11-23-2019, 12:44 AM
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#1
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Powerplay Quarterback
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Calgary, Canada
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Dating Advice: Calling and texting etiquette
Hi all,
So I was wondering if any of the other fellow single CP'er's may be running into an issue that I am sort of running into and how best to deal with it.
I am 34 years old, single and I don't use any social media or specific dating app's like Tinder etc.
I have come across a new trend in my dating life where I meet a girl, chat her up a bit that day or over the course of a few days, weeks etc and then ask for a phone number to take them out on a date. All goes well, get a number, girl seems excited, surprised, interested etc
We will message a little bit, maybe some flirting and then it kind of just dies on their end. Call it "ghosting" or whatever but it seems to die fairly quickly in some cases.
I've reached out to a bunch of friends and most of them say the same thing. "Everybody get's ghosted here and there, it's natural, don't worry about it"
What's different in my opinion is that this isn't happening on some app or some social media platform, I have personally met these girls, got a name, got a number, seen them in person etc. I am not flying blind here.
This hasn't happened a lot or anything but it hasn't happened 1 or 2 times either. It never really happened 5-10 years ago and I never seem to get the excuse "Sorry, I have a boyfriend" or even a fake phone number which has happened to a lot of guys.
Like how much chasing should I do here? What are these girls looking for? More aggressiveness? I don't have any issue with rejection, it happens but the whole idea of here is my phone number, I'd like to go out and then after a little bit of texting it seems to go south. It seem's strange.
As I said, my friends say don't worry about it, it happens but for me it seems a little different. Why give me your number if your not interested in even responding after a bit??
It's not an every time issue either, I have a decent dating life but it's happened enough with maybe 10 or 12 girls that I am questioning it.
Sorry about the long rambling post! Hopefully some others have some advice or some input?
Thanks in advance!
Last edited by curves2000; 11-23-2019 at 01:51 AM.
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11-23-2019, 01:05 AM
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#2
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Franchise Player
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Hyperbole Chamber
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Girls are sticklers for the correct use of then and than.
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11-23-2019, 01:05 AM
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#3
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Norm!
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So wait, you get her phone number and proceed to texting and use texting as your primary communication?
People become the worst thing on texting, I'm serious they become the worst sales people ever.
First and foremost, pull the trigger, if a girl gives you her number, call her figure out your cooling off period, one day, or two days and then pick up the phone and call her, keep it simple. "Hey loved talking to you, I'd like to see you, lets meet for dinners or drinks or whatever"
endless texting and so called flirting in text and going on endlessly with it tells her that you're either playing her along because you're not sure, or you're not willing to put in the effort or gesture to move this think along to the next stage. You become a time burgler.
Maybe I missed something but this is what it sounds like.
Meet the girl - excellent
Spark a conversation - Excellent
Do well enough to get a phone number - Outstanding
Start a stream of texting, and flirting through text, but never get around to closing the deal to meet again - Bad
She ghosts you - No surprise there, somebody else probably jumped in that she met who actually closed the deal.
In a new relationship do you know what I use text for - Confirmation. "Hey we talked about this movie that you wanted to see tonight, its at 8 I'll pick you up at 6". "Hey really looking forward to Dinner tonight, I'll swing by at 8".
You're literally to me, taking the easiest way out with texting, its not a romantic gesture, or an effort gesture, its literally the easiest and least thought required thing that you can do.
Don't ever ask someone out on a first date by text, it gives the other person a super easy way out. don't drag things out and use text to communicate, they'll literally lose interest because it doesn't feel like you're trying that hard.
Look you did a great job at the start, you approached a girl you didn't know and got a number that didn't have the area code 555. Do you know how tough that is for a lot of people, and how many people never get it right? Then you petered out and she lost interest. It shouldn't be a thing that's expected, its on you not her.
Text is for ordering Pizza, blowing off your parents for Sunday Brunch, getting a hooker, or confirming an appointment for your proctologist (So like a dating app). Not as a primary dating tool at the start.
__________________
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Last edited by CaptainCrunch; 11-23-2019 at 01:10 AM.
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11-23-2019, 01:13 AM
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#4
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Franchise Player
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honestly Cap, I think your demographic is informing your opinion on the texting.
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11-23-2019, 01:13 AM
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#5
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Franchise Player
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Jesus, I'm so glad I don't have to try this new type of "dating" but my advice from this old fart is a quick call for a meet n' greet over a cocktail or 2, if it feels right have an alternative plan to keep the date going, I always found ladies love pubs with live bands, you can chat during the band breaks and dance during the music. (Females don't change with the times...they all love to dance and love men who'll dance with them)
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11-23-2019, 01:15 AM
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#6
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Norm!
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Maybe, but I stick with what works and maybe I'm in that generation that prefers real human communication, face to face.
Who knows. Also I find texting can be an amazingly bad communication tool. Not because of bad etiquette, but because its literally got not constraints or filters to it.
At least face to face you can read reactions, and figure out where the conversation is going via clues that people give off.
__________________
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Last edited by CaptainCrunch; 11-23-2019 at 01:21 AM.
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11-23-2019, 01:19 AM
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#7
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Norm!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus
Jesus, I'm so glad I don't have to try this new type of "dating" but my advice from this old fart is a quick call for a meet n' greet over a cocktail or 2, if it feels right have an alternative plan to keep the date going, I always found ladies love pubs with live bands, you can chat during the band breaks and dance during the music. (Females don't change with the times...they all love to dance and love men who'll dance with them)
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Good point, just be careful, I once took a girl out and told her I knew this great place with a great band, and then we got there and it was in my mind an amazing band that did tributes to the 80's. She hated 80's music.
__________________
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
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11-23-2019, 01:21 AM
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#8
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Not a casual user
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: A simple man leading a complicated life....
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Quote:
Originally Posted by corporatejay
honestly Cap, I think your demographic is informing your opinion on the texting.
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I'm with the Captain on this. I'm not a fan of texting and prefer face to face conversations. With texting you don't see a persons body language or facial expressions when communicating. Something all of us use when determining if that person is honest and or true with their intent.
__________________
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11-23-2019, 01:25 AM
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#9
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Franchise Player
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch
Good point, just be careful, I once took a girl out and told her I knew this great place with a great band, and then we got there and it was in my mind an amazing band that did tributes to the 80's. She hated 80's music.
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I think that would be rare, it may not be someones favorite but it's extremely hard to "hate" 80's music. Did she have a bone in her nose or a face tattoo?
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11-23-2019, 01:27 AM
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#10
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Norm!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus
I think that would be rare, it may not be someones favorite but it's extremely hard to "hate" 80's music. Did she have a bone in her nose or a face tattoo?
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It wasn't her thing, she had that whole, this isn't my thing look on her face. She was probably a old hipster soul who swears that she was a fan of U2 before they produced their first album.
To add on, one of the best first dates surprised the crap out of me, I asked her what she'd like to do, she wanted to go hit the batting cages. We went and hit the cages, at the end of it she wanted to try the super fast ball cage, cool, I sucked at it, she did ok. But it was different.
Sometimes the first date doesn't have to be the normal, meal, or pub or movie, or whatever, be open to different things, and really, don't be afraid to ask what they like, or take a chance at doing something different, the worst thing that can happen is you suggest something out of the box, she says no and you come up with an idea together. Or she totally disses you, and then you know it ain't going to work.
__________________
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Last edited by CaptainCrunch; 11-23-2019 at 01:31 AM.
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11-23-2019, 01:42 AM
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#11
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Franchise Player
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch
Sometimes the first date doesn't have to be the normal, meal, or pub or movie, or whatever, be open to different things, and really, don't be afraid to ask what they like, or take a chance at doing something different, the worst thing that can happen is you suggest something out of the box, she says no and you come up with an idea together. Or she totally disses you, and then you know it ain't going to work.
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Funny thing, I took both my ex-wife's and my current girlfriend of 3 years playing pool on our first date and not one of them were any good at the game.
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11-23-2019, 01:49 AM
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#12
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Powerplay Quarterback
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Calgary, Canada
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch
So wait, you get her phone number and proceed to texting and use texting as your primary communication?
People become the worst thing on texting, I'm serious they become the worst sales people ever.
First and foremost, pull the trigger, if a girl gives you her number, call her figure out your cooling off period, one day, or two days and then pick up the phone and call her, keep it simple. "Hey loved talking to you, I'd like to see you, lets meet for dinners or drinks or whatever"
endless texting and so called flirting in text and going on endlessly with it tells her that you're either playing her along because you're not sure, or you're not willing to put in the effort or gesture to move this think along to the next stage. You become a time burgler.
Maybe I missed something but this is what it sounds like.
Meet the girl - excellent
Spark a conversation - Excellent
Do well enough to get a phone number - Outstanding
Start a stream of texting, and flirting through text, but never get around to closing the deal to meet again - Bad
She ghosts you - No surprise there, somebody else probably jumped in that she met who actually closed the deal.
In a new relationship do you know what I use text for - Confirmation. "Hey we talked about this movie that you wanted to see tonight, its at 8 I'll pick you up at 6". "Hey really looking forward to Dinner tonight, I'll swing by at 8".
You're literally to me, taking the easiest way out with texting, its not a romantic gesture, or an effort gesture, its literally the easiest and least thought required thing that you can do.
Don't ever ask someone out on a first date by text, it gives the other person a super easy way out. don't drag things out and use text to communicate, they'll literally lose interest because it doesn't feel like you're trying that hard.
Look you did a great job at the start, you approached a girl you didn't know and got a number that didn't have the area code 555. Do you know how tough that is for a lot of people, and how many people never get it right? Then you petered out and she lost interest. It shouldn't be a thing that's expected, its on you not her.
Text is for ordering Pizza, blowing off your parents for Sunday Brunch, getting a hooker, or confirming an appointment for your proctologist (So like a dating app). Not as a primary dating tool at the start.
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I agree with virtually everything you have said. If somebody else had started the thread, I may have written your exact thoughts.
I am a big fan of phone calls, I call almost all the friends and family and just use texting for what you described in most cases.
I am an old fashion soul in a lot of ways, 34 years old but like I said above, No social media, no dating apps and I like calls. A lot of millennial's really don't do a lot of phone calls except when NEEDED. I agree with you and may change it up just for the hell of it, I got no problem with that and it has worked out well in the past.
For me the biggest change is in the last few years where this has come up and trying to figure it out. One thing I should clarify is that I don't sit there with mindless and endless texting, I much prefer in person dates and getting to see someone. I don't drag this on for weeks or anything and sometimes I have been ghosted after a handful of very basic messages but I get your thoughts.
Thanks again for the kick in the right direction.
Last edited by curves2000; 11-23-2019 at 01:55 AM.
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11-23-2019, 02:02 AM
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#13
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Franchise Player
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Barnet - North London
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus
Funny thing, I took both my ex-wife's and my current girlfriend of 3 years playing pool on our first date and not one of them were any good at the game.
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Your current girlfriend used to date your ex-wife?
Sorry.
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11-23-2019, 02:49 AM
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#14
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Franchise Player
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Calgary, AB
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Does the ghosting happen after anything specific? Like, you suggest seeing each other in person and that's when she disappears? Or is it the opposite where you keep texting and never actually ask her out? Presumably, she gave you the number so you could ask her out. If you never do, she might think she's wasting her time.
Being under 40 and having no online/social media presence can be a red flag itself for some people. She might start asking herself questions about you. Are you trying to hide something? Are you trying to hide from someone? Do you have a secret family? Is the mother of your child hunting you down for child support? Is the law after you?
It might be worth it to just have a Facebook page you never update but has a few friends (with real people), so that you "exist" online. A LinkedIn profile can be pretty unobtrusive. Just fill it out and never think about it again, connect with a few present and former co-workers and you're good to go.
Also, from the online presence perspective, have you tried searching yourself on Google? Do it with all your cookies cleared and not signed into Chrome or anything (heck, do it in a browser you don't normally use and make sure you clear the cache and cookies first). Maybe they're checking up on you and finding something they don't like -- or maybe they're finding nothing, which can be just as bad.
__________________
Turn up the good, turn down the suck!
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11-23-2019, 03:11 AM
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#15
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Franchise Player
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Brisbane
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1. Get on tinder or similar. Never hurts to expand your dating pool and at least you know your matches are interested in dating.
2. While I agree in principle with sealing the deal right away not everyone is the same. Some people are keen to meet up face to face right away, some would prefer a lengthy phone call first, and others might want a couple weeks of texting first. You should definitely gauge their interest in a date right away but prepare to be flexible with multiple angles of attack.
3. Your friends are correct that ghosting is a normal part of modern dating. People are fickle and could ghost you for numerous reasons that have nothing to do with your communication. They may have been scared of hurting your feelings in person by saying no to the number, something has come up like a family emergency, you are a back up plan and they just like the attention, or they just lost interest. It happens. Try not to get discouraged.
To conclude: expand your dating pool, be flexible, and stay patient. If all that fails you can always increase your odds by moving to one of those towns suffering from a “man drought” with 60% women.
__________________
The masses of humanity have always had to surf.
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11-23-2019, 03:41 AM
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#16
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Franchise Player
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Haha do not call.
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11-23-2019, 03:50 AM
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#17
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First Line Centre
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Calgary
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online dating killed dating if you ask me. its so easy to meet someone new these days that the connection you make with someone is all but meaningless. There is simply a new connection just a few taps away, so some people just don't put in the effort. I'd be willing to bet that is why your connections die out and that it has nothing to do with you as a person. shiny new toy syndrome.
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11-23-2019, 04:53 AM
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#18
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Franchise Player
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Texting is just like any other form of communication really, and if a girl is interested in you she’ll be blowing up your phone. And like any other form of communication, it’s easy for a man to come on way too strong and scare girls off, which might be what’s happening.
I would always do the “text test” — after the first date, do texting for a day or two, the. On day three, don’t text her first. Let her make the move. If she doesn’t bother to message you at all, she’s probably not that interested (my wife made it to like 7:45am that day before I heard from her lol).
Granted we were much younger back then and got married in our early 20’s, so I have no idea if the dynamic has changed a lot since then or what dating is like in your 30’s. But, something to try.
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11-23-2019, 05:52 AM
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#19
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That Crazy Guy at the Bus Stop
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Springfield Penitentiary
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How old are the girls you’re dating? Your age?
I agree with the person above that maybe you’re not asking them out quick enough. How much texting do you expect before you make a move, even if it’s just for coffee?
Have you considered your texting isn’t good? (Sorry). Getting a lot of one word responses?
I wouldn’t worry too much about the social media thing but it can be a big deal for some girls. Not to background check you necessarily, just as a means of connecting. You said these start as in person encounters so at least you’re avoiding the online dating app girls who only just want new Instagram followers or to sell you snap nudes. Do a lot of them ask you for your social media details right away? I’m not sure how they’d even know you don’t have an online presence.
Last edited by Cecil Terwilliger; 11-23-2019 at 06:02 AM.
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