Dealing with parents dealing with Dementia

[bigtmac19]

My sympathies to anyone going through this. This thread gives me flashbacks of my parent’s last years and how hard it was, and makes me fear putting my boys through something similar as I get older and older.

I truly think it’s a cruel twist that medicine keeps people alive for much longer but certainly doesn’t address quality of life. It seems to only exist to make nursing home owners obscenely wealthy.

Everything my father’s life ended up being in the last few years was everything he told us he never wanted.

[jonesy]

Ugh, my in-laws dementia was a big cause of wiping out my 20 year marriage, since one of us ended up being the primary care giver and the stress and workload was too much. I feel for you all. Try to not take anything that is said by the person or any of the rest of the family to heart.

[redforever]

Originally Posted by Buff

I totally get this part. My mom understands that my dad has dementia but struggles with who he has become. He's not the same, yet he's not that terrible. She's able to care for him, but resents that and is dealing with a lot of anxiety. Being the only child, I'm dealing with a lot of pressure. I call her 6 or 7 days per week and visit at least once per week yet I get the feeling from her that I have to quit my job, disown my kids and get a divorce so I can focus 100% of my time on them.

She has a lot of ups and downs and tries to make me feel guilty about how she feels. It angers me when she does that, yet I'm now seeing a lot of what she did to my wife. We used to always leave their place (or they leave ours) and my wife would be hurt because of something my mom said to her. She would do it in private, and now she's doing the same to me. As soon as she gets someone in private she says mean things, or insinuates mean things in a very passive aggressive way.

After Christmas my kids said she was such an angry person, one of them wondering what he did to make her so mad. She never even tried to interact with them at all.

If this weren't my mom but a friend I'd just cut her out of my life. Unfortunately I have a duty to take care of her in spite of how she is behaving towards me. I also see a duty to be an example to my kids to show them how to care for my wife and I when we're old and difficult. A duty to make sure I'm senile that I don't treat my kids terribly and have understanding when they can't be there for me 24x7x365.

Have you thought about providing some respite care for your mother? a couple of times a week?

[Buff]

Originally Posted by redforever

Have you thought about providing some respite care for your mother? a couple of times a week?

Yes. She refuses it.

Initially she was on board with my dad going to some programs but he didn't want to and they wouldn't book him into those unless the doctor signed off on his lack of capacity to make decisions. The doctor was more than willing to do so but then my mom refused to get my dad signed up for those programs. She seems to like to be a martyr.

[redforever]

Originally Posted by Buff

Yes. She refuses it.

Initially she was on board with my dad going to some programs but he didn't want to and they wouldn't book him into those unless the doctor signed off on his lack of capacity to make decisions. The doctor was more than willing to do so but then my mom refused to get my dad signed up for those programs. She seems to like to be a martyr.

Some will come to your residence and basically babysit while the caregiver gets some time off to either shop, socialize, whatever.

[Buff]

Originally Posted by redforever

Some will come to your residence and basically babysit while the caregiver gets some time off to either shop, socialize, whatever.

Now that I think of it, she does get out a couple days per week, when she feels up to it, to go play cards with other ladies in the condo. Not much but it's something. My dad just sits on the couch and watches TV or does number puzzles when she's gone. He knows he has dementia and has stated that he's scared of getting lost so he doesn't leave their unit when she's not there. He never has been lost and is capable of taking the garbage downstairs or going to get the mail is is usually back quite quickly but won't do that unless she prompts him.

She says she's feeling more energetic the last 10 days too. They got Covid in September and she was quite worn out since recovering. They're in their 80s so its understandable to take so long to recover.

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by redforever

Have you thought about providing some respite care for your mother? a couple of times a week?

God we tried that with my Dad.

It failed so badly, he manufactured reasons to hate the idea, and the people that would help out mom. He felt he needed to be there 24 hours a day.

We even tried to bring in home care, and my Dad would completely sabotage that.

I think with my Dad especially he felt that we were basically calling him a care failure because we wanted to bring in people to help.

When my Dad tried to commit suicide, and I had him in the MHC in the hospital. At the end when they were going to release him, I asked them about other programs and they told him and me that he could sign up for voluntary respite where he would stay in a facility and get help and coping skills to deal with my Mom's situations and he flat our refused.

Its tough, and when you hear about a care giver fighting against help or respite, its really not that uncommon.