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Old 02-08-2022, 09:24 PM   #41
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I've set up to go and see my folks and take my sister a couple of times a week now. There's still a lot of work to do on the finance legal side, but its not something my parents need to worry about at this point.



The visits really aren't about me or my memories, but my mom even when she doesn't know me from whatever still enjoys visitors. My Dad is having a tough adjustment so far, but he's only been there for four days.


I've decided that on our next visit, my sister and I are going to bring in A+W hamburgers and fries because they are my moms favorite.



Its tough visiting my mom in memory care because its a bit chaotic with people in various stages of this horrible thing.
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Old 02-10-2022, 06:30 AM   #42
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So.....Dad passed away this morning. I'm of two minds. On one hand I am so devastated to lose him...on the other I an relieved that he didn't carry on in a void for years. He went peacefully in his sleep.
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Old 02-10-2022, 07:28 AM   #43
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I'm so sorry Rotten,
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Old 02-10-2022, 08:08 AM   #44
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Condolences rotten!
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Old 02-10-2022, 12:26 PM   #45
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Condolences to you rotten.
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Old 02-10-2022, 12:45 PM   #46
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I thought about joining in here for a while. I just didn't feel like it. I may have commented on another thread before but I can't remember if I did or if I remember the several times I typed out something and then deleted it.

My dad also has dementia. He isn't the same person anymore. He has become very quiet and withdrawn. Some days he'll try to talk and joke. He always liked to tease and he still does, but its become very much joking like a 5 year old would do. He's not good with names anymore. I'm sure he doesn't remember the names of most of us anymore. It is something that I noticed a few years ago that he would accidentally use the wrong name for my boys or me. Then my mom started to get suspicious and they got him checked. Sure enough, it was dementia. The hardest part is seeing him yet he isn't the same person.

My mom really struggles with it, but she has always been a "I'll take care if it myself" type person, so she doesn't let me do much to help. All I find that I can do now is to just be there to talk to her. I'll call her a couple times per week, even if she has already called me once or twice that week. I used to call once a week or every other week, but phone calls have gone up. I can give her a lot of advice for general things like car care and stuff like that. I think I'll take over all of her car maintenance soon. She gets stressed easy taking care of that just adds to her plate and makes her feel overwhelmed.

My dad stopped driving about 2 years ago, maybe 3 now. He would get lost quite easily. Thankfully it was always when my mom was with him and she could ask him where he was going. There was a couple of times where she would say, "You need to turn right in two intersections" so he would turn left at the next one. He knew that was becoming a problem so he gave up his license. He didn't really say anything about this, he just started going to the passenger side whenever my parents would go anywhere.

It is hard to talk about this with my mom. She isn't good at sharing information or talking with everybody. She'll talk to me but it can't be when others are around and can hear. I don't want her to breakdown so I try to accommodate that. My dad isn't a conversationalist anymore. It is hard to talk to him because he is so withdrawn now. I took my mom to an eye appointment and my dad and I waited in the car due to covid restrictions. We drove around a bit but he either wouldn't respond to questions or just brush it off "Oh, I don't know".

He still likes to play card games. So we did that a lot at Christmas. He would get confused and not play cards when he could have or miss his turn, stuff that a person without dementia can be prone to do from time to time, but we'd let it be.

His likes and dislikes of foods has changed. He never ate pizza, fish or chocolate before. Sometimes he remembers, but not often and he'll wind up eating those things because my mom wants to have those things and he'll eat them now.

It's just weird and hard. I still have my dad... but I don't.
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Old 03-17-2022, 09:43 PM   #47
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So I know long past bump, but I think that maybe what I've learned and its on the extreme end might help someone.

So last we talked, we had gotten my mom into memory care, and my dad into independent living in the same facility, and I thought I would be able to relax for a bit. I mean dealing with the banks is a nightmare even with the right power of attorney, etc. I literally want to punch the person running this file in the face. "What do you mean you want my mom with dementia to sign an affidavit that it was her signature on the power of attorney. She has dementia, the fact that you made her sign your bank's power of attorney when she was not in right mind is almost criminal to me". Again do your paper work ahead of time.


Anyways back to my lesson. The problem with my dad is even with my mom in memory care he felt he was the primary caregiver even though he'd signed that away. He spend 8 hours a day with my mom in memory care, disrupted the staff, disrupted my mom from doing the memory care programs and basically became a point of contention with the staff at the resident to the point where I went in and tried to lay down the law. "No dad you are no longer the care giver you are a visitor and that's it", "Dad you need to limit your time with her so she can do the program work to help her". Instead he started manufacturing crisis after crisis.

Now this is personal, but I want to be honest and share because if frankly I can give some nugget of advice to save one of you from the nightmare of stress and anxiety that I've gone to that lead up to me spending several days in the hospital with a heart rate of 150 and fainting spells that almost made me pray to die just so this could stop.

Anyways, after my confrontation with my dad that ended up with him shouting at me I was tempted to tell the facility not to let my dad visit my mom. I left the facility. I had no answers, I needed a break.

That Friday, my Dad walked out of the facility, threw his keys in and vanished. Now to be fair he was living there in independant living, which means he's basically renting an apartment, getting fed and housekeeping and taking part in activities which he chose not to.

My bad, I misjudged the situation.

Anyways, my Dad vanished, the facility didn't call me for a couple of days. I frantically searched and on Sunday called the police for help. A couple of hours later, my Dad phoned me from a hotel on Macleod trail asking for help, he sound manic and sick. So I rushed down and found my Dad in the hotel. He had swallowed 60 Tylenol max pills and was extremely disoriented. I gave him no choice and rushed him to emergency.

Now to my surprise, while swallowing that many Tyenol might not kill you, they will certainly cause chaos to your liver. They rushed him in and admitted him. And I sat beside him for a full day, angry, resentful, terrified. This was the reason why my sisters really wanted nothing to do with him at all, because it causes too much stress and chaos.


In talking to the really professional nurses and workers in the emergency room, I told them in no certain terms that after talking to me Dad there were three suicide attempts. two pill incidents and one and I noticed a deep cut on his arm an attempt to slash his wrist.

Having lost a close friend to suicide about two years ago, I explained that my Dad was a danger to himself, I felt like I was betraying him, I felt like I was going outside of the family circle. But they admitted him to psychiatric care, and he was going to stay there until it was determined that he wasn't a threat. At the same time, I had to deal with a seniors facility that felt that he was a massive disruption and actually hurting my mom inadvertently. For about the last month or so, my life has been in turmoil and I was emotionally wasted. My sisters tried to support me with advice, and honestly I lashed out at them, it wasn't advice that I needed it was a break, and emotional respite, help that was going to be late in coming.

Anyways, I did get one sister on board. We went back to the seniors facility and talked to them about bringing my Dad back. they were lovely but they set ironclad rules. He had to go from independent living to assisted living (a lot more expensive). so they could monitor his medication and mental state. He had to meet with a director of wellness everyday to engage in activities, and to limit his visits to his wife, my mom everyday. That he was going to report spirals and mood changes, and someone would look in on him and support his condition. Also before he was released back into their care, he had to meet with the Director of Care (Who is lovely and awesome) every morning and live up the conditions.

So about a week ago, after spending a month in psychiatric care. And I won't go into how frightening that environment can be. We returned him to the seniors facility. I am happy to report that so far, he is living up to their conditions, and engaging in activities, and reducing time with my mom to about an hour a day, and he's not the caregiver, he's just a visitor.

Now, he's still really kind of sad, on one side, he's seeing the radical slide of my mom into dementia. She's becoming non communicative, she can get aggressive, she tires easily, and doesn't recognize anyone consistently. Its heart breaking on all sides, and we need to prepare for that day when she's entirely gone.

So after this story, here's my advice.

1) If you have to put a family member into a facility, don't forget about the person that's acted as a care giver, whether its a husband or wife or whatever. They have probably been the long term care giver for a long time, and non of us know or sometimes the trauma that they've gone through.

2) Even if you think you have an ideal solution that you think you have. Dad in the same facility as mom. Its not that easy, unless you can convince them that they have to let things go that they're used to doing. Feeding, clothing, hygene etc. They can't let it go.

3) Learn about the signs of depression, and suicidal intent. I thought after talking to my Dad about the gash on his risk, where he insisted that he was in a dark place and that he was past it, well, don't believe it, get help, don't treated it as a family thing. None of us are capable, and you will spend nights with no sleep wondering if you handled it right. (Hint, likely not).

4) Make sure that you get supports for the former caregiver family member. I have a social worker from AHS visiting him to talk once a week for now. The director of wellness meets with him everyday. There's the altzheimer society that can give support to care givers as well. find a way to remove the burden from yourself, and frankly engage professionals. Theirs also the non emergency helpline that's staffed by really excellent people to talk to.

5) As angry as I am, and yes I am still really mad at my dad for the turmoil, you have to get help for yourself, but you have to do the right thing and listen to the professionals. When I was dealing with the psychiatrist when my Dad was in care, I remember at one point when she said, its time to think about discharge, that he wasn't showing signs of hurting himself, that I lost it. I said he was a great actor, that he had done this before, there's no way you can release him. I literally fell apart to my own shame. At that point she just listened to me and said that right now its about getting my dad support and getting him into a more stable and positive environment, and that I'm allowed to be mad and stressed and there's help for that, but to realize that my Dad was suffering and old and traumatized and sad, and if we didn't all work together that we would be back there again. So listen to the professionals. and find them if you need them. At one point after one late visit with my Dad, I stopped and pulled over on the Glenmore and stared at the river, you know the one, and thought about how much it would be easier if I could just end it, no more stress, no more racing heart. No more endless fatigue. But I did reach out on my sisters request to one of her friends who is a Social Worker for help. I just needed to talk and learn coping tools and boundaries.

So to that, I say, set boundaries. I told my Dad if he didn't get with the program and the facility decided he had to go, that I would help him move, but then I was done and we the kids couldn't consent to him seeing my mom.

When he got back to the the resident, I set a strict visiting time for him twice a week, and he would have to engage in actives and find friends, and if he starts spiraling that he had to report it to the LPN on duty. That way I couldn't dread getting 1 am calls.

On my mom's side, gain an understanding of dementia. How to deal with a person with severe dementia and talk to them. Learn when to leave, when they get tired or agitated or angry.

Anyways, the last section is this. I'm sure some of you have said to yourself when reading this nonsense. "But Captain, you seem so normal here". Yeah, one thing I've learned is that I'm good at compartmentalizing myself, and I'm even better at lying to myself. I love Calgarypuck, its a great community, and debating and posting is like a respite for me. There are really times when I write a triggered response, then stare at it and ask the question. Am I mad at the poster, or am I lashing out? Then I slowly delete the post and start over again. But I tend to think that between CalgaryPuck, and coaching football, has given me moments of sanity, and really calmness.

If I can help any of you with dealing with the utter hopelessness of dementia and its effects on you, or anyone else, I'm happy if I achieve that.

As always, if anyone wants to chat . . . I'm here.
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Old 03-18-2022, 02:42 PM   #48
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Wow. That was intense and powerful.
Thank you.
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Old 03-18-2022, 03:16 PM   #49
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Wow Cap.. That's a lot for anyone to have on their shoulders. Thank-you for sharing those immensely personal and tough experiences. I hope among all that you're able to find some moments of rest and peace for yourself.
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Old 05-08-2022, 06:41 PM   #50
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Inspired by this thread
https://forum.calgarypuck.com/showthread.php?t=186246

I just wanted a place to document this. I'm not a writer nor am I posting for sympathy... just posting in case this helps anyone in the same situation in the future.


I am her first grandson.
She had the privilege of watching me experience many of my firsts as she lived with us, forfeiting her retirement years to raise my brother and I with two full time middle class working parents.

How the tables have turned...

She had a big fall on Friday night, and yet we agreed to hold out until saturday. I am certain my stubborn traits come from her.
The pain was too unbearable then by saturday.

I made my first EMS call that day.
I watched her shake when her first ever IV went in.
For her first time, I watched her 94yo body get carried away on a tarp. Her first steps outside in over a year.
We shared our first ambulance ride.
This would be her first hospital admission.
I watched her struggle through each blood pressure test as her thin frail arms were compressed into shaking, fist clenching pain.
I listened as three nurses said “what?” when our nurse said "BP 221/91".
I watched her get taken to her first Xray while I sat outside.
I held her hand as she received other needles for bloodwork, totalling more needles than she’s had in her lifetime. Rotating cold hands coming in and out to do other testing / monitoring.
I watched her struggle holding in her bladder for 10+ hours.
I wanted to bear her pain for her every time she was moved.
I ordered for each pain killer / morphine injection that was necessary.
I watched her get shimmied in pain to use a bed pan because she refused to go in her diaper.
I felt the further struggle when her traditional Chinese upbringing was too conservative to use the bedpan in the paramedic’s care.
I listened to her scream behind the curtain “it’s so big, it's so big” as the catheter went in, and again as it came back out. I don't have clear understanding of why it wasn't to stay in.

I … I had to be the one to translate to her: Your hip is fractured. Your choices are surgery, or lifetime bedrest; for which lifetime bedrest would be limited to a few weeks max due to the complications of immobility, and pain management meds that may cause heart attack, stroke, shortness of breath leading to pneumonia.
I had to translate back to the doctor/surgeon that she’s opting out of surgery due to conservatism. 94 years, never seen a western doctor, never had so much western meds.


I watched for the next hours as she chose to starve / dehydrate herself as she refused to use the diaper still. Spitting out every oral medication she was given. Turning her head from me with each of her favourite foods / drinks I offered.
I watched the nurse stab her first COVID test probe deep into her nose as the tears came running.
I was helpless as was she, for the next few hours as we sat in silence in her new isolation room.
And when I left her bedside to go home to rest, only now, away from her eyes do I let my flood gates open. The ####ing damn time I’m in there my selfish ass is thinking “the ear loops on this mask are causing me pain” as I watch every other medical professional in the area having struggled with this for years, as I watch every person in there struggle through each of their own pains. How pathetic.
My first hospital overnighter, I am leaving with “is this the last goodbye?”, and the sunken feeling of “do I get to come back tomorrow to say the last goodbye?”… to be continued

Update is that surgery is not an option due to ECG and blood count coming back with poor results. Comfort care will continue to the end, with the ultimate management being epidural. The verdict is max of a few days.

edit:looks like my thread got merged?

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Old 05-08-2022, 08:22 PM   #51
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Oh man that's hard to read, and I'm really sorry about your and your grandparents situation. I can't imagine the stress and tension that you're going through.


With my mom with dementia, she's nearing the end. She's stopped, refused to eat, she's lost about 20 pounds in the last few weeks, she entered memory care weighing 110 pounds and she's below 90 pounds now. She's stopped communicating at all, and just violently strikes out at. I've arranged to get my sisters home for this week just in case, as her care is now considered to be palliative, and we were advised that she's not long for this world. .



You're going to go through guilt, first of all the questions about getting her to the hospital right away , which is not your fault. You'll go through a whole other guilt. To be honest, I alternately pray for my mother to hold on, but there are moments, where I pray for her to die to end her suffering, and then feel horrible about it.



I think the one thing that you can do is to make sure that you not only work to support your grandmother and make sure that the time she has left is surrounded by love and support, but support your family members. For example, I'm talking to my Dad twice a day, and encouraging him to see my mom even though his visits aren't really all that positive for him mentally as he watches his wife waste away, but I've also encouraged him to do other things he likes to do, paint, play crib with other residents, work in their gardens, believe it or not I also got him to take a meditation and wellness class, which actually makes me laugh considering that it wasn't that long ago that we were riding out his second suicide attempt, and he was in the psychiatric care unit at Rockyview.



I don't know if I'm sure what my point is at the moment, I just felt I needed to respond to what your going through, and say that all though its wearing and stressful and exhausting, you'll get through it , just stay strong.



I stopped writing in this thread, because, it's tough, and the journey with elderly parents or grandparents is not like the movies where they're smart and wise and generally completely functional, with wise and sage last words or deep conversations, and then they just kind of fade away. Instead it feels like its full of tough decisions and conversations, There are petty family arguments, and administration, and the end itself isn't pretty or in some cases dignified. And the journey for them is not easy.



So its important to embrace the people around you and to somehow if you can gather strength from your family connections. Also if you feel you need it, to connect with a professional, either through the mental health helplines, or your family physician or any other areas to help you sort out your feelings and make sure your in a position to help your grandmother with what she's going through without destroying you. I made the mistake for the longest time, of just repressing things, and dealing with the stress and trauma on my own, and it almost killed me. Don't do what I did.



Take care of yourself, you can DM and ask me anything, if you need or want to.
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Old 09-21-2022, 09:34 PM   #52
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I'm afraid I'm entering the nightmares described in this thread. My 83 yr old father has been steadily deteriorating a little bit more every year since a near fatal incidence of pneumonia some years ago. It's gotten real now.

Much like others have mentioned in this thread, he has become a shell of his cognitive self., most notably his memory. Which leads me to today, when he became disoriented on driving on 16th Ave NW by Center Street on his way home in the far NW. This lead to him driving literally in circles (east to west, then repeat) for 3 hrs. unsure of how to get home. He was hopelessly confused and didn't know where he was.

He clearly should not be driving anymore, and my ask here is - how do I get him to stop? What tactics has been successful? He's been to the mandatory govt physicals in the past, and they've passed him. He is of course - in denial of his need to stop driving.

Has anyone utilized senior care types of business like Nurse Next Door that they liked? I tried this earlier but my folks denied they were needed and sent them away.
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Old 09-21-2022, 10:06 PM   #53
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So a couple of things just because of the bump. My mom has seriously deteriorated, she really doesn't know who any of her kids or her husband is, she really can't converse she's totally disoriented, and she's prone to incredible outbursts both verbally and physically. Its terrifying to see your mother like this.

My Dad has gone into severe bouts of anxiety and depression, he has witnessed the high points where visits are good, and incredible low points where my mom tells him that she hates him and doesn't want to see him again, and she flirts with other men in her ward in front of my Dad which is terrible for his mental state. Today my Dad didn't handle it well, broke down and swore off of visiting my mother again. Meanwhile because of my mom's outbursts we're meeting with the facility doctor who is probably going to up the medication that she's on. That's terrifying, if you've ever gone into memory care you can see a lot of them are just in a zombie state and they just sit all day long and stare at the wall or sleep in place.

So this has created a lot of anxiety with us kids. except instead of going and looking forward to visits we are now dreading it.

Ok though, IHH, My Dad was very much in denial on the drivers license and giving it up, he still believed that he was a good driver, even though a ride with him was like a terrifying combination of a roller coaster and a shark attack. We managed to get his license away only when we got him into assisted living and we committed to providing him a weekly trip to shop or run errands. Its tougher in your situation, but I do recommend honesty. Your Dad will get angry, but with most folks giving up a license is mostly giving up independence, you have to find away around that, that's why you or someone might need to promise a weekly trip or whatever, which is also a way for your Dad to get a visit and a road trip.

We looked at the in home care, but my Folks did the same thing and played up how much they hated the nurses that were sent to look in and provide care. Again, its about giving up their independence. I found it was an argument that we weren't going to win. What convinced the change for my Dad and it was awful, was that he couldn't handle my mom's erratic behavior, and when it got to that point, we were able to get my mom into care, and then when my Dad struggled on his own, and I hate to say this tried to OD twice, he agreed to move into a care facility.

But and I hate to say this, because its been years or hell and stress and anxiety for my parents and their kids. It never seems to end. Just when you settle in to a good period it comes to a crashing halt.

Now we're looking at the next phase. We put my parents into private care, which is tremendously expensive, and is steadily eating up their savings, and we're trying to find a public bed for my mom. Yeah good luck with that, and good luck with any type of plan to keep my parents together or close together when my mom goes into the public system.

Anyways enough of my rambling and story about the derailment.

The getting a drivers license off of your Dad is going to be difficult unless you can replace the loss of independence and convenience of driving with something else and realize that in home care is tough and your parents will fight it til it hits the point where something happens that convinces them that things are not like they were 20 years ago.
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Old 09-22-2022, 07:01 AM   #54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by I-Hate-Hulse View Post
I'm afraid I'm entering the nightmares described in this thread. My 83 yr old father has been steadily deteriorating a little bit more every year since a near fatal incidence of pneumonia some years ago. It's gotten real now.

Much like others have mentioned in this thread, he has become a shell of his cognitive self., most notably his memory. Which leads me to today, when he became disoriented on driving on 16th Ave NW by Center Street on his way home in the far NW. This lead to him driving literally in circles (east to west, then repeat) for 3 hrs. unsure of how to get home. He was hopelessly confused and didn't know where he was.

He clearly should not be driving anymore, and my ask here is - how do I get him to stop? What tactics has been successful? He's been to the mandatory govt physicals in the past, and they've passed him. He is of course - in denial of his need to stop driving.

Has anyone utilized senior care types of business like Nurse Next Door that they liked? I tried this earlier but my folks denied they were needed and sent them away.
In Ontario - his family doctor can get his license pulled.
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Old 09-22-2022, 10:21 AM   #55
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Things, as in all cases, have been slowly progressing downhill with my Dad's dementia. My parents are in their mid 80s and living in a condo and my dad voluntarily gave up driving without even talking about it. He would make wrong turns or go to the wrong places sometimes. One day my parents went for a drive and he just went to the passenger door. My mom was quick to pick up on that and she drove. He never tried to drive after that. He just knew that he couldn't do it anymore so she got him an ID card and didn't renew his license.

I'm a bit lucky with my dad. He knows he has dementia and isn't frustrated or quick tempered like you hear many dementia patients becoming. However he is very withdrawn and not always communicative. He can dress and bathe himself. He can feed himself. He can walk just fine. He hasn't lost a much of his motor skills at all aside from general expectations of being old. His mental capacity is very diminished however. He gets confused easy, does weird things and is quite juvenile in his behavior. He tries to help my mom with things like putting away groceries but has no clue where to put things... this drives my mom crazy! Other things like being non communicative also drives my mom crazy. For nearly 60 years he has been a very calming influence for my mom and that is all gone. She gets stressed really easy and frustrated with him very easy too. As a result her health is suffering and the doctors have determined that many of her symptoms are all stress related. She has lost all patience and is constantly not feeling well and always upset. Due to this she too isn't the same person and her behavior has been taking it's toll on me too.

In spite of my dad being able to live in the condo with my mom, my mom isn't able to have him live in the condo with her. She is no longer mentally capable of caring for him so we've initiated the process to have him placed in a dementia cottage. I think she is torn about doing this but she also knows he is the reason why she is having so much anxiety. I'm torn too because in his current state a person with dementia should be able to stay with their spouse, but my mom's mental health is so bad now and it's taking a lot of my time caring for her... she doesn't seem to care that I have a full-time job, a wife and three kids too. Something needs to be done. I hope the dementia cottage helps.
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Old 09-22-2022, 11:29 AM   #56
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In spite of my dad being able to live in the condo with my mom, my mom isn't able to have him live in the condo with her. She is no longer mentally capable of caring for him so we've initiated the process to have him placed in a dementia cottage. I think she is torn about doing this but she also knows he is the reason why she is having so much anxiety. I'm torn too because in his current state a person with dementia should be able to stay with their spouse, but my mom's mental health is so bad now and it's taking a lot of my time caring for her... she doesn't seem to care that I have a full-time job, a wife and three kids too. Something needs to be done. I hope the dementia cottage helps.
We had a similar situation where my dadís dementia drove my momís anxiety (and incipient dementia) into crisis. One of the toughest things about dementia is couples who were a support for one another through decades of marriage and into retirement become a source of distress to each another. You wind up having to make difficult and unanticipated decisions about who lives where. Not to mention taking on the work of caring for two aged parents independently.

I recommend reaching out to AHS about Home Care for your mom. And the Alzheimers society for advice on other resources, including counselling for yourself.
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Old 09-23-2022, 01:55 PM   #57
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I'm afraid I'm entering the nightmares described in this thread. My 83 yr old father has been steadily deteriorating a little bit more every year since a near fatal incidence of pneumonia some years ago. It's gotten real now.

Much like others have mentioned in this thread, he has become a shell of his cognitive self., most notably his memory. Which leads me to today, when he became disoriented on driving on 16th Ave NW by Center Street on his way home in the far NW. This lead to him driving literally in circles (east to west, then repeat) for 3 hrs. unsure of how to get home. He was hopelessly confused and didn't know where he was.

He clearly should not be driving anymore, and my ask here is - how do I get him to stop? What tactics has been successful? He's been to the mandatory govt physicals in the past, and they've passed him. He is of course - in denial of his need to stop driving.

Has anyone utilized senior care types of business like Nurse Next Door that they liked? I tried this earlier but my folks denied they were needed and sent them away.
Can you talk to his doctor? They might be able to pull his medical.
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Old 09-23-2022, 02:03 PM   #58
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I've been checking in on this thread now and again. My partner's step-dad has Alzheimer's and has really deteriorated noticeably over the past year or so. He used to be the friendliest and chattiest guy. Now he just sits in a chair and asks the same question over and over again. It's so sad.

The real problem is that my partner's mom is acting as his primary care-giver and she is in no way competent or kind enough to take that role on. She has significant mental health problems of her own and she can be quite cruel. There have been several occasions where we have witnessed her yelling and mocking her husband over something clearly related to his disease.

The next few years are going to be hard for the family. My partner is extremely anxious over the whole thing and I've started taking on the responsibility of figuring out next steps - legal ones, if necessary.

Anyway, it is good to come in here and read people's very raw and vulnerable experiences. I'm sure I will have a few of my own when the time comes.
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Old 09-23-2022, 05:28 PM   #59
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My Dad has gone completely off the reservation, I'm glad he's at least in a facility that will make sure that will make sure he doesn't self harm. He's not talking to me, he hasn't visited my mom in several days, because he's convinced himself that my mom is cheating on him in memory care, and he's "Done with her". I can't convince him otherwise, that an 89 year old woman with severe dementia is A) not likely to do that. B) has literally no control over her emotions or herself.

The Doctors there phoned my sister who is the direct contact for the facility that basically my mom is acting out and they upping her meds.

I'm of course now back into a complete anxiety cycle, and being told by my sister to take a break and not try to connect with my Dad and let it lie until we go down for our visit on Sunday.

Its something, how fast everything changes. The worst thing about having really elderly parents is that they become the worst children ever.
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Old 09-24-2022, 12:25 AM   #60
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My Dad has gone completely off the reservation, I'm glad he's at least in a facility that will make sure that will make sure he doesn't self harm. He's not talking to me, he hasn't visited my mom in several days, because he's convinced himself that my mom is cheating on him in memory care, and he's "Done with her". I can't convince him otherwise, that an 89 year old woman with severe dementia is A) not likely to do that. B) has literally no control over her emotions or herself.

The Doctors there phoned my sister who is the direct contact for the facility that basically my mom is acting out and they upping her meds.

I'm of course now back into a complete anxiety cycle, and being told by my sister to take a break and not try to connect with my Dad and let it lie until we go down for our visit on Sunday.

Its something, how fast everything changes. The worst thing about having really elderly parents is that they become the worst children ever.
Holy shingaurds is that ever a true statement. My mom has lost all patience. It has been three days since the doctor initiated the process and she is upset that they haven't moved my dad yet. Her anxiety is bad. I'm really tired of hearing "I just can't take it anymore" and "I don't know what to do" over and over and over and over again.

I am really thankful that my wife has been so supportive and I have a couple of great friends who listen and let me vent.
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