Slater Koekkoek details 'unbearable' anxiety he suffered throughout NHL career

[Dion]

The 29-year-old was absent from training camp, with general manager Ken Holland telling reporters he needed to prioritize his mental health. No further updates had been given out since, though Holland did mention at the time that the defenseman had hoped to return to the team at some point later on in the season.

"I left the game just over a year ago and thought I would share a little bit of my story throughout the next while in case someone is feeling shame towards their anxiety. You are not alone," Koekkoek wrote. "I left the game because my life inside of it had gotten to a place that was unbearable and unhealthy towards my mental health. I would say I played a majority of my professional games without the ability to eat much, if anything, the night before and the day of games.

"Hockey Night in Canada on a completely empty stomach? Let’s do this, I guess. Anxiety shows up in all shapes and forms, one of the ways mine did was the inability to eat. I would get comments from teammates saying ‘hey Kooks you know the meals are free’ due to my weight dwindling, without them knowing the pain I was going through. I would hear from GMs and coaches that I needed to put on weight if I was to battle in the corners with the elite of the league not to mention the energy needed to complete these tasks as well. That just put on increased pressure."

Koekkoek continued:

"would be asked to go for dinner with teammates on the road. Knowing I wouldn’t be able to eat, I would isolate myself and usually walk the streets settling to discreetly bring takeout to my hotel room so nobody would know if I ate or not. I kept this in as much as I could my entire career. My dad had a nervous tummy growing up, I thought that is all I had.

"But when being continuously scrutinized for my on ice performance it caused a downward spiral. A vicious cycle of needing to eat but physically being unable. Be kind to one another because you never know what someone might be going through. And stop commenting on people’s weight…it’s friggen weird."

https://ca.yahoo.com/sports/news/nhl...013728020.html

[Kidder]

Thanks for sharing.

Really feel for the guy. Must be hard to have the skills to compete but have your career derailed by a mental health condition.

I can empathize with his struggles. At 13 I developed a severe anxiety disorder which prevented me from eating before or during school. I had recently dropped out of organized hockey, but being a sport fiend I continued on with volleyball and competitive tennis, which also often required an empty stomach to survive.

Most school days I would consume nothing but sips of water from waking til returning home. On training days that would mean sometimes my first meal wouldn’t be until 6 or 7 pm.

Not exactly sure how I did it. Experts talk about the importance of proper nutrition for students. My grades certainly slipped toward graduation, nor was I probably achieving my athletic potential. But when the alternative was debilitating and humiliating public panic attacks (or the fear of one developing) you just make do with whatever energy your body can muster on a completely empty stomach.

Making excuses to friends about why you weren’t eating in the cafeteria at lunch, or getting teased endlessly about your skinniness, are also unfortunate byproducts that Slater references in the article.

Awareness of mental health struggles is often helpful, to others afflicted or to the ignorant who don’t understand, so it’s great that Koekkoek is willing to share, and hopefully provides a bit of relief from his private struggles.

Hope he is able to find peace in a new career (if he walks away from pro hockey) that helps him to gain control over his anxiety issues.

[Sandman]

I would also like to extend my thanks, as someone who battles anxiety disorder. I wonder if this is what Kylington is going through right now.....

[Bill Bumface]

I was just going to bring up the Kylington situation, and how completely un-empathetic the "suck it up and play, you make millions, stop whining" crowd is.

[Paulie Walnuts]

Originally Posted by Bill Bumface

I was just going to bring up the Kylington situation, and how completely un-empathetic the "suck it up and play, you make millions, stop whining" crowd is.

A bunch of people wanted to trade him as well.

As a few others have posted here its a daily battle, somedays you feel great and the smallest thing can trigger it. Mentally and physically draining.

[PepsiFree]

Originally Posted by Bill Bumface

I was just going to bring up the Kylington situation, and how completely un-empathetic the "suck it up and play, you make millions, stop whining" crowd is.

And “Be kind to one another because you never know what someone might be going through. And stop commenting on people’s weight…it’s friggen weird." reminds me of the all-star conversation where people saw photos of the players on vacation and started judging their bodies and making negative comments about their fitness.

Fandom (not just sports) has gotten a bit sick, in the sense of how little these people are viewed as people and how often others feel they have some ownership over them just for being a fan.

Even some comments about Sutter lately have gone well beyond criticisms of him as a coach. People need a reminder that they don’t know these people, they aren’t their friends or coworkers or bosses. They are people, and just because you pay to watch them do their job doesn’t mean they owe you anything.

[Erick Estrada]

I sympathise with him and anyone else that's had to battle with this. I think even if I had the talent to play a professional sport my anxiety as a teen and young adult would have totally derailed my career as well. It wasn't until my late 20's where I got help and started to chip away and take control of my life.

[Boreal]

This is similar to the challenges Corey Hirsch faced during his NHL career.

I’m thankful these issues are being raised because they are super important.

The thing about anxiety is that it is a valid, important and useful emotion.

When it’s positive it enables excitement (which has its blessings & curses).
When it’s negative it breeds fear (which also has its blessings and curses).

Either way, anxiety is unavoidable in high stress situations like elite sports, first responders, or health care. What no one wants to talk about is how abysmally it is managed, especially in relationship to burnout.

Bottom line is that anxiety is an intensely personal emotional milieux. It is unique for every individual and everyone can benefit from either having better emotional literacy in themselves or appreciating it and understanding it in others.

[Paulie Walnuts]

Ricky Williams is another person who comes to mind he used to give interviews with his helmet on. People laughed at him at the time.

[Scroopy Noopers]

Originally Posted by Bill Bumface

I was just going to bring up the Kylington situation, and how completely un-empathetic the "suck it up and play, you make millions, stop whining" crowd is.

I cut my income in half and started running off a paper thin budget to deal with this myself. Money is like the least important thing in the world when you have this going on. Sometimes people forget that the people they are talking about are just people.

[Scroopy Noopers]

Originally Posted by PepsiFree

And “Be kind to one another because you never know what someone might be going through. And stop commenting on people’s weight…it’s friggen weird." reminds me of the all-star conversation where people saw photos of the players on vacation and started judging their bodies and making negative comments about their fitness.

Fandom (not just sports) has gotten a bit sick, in the sense of how little these people are viewed as people and how often others feel they have some ownership over them just for being a fan.

Even some comments about Sutter lately have gone well beyond criticisms of him as a coach. People need a reminder that they don’t know these people, they aren’t their friends or coworkers or bosses. They are people, and just because you pay to watch them do their job doesn’t mean they owe you anything.

I know so many beat down and insecure people because they were raised in families who constantly talked about weight and size, myself included. Since having my own kid I’ve been laying the smacketh down on the grandparents for discussing body shapes. I know way too many people who have dropped out of sports, got modification surgery, etc… due to their body image issues.

[Mr.Coffee]

Originally Posted by PepsiFree

And “Be kind to one another because you never know what someone might be going through. And stop commenting on people’s weight…it’s friggen weird." reminds me of the all-star conversation where people saw photos of the players on vacation and started judging their bodies and making negative comments about their fitness.

Fandom (not just sports) has gotten a bit sick, in the sense of how little these people are viewed as people and how often others feel they have some ownership over them just for being a fan.

Even some comments about Sutter lately have gone well beyond criticisms of him as a coach. People need a reminder that they don’t know these people, they aren’t their friends or coworkers or bosses. They are people, and just because you pay to watch them do their job doesn’t mean they owe you anything.

I generally agree with the spirit / intent of your post, especially with regard to commentary from fans.

However, this line struck me a bit: "And stop commenting on people’s weight…it’s friggen weird".

Is he commenting on fans / media etc.? (pretty weird) Or is he commenting on the earlier story he shared about teammates? (less weird) Or is commenting just generally, which includes the team / management (not sure I agree here).

If team / management / coaching staff want a player to be physically bigger, they need to eat. The sport and business requires athletes to be fit and strong so if they are telling him this / commenting on gaining weight it's probably coming from a place of "here's how we think you'll improve as a player" as opposed to the place from a fans' perspective which is probably just pure judgment and I agree, is weird.

Basically, people will comment on athletes bodies because their bodies are the tools used for the sport and therefore are critical regarding team success / failure.

Notwithstanding the above, the team also needs to be well versed with the mental health of a player. But this implies that the player shares with the team what is going on...

[psyang]

I'm reminded of this quote by Karl Menninger that was the preface to one of my favorite books (The Chosen by Chaim Potok):

When a trout rising to a fly gets hooked on a line and finds himself unable to swim about freely, he begins with a fight which results in struggles and splashes and sometimes an escape. Often, of course, the situation is too tough for him.

In the same way, the human being struggles with his environment and with the hooks that catch him. Sometimes he masters his difficulties; sometimes they are too tough for him. His struggles are all that the world sees and it naturally misunderstands them. It is hard for a free fish to understand what is happening to a hooked one.

[the-rasta-masta]

How does the not being able to eat thing manifest itself? Like if he were to eat he would vomit, or just that he has no appetite?

[kermitology]

My anxiety does this to me sometimes. The idea of eating makes me feel sick to my stomach. I generally don't eat breakfast, but a couple of weeks ago I was overwhelmed by anxiety, and couldn't eat anything until dinner time, and even that involved me forcing some food down as I didn't want to eat.

[Erick Estrada]

Originally Posted by the-rasta-masta

How does the not being able to eat thing manifest itself? Like if he were to eat he would vomit, or just that he has no appetite?

Going to a new city/town where you don't know anybody, working with new people, having no friends or family near you. Anything unfamiliar, out of your comfort zone, or trying circumstances can cause a person with anxiety to simply lose their appetite. I've been through similar circumstances when younger and working at plants away from wife, family and friends.

[BigFlameDog]

We are all so different. Anxiety manifests in so many different ways. I eat, eat, eat when I am stressed out.

[OutOfTheCube]

Originally Posted by the-rasta-masta

How does the not being able to eat thing manifest itself? Like if he were to eat he would vomit, or just that he has no appetite?

I get travel anxiety that basically manifests itself as "If I get physically ill, I will have to vomit / diaherrea in this car / plane / bus, so to avoid that I will not eat anything, because then I can't get food poisoning"

It's strange and awful and really the only time my anxiety is really bad. I can't really explain why either, the situation has never actually occurred. I've never even had food poisoning in a regular scenario. But it sucks.

Then when I get where I'm going I actually do feel gross cause the anxiety dissipates and I'm starving.

[The Yen Man]

Originally Posted by BigFlameDog

We are all so different. Anxiety manifests in so many different ways. I eat, eat, eat when I am stressed out.

Agreed. I'm the complete opposite. Whenever I get really nervous or anxious, I have zero appetite, and just the thought of eating anything makes me want to throw up.

[Northendzone]

it is so hard to make it to the NHL period. i can only imagine how much more difficult the journey is when you are dealing with a mental issue