Relationship advice - Sticking with Marriage or not

[northcrunk]

Originally Posted by Slava

I might be in the extreme minority, but I do. I don't really harbour any resentment or anything towards my wife and we don't really argue ever. If we ever have anything that might be a source of disagreement we just talk about it and that's the end of that. I might be naïve, or sadly uninformed, but I would think my wife feels the same way.

I'm not suggesting that we always agree on every single thing, but I just couldn't handle having one week a month where things were frustrating or whatever.

I'm the same. We don't ever fight or argue. We can talk openly and get heated about some subjects like politics but never angry and have never called her any insults. We have 2 kids and sure things were stressful when they were young up until now that they are both in school and are easier to deal with but don't fight with each other about it. I married her because she was my best friend (that was a girl) and we've been hanging out every day since we met. She comes from a Pakistani Catholic family though so her opinions on marriage are more traditional and I would never have to worry about her being unfaithful.

OP sounds like your wife might be having some issues with mental illness (bi-polar/depression/ect) and it might be hard to bring up with her but it might save your marriage if you are there for her and offer support. If it doesn't work out in the end just be mature and focus on co-parenting your kid.

A friend of mine who is divorced has a good relationship with his ex and they co-parent fine. If either one of them starts dating then they introduce the new partner to the ex before even thinking about having the new relationship meet the kids. If you date keep the women away from the kids until you are sure that it will be a long term relationship.

[Northendzone]

I am lucky in that sometimes my wife and I have issues and we seem to somehow work them out because of something little (i.e. one of us suggests doing something that the other was thinking about - like ordering pizza for dinner) that tells us we are more connected than we think and somehow we get thru the rough patches. similar to what toehrs have posted, I'd like to think my wife feels the same way.

this is in a direct contrast from my fist marriage, where my wife and I got to a point where we could not agree if water was wet. once I figured out she was being the town bike, we took a break. We tried to work it out, but I decided that my life without her was better than my life with her. she is now on marriage #3 and from what I hear it seems like she is still missing something from her life

[blankall]

Originally Posted by GGG

If you feel resentment from a fight 5 years ago over dishes then yes you should bring it up.

The goal of an activity like this is to find patterns of behaviour that you do that cause resentment in the other person. Then you get to decide if you want to fix those behaviours by one of the parties changing. And that change is hard work.

In general marriages break down because people can't / aren't willing to change who they are and who they are causes resentment in the other person. So to decide whether or not to stay married you need to identify all of these stress points and decide if they are deal breakers.

Umm...I disagree. There are things that irk you about anyone you've known for a long time. Dwelling on them is often an awful idea. I'd agree about dealing with the big stuff, but you need to let go of the rest. Keeping a laundry list of complaints and rehashing them every so often is an awful idea.

In an ideal world, you'd be able to talk through every little thing and forgive and forget, but that's not realistic, with a wife or in any relationship. Talking about all the little things repeatedly just seems like score keeping. Talking about it once and then burying it, is a different matter. But realistically are you honestly telling me that both sides will feel 100% great about every issue because you've talked about it?

If you honestly feel that there is a way for a person to be 100% happy with every aspect of another person, you're lying to yourself. Relationships are hard, and part of that is just accepting faults (or what you perceive to be faults) and letting things go.

[afc wimbledon]

Originally Posted by blankall

This is just an awful idea. Is bringing up that fight you got into about 5 years over the dishes really constructive in a troubled relationship?

Seems to work for every woman I've ever dated anywhere in the world ever!!

[snootchiebootchies]

Originally Posted by Northendzone

this is in a direct contrast from my fist marriage, where my wife and I got to a point where we could not agree if water was wet.

Me too. Divorcing my first wife was the best decision I've made in my adult life. I'm thankful I never had kids with her. My life so far with my second wife and our two kids has been wonderful and I feel lucky and grateful.

[DoubleF]

I know the 5 year thing about dishes is being shrugged off, but IMO it's important. Why? It points at something that has a deeper root cause.

5 Apology language is helps to resolve some of these things. I once upset my wife. It took 6 or 7 months to resolve and I actually only accidentally resolved it. My wife and I realized this communication disconnect after doing the exercise after the fact. I'm sorry if I.../I'm sorry but... and I'm sorry that you... are all obvious non-genuine fouls in terms of apologies for instance, but some genuine apologies can feel this way to some people. Apology language helps with this disconnect.

The issue wasn't that I messed up something. It's that I did not properly resolve the issue in a way that my wife felt like she wanted to say "apology accepted". Some might think it's petty, but it's not. It's literally an extremely minor difference that causes individuals to feel you're being genuine in your apology, or just going through actions. Learning how to apologize means you can wrap up loose ends and have things resolved properly.

Another thing is to sit back and understand why you're fighting rather than let things keep going. As stupid as this sounds, my wife and I used to get into all sorts of stupid spats due to being "hangry". Again, the issue is communication, but having the right type of communication can either help to dissipate it, or throw fuel onto a spark and starting all out destruction. Personally I'm embarrassingly sad that I can be disarmed via a snack. That Snicker's commercial has more truth than some realize. It's stupid that nitpicking small things can turn into a multi hour argument if one of my wife and I don't keep the other in check, but such is how life works I guess.

Communication is definitely huge. But how you communicate on occasion is a detail that should be scrutinized in detail. Communication is not purely a husband/wife issue. It's anyone interacting to anyone.

[OutOfTheCube]

Originally Posted by pseudoreality

There are others like us too. I've been with my wife for 10 years (married 5) and we are on the same page 95% of the time. The 5% of the time we aren't, it's no big deal. My wife and I are both easy going, honest people. I was once told I have an amazing talent of being able to tell people off without offending them. For example, if someone at work has a stupid idea, I just point why its a stupid idea and move on. I don't make it personal, but I also don't dance around the issue being sensitive the person's emotions.

Yeah I brought the 75/25 comment up to my wife and we agreed that sounded unhealthy, that we were about at 95/5 too (married almost 4 years, got 2 kids under age 3).

[Peanut]

Originally Posted by GGG

If you feel resentment from a fight 5 years ago over dishes then yes you should bring it up.

The goal of an activity like this is to find patterns of behaviour that you do that cause resentment in the other person. Then you get to decide if you want to fix those behaviours by one of the parties changing. And that change is hard work.

In general marriages break down because people can't / aren't willing to change who they are and who they are causes resentment in the other person. So to decide whether or not to stay married you need to identify all of these stress points and decide if they are deal breakers.

I think the only thing you can really control in your relationship is yourself. So "forcing" or hoping the other person will change is kind of putting the responsibility on the external party. The only thing you can control is whether or not their actions/behaviours are worth being resentful over, and/or if they are truly deal breakers. Ie the main thing we have control over is doing our best to accept our partners as they are. Nobody is perfect.

[Mathalete]

I'll echo what some have said: talk to a professional. See if what you have with your wife is worth working through. See if you can dig to the root of your and her issues.

I am a child of divorce. My parents tried to do their best, but they did an awful job during this time. At the beginning, maybe they were lying to themselves even but the thought of still being friends was floated. Instead, they constantly talked one another down in front of me, and it was unquestionably the hardest 4-5 years of my life with them going through the divorce & all the unpleasantness that ensued. And even as a nearly 40 year old man, I have to walk on eggshells to even mention my mom in front of my stepmom. So if you should go down this route, please ensure to do everything to shield your children from any animosity that may exist between you and their mother.

I'm a big believer in trying hard to make something work. All relationships have peaks and valleys. Only you know when the "point of no return" has been reached. Hopefully, if you are able to improve positive communication with your wife, then good productive conversations will give you clarity in terms of what the future holds.

Either way, this sounds like an incredibly trying time for your family. Good luck.