this discussion with my mom about what to do with the house and everything in it. They've been in the same place since 1967.

Mom had already agreed to go to a retirement place. We found a nice one that is run more like a hotel rather than a prison like some are. She also already had friends in the same place.


As for the house, it will sell quite easily. In an older neighborhood on a 180' wide lot. Even better is it has R2 zoning so I could see developers going after it.

We are going to tell the extended family to take anything mom isn't taking with her. After than, it there are some good items to donate or sell, we will do that. After that there will be two bins put on the driveway. One to put household items away from my kids when they move out. (ie kitchen stuff) and another bin that will take everything else away to the dump.


We have already started the process but it is hard because when you have lived in the same place for so long you get attached to things. Things that don't even really have value anymore like encyclopedias from 1975. Like the article says, this is is going to be a long process.

[Russic]

Originally Posted by Redliner

...All I can say to anyone in the same situation is take your time and be patient with family members as they may not grieve the same way you do. It feels overwhelming at times but it’s a necessary part of the process.

Such a good point. I'm in the same boat as many... I'd be renting a giant bin. I'm the guy who stumbles on the question of "if there was a house fire, what would you grab". Pants? I guess? I have a hard time mustering up sentimental feelings for stuff.

I read that Marie Kondo tidying book years ago, and despite kinda hating it, she did mention how everything serves a purpose, and once that purpose is gone, it's ok to pitch it. I don't know why that stuck with me. It's freeing as hell.

But not everybody feels that, and for them their relationship to stuff might be important to them. Weird to me, but important to them.

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by Russic

Such a good point. I'm in the same boat as many... I'd be renting a giant bin. I'm the guy who stumbles on the question of "if there was a house fire, what would you grab". Pants? I guess? I have a hard time mustering up sentimental feelings for stuff.

I read that Marie Kondo tidying book years ago, and despite kinda hating it, she did mention how everything serves a purpose, and once that purpose is gone, it's ok to pitch it. I don't know why that stuck with me. It's freeing as hell.

But not everybody feels that, and for them their relationship to stuff might be important to them. Weird to me, but important to them.

Definitely need to be considerate of others, and that extends to people who think every scrap of paper and box has value. Grieve, but be mindful of others who need things to move forward to get to their acceptance and closure. I've seen people completely unnecessarily bog down the end-of-life process with dithering and procrastinating. These things need to be dealt with. If you have somebody in your family who can move things along and you find yourself roadblocking progress...maybe consider taking a backseat and letting them stickhandle wrapping things up. There is great value in completing what needs to get done expediently.

[the-rasta-masta]

Originally Posted by Redliner

My dad passed away at Christmas and we are in the middle of this process right now. Thankfully my parents have their affairs in order so it was just a matter of making sure my mom had the support she needed dealing with all the paperwork. The stuff is another matter. My mom is not really the sentimental type, but my dad was a borderline hoarder. Our weekends have been taken up sorting through the garage, garden sheds, and side yard. Tons (probably literally) of stuff has gone to the dump, and my mom is going to have a yard sale to get rid of whatever is left that she doesn’t want to keep.

The time commitment is enormous, and some of my siblings have really struggled with getting rid of things because to them it feels like we’re throwing my dad’s memory away. There has been a lot of stress and some tears but also laughter as we try to understand what anyone would need with some of the more unusual items. (30 year-old lawnmower parts, life jackets from 1962, and a heated combination ice scraper/flashlight that plugs into a car cigarette lighter) All I can say to anyone in the same situation is take your time and be patient with family members as they may not grieve the same way you do. It feels overwhelming at times but it’s a necessary part of the process.

I'm in a similar position with my Dad passing away right before Christmas. I've had similar struggles with wanting to start purging some of the items, but my Mom is living in the house still (and I don't think she'll move despite that it was way to big for two of them, let alone her by herself). She doesn't want to be reminded of Dad's death by empty closets, so all Dad's clothes are still there. She still has both my Dad's vehicles in the triple garage so that it doesn't look empty despite them not being driven for coming up 6 months.

I can see big work ahead when she decides to move (or worse, it's shocking to watch her decline since he passed despite her being only 72, they did everything together and now she doesn't seem interested in building a life without him), and my sister is definitely going to be challenging to deal with in terms of getting rid of items in the future. My sister took over my Dad's cell phone number because she couldn't imagine it belonging to anybody else (which is certainly jarring to those family members she hasn't told about her taking over the phone number when she texts or calls them the first time). I can't imagine what she'll think about bigger items down the line if a cell phone number that meant nothing to him was such a big deal. But I've just held my tongue as the grief process hits different for each of us.

Executorship fell on me and it's definitely been a lot of work. My Mom offered me an executor fee and I felt too prideful to take it. Even after most of the transfers have been completed, the month to month is still a lot and will continue to be a lot. My Dad took care of my Mom and she never paid a bill in her life, and he certainly had a complex estate. Managing her two properties/maintenance, 3 vehicles/maintenance, taxes, on top of my own obligations and young family is certainly a lot of added stress that I've taken on.

[rotten42]

Originally Posted by the-rasta-masta

I'm in a similar position with my Dad passing away right before Christmas. I've had similar struggles with wanting to start purging some of the items, but my Mom is living in the house still (and I don't think she'll move despite that it was way to big for two of them, let alone her by herself). She doesn't want to be reminded of Dad's death by empty closets, so all Dad's clothes are still there. She still has both my Dad's vehicles in the triple garage so that it doesn't look empty despite them not being driven for coming up 6 months.

I can see big work ahead when she decides to move (or worse, it's shocking to watch her decline since he passed despite her being only 72, they did everything together and now she doesn't seem interested in building a life without him), and my sister is definitely going to be challenging to deal with in terms of getting rid of items in the future. My sister took over my Dad's cell phone number because she couldn't imagine it belonging to anybody else (which is certainly jarring to those family members she hasn't told about her taking over the phone number when she texts or calls them the first time). I can't imagine what she'll think about bigger items down the line if a cell phone number that meant nothing to him was such a big deal. But I've just held my tongue as the grief process hits different for each of us.

Executorship fell on me and it's definitely been a lot of work. My Mom offered me an executor fee and I felt too prideful to take it. Even after most of the transfers have been completed, the month to month is still a lot and will continue to be a lot. My Dad took care of my Mom and she never paid a bill in her life, and he certainly had a complex estate. Managing her two properties/maintenance, 3 vehicles/maintenance, taxes, on top of my own obligations and young family is certainly a lot of added stress that I've taken on.

Dad's clothes were a big thing with my mom too. WE had a cousin take her out for the day and went through his closet. As for the executorship, I'm in the same boat. Its amazing even when they had so many of their affairs in order, there is still so much to do....even just changing names on accounts.

[curves2000]

I am going to go on a slightly different tune here and say for those who are in this particular process, make sure you go through things carefully and see if any of your parents and grandparents stuff can replace our own garbage.

There is a lot of really good things that our parents and grandparents have that really can't be bought or purchased in today's environment. Sometimes it's a matter of altering our own tastes or preferences and you end up with some extremely high quality items.

I have seen friends trying to literally junk high end, hand made, Rose china dinnerware made in England. Of course it may "look old fashion" but it's a lot nicer than the Ikea and Dollar store garbage they are eating off of.

A friend wanted to take a saw to break up a dinning room table his parents have. One look at this thing and I am convinced that to replace this table, hand crafted, solid wood withleather studded chair's could easily run tens of thousands of dollars.

Another friends father had some very nice, high end clothing. Said friend literally lives in the hoodie and comfy pants but some of these really nice overcoats that are 100% cashmere, made in Canada/Italy are just stunning. These are thousands of dollars in Men's Department stores and that's if you can even get it such as the Made in Canada angle.

All I am saying is have a look and maybe open up your perspective a little as well. There is probably some really good things that older generations bought and can't be bought today because of the global environment we live in and our throw away culture. Sometimes all you gotta do is change a few things up.

My parents have lot's of junk as well but there is also some very nice things they also have too.

[bizaro86]

Originally Posted by Sliver

Definitely need to be considerate of others, and that extends to people who think every scrap of paper and box has value.

I would say if someone else is going to do it I'm fine if they go through it item by item. I dont want to be there for that and won't participate, but if I had a relative who wanted to spend 2 months going through stuff feel free.

Or let me do it, and it'll be done in a weekend.

[RichieRich]

Originally Posted by curves2000

I am going to go on a slightly different tune here and say for those who are in this particular process, make sure you go through things carefully and see if any of your parents and grandparents stuff can replace our own garbage.

There is a lot of really good things that our parents and grandparents have that really can't be bought or purchased in today's environment. Sometimes it's a matter of altering our own tastes or preferences and you end up with some extremely high quality items.

I have seen friends trying to literally junk high end, hand made, Rose china dinnerware made in England. Of course it may "look old fashion" but it's a lot nicer than the Ikea and Dollar store garbage they are eating off of.

A friend wanted to take a saw to break up a dinning room table his parents have. One look at this thing and I am convinced that to replace this table, hand crafted, solid wood withleather studded chair's could easily run tens of thousands of dollars.

Another friends father had some very nice, high end clothing. Said friend literally lives in the hoodie and comfy pants but some of these really nice overcoats that are 100% cashmere, made in Canada/Italy are just stunning. These are thousands of dollars in Men's Department stores and that's if you can even get it such as the Made in Canada angle.

All I am saying is have a look and maybe open up your perspective a little as well. There is probably some really good things that older generations bought and can't be bought today because of the global environment we live in and our throw away culture. Sometimes all you gotta do is change a few things up.

My parents have lot's of junk as well but there is also some very nice things they also have too.

Very good valid point.
Hard to move specific jackets and shoes when they’re made from extinct or endangered animals. (Yes, poor fast jesting).

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by bizaro86

I would say if someone else is going to do it I'm fine if they go through it item by item. I dont want to be there for that and won't participate, but if I had a relative who wanted to spend 2 months going through stuff feel free.

Or let me do it, and it'll be done in a weekend.

That would work for me, too.

I find those types generally aren't able to get stuff done, though, so I'd be concerned I'd just be doing it all in the end after they slowed it down, though.

[flamesfever]

I would hesitate to simply throw out things that are are still useable and saleable. You might consider donating to thrift stores like World Serve or Women in Need. They have taken a lot of our stuff over the years, and are usually quite happy to receive it.

[Slava]

There’s a service we used for my moms place where they take everything, and donate what can be donated, and take the remainder to the dump. They were fantastic and I would recommend that for the items you don’t want to sell, but also don’t need to be thrown away. And at the same time, they did the dump run we would’ve otherwise had.

Oh, and they also decide what to donate and what to toss. You just pile it up (or however you have it set aside).