I wouldn't trade my kids for a billion dollars and world peace. That being said they can be major ####heads sometimes and life would be easier financially without two dependents. I don't judge people who have regrets.
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This jumped out at me. Actual parenting is pretty easy once you drop out all of society's expectations on you. In terms of time commitment it can be managed. You just have to make the choice to be an adequate parent and not the perfect parent. And to ensure that you take time for yourself to do the things that you want even if it comes at the expense of something your child wants.
I'm not saying that people shouldn't regret having children and some do it much more sounds like they regret how they allowed the institution of parenting to affect their life.
Exactly this. We have four kids and it's pretty simple. People put so much unnecessary pressure on themselves. I have no idea why they think that will actually be better for their kid.
Spend time with your kids. Life is pretty simple if you want it to be.
Being a parent is the best thing that ever happened to me. My wife feels the same way. But that doesn't mean it's for everyone. My wife and I don't have careers, we have jobs. And we'd gladly quit them tomorrow if we could support ourselves otherwise. A lot of people who resent children have careers that they derive a tremendous amount of satisfaction and status from. My wife and I don't, which I suppose is why we don't feel our children have imposed any great sacrifices on us.
I think any marriage where one person isn't really interested in raising kids is likely to run into problems if they decide to start a family. These days you really do need two committed parents to make it work.
But I think the biggest reason families are under so much stress these days is the outrageous expectations around child-rearing as practiced by middle-class and upper-middle-class North Americans. The sports, the enrichment activities, the clubs, classes, and fundraisers. When I was a kid, my parents put a roof over our heads, clothes on our bodies, and fed us three meals a day. Besides that, we were mostly on our own. Our activities and leisure time - which was pretty much every hour we weren't in school or eating dinner at the table - was our own to do with as we pleased. It certainly didn't involve schedules and driving and parental supervision six days a week.
And I think we need to recognize that this dramatic ramping up of parental duties, this quasi-competitive approach to parenting, was put in place mainly by mothers. There's a reason mommy blogs are way more of a thing than daddy blogs. It's moms who turned child-rearing into a kind of aspirational vocation. And if we're going to ease off the pedal on hyper-parenting, it's moms who will have to take the lead.
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Originally Posted by kunkstyle
There's a huge social stigma about admitting you regret having kids that exists in absolutely nothing else, which I believe partly exists because the idea of having kids is romanticized like almost nothing else.
Part of the stigma of coming right out and publicly stating you regret having kids is because it can't be good for kids to hear they're unwanted. It's not as though they have any choice. It would be like saying you regret getting married to someone who you plan to spend the next 20 years with. How can that be healthy?
Some decisions we just have to live with. Being a parent isn't what some people hoped it would be? That's ####ty. But once you take on the responsibility for a person's upbringing, that's for life. It's a duty you can resent, but that doesn't make it any less of a duty.
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Originally Posted by fotze
If this day gets you riled up, you obviously aren't numb to the disappointment yet to be a real fan.
Last edited by CliffFletcher; 01-17-2018 at 01:38 PM.
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I started my education later, so I'm working on a masters degree at 32, with a few years to go. My fiance and I go back and forth on wanting kids, but by the time I'm done school, I feel like we might be too old to start (34 & 35).
If we don't, I'm sure I'll have some regret, but we'll still enjoy our less complicated life together.
To be fair, the age / biological clock thing is really geared towards women. Men can continue to plant their seed in all the forests, it just really matters if the soil is fertile!
I think it would be better to track people's answers yearly over 40 or 50 years. It's no wonder people with babies or toddlers regret having kids. You'd have to be an idiot to enjoy changing diapers, dealing with crying and tantrums, and all the other non-stop 24/7 work that goes along with having small children.
I'd be curious if these parents still regret having kids when they're in their 50s, 60s and 70s. I kind of doubt it unless they have a really crappy kid.
I agree...the payoff comes as the kids grow older
honestly I can't imagine being 60 or 70 without kids/grandchildren...there might be a deathbed regret to dedicate your life to something like a career which in the grand scheme of things is pretty meaningless IMO.
- I can't speak to what women/moms go through -- that's such a different experience on so many levels
- My kids also haven't hit the teen/adult years yet so I'm still enjoying my (noisy, messy, sometimes disgusting) little bubble
- Parenting is effing hard and draining at the best of times; in many ways I'm surprised those stats aren't higher
- We've resigned to the position that if the kids are still alive at the end of the day, we've done our job. Sure it's nice to spoil them at times, and we do what we can to support their growth and development as little humans. But anything above and beyond is optional, and we've tried to set our kid's expectations that way (it's almost harder to set your own expectations as a parent to reflect that).
- If birth rates are down, hopefully that's a good thing -- means less competition for my kids to succeed
Expectations are a big thing as well. We are fortunate enough to have the ability to pay for child care for our kids. As a result, my wife and I have been able to continue on with our careers and both admit that we are better parents because we are able to go to work, be ourselves, act like adults, and spend time with our kids, mornings, evenings and weekends. Most people might feel guilty about not wanting to be a stay at home parent, but we aren't, I think it would be very very difficult.
You also need to make time for yourself. First, you should make sure you have couple time and second "bro/girl" time. If you don't and you do nothing for yourself, you will come to resent all of it.
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Another factor at work in making parenting stressful today is the lack of support from extended family, friends, and neighbours. Parents today often live away from their own parents and siblings, and don't have close friends nearby or neighbours they can rely on.
We're fortunate that both sets of parents live in town, and we have a network of close, longtime friends with kids the same age. Without those supports to help with child care, do activities with, etc. being a parent would be a lot tougher.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fotze
If this day gets you riled up, you obviously aren't numb to the disappointment yet to be a real fan.
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Well that's pretty far from what the article is about.
Anyways, I thought this passage was interesting.
I don't think so at all - neither person in the article truly wanted to have kids, they did so because of an idea of a family. If any gender bias exists in parenting today, it is simply because someone isn't pulling their weight i.e. you have a crumby spouse who is putting themselves first more often than naught. In my experience, if both parents want to be home, involved and share the duties involved, parenting is a lot of fun.
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Last edited by Hot_Flatus; 01-17-2018 at 01:55 PM.
This jumped out at me. Actual parenting is pretty easy once you drop out all of society's expectations on you. In terms of time commitment it can be managed. You just have to make the choice to be an adequate parent and not the perfect parent. And to ensure that you take time for yourself to do the things that you want even if it comes at the expense of something your child wants.
I'm not saying that people shouldn't regret having children and some do it much more sounds like they regret how they allowed the institution of parenting to affect their life.
I asked in a different thread whether or not you have children and didn’t get any response. Based on these types of posts I’m starting to think the answer is no.
Parenting isn’t easy. You are on call 24 hours a day 365 days a year. If you get sick or hurt there’s no sick days where you can just phone in. Sure your spouse can help in those cases by taking time off, but even then there’s only so much you can do because you still need an income to live and raise kids. Every kid has their individual needs and in many cases there are children with special needs who require even more attention. Being a single parent has even more challenges because you don’t always have someone to rely on when the going gets tough. Try telling a parent of a colicky baby or of a child with special needs that what they’re dealing with is easy. Or even a parent not dealing with those issues who works a regular 9-5 but has to run around all weekend going to birthday parties or lessons. When you have kids it’s not like getting a pet. You don’t always have time(or money, raising kids ain’t cheap) to go for a beer with your buddies as you please or to have as many hobbies, which are essential for most people to keep their stress levels in check. I have 2 children and by no means find parenting overbearing and even if I did nothing could ever make me regret having children, but to call it easy is a pretty broad(and in my view very inaccurate) statement.
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Raising children is challenging obviously, and requires a great deal of sacrifice and compromise. It is certainly understandable that a lot of people, while in the seemingly endless position of having to run their kids around everywhere, would feel a degree or regret or remorse.
But I wonder how many of those people continue to feel that way as their children grow up and become adults and the relationship matures. Also, grandparenting.
Raising kids is hard. But having a family is well worth it, IMO.
Took my time becoming a parent. Didn't have my first until I was 36, 2nd on the eve of turning 40. Worked out pretty well. Much more prepared at that age I think. My own parents had 2 kids at age 23, can't imagine how crazy that would have been.
In the article, there's a lot of regret, I think, for some of the things you have to go through as a parent. I get that and I feel some of it. Free time is a memory. Their activities take up a ton of my time. I also enjoy a lot of the things I have to take them to.
For me, the positives far outweigh the negatives.
I don't understand "societal pressure" to have kids. I couldn't care less about what society thinks I should do.
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We waited a while before having kids, when we finally started having them I had wished that we started earlier. We’re tired all the time, and very little us time; but to get through this season we remind ourselves of how fast they grow up (which anyone with kids knows), spending 7 or 8 years getting through the younger years is really going to flash before our eyes. That’s what keeps us going, recognizing that in the grand scheme of things, each phase of life is pretty short. I also personally feel it’s an important stage of life that shifts your perspective towards others. There’s really value in being sacrificial and others focused, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss doing what I want to do whenever I want; just see value in it. And of course the kids give back lots of rewards along the way.
I’m sure the teenage years will bring a different type of demand upon our life, but for now that seems like it will be a nice change to not have to strap every kid into a car seat every time we want to go anywhere.
I couldn’t imagine being a single parent though...that would be extremely hard for sure. Always amazed at the adaptability of parents though, even those that end up with special needs and high demand children seem to rise to the task and find capacity.
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I love my kids more than anything but man are they a lot of work. I'm more of a servant than parent. Ultimately I don't regret it as the good definitely outweigh the bad. I realize how little I used to do for other people until everything I did was basically for other people.
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Am single, never married, no kids, and its probably too late for me now.
I wish I had been less selfish when I was younger, and instead of focusing on career, lifestyle etc. had committed to a relationship and started a family.
Part of the problem now is that I find myself having less and less in common with my friends and colleagues at the office, all of whom (for the most part) have kids in their teens and spend much of their time with their families.
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To be fair, the age / biological clock thing is really geared towards women. Men can continue to plant their seed in all the forests, it just really matters if the soil is fertile!
Actually, in terms of likelihood of genetic defect in the child I've read that the age of the father is more significant. While we can still get ladies pregnant as we age, the likelihood of the child having health issues increases, and quite quickly.
Nonetheless, I'm just waiting on cloning myself with a few upgrades.
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"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
It is refreshing to see a mother being honest about the challenges of parenthood. I regularly read and hear from parents going on about how it is the greatest thing ever and they love every second of it and I always think they have to be lying or are in denial.
My wife and I were on the fence about kids and ended up having one by accident. My daughter is amazing and we don't regret anything however it was a major life changing event which has come with a lot of work and stress. The biggest change is being fully responsible for the well being of a tiny human which was a shock to someone who has always done whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. The lack of money has also been stressful going from being a big spender and travelling a lot to now having to stick to a tight budget.
We have thankfully settled into a routine and things are always getting easier. That said we have both decided we are one and done.
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