‘I regret having children’

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by annasuave

When I was a teenager, my mom sat me and my older sister down and told us about the time when her mom sat her and her sister down and told her "I love you both, but I knew then what I know now, neither of you would ever have been born". My mom echoed that sentiment to us. Althogh she wouldn't trade either of us for anything, she said that if she had it all to do over again, she wouldn't. Six years later, my older sister had a baby. She told me that while she would cheerfully rip out the beating heart of anyone who tried to harm a single hair on her son's head, she would not have made the same choice if she had it to do over again.

Me, I listened to the advice of my grandma, my mom and my older sister. Sure, sometimes I wonder what might have been if I'd had kids. But then again, my handbag is free from baby vomit and has nothing but disposable income in it.

What your mom said to you was mean. True or not, she shouldn't have said it.

[V]

Super messed up that it's become some kind of generational past-time.

[81MC]

Yeah, that's kind of ruthless.

[JohnnyB]

I think that's kind of a funny tradition. Good candidate for the Darwin Award family tradition though.

[GGG]

Originally Posted by annasuave

Nah. That's just a run of the mill straw man logical fallacy.

I think the question is reasonable. It's unclear if reapers is point is that given the choice have kids earlier or if you are old don't have kids. One is advocating for him not to exist. (I suppose both kind of are as the particular sperm he is wouldn't have existed at any other time).

So I think it warrants clarification and it certainly isn't a straw man as I asked a question (a question can't be a logical fallacy?)

[sketchyt]

I never wanted kids. Found a wife who felt the same way. Our 20’s were awesome, filled with amazing vacations, stuff buying, going to pound town whenever, and the ability to just pick up the keys and go anywhere.

Then our dads, one after the other, got sick and died.

I liked those people and I don’t like many people. Not genuinely at least. I figured the only way to have more people in my life that I like was to make them.

So we have a kid and he’s crazy. I don’t miss the vacations too much, just buy less stuff, and now have to plan to go to pound town.

So people look to me and ask if they should have kids seeing as I was so adamant to not have them. I always say that it’s just a choice and that’s it. For me, I get to enjoy things all over again. I can have fun doing anything with that kid. Go on a bus ride, sledding, the zoo... anything.

If you don’t, yeah those vacations sound pretty awesome too. Just don’t be one of those aholes who let the world know how much better it is with or without kids.

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by GGG

Are you saying you would prefer not to exist?

Don't be ridiculous. As someone who exists I can say that I greatly prefer it to the alternative. Being unable to reverse time I'm not going to entertain the portion of your show which involves me stating that I wished I'd never been born.

[Peanut]

I don’t regret my children, although I might change my mind if any of them grow up to use the term “pound town”.

[Shazam]

I had to look up that term. Man I'm old. And here I was envisioning a place with delicious pound cakes.

[cracher]

Originally Posted by Sliver

What your mom said to you was mean. True or not, she shouldn't have said it.

She said that to a teenager, not a real young kid who can't separate out the if A, then B equals C. As described, I see it as the mom expressing how super difficult it is to raise a kid but it doesn't break her stride in being a mom. A warm sentiment from my perspective.

[4X4]

Originally Posted by Sliver

What your mom said to you was mean. True or not, she shouldn't have said it.

Coming from the guy that's unafraid to say exactly what he thinks? You weren't in the room for the conversation, so how can you say it was mean? Do you assume that everyone is as blunt as you? I bet it was brought it up tactfully, and there was some explanation.

I will have a similar conversation with my daughter when she's around that age. I'm going to tell her that had I been 10 years younger when I became her father, I know I would have been very regretful and probably resentful. I will stress to her that she needs to think about her own life before she takes on the responsibility of someone else's. It's not a mean conversation, it's a wise one.

[Northendzone]

is there really societal pressure to have kids. when my wife and I got married, I don't recall anyone asking us if/when we were going to have kids - but perhaps I was oblivious to it.

I waited until later in life to have kids (I was 35ish) and was more settled in my life and as a person. I was also in a relationship that was not as dramatic as my two prior major relationships.

I think the key is to make sure you are ready as a person.

[Northendzone]

one other comment I would add is that sometimes kids seem overscheduled, but in some ways it can be a good thing.

my son currently plays quadrant hockey, so they are playing/practicing 4-6 times per week. right now some of my friends sons are getting into partying, drinking and vaping - and right now my son has limited time for that stuff and even more, he seems to have a limited interest in that as well.

[Coys1882]

Originally Posted by Manhattanboy

Am single, never married, no kids, and its probably too late for me now.

I wish I had been less selfish when I was younger, and instead of focusing on career, lifestyle etc. had committed to a relationship and started a family.

Part of the problem now is that I find myself having less and less in common with my friends and colleagues at the office, all of whom (for the most part) have kids in their teens and spend much of their time with their families.

Have you considered donating some time to the Big brother or sister club in Calgary? It might scratch that itch for you and its a fantastic way to make a difference in someone else's life.

[CroFlames]

Originally Posted by Sliver

I think it would be better to track people's answers yearly over 40 or 50 years. It's no wonder people with babies or toddlers regret having kids. You'd have to be an idiot to enjoy changing diapers, dealing with crying and tantrums, and all the other non-stop 24/7 work that goes along with having small children.

I'd be curious if these parents still regret having kids when they're in their 50s, 60s and 70s. I kind of doubt it unless they have a really crappy kid.

I came to the thread to say this exact thing.

My parents are nearing retirement and when their kids and grandkids come over on Sundays it's basically heaven for them. My dad is like a fat kid in a candy store when the babies/toddlers are around. He still enjoys a good political or sports talk battle with me. They just love having the 'family' together. I heard some of my parents friends say they are jealous of my parents, despite their friends have much more material wealth.

[dubc80]

Originally Posted by OMG!WTF!

I wonder if the way you are raised has anything to do with your desire to have kids. And even though I don't have any I can not for the life of me understand dead beat parents. I've known a couple dads who have very little to do with their kids and it upsets me greatly. If they were mine I'd be all over it.

I'd agree with this.

Chances are if you had a great childhood and have positive relationships with your siblings and parents, you're probably going to want to replicate the experience you had growing up by having your own family.

As others have commented, its way different for moms than dads. Guys have it much easier based on expectations and societal pressures. Lots of moms put unrealistic expectations on themselves so its part of our jobs to keep that in check. Guys seem to have a more relaxed parenting style which gets us through the worst times (which suck, but don't last forever!!!)

I taught my 3 year old son how to tape a hockey stick this week and he was really excited to immediately go downstairs and play mini-sticks and "snipe G's".

That made me really happy. Those teaching moments are the ones I really cherish and make parenting really rewarding and fun.

[undercoverbrother]

Originally Posted by dubc80

Chances are if you had a great childhood and have positive relationships with your siblings and parents, you're probably going to want to replicate the experience you had growing up by having your own family.

I didn't have a great childhood. More than once my dad said to me before hitting me "you might not have done anything this time but you will later on".
My relationship with him is highly dysfunctional. A very good friend of mine had an upbringing that makes mine look story book.

Yet we both have children, and when we talk about life/kids/parenting we both agree that our experience drives our desire to be good parents. To be clear that doesn't mean rolling over and giving the children what they want without question, but to be fair and honest with them.

I can't control the father the universe gave me, but I can control the father the universe gave my kids. I work hard to make sure there life and experience is great than mine ever was.

I am thankful for my kids.

[dubc80]

Oh yeah, the other thing which sucks about parenting is that your formerly cool, hip, sexy, fun and relatively carefree girlfriend or fiancée instantly switches into LAME MOM MODE and worries about everything to do with the kids, even though everything is perfectly fine and dandy.

That should go into the Grinds My Gears Thread.

[Hockeyguy15]

^^
Wow.

[Table 5]

I would say my life before kids had more general happiness, fun, and career momentum, but my life since kids has brought a deeper sense of purpose. It's a bit of an instant gratification vs long term satisfaction thing. It would be a lie if I said I didn't miss the freedom of the former at times, but I think I'm generally a better and less selfish person because of my children.

Everyone is free to make their choices though, and I don't begrudge anyone for not having kids. Although I do admit that it has become harder to relate to people who don't have them.