The Baby Thread

[Ace]

Everyone that will help is going to want to help you in the first month. Babies sleep A LOT in this first month. You really will need the help after this in month 2+ when they start being awake more and more demanding.

Knowing this you can shape the help saying things like, mom and baby are just bonding now, but it would be super helpful if you guys could come spend a day here at the end of the month. (This is the point you’ll actually want some sets of hands to watch the baby as you catch up on sleep or just want to run out for some errands, etc.)

[Monahammer]

My wife of 7 years and I had our first 2 children during COVID. 1st in October 2019 and 2nd in June 2021. It has been an absolute whirlwind over the last two years. Your partner, already having gone through this, will be a wealth of information. Lean on her experience and trust her. Also, cater to her.

Newborn sleep is not linear. You will have periods of great sleep and sometimes inexplicably periods of absolutely no sleep. There's no rhyme or reason sometimes; the only advice to give is to not take it personally or as a sign of bad parenting. Be there for each other, your partner is likely to internalize some of these problems as well, even though she has experienced them before.

[81MC]

The sleep issue with the one area I felt entirely unprepared for. I know it's not much of a 'choice', but if its at all possible get quality sleep before the delivery.

Get on the same page about how you're going to deal with the sleep situation, for you guys and the child, and accept that it could change hour to hour. Also remember that people are really not themselves when sleep deprived, including you.

Fatherhood has been awesome, and while everything is more 'work', its so wonderful. But man, the sleep really hit hard...and my wife is the one who usually gets ups.

[DoubleF]

Oh man. There's a trillion things to be said, but congrats and everything will be all right is probably the main theme of everything.

There's thousands of tricks. Most of us are probably just sharing the ones we liked the most or wished we knew earlier.

On the day of the birth, take notes, pictures and videos (ie: notepad app on your phone). It'll be a whirlwind, both of you will likely be sleep deprived. Everyone wants to know the details to the minute and you'll forget. If you're often at the storage limits of yours or your partner's phone, upgrade one before birth for better photos and videos. My spouse took more photos and videos in about one year than she had done so in the past 10 years. Every single thing and stage and angle she took a picture of. Upgrade that phone or pre-compress media and upgrade that cloud storage so that you have enough space on the phone.

No one wants to talk about some parts of the story, but as the non-birthing spouse, you honestly will likely get forgotten as the focus will rightfully be on baby and mom. It's not personal. That will pass. Focus more on what your spouse and kids think that what others think.

Assuming nothing. Open communication with spouse. Miscommunication in minor details can have big domino effects. As new parents, many things become less gross quickly. Poop/vomit other gross convos over meals are more funny rather than topics that takes away appetite now.

Not everything is sunshine and rainbows. Rain is normal. Anyone saying otherwise is full of crap. Figure out coping strategies and mental health strategies early and implement them.

Keep an eye out for baby blues/post partum depression in your partner and yourself. Journal frequently. Both your memories are going to be quite bad for the first bit with sleep deprivation. Many do not realize the challenges of breast feeding. For your two little ones, try teaching them to be independent ASAP and figure out how to include them in assisting in the challenging process. My spouse and I tried to shield our first from the chaos and we had him sleep over with grandparents at night for a month so that he'd get enough sleep. That was a major mistake on our part. The first month of error probably took 3-4 months to undo. Once he started to understand that he wasn't being replaced etc. things got way, way better.

Certain things on paper seem like a good idea, until you implement them. Then they're really dumb ideas. When #### hits the fan, laugh it off and revise your approach as needed. Don't over think the little things. The nature of babies is chaos. It is your role as parent to control chaos in a manageable manner. We can do our best and chaos will succeed, but chaos doesn't adapt like we can. Life can be absolute ####. You're sleep deprived, you're covered in spit up, you're hangry... and then the little one smiles in their sleep... and suddenly it might feel like all of that melts away and it's all good. Hang in there! Every stage will seem like the best and the worst stage during and via hindsight.

Rely on your gut. There's a dozen+ different variations on how to do things. When truly in doubt, call the early start help line or 811. However, babies are not as fragile as many think they are. They're much more capable of surviving that you think. In hindsight, my spouse and I laugh at how freaked out at everything we were for our first. Sanitizing, calling the poor people at the early start helpline demanding to know if things were normal, but no, they didn't understand... our kid was probably sick... etc. and then we went all "meh" for our second and the second has be surviving fine (if not better than the first). Do what feels right for you and your spouse. Remember that she holds the veto though. Babies can understand body language though. So if you're anxious and stressed, baby might be too. If you're more relaxed and happy, baby may absorb a lot of that too.

I believe we modern parents are the first ones to have decision paralysis. Dozens of way to do the same things and there's too much info out there, everyone has an opinion even if they don't necessarily deserve one. Don't get me started on the overwhelming different variations of the same technology or daily use items. The only universal rule is being consistent.

Some people deserve to be told STFU, but be tactful about it if required. I am not kind to some strangers should be told to STFU though.

Have open conversations with anyone trying to help. But if everyone is all over the place or people are overstepping boundaries, it makes the whole process chaotic and overwhelming. Most new grandparents don't recall a damn thing from raising you or your spouse. The vast majority likely will be happy to do exactly what you say. Lots of new parents worry about having to ask the grandparents to do things differently and delay for weeks to have the conversation. Almost all I spoke with said the conversation was pretty easy and some were actually excited to learn the new ways... So they were annoyed they didn't have the chat earlier.

The grandparents that make a fuss honestly are the ones that truly need to be sat down and told it's not about them. TBH, it might even be easier to divide and conquer. Grandparents help with cleaning and food, parents focus on navigating baby. For me, I had to tell one grandparent that it was not OK to be rushing into my room at 2-5 in the morning as soon as they heard a squawk and be exhausted and frazzled for the rest of the day (and technically be another person we had to take care of). We had to say that between midnight and 7 AM, stay out of the master bed room. We would do nights the way we wanted to do nights.

Consider a minivan. Seats 7-8 vs your family of 5; lower profile than SUV means lifting carriers/strollers/diaper bags etc. a lower height and trunk in floor vs at waist height means less stuff falls all over the place when door is opened; sliding door is a game changer for pulling out a carrier/bag+ without having to hold the door or making sure the kids don't slam doors into other cars; no need to play Tetris or Blockus to put things into trunk; more HP and space to haul everything you need and keep back up items than most vehicles on the market.


Congrats again!

[bizaro86]

Get used to everyone you talk to having lots of great advice.

[Cortez]

Originally Posted by 81MC

The sleep issue with the one area I felt entirely unprepared for. I know it's not much of a 'choice', but if its at all possible get quality sleep before the delivery.

Get on the same page about how you're going to deal with the sleep situation, for you guys and the child, and accept that it could change hour to hour. Also remember that people are really not themselves when sleep deprived, including you.

Fatherhood has been awesome, and while everything is more 'work', its so wonderful. But man, the sleep really hit hard...and my wife is the one who usually gets ups.

Sleep train your child.

No it is not a bad thing to teach your child how to properly sleep throughout the night. And yes you can totally teach your child how to sleep.

Honestly, take the time and research this. Shoot me a message if you have any other questions. I'll be glad to help. My wife and I have sleep trained our 3 girls and they go to bed at 7:30 pm every night and wake up at 7:00 am. It's amazing and actually life-changing.

I am usually not one to offer advice for parents. Everyone is different and you will figure it out. BUT I will always mention sleep training to new parents. I didn't even know it was a thing and it's quite amazing putting your kid down every night knowing they will be asleep right until the morning

[Johnny Makarov]

I took 4 months off unpaid for my son and than 6 months off with EI for my daughter.

It was pretty awesome spending so much time with them when they are that young and they grow fast.

[dobbles]

Originally Posted by Cortez

Sleep train your child.

No it is not a bad thing to teach your child how to properly sleep throughout the night. And yes you can totally teach your child how to sleep.

Honestly, take the time and research this. Shoot me a message if you have any other questions. I'll be glad to help. My wife and I have sleep trained our 3 girls and they go to bed at 7:30 pm every night and wake up at 7:00 am. It's amazing and actually life-changing.

I am usually not one to offer advice for parents. Everyone is different and you will figure it out. BUT I will always mention sleep training to new parents. I didn't even know it was a thing and it's quite amazing putting your kid down every night knowing they will be asleep right until the morning

We have 4 kids with the oldest about to turn 8 and the youngest at just 2 months. We tried sleep training with our first and it went terrible. We've let the other kids figure it out naturally and they sleep way better. To this day our oldest still sleeps the least. It's probably just how his body is wired but we don't feel like our sleep schedule did us any favors and may have made it worse.

[photon]

I found the holy wars over the different kinds of sleep training (or lack thereof) were as toxic as anything I've ever seen. "You let your baby cry? YOU MONSTER!" "You let your baby sleep with you? CHILD ABUSE!!"

For us when it seemed that a nighttime feeding was more habit and comfort than actual hunger we started just gradually reducing the amount of interaction.. let him fuss for a few minutes, pick him up, put him right down still awake, leave.. repeat.. eventually we could just go in and put a hand on him rather than picking him up.. then just come stand by... then just come into the room.. didn't take too long for him to sleep through.

Worked for us but every kid is different, and other parents said lots of nasty things because I didn't use their preferred method.

[Cortez]

Originally Posted by dobbles

We have 4 kids with the oldest about to turn 8 and the youngest at just 2 months. We tried sleep training with our first and it went terrible. We've let the other kids figure it out naturally and they sleep way better. To this day our oldest still sleeps the least. It's probably just how his body is wired but we don't feel like our sleep schedule did us any favors and may have made it worse.

Did you do it on your own or hire a consultant for it?

Full disclosure my wife is a sleep consultant. (She became certified after we trained our first child) She has worked with hundreds of families and yes there are some different and hard kids that take some time- but she has to this day never had a client that it has not worked for. Obviously, I am a bit biased, but seeing the work my wife has done with families all over the world- I am a strong believer that you can sleep train any child.

[Cortez]

Originally Posted by photon

I found the holy wars over the different kinds of sleep training (or lack thereof) were as toxic as anything I've ever seen. "You let your baby cry? YOU MONSTER!" "You let your baby sleep with you? CHILD ABUSE!!"

For us when it seemed that a nighttime feeding was more habit and comfort than actual hunger we started just gradually reducing the amount of interaction.. let him fuss for a few minutes, pick him up, put him right down still awake, leave.. repeat.. eventually we could just go in and put a hand on him rather than picking him up.. then just come stand by... then just come into the room.. didn't take too long for him to sleep through.

Worked for us but every kid is different, and other parents said lots of nasty things because I didn't use their preferred method.

Agreed - I have seen every side of it. Extremely toxic and I try to be very careful with what I say because of it. At the end of the day, you just need to survive - and whatever works for you I am all for it. I just like to mention it to new parents since I didn't even know it was a thing and I have heard from tons of parents saying they wish they knew about sleep training when their kids were young

[photon]

Also don't buy a device or app that interprets your baby's cries and tells you what they want lol.

[blankall]

My baby is one now. She sleeps through most of the night. It's going to be a real challenge getting her out of the room though.

When she was a newborn, she refused to be swaddled or use a basinet. She would only sleep in our bed. I don't even know how she knew it was our bed. She would scream until she started gasping for air in the basinet, and then would instantly fall asleep as soon as she touched the bed.

We have her in a crib in our room now, but she's starting to creep back into the bed, post feedings. So we've decided to be harsher on her and get her out of the bed, with the view of eventually moving the crib out of the bedroom.

[Kybosh]

Honestly, you'll figure out everything. Just try to be present in the moment and cherish everything.

[Old Yeller]

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Also try to avoid putting too much stock into what the Internet says, especially around milestones... it's a good base of research obviously, but everyone's developmental path is a little different.

[EVERLAST]

MAYBE not parenting advice but for ALL men ....one thing I feel is really important and that's making sure your wife gets as much help as she can get.

She had a baby. Maybe not an easy delivery. Post Partum can be really overwhelming as can breast feeding and getting the baby to latch on can be difficult.

My poor wife was awesome and I thought I had supported her enough but NOPE. That was a huge mistake on my part.

I'd get home from my regular 10 to 16 hour day in the fall when my busy season erupted thinking I'll go home and relax.....ha ha ha ha yeah right fella.

If you have no help ,.no extended family in town etc etc ....your it.

Honestly , I'd never trade spots with my wife . I had it way easier getting to leave the house daily for the few first years than staying home trying to be some kind of super hero at home caring for an infant and cooking, cleaning, diapers, feeding, naps, all while suffering alone doing it all.

Thats my 2 cents worth of advice .

[indes]

Another +1 for sleep training (not until they're ready at 5+ months)

In our close friend group there's probably about 12 kids - the 4 kids that are 'sleep trained' are the only ones that sleep on their own, through the night, consistently. 2 of those kids are ours and the other 2 are my brother/sister in laws. Everyone elses kids "sleep fine" a.k.a. only get up a few times or need to crawl in with the parents every night. No thanks.

We used "Taking Cara Babies"

[#-3]

People will tell your wife that she needs some contraption that warms for the butt wipes, and a pad in the crib to measure the babies breathing patterns, and some special "natural" food diet, and super expensive bottles that have more precise flow rates.... and all of it will cost an arm and a leg, and every one of them is lying to you or virtue signaling.

But you definitely want a swing or some form of device that will rock the baby when you set them down. That crucial.

[DoubleF]

Originally Posted by #-3

People will tell your wife that she needs some contraption that warms for the butt wipes, and a pad in the crib to measure the babies breathing patterns, and some special "natural" food diet, and super expensive bottles that have more precise flow rates.... and all of it will cost an arm and a leg, and every one of them is lying to you or virtue signaling.

But you definitely want a swing or some form of device that will rock the baby when you set them down. That crucial.

For all those things you listed, I feel like they're an overexaggerated aspect that does indeed work. The warm wipes do seem to keep kids from shuddering from a cold wipe on their body. The one that I always find weird are those several thousand dollar head sculpting helmets. I don't know if those are legit or insanely exaggerated or not.


Oh, wasn't mentioned but tongue tie. Don't fret it if suggested. My wife and I agonized about it and didn't do it for like 3-4 weeks because we didn't want baby to feel pain. Had so many issues latching because of it. The feeding improved dramatically after we finally relented and had it done at around 3-4 weeks. Baby cried for like 30-40 seconds at most and then forgot about it. 30-40 seconds of tears isn't worth weeks of added stress during a stressful time.

[calf]

Squeeze a wipe in your hand for 3 seconds and it'll be warmed up to body temperature...no need for a $50 contraption.

Those head sculpting things are legit medical devices though.