Let's Talk About Kids and Mental Issues

[Northendzone]

i am sure i am not the only parent dealing with the issue of kids and mental health.

my 16 yr old daughter is a high functioning autisic with ADHD and huge social anxiety issues.

We are fortunate in that my wife and i both have benefits coverage, so she is seeing therapists, in addition she qualifies for the disability tax credit, so we have that money put aside for her mental health needs for the future.

we have had her tested and intellectually she is considered in the genius range ; however, she is below average/norms in most other categories.

She misses lots of school and as a result she loses her social connections as her friends move on.

my logical self tells me we are doing everything we can, but what i would not give to be able to put my hand on her and suck all this out of her and take it on myself so she can worry about normal teenager stuff. it kills me to think that she may never reach her potential due to being crippled by this anxiety where she does not even want to leave her bedroom.

this last week has been tough on her as she has not gone to school all week and i guess i just needed to vent a bit........

[Duruss]

As someone with the same diagnosis as your daughter you are doing all you can, early intervention is her best shot. But you can't protect her from the social chaos of the outside world, but it does seem like you are respecting her health by letting her stay home when she needs it.

I don't know what to say, or what advice to try to give, I am an adult completely crippled by anxiety. It destroyed my career and years later I still don't know what to do, but I am here to listen.

Also what's your daughter's special interest?

[Northendzone]

duruss - i hope that you can find what you need.

my daughter is currently into sewing. she ahs gone thru phases where she has drawn, painted and done other crafty things.

She also enjoys learning. It seems that no matter how obscure the topic is she has knowledge of it.

her and i try to go to all the marvel movies together; however, lately the noise in the theater and people bother her so I feel like our future viewings will be at home

[Coach]

Good on you Northendzone. I'm not a parent or have much experience with this type of thing, but it sounds like you guys are doing the right things. Does she have friends that come to visit her when she has a tough time going to school to see them?

[CliffFletcher]

It sounds like you’re getting professional help, which is important. This article in the Atlantic last year puts child anxiety into context as a social issue. One of the reasons child anxiety can be so intransigent is our instincts as parents about how to address it often compound the problem. I highly recommend giving it a read.

The Anxious Child, and the Crisis of Modern Parenting

[photon]

My son is similar, Aspergers and ADD. We did find out pretty early on, but we still went through hell when he was younger, to the point we went through a program at the Children's Hospital where they go to school there and have a team of teachers and mental health experts and doctors and psychologists and psychiatrists and everything monitoring him all day. Coming out of that we got some real changes that improved things slowly over time.

He's in grade 12 now and his grades are very good and he seems to have some social life, though he's still very socially distant and awkward, but he doesn't seem to mind, his need/desire for lots of social connections seems to be small. I do wonder if he's as happy as he could be.

I think the hardest part for us was knowing the difference between what was something that could/should be part of parenting, and what was something that should be accommodated. How much pain did we cause him and ourselves working against him?

If I don't watch myself I can spend a lot of time worrying about what I could have done differently. To the point it's fed depression in the past.

So I applaud you and urge you to hold onto that logical self that's saying you're doing all you can. It plays a big part in staying strong and supportive.

Thanks for being a good parent!

[Northendzone]

unfortunately she is not overly connected to her friends at school as she opted years ago to attend a school that is further away from home, and her friends are scattered about the city. from what i gather, she does not reach out to them a lot, and over tiem they move on.

at the start of the school year, she befriended two exchange students and had them over to the house twice since school started - so that was a positive.

For me i just find it so hard to wrap my head around not being able to just get up and go do something like go for a walk, go to school, a movie etc and i get frustrated with her and the situation and it shows at times - so i will have to decline any nominations for parent of the year.......

[mrkajz44]

Curious for those that have experience with this - how early is too early to be concerned? Our son is almost 3 and seems to be having some major issues with pre-school that he started this fall. He'll hide under a table for 5-10 minutes at the start of each day until the teachers coax him out. On non-school days he actively asks about having to go to school and gets pretty upset thinking about it. We were thinking this is more than just normal separation anxiety type stuff, but don't want to go overboard if he's just adjusting slower than other kids (an "excuse" I'm using is he's one of the youngest kids there, so maybe that is a factor?)

For those that found out about mental issues with their kids, how early was it diagnosed? We've heard early intervention is important so we obviously want to identify any potential problems as soon as we can. I still think we might be a little alarmist at this point though and don't want to jump to conclusions.

[photon]

I think 3 was about the time we started to wonder. We enrolled him at the Boys and Girls Club as they're usually equipped in early detection and intervention. After they said he was likely to have something along the lines of ASD and/or ADD, we paid ourselves to have him tested and then we got a diagnosis.

With that diagnosis we were able to look at different options. He went to Providence school early on.

[photon]

Originally Posted by Northendzone

For me i just find it so hard to wrap my head around not being able to just get up and go do something like go for a walk, go to school, a movie etc and i get frustrated with her and the situation and it shows at times - so i will have to decline any nominations for parent of the year.......

I know what you mean. I've talked to my son about how sometimes I get frustrated and how I don't always do the best thing. I hope he understands that, it's hard to know what's going on in his mind sometimes.

All we can do is the best we can. And if you need support for yourself try and get it. And if you just need to rant, then rant!

[Northendzone]

Originally Posted by mrkajz44

Curious for those that have experience with this - how early is too early to be concerned? Our son is almost 3 and seems to be having some major issues with pre-school that he started this fall. He'll hide under a table for 5-10 minutes at the start of each day until the teachers coax him out. On non-school days he actively asks about having to go to school and gets pretty upset thinking about it. We were thinking this is more than just normal separation anxiety type stuff, but don't want to go overboard if he's just adjusting slower than other kids (an "excuse" I'm using is he's one of the youngest kids there, so maybe that is a factor?)

For those that found out about mental issues with their kids, how early was it diagnosed? We've heard early intervention is important so we obviously want to identify any potential problems as soon as we can. I still think we might be a little alarmist at this point though and don't want to jump to conclusions.

my suggestion is go and get him tested - early is better.

with my daughter she started to really struggle in grade 9 - we did not get into the autism and other stuff until she was 15.

girls present differently than boys.

[BlackArcher101]

Originally Posted by Northendzone

my suggestion is go and get him tested - early is better.

This. From experience, realizing you have an issue late into your 30's.... is well.... not easy to deal with. A lot of damage is done the longer you make other excuses for behavior.

[Cheese]

Our youngest son (age 26 now) has ADHD and social anxiety as well.
We went through hell trying to understand what was happening early on, with little to no support.

As Photon did, we took the bull by the horns and took him to a child psych who helped the diagnosis and gave us a path forward. It got him through high school, but that was it. Any idea of college, trade school, or University, is not in the cards for him.

He is working, although it is a minimum wage job, but he has no desire or ability to push himself for more, and any job that involves the public in any way is a non-starter. He has to be sheltered. Everything he has is because of my wife and I help him push a little further every day.

Night and day from our other 3 children, its a difficult road but one that must be traveled.

[flamesfever]

I was a volunteer with the Canada Mental Health Association (CMHA) Peer Support Group in Calgary for five years, and would highly recommend it. We had parents, of children suffering from various forms of mental illness, who were completely overwhelmed, and wondering what to do next. We would listen to their problems and offer various suggestions to help them cope and improve their relationship with their child. It was often only a relatively short time when we could see a marked improvement in their situation.

[undercoverbrother]

This is an extremely important and terrifying topic.

Our son came to us in grade 7 said he was having self harming thoughts. We got him some help and have been working through it since (he is grade 10 now).

He self reports as being good and seems himself, but I can never get that conversation with him in grade 7 out of the back of my head.

I worry about him.

[RichieRich]

Wow. Never expected to see such a conversation here.... and am thankful for it. I'm not one to share (that much), but many of the comments here hit close to home as well. We've had significant challenges dealing with anxiety, emotions, other mental health challenges, 2 steps forward then 5 backwards then 7 forward rollercoaster, many therapists, medical f-ups (how do they lose test results? referrals? samples? followups? etc) , medical mis-direction, medical pride/ego affecting decision making/effectiveness, etc...

For helping...
Biggest things are "being there"... but not smothering or excessively.
Don't judge.
Expressing genuine interest in their interests, and even attempting/trying, even if you suck or make a fool of yourself
Asking if they're ok to have an engagement - ie talking, hug or hand shake, being silently present
Giving them time and space as well, but also gentle guidance
Acknowledging that sometimes life sucks @$$
Realizing that THEIR path is harder than your own perhaps, and can teach you lessons on resilience, persistence, trust, etc... Sometimes their bravery is asking for help.

Also, and I cannot understate this enough, but DIET makes a massive difference... that includes both what you/they put into their body as well as what their mind is exposed to. A family member worked in natural health for several years and it was amazing to hear the stories of how many kids/adults turned around once they identified and removed specific allergens/sensitivities from their body/environment. For those who have never experienced this please don't doubt it. Just like excess alcohol affects you, so does XYZ affect some people. Of course diet changes are one of the hardest things when 99% of people just want a magic pill.

Anyways, some very complex issues going on everywhere it seems.

[Amethyst]

Originally Posted by mrkajz44

Curious for those that have experience with this - how early is too early to be concerned? Our son is almost 3 and seems to be having some major issues with pre-school that he started this fall. He'll hide under a table for 5-10 minutes at the start of each day until the teachers coax him out. On non-school days he actively asks about having to go to school and gets pretty upset thinking about it. We were thinking this is more than just normal separation anxiety type stuff, but don't want to go overboard if he's just adjusting slower than other kids (an "excuse" I'm using is he's one of the youngest kids there, so maybe that is a factor?)

For those that found out about mental issues with their kids, how early was it diagnosed? We've heard early intervention is important so we obviously want to identify any potential problems as soon as we can. I still think we might be a little alarmist at this point though and don't want to jump to conclusions.

I work with young children with special needs, mostly developmental delays. I wouldn't say be alarmed, or there's definitely a problem, but I don't think it hurts to look into it. If you don't already have a paediatrician, ask your family doctor for a referral to a developmental paediatrician. Another option to look into is Collaborative Mental Health.

Age can definitely play a factor. In all my years in the field, I have come across a handful of children who do well being the youngest in the class. The vast majority definitely benefit from being one of the older ones. A lot of parents consider their child being the youngest in kindergarten / grade one, which can be a challenge. Often an even bigger challenge though is during middle school and high school, when they are less mature, going through puberty later, etc.

If he's worried about going to school, that sounds like a bit of anxiety. It might just be that there's another child he's scared of or the teacher's style just isn't a match for him. Some simple suggestions to try: give him a photo of the family that he can keep in his backpack or somewhere else at school; make a calendar for his wall at home showing the days he goes to school and the days he's home; ask the teacher if there's something (not a toy that all the other kids will really, really want) that he can bring with him to school that reminds him of home.

If it was me though, I would absolutely start with the developmental paediatrician. If there's nothing to be concerned about, you are reassured. If there's something that should be looked into, now is the best time to do so.

[troutman]

I think about how there was little support for children growing up in the 70s. "Problem children" were labeled "hyper-active" and that was about the extent of what I remember.

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/blog/flashback-70s

The language used to describe the people with learning disabilities was derogatory, and no-one was given a voice to speak up about their lives at that time. It really made the young people [today] think how things have really improved since then.

In the 70's people with learning disabilities were not as visible in public life as they are now. There were no characters with a learning disability on the television and many people lived in institutions.

[Duruss]

Originally Posted by BlackArcher101

This. From experience, realizing you have an issue late into your 30's.... is well.... not easy to deal with. A lot of damage is done the longer you make other excuses for behavior.

Yup, the earlier the interventions happen the better. Finding out life will never be what you thought at 34 is rather challenging.



The average age for diagnosis is currently around 7. ADHD according to Dr. Russell Barcklay has a 33% lag in the development of the frontal lobes vs chronological age. So the delay isn't as noticeable at 3 years as it would be at 7, or 12, or 18. Dr. Russell has some great Ted talks about it.

[EVERLAST]

Girls in particular are harder to diagnose than boys but she will with your encouragement alone make allot of progress if you just support her.

My 15 year old son was a challenge when he was younger but he taught us so so so much about ourselves and what we weren't capable of doing early on.

What do I mean by that? We stopped trying to protect him and started encouraging him more to just TRY.....try everything !!!

We told him....if you don't like something then stop.....or change it....fashion it to your comfort level but good God plesse don't quit.

We used to jump to his aid/ rescue all the time only to realize we were enabling him and making it a huge issue of co depending. ....as well as what we did to his self esteem by trying to explain , make excuses for him.

Fast forward to today he's very Independent....learning to cook, do chores.....he makes stop motion movies with Lego and WOW.....amazing stuff.

All of this because we didn't get in the way and just observed him , encouraged him and stopped trying to protect him.

He is very social .....but too trusting still. There are so many opportunists out there just looking to take advantage of his youth and innocence.

We love our kiddos ......ive read this from all of your posts and I think it's awesome.

Love is the death of duty. We do all we can for our kiddos but sometimes we do too much and instead end up holding them back.

Let your kiddo figure it out. Let them fail and fail big but don't tell them that's bad.....or they'll regress.

Also.....us parents need help too so congratulations for reaching out. There's no shame in it.

CP is actually a wonderful wonderful place for resources .....good on ya.....don't give up and embrace thr frustration.....your learning too and getting stronger.

When your children see this encouragement and not a over reaction but a response instead it makes it easier for everyone.