‘I regret having children’

[CaptainCrunch]

being a personal helicopter to your kids is a lot of work and probably exhausting

[DownhillGoat]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

I could go around to every CalgaryPuck member and ask them if they regret having kids, or took the career path they did, or married the mate they did or any of a million of the serious life altering decisions and the over whelming answer would be "Yes I regret doing it

The difference is if they wrote a book about regretting their career choice, they wouldn't have had a critic suggest they be burned alive or that they must be a terrible employee and their employer deserves a better employee.

There's a huge social stigma about admitting you regret having kids that exists in absolutely nothing else, which I believe partly exists because the idea of having kids is romanticized like almost nothing else.

Similar to when one asks me if I'm having kids. When I say"no", I always get the response "Well, maybe you'll change your mind". That answer is pretty much unacceptable or unused for any other question.

If I was asked if I was buying a Ferrari on the weekend, taking a trip to Winnipeg for my vacation, or if I was going to start cheering for the Oilers, a response of "Well maybe you'll change your mind" would be outright ludicrous.

[Engine09]

It's nice to hear people being a bit more honest, seems like just a few years ago no one would dare say they regret decision or more accurately their irresponsibility. People are usually so full of ####.

But yes, I've had 3 women recently reveal to me that they wish their had their old life back and it was a bad decision.

Oh yeah, kids are a gift and a blessing. I'll take your word for it.

[Sliver]

I think it would be better to track people's answers yearly over 40 or 50 years. It's no wonder people with babies or toddlers regret having kids. You'd have to be an idiot to enjoy changing diapers, dealing with crying and tantrums, and all the other non-stop 24/7 work that goes along with having small children.

I'd be curious if these parents still regret having kids when they're in their 50s, 60s and 70s. I kind of doubt it unless they have a really crappy kid.

[Tiger]

Originally Posted by Iggy City

Side note: I don't have any kids (yet).

But that “All his schoolmates do it, so if he doesn’t, he’s left out.” comment irked me. You don't always have to say yes to your child. It's okay to say no and be stern!

the "i don't have any kids" comment say it all. It is absolutely funny the pressures you feel from other judgmental parents and the unrealistic expectations that your kid has to be able to be exposed and excel at everything. It is all perceived stress, but it is there, and it is unrelenting too. The kids feel the same pressure of it too, and basically it is all to do with social media. I was once like you, had the same opinions, was well rested, played video games... but man do you feel the wrath of unrealistic expectations once you have kids, like 'you better breastfeed or you'll have no attachment to your kid and they'll fail out of university and hate their life"

[OutOfTheCube]

So she didn't want kids, was pressured into having kids by her husband (who she later separated from), and now regrets having kids. '

Groundbreaking.

[Corral]

Having kids doesn't have to constrain or otherwise change what else you pursue or accomplish in life - but it does make it much harder to change your path in life 180 degrees should you decide that is necessary after kids have entered your life.

The real problem or source of possible regret as I see it is not the decision to have kids, rather it is that younger people don't pursue a life that really matters to them - too often just chase the money or don't put enough thought into what it is that really interests them. So when they realize later on that what they really wanted to do in life requires a drastic alteration in path - enter mid life crisis - they point their regret at obstacles facing them in their quest to change their path in life - and yes having kids makes that alteration very difficult because you are no longer just making decisions that affect you. But the problem is the kids - only if you refuse to acknowledge that what is really bothering you is decisions about yourself that you either made or failed to make much earlier in life when it was all about you.

[CaptainCrunch]

I came up with a strategy that works really well, when I get asked by relatives why I haven't settled down and married a nice girl and had some kids.

To the nice girl question. "I've dated a lot of nice girls, and some not so nice girls"

Why no kids?

"Because I have this disorder that basically makes it so that I don't like people and especially kids, and I'd make a lousy parent"

"Why don't you hold so and so's baby? you're so good with kids"

"Gee its the size of a football grandma, go deep"

[Locke]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

I came up with a strategy that works really well, when I get asked by relatives why I haven't settled down and married a nice girl and had some kids.

To the nice girl question. "I've dated a lot of nice girls, and some not so nice girls"

Why no kids?

"Because I have this disorder that basically makes it so that I don't like people and especially kids, and I'd make a lousy parent"

"Why don't you hold so and so's baby? you're so good with kids"

"Gee its the size of a football grandma, go deep"

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by Locke

Good bye tablet.

[GGG]

Parenting standards have become “far more draconian” since O’Reilly raised her kids in the ’80s and ’90s, she says, pointing to a confluence of forces—the rise of materialism, consumerism, neoliberalism and social media—turning parenthood into a performance. Parents now raise children in a far more difficult, competitive world and are pressured to do more with far less, she says: “Expectations have been ramped up to such a point that standards are impossible to achieve.”

This jumped out at me. Actual parenting is pretty easy once you drop out all of society's expectations on you. In terms of time commitment it can be managed. You just have to make the choice to be an adequate parent and not the perfect parent. And to ensure that you take time for yourself to do the things that you want even if it comes at the expense of something your child wants.

I'm not saying that people shouldn't regret having children and some do it much more sounds like they regret how they allowed the institution of parenting to affect their life.

[lazypucker]

Someone told me once that:

Children are like pets - they are fun to play with when they are not yours...

[chemgear]

Originally Posted by CorsiHockeyLeague

Wouldn't this realization make a person feel incredibly guilty?

Originally Posted by Hockeyguy15

Ask your parents?

Spoiler!

Good for her for being honest and speaking about it.

It's socially unacceptable to say anything but "Kids are the best thing ever and I would never change a thing".

We complain about marriages, divorces, poor car or home purchases, going back to school or ####ty jobs. But the moment it's a kid you can't say ####. Just smile and bear the burden.

[calf]

Originally Posted by CorsiHockeyLeague

Wouldn't this realization make a person feel incredibly guilty?

Absolutely it would. But it's also healthy to understand your truth so it doesn't manifest to a big issue later on.

I know the "I love my kid, but if I were to do it over again" conversation has happened in my and other friends house quite a bit. Especially now that most of our kids are toddler aged like Sliver explained.

One thing in our decision to have one was that our friends were starting to have kids, and we wanted to ensure that ours would be close to the same age to keep our connections strong. If you have kids of different ages, or if one couple has kids and the other doesn't, it gets harder to have common ground. Not impossible of course, but it just takes more effort to keep up the relationships when people are at a different point in their life, have different priorities, and of course, different workable social schedules.

[Cecil Terwilliger]

Originally Posted by OutOfTheCube

So she didn't want kids, was pressured into having kids by her husband (who she later separated from), and now regrets having kids. '

Groundbreaking.

Except that isn't even remotely what the article is about.

It goes into great depth talking about societal pressures, changes in social norms, changes to expectations due to the media, unrealistic expectations from other parents, difficulties in dealing with not fitting in as an "ideal" parent, the specific struggles faced by women due to all of the above etc.

[GoinAllTheWay]

Deciding if I wanted to have kids or not was easily one of the biggest things I wrestled with as an adult. My main fear would be getting to an age where it wasn't a great idea to have them and regret not doing so.

Man I kept myself awake at night so many times with this one. Put a big strain on me. Really big. To add to the issue was if I decided I did, I'd have to leave the relationship I was in as she didn't want any at all.

At the end of the day, I figured if I didn't want to have children with every fibre of my being, best not to. I've met so many people that have know for years that they wanted kids, that was never me. Rarely crossed my mind.

Bringing kids into the world is a damn big commitment so you better be damn sure you want to take it on. I couldn't say that for sure so opted not to.

[GoinAllTheWay]

double post somehow....

[Mass_nerder]

I started my education later, so I'm working on a masters degree at 32, with a few years to go. My fiance and I go back and forth on wanting kids, but by the time I'm done school, I feel like we might be too old to start (34 & 35).

If we don't, I'm sure I'll have some regret, but we'll still enjoy our less complicated life together.

[Fuzz]

Originally Posted by GoinAllTheWay

double post somehow....

Twins!

[Nyah]

Originally Posted by GoinAllTheWay

At the end of the day, I figured if I didn't want to have children with every fibre of my being, best not to. I've met so many people that have know for years that they wanted kids, that was never me. Rarely crossed my mind.

Same. I'm 34 and I've never in my life had a maternal feeling or an urge to have children. I don't like kids at all. It sounds terrible but even my nieces & nephews (who are all less than 6 years old) I can only handle in really small doses. When we have family dinners, I prefer it when the kids aren't there.