Family tension over will and estate?

[Scorch]

Originally Posted by Twitchy15

The frustrating thing is he just passed I am not even thinking about the money and on the 4th or 5th day after she made a comment about sister getting 50%.

She brought it up again today basically saying she deserves 50% and she raised me to do the right thing and she should get 50% of the money. Also mentioning basically it will sour our relationship if she doesn't


Unsure how to feel since finding out the dollar amount she is now kind of blackmailing me to give 50% to my sister.

I was going to give some money to my sister probably not 50%. But my mom states she is entitled to 50% and also saying because my sister works minimum wage job etc. Unsure if I am being selfish or not just kind of angry she is demanding I do it.

any thoughts or opinions on the matter? sorry for the long read

You are not being selfish here. Please repeat that to yourself. You are not being selfish. This is your dad’s Will, not your mother’s, your dads. If your sister was deserving of any money in his eyes, he would’ve included her. I don’t know why anyone should be surprised that she would see a penny given that she has cut him off from her life

I’m surprised no one has brought this up but it really sounds like your mother is trying to gaslight you. Manipulating you into giving 50% to your sister because “she brought you up to do the right thing”. If your sister was brought up the same way, she would’ve reconciled with your father. Would that not have been the right thing for her to do too?

I’m also thinking the timing of this too. Your mother had audacity to bring this up so soon while you’re still grieving after his passing.

If you want to give your sister a portion of the money, that’s up to you, but please Don’t let your mother manipulate/guilt trip/blackmail you any further

[Twitchy15]

Originally Posted by Titan2

My father was an alcoholic and when he died he left his entire estate to his "wife". I was estranged but my brother still had a relationship with him. I expected nothing and that is what I got. My brother expected something and got squat. I made my choice and am fine with it. I feel bad for my brother. Had he gotten something, I would not expect anything.

If your sister feels she should get something, that is the problem you have to deal with. If you want to "purchase her affection" that is what you should do. You don't really state what your relationship is with your sister. If you are close, then you may want to nurture that by sharing. If not, explain she made her choice to not have a relationship and he made his choice not to give her anything, and you are respecting that choice. Do be prepared to become estranged from her and apparently, your mother. Essentially, you have to determine the price of those relationships if you want to be the 'bigger' person. ####ty situation.

Nice to hear the various different opinions. I have a good relationship with my sister. I don’t even know if she expects any money. I was planning on giving my sister some money, don’t think I personally before thought I would give 50% due to her not being in his life for 15 years and him depending on me to help him with everything he needed towards the end and getting no help from her.

Just kind of angry today is my first normal day since his passing to just sit down and think and she comes attacking me about money and other bull#### not related.

I think in my moms opinion as well is that I need the money less compared to my sister. I’m married and both have normal decent jobs. Where my sister lives at home works for minimum wage and has unknown health problems making her life difficult.

[PepsiFree]

If your sister lives with your mom it just sounds a lot like your mom wants a share of that money. That might not be the case, but that’s just what it sounds like.

Cut your mom out of the discussion entirely, say you’ll deal with your sister about it, and give your sister however much you want to give her on the condition she uses it for herself and herself alone. That, or you can take the money and buy something your sister needs or would appreciate and give it to her that way.

[Twitchy15]

Originally Posted by Scorch

You are not being selfish here. Please repeat that to yourself. You are not being selfish. This is your dad’s Will, not your mother’s, your dads. If your sister was deserving of any money in his eyes, he would’ve included her. I don’t know why anyone should be surprised that she would see a penny given that she has cut him off from her life

I’m surprised no one has brought this up but it really sounds like your mother is trying to gaslight you. Manipulating you into giving 50% to your sister because “she brought you up to do the right thing”. If your sister was brought up the same way, she would’ve reconciled with your father. Would that not have been the right thing for her to do too?

I’m also thinking the timing of this too. Your mother had audacity to bring this up so soon while you’re still grieving after his passing.

If you want to give your sister a portion of the money, that’s up to you, but please Don’t let your mother manipulate/guilt trip/blackmail you any further

Yeah exactly regret telling her how much I will be getting. But I was driving with her when his HR person phoned to let me know and wasn’t thinking. Before that they had never mentioned getting anything.

[FormerPresJamesTaylor]

Personally I would give that money to charity, but some of us are just built different

[Scornfire]

Originally Posted by FormerPresJamesTaylor

Personally I would give that money to charity, but some of us are just built different

Cool

[Locke]

Originally Posted by FormerPresJamesTaylor

Personally I would give that money to charity, but some of us are just built different

Hah! Sorry, I've been involved in hundreds of these. You know how many times I've seen this? Once.

I dont believe you. Lets see what happens when its your turn.

[Ragnar]

Originally Posted by FormerPresJamesTaylor

Personally I would give that money to charity, but some of us are just built different

bruv wouldnt even donate to the van wrap

[FormerPresJamesTaylor]

Didn't mean to offend, some of us just have a more charitable spirit. No judgment

[Scornfire]

Originally Posted by FormerPresJamesTaylor

Didn't mean to offend, some of us just have a more charitable spirit. No judgment

Cool

[Scorch]

Originally Posted by Twitchy15

Yeah exactly regret telling her how much I will be getting. But I was driving with her when his HR person phoned to let me know and wasn’t thinking. Before that they had never mentioned getting anything.

At this point, it doesn’t help you to look back and regret spilling the beans on the amount. If your mother was truly motivated, I’m sure she would’ve found out the amount by other means. What matters now is what you do going forward

If your mother or sister keeps harassing you or they’re unhappy about your decision to do with YOUR money, keep reminding them that your father’s will, is Exactly that. Your fathers last wishes in where his money should go. If he wanted your mother’s input, he would’ve asked for it before he died.

[Scorch]

Originally Posted by FormerPresJamesTaylor

Didn't mean to offend, some of us just have a more charitable spirit. No judgment

Did you also envision the funeral director to announce at your funeral that you’re donating your entire estate to charity, to an applauding capacity crowd?

No judgement either

[FormerPresJamesTaylor]

Already given away and building homes for the less fortunate among us at that point. Also I would never announce my intentions on or offline, tack goes a long way.

[Scorch]

Originally Posted by FormerPresJamesTaylor

Already given away and building homes for the less fortunate among us at that point. Also I would never announce my intentions on or offline, tack goes a long way.

Very humble of you to announce your contributions anyways despite nobody asking

“Tack” indeed

[Cecil Terwilliger]

I don’t think it’s a good idea to continue on your father’s abusive and toxic relationship he had with his daughter. I mean abusive in a more general sense, not necessarily physical, but typically alcoholics can be quite toxic and cultivate abusive relationships with friends and family.

If, as you say, she’s a good person, good sister but was only estranged because your father was an alcoholic, then I think it would reflect poorly on you as a person and a brother to willfully subject to her to one last piece of petty abuse from him.

You should rise above your, to be blunt, rather crummy sounding father.

I also would preemptively reject all notions of you deserving more for associating with him and tolerating his alcoholism and toxic behaviour. While it’s kind of you to maintain that relationship and not abandon him, she shouldn’t be punished for your charity. It’s one thing if one child was a primary caregiver to an elderly parent, then sometimes a more significant portion of assets can be justified but merely maintaining familial bonds with a toxic person isn’t worth punishing someone over. She did what was best for her mental health to disassociate from him. It’s not fair to blame her for it.

To be totally honest, if I were her I’d hire a lawyer if you didn’t share it without being compelled to do so.

I won’t speak to any potential manipulation by your mother. Her also being a potentially toxic/abusive parent, like your father, shouldn’t be a deciding factor when you are evaluating your sister’s stake in all this.

[bluejays]

Firstly, very sorry to hear about your father passing away. Tough situation that most will go through. I'm not a councilor or anything of that nature, but I do have very strong family ties, with both my parents living and would answer it like this.


Assuming your dad was in a good mental state to make his decision, he probably felt you were helping him out the most and deserved the money (whether he was trying to people please the person who stuck with him or not, that was his decision). Having said that, you have to decide what's right in your given situation. You said it wasn't a lot of money, and your mom, like most parents, probably just wants you and your sister to have some type of relationship down the road. What's the point of going through life and bickering about money? While we have no idea about your mom's tone or motives, I think most parents want their kids to be happy and their assets to be distributed evenly. No parent outwardly says I love one more than another, right?


Anyway, on to your sister.


Nobody but your sister truly knows why she removed your dad from her life. Does she have a mental illness where she couldn't see your dad in that state? Does she live substantially far away? Was money prohibiting her from traveling to see your dad? I think most people mock it up to assuming something - in this case could be assuming your sister was indifferent to your dad. There could be other reasons which you could chose to explore with her.


Anyway, if it were me, small money or large, I'd split it with my sibling. If your sibling had a major issues such as addiction, I'd still find a way to give it (perhaps small increments, with provision they clean up, etc.). We all go through life getting caught up with material things, but at the end nobody takes their possessions to their grave. Relationships with people who count, matter. I hope you can have some type of relationship with your sister when all is said and done.

[photon]

I try to give the benefit of the doubt when going through extraordinary circumstances and try to give them the same level of "this is kinda crappy but I don't know what's going on in their head" that I would want them to give me.

Legally others know better but I'll assume the money is 100% yours.

I can understand a parent wanting the money to be split; I'd at least have that desire if I were in the same situation.. I'd want all my kids to get any benefit. So I'd try to see my mom's motivation and not her actions.. and at the end of it her desire is just a desire and doesn't really factor into your decision.

Your sister's past actions towards him don't really factor into it either IMO. She dealt with the situation as best she could. Who knows what was involved, maybe it was a lot worse for her than anyone knows, or maybe not. Again I try not to judge someone too harshly for trying to survive when I don't know everything and didn't live their experience. I've had family live through dealing with an alcoholic partner.

To me in the end it's not about "does she deserve" the money. To me your family deserved not having an alcoholic father. Heck he didn't deserve that affliction. "Deserve" sometimes just works to rationalize our desires when deserve is often out the window before things get out of the gate.

It's not about did she earn it, or not earning it by not having a relationship. The consequence for that is already past; she wasn't in the will.

Whether you share with her or not is a different decision.. it's your decision and should be based on your evaluation of the pluses and minuses in your view; not anyone else's. Since it's your money.

Personally I would share because that's how my family is, but I understand not everyone has that kind of family.

I would think about the reasons I might have for going in either direction and try to understand my motivations..

Why would I want to share? Am I sharing because I honestly want my sister to get the step up help that I'm getting? Or am I motivated by being worried about losing relationships if I don't share? Could be, I'm a peacemaker at heart, that's not a great motivation but I also value my family relationships more than $$.

Why wouldn't I not want to share? In the service of some sense of justice? That seems poor motivation. Maybe my motivation for wanting to share is just because I want to help but I feel pressured and don't want to make it look like I'm giving into pressure.

I would really work out why I'm making a certain decision and make sure it's it's the best decision you can make given the circumstances. And consequences factor into a decision for sure, but you are the one that has to live with the decision so you need to make sure you CAN live with it.

If you decide to keep it could that impact your relationships? Decent chance. Is that "fair"? No, in an ideal world everyone would be able to move on and not let it get in the way of family.. but the fair ship sailed long ago. There's the ideal world, then there's the real world where sometimes we have to just deal with reality and decide what is more important to us.. being right, or having a relationship.

One other thing to factor in too is to not get stuck in a false dilemma of either keep it 100% or split it 50/50. There's many options in between. Maybe a different ratio. Or since the amount isn't huge maybe a way it can grow more to help in the future. Set up a trust for both your and her kids (or eventual kids) for their education or training after school. These kind of ideas might require knowing the exact situations to come up with something that meets your goals.

tl;dr version: Try to have compassion for everyone dealing with extraordinary circumstances and understand how you see their words and actions might not be what they really intend and you might be missing relevant information. And try and separate out the irrelevant motivations and influences and try and make the best decision for the best reasons for your values and goals.

[FormerPresJamesTaylor]

Originally Posted by Scorch

Very humble of you to announce your contributions anyways despite nobody asking

“Tack” indeed

I would never do that

[vegasbound]

Having gone through something very similar, we elected to just settle the peace and give the other sibling, who was estranged from his father, basically 1/3 of the estate instead of going to court and we knew they might contest the will. They had "already gotten their inheritance" so to speak so what was in the will was all supposed to go to my parents. We hired a lawyer and lawyers are still involved as it got messy.



It is not an easy decision.

[Slava]

Originally Posted by Twitchy15

Yeah I have no idea when I will even see any money could be months to a year? Who knows

On the life insurance side, you do need to file a claim. Depending on the circumstances you're looking at weeks to receive the funds, not months or years. Generally, they'll want a claimants statement (paperwork completed by you that briefly covers the circumstances of the death and things like that) as well as a copy of the death certificate from the funeral home. If you need help or have questions that you don't want to post publicly, feel free to reach out and I can help you for sure.