I organized a decently sized conference last spring. One of the keynote speakers I brought in did something interesting on our first phone call. The call was simply a "tell me more about the conference, what do you want from me, and how I can tailor what I have for you" from the speaker.
But he did something really interesting. The conversation started like this:
Me: How are you doing today?
Speaker: *half second pause* You know, I just left a presentation for (insert company name here), and now I'm on the train on this beautiful sunny day, I'm doing really well thanks.
Without ever speaking to, or meeting this guy before I instantly liked him. His answer was genuine, and it showed reflection of the good that is happening to him in that moment.
I've wanted to answer the standard, generic, "how are you" differently for oh almost a year now, yet I still catch myself giving the reflex answer "goodandyou?"
Ugh I hate "goodandyou" (said so fast and without thought that it's basically one word).
Just today I caught myself on three occasions just spewing this drivel. Even a fantastic or another word, heck an honest "exhausted and dehydrated" response would be better.
I've tried a Google search but I mostly get "stop using vocal fillers" or "don't use words like 'just' or 'but' when speaking".
I figured the CP Braintrust might have some insight.
I know this likely sounds stupid, but as a natural introvert I'd really like to add some authenticity to my generic small talk.
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I do the same thing, most people do. Maybe start really small, like trying to make a point of doing it just once every day for a week. Then build from there. I'm going to try this too!
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Then answer honestly and positively. Slow down, and take a second before you respond. The old "think before you speak" bit holds true here. You don't need to instantly answer. When you do something you consider good, keep that in mind. It can be something even as small as "I had a really good coffee this morning."
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I organized a decently sized conference last spring. One of the keynote speakers I brought in did something interesting on our first phone call. The call was simply a "tell me more about the conference, what do you want from me, and how I can tailor what I have for you" from the speaker.
But he did something really interesting. The conversation started like this:
Me: How are you doing today?
Speaker: *half second pause* You know, I just left a presentation for (insert company name here), and now I'm on the train on this beautiful sunny day, I'm doing really well thanks.
Without ever speaking to, or meeting this guy before I instantly liked him. His answer was genuine, and it showed reflection of the good that is happening to him in that moment.
I've wanted to answer the standard, generic, "how are you" differently for oh almost a year now, yet I still catch myself giving the reflex answer "goodandyou?"
Ugh I hate "goodandyou" (said so fast and without thought that it's basically one word).
Just today I caught myself on three occasions just spewing this drivel. Even a fantastic or another word, heck an honest "exhausted and dehydrated" response would be better.
I've tried a Google search but I mostly get "stop using vocal fillers" or "don't use words like 'just' or 'but' when speaking".
I figured the CP Braintrust might have some insight.
I know this likely sounds stupid, but as a natural introvert I'd really like to add some authenticity to my generic small talk.
I bet writing this out has more effect than anything.
I really like this idea, I’m going to follow your lead here and start this tomorrow, by taking a moment and giving an honest in the moment answer instead of the typical deflection.
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If you are initiating the phone call you could write down your response to the how are you doing question you want to give. I realize that this is almost the opposite of a spontaneous response but it would be a genuine response.
You could also put a sticky on your phone as well with some key phrase like how am I doing today so when you pick up you are ready for the question.
The only caveat I would say that you need to be positive. If the answer is pretty crappy you have to think if you have the right relationship to be sharing it.
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I should have mentioned, when someone asks me how I'm doing, the answer of "goodandyou" is a reflex. I don't know that I've said it until I already have.
Same thing happens when I'm shopping. "Can I help you?" Is always responded with "Just looking, thanks" even if I need help finding something.
It might be the introvert in me that trained myself to give the reflex answers to avoid the awkward over thinking. Thing is, I'm much more extroverted now than when I was younger so I don't need the reflex crutch responses. I just, don't know how to get rid of them haha.
__________________ "Calgary Flames is the best team in all the land" - My Brainwashed Son
I read this thread and thought of this kids in the hall sketch.
Sometimes at work I will be explaining something to a client and I will say “we sort of....”, when in fact we did a certain procedure. I remind myself before every meeting to not say “sort of”
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Last edited by Northendzone; 01-21-2019 at 09:39 PM.
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Training yourself to be more mentally present in the moment will help.
A lot of these reactionary responses happen because the mind is part elsewhere and we're not really responding with present thought.
Even worse if you're looking at random crap on your phone when someone asked you the question.
I've found meditation helps control random thoughts and focus through them. Could help you be more aware of your responses and less reactive.
What you are looking for is active listening, which should really be called slow careful answering, I know how to do it and if I concentrate I can hear everything said to me and then consider my answer carefully, but most of the time I'm on auto pilot like everyone else, its the autopilot that you are not liking
I used to pre-think conversations in my head and I'd do something similar. In sociology, it was called a social script. The worst one for me is always, "You too!" for me which is always awkward at movie theatres after the attendant says, "Enjoy the movie!". There's two ways to revise the reflex responses that worked for me.
1. Attempt to replace your phrases with something else that is similar. Once you've transitioned to something else, it's a little easier to slow down the response reflex when you decide on which words to use or or go a different response altogether.
ie:
Hi how are you?/Hey, what's up?/Hows the weather today?/Wassap?
Good and you?/I'm not doing too bad myself!/Hey, glad to hear it!/
One that always irked me was when someone says, "Perfect" to end a sentence. To me, it always felt like a poor fitting word that easily felt sarcastic in many situations. When I speak, I often force myself to say excellent or fantastic instead of the word perfect.
2. Negative/annoying reinforcement. This one requires help from someone like a friend or a spouse. Someone to be annoying when you reply in the "incorrect manner" and force you to start over again.
For instance, I had a prof who would repeat verbal pauses half a dozen times if someone spoke with a verbal pause in his class. He'd also make stupid faces, then tell us we're speaking gobbledy#### on words like umm, uh, like etc.
ie: Umm... -> umm? umm! umm... ummmmmmm...
Maybe if you have a friend practice with you every day and if you stumble, they just yell something that annoys you like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious twice and you have to restart the convo again. It might help you to think about the fact you want to avoid it, thus slowing yourself down before you reflex reply, "Good and you?"
I think just keep at it, if every time you give a canned answer you catch yourself eventually and remind yourself to try and give a more thoughtful answer, you'll remind yourself faster and faster and eventually remind yourself more and more before you reply. You're building a new mental pattern, it takes repetition.
I find enlisting others helps, when I've wanted to eliminate a word or phrase I usually mock myself using it in a group, then the next time I use it they'll usually do the mocking for me.
__________________ Uncertainty is an uncomfortable position.
But certainty is an absurd one.
I've been trying for a while now to eliminate "how are things at work" while in conversation. Talking about work - when not at work - is a very North American thing to do. I find your conversations can become a bit more light-hearted and easier when you're asking about weekends, holidays, hobbies, family, sports, etc. instead.
Several years ago I made a point to replace 'Good' with 'Excellent' -- subbing in longer words is a way to make yourself look more intelligent very easily. Stuff like "Good, bad, nice, fine" -- all basic words that are used a ton, but all words that a 3-year old can say too.
Of course, you need to stick to words that people still understand. If you become a walking thesaurus you'll have the opposite effect of just looking like a pretentious know-it-all.
Haha, I have a colleague who does pretty much this.
Me: "Hey Joe, how ya doin'?"
Him: "Well....it's too early to tell."
It's now gotten to the point where I start our pleasantries by saying:
"Hey Joe, when are you gonna know if your day is going well?"
It's created a bit more complexity in our day to day, but honestly, it has zero effect on either one of us other than we aren't complete zombies to each other. I think that's the most you can expect out of these thoughtful exchanges.
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How to Remove a Phrase from your Vocabulary
