Let's Talk About Kids and Mental Issues

[pseudoreality]

Thanks for starting this thread. It is reassuring to hear other parents' struggles and what they are doing to manage.

My oldest daughter was born very premature. Other than some minor digestive issues, she has seemed to escape any major physical long-term effects. However, we were warned about emotional challenges and learning difficulties. Once she started going to school her emotional issues started coming to light. She dreads going to school and it takes a lot of reassurances to get her out the door. Every morning is so emotionally draining. Same goes for extracurriculars. She wants us to sign up for things like dance, skating, etc., but after a few weeks, she doesn't want to go. She'll be fine, but once it gets close to the time to go she starts having mini freakouts about every little thing.

These issues have been presenting themselves over the last couple of years and it has been really hard to get support because of covid.

[flamesfever]

As parent of a daughter with schizophrenia, and a wife with MS and bipolar disorder, I have spent a great deal of my life dealing with mental illness. I know much of the forgoing may not apply directly to the OP and others with kids, but some of the things I have learned may help:

1. Due to my being a "fixer" in the family, I can sometimes make situations worse. I learned that it is not my job to cure my daughter or my wife.

2. When seeking professional help, it is important to document abnormal behavior, symptoms, etc. It can really speed up the time it takes to make a diagnosis, and get a plan in place. Realize that there aren't that many psychiatrists available, and it can take a long time to get an appointment.

3. Study as much as you can about mental illness, so you can communicate with the healthcare professionals. It is a disease, just like anything else.

4. There are commonalities with people who suffer from mental illness. They often have above average intelligence and can be quite manipulative.

5. Behavior issues can be quite infuriating, frustrating etc. and realize that you have the ability to choose how to react to various difficult situations. Try to stay cool.

6. Try not to be accusatory in your approach. Use the "I method" i.e. bring the conversation back to yourself by saying "I feel like this when you do that, so I need you to do this".

7. A change in your behavior and approach, often will cause a change in the person with the illness.

8. Learn to set boundaries

9. Separate yourself, to some degree, from the person with the illness and get a life of your own. By doing so, you help the person with the illness, as they often feel like they are dragging you down.

10. Don't overconcern yourself about stigma. It is a much less of an issue these days.

11. Learn the phone numbers and places to call in case of emergency.

12. In spite of all the struggles and lost opportunity, I have found that in the long run with faith, hope, love, and hard work, things do get better, and life is still good.

[Northendzone]

There was about 4 or 5 times where I started this thread and then abandoned it.

Glad I was able to get a conversation going.

[Russic]

Originally Posted by troutman

I think about how there was little support for children growing up in the 70s. "Problem children" were labeled "hyper-active" and that was about the extent of what I remember.

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/blog/flashback-70s

I worked with a group of autistic kids once and talking to the parents was very eye-opening. I had an interesting/sad conversation with a dad who said "I'm so happy they have this. When I was their age everyone just called me weird".

[photon]

Get called weird if they're lucky, get bullied and beat up constantly otherwise.

That was a big worry for me when my kid started going to public schools and going into grade 9+.. There were a few incidents where kids have been mean, but in general I'm actually pretty impressed with how well he's accepted and treated by other kids. It seems to be very different from when I was in school.

And yeah having things for them where they can be themselves is great. I can't even count the number of times my son has been asked to leave a program or sport or camp "to protect the integrity of our program". That's despite me being up front with his challenges, having a professional aide that attended with him, etc. For how much that impacts the parent I can only imagine how much it impacts the kids

[undercoverbrother]

Originally Posted by photon

And yeah having things for them where they can be themselves is great. I can't even count the number of times my son has been asked to leave a program or sport or camp "to protect the integrity of our program". That's despite me being up front with his challenges, having a professional aide that attended with him, etc. For how much that impacts the parent I can only imagine how much it impacts the kids

####ing appalling

[Erick Estrada]

Originally Posted by BlackArcher101

This. From experience, realizing you have an issue late into your 30's.... is well.... not easy to deal with. A lot of damage is done the longer you make other excuses for behavior.

I didn't get diagnosed for depression and anxiety until I was in the 2nd half of my 20's. By then I had wasted at least 5 years of my life on drugs and alcohol binging as well as sleepless nights. It's why I nipped it in the bud and had my son at 13 years see a professional. He's still got anxiety issues but it's managed and he's in a much better place at 15 years old.

[Northendzone]

ugh, so after missing most of last week of school (and likely speaking with hear therapists for two hours last week), my daughter went this morning and within an hour asked to be picked up

i have no idea how my wife and i woudl mange this if we were both not WFH and or did not have flexibility in our jobs - it would be an absolute nightmare

[flamesfever]

One of my sons did very poorly in school. I remember asking him if he ever got into any fights, and he said, "Dad, the kids all left me alone, because I was best friends with the toughest kid in the school".

When my son finally left school, he managed to get work as a cook in various restaurants, but at the end of each year when he was due to get benefits, they would hire someone else and let him go. This went on for years when he decided that he should get more education by going to SAIT.

He applied to SAIT, and was told his grades were too low to gain entrance. So he decided to upgrade and applied for funding with the government and was turned down. He appealed and was turned down. He wrote the government a letter and said, "I'm not on welfare, I'm not an immigrant, I'm not doing time, I'm just an ordinary Alberta citizen that needs help". Somehow his letter must have struck a cord and they sent him to a psychologist in Banff where he was diagnosed with ADHD, and told there was no reason he could not be successful with further education. So they granted him funding to upgrade, and he spent the next three years upgrading to a college graduation level with Columbia College, He then reapplied to the cooking course a SAIT where he graduated two years later.

He then got a steady job as a cook with one of the Clubs, where he apprenticed, eventually writing and successfully receiving his Journeyman and Red Seal certificates.

We are so proud of him, It just goes to show that in spite of all the obstacles that some kids have with ADHD, they can still overcome them and be successful.