How do I get out of the "Friend Zone?" Help!!!

[Muta]

Originally Posted by Inferno

But I would suggest being honest with her because I spent ten years regretting not telling mine. I think every guy has one girl that has something no other girl has and never will and for me it's her. I've liked other girls but when the chance with them has passed it hasn't bugged me like it did with her since grad.

I cant really say for sure how it's going to affect your friendship if she's not interested but atleast you wont live with the regret of never telling her and wondering what might have been. After I told mine she told me that she really wished I would have told her back then because I would have been a great boyfriend unlike some of the s she ended up dating. And she still tells me that there's a chance for us but right now just isn't a good time. So all I can do right now is just let her know that I care for her alot and not put pressure on her and hope that one day she wants to get back in a relationship that she decides that I'm the one she wants to be with.

Whoa, man... you just explained the exact situation I'm in.

Known a girl since Grade 8, liked her at that time the minute she walked into my classroom, but was too immature to do anything about it ever. Drifted apart in about Grade 10, accidentally ran in to her last year walking home from work downtown. Hung out alot right until I left for Auckland last October, she visted me this January on her way to a 2 year travel expedition... FINALLY told her how I felt about her, gave her a kiss. She left the next day, but atleast I got that off my chest after 10 YEARS of knowing her. Met up with her again in Singapore, and she wasn't receptive like I thought she would be a month back, it was lamost like she wa scared. Came back this Spring and I am now in a relationship. This girl I've liked is now coming back today from a year of traveling around the world, and it's flippin' odd. I dunno what to do.

This chick, or so I figure, has no interest in me whatsoever right now, and I'm ridiculously hot over this.

Inferno, you are right... there's always ONE girl in a guy's life that beats out all the others, no matter how many other girls you come across.

[Inferno]

Originally Posted by Flames_Gimp

translation: "I'm bangin some dude"

That has nothing to do with it. What was complicating things was after we made out she was going back and forth between whether she was ready for a relationship or not which was confusing me and it was affecting our friendship and making us get into disagreements about how she was feeling. Finally she just told me that for now we should cool it off for now because she was too confused and she knew it was affecting me and she felt guilty and didn't like that. And the advise I got from other people was to not confuse her anymore than she already was because when women are confused they think negatively so that I should just back off for now because it might make her get turned off of me.

My cousin said a phrase that made a pretty good point. "Sometimes it's better to retreat and live to fight the battle another day". He was in a similar situation only this girl gave him alot of sex but wasn't as honest as this girl is with me. He was constantly asking her for a relationship until finally it was just too much and she told him she wasn't ready and they eventually drifted apart. That's one thing he regrets as he said had he held back a little and gave her space maybe things would have worked out in the end.

[HelloHockeyFans]

One observation from all the posts mentioned so far where the guy came out, told the girl, and crashed and burned is that IF they eventually become friends again, all these guys "realize" she's not that great any way!!

[The Fonz]

Originally Posted by icarus

Except that you cry yourself to sleep every night with the sting of unrequited love.

....hey....I hardly ever do that anymore....

[The Fonz]

I'm not crying, I just have allergies

[Flames89]

1. Date a bunch of other girls.
2. Make sure that you roll out all the moves for each one
3. Give your best in the sack
4. Break up with them


So you will either get to step 3, and realize that you forgot your buddy. Or you go to step 4, and confide in your "friend" how it's hard to find someone to connect with. Meanwhile she will see how crushed the other girls are, hear the whispers of what a love-god you are - and finallly get curious.


Jealousy and curiousity are powerful forces.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

Alright, page 9 before I chime in. Bringing it back to post one.

But before I do. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, unfortunately I didn't do it right. May you learn from my mistakes:

-Is it even possible to get out of this "Friend Zone" in this case? I figure maybe with a couple "real" dates she could eventually become attracted to me, but I am pretty much positive that she has no romantic interest in me at this point.

Contrary to popular belief it is possible, and I'm willing to be happens more than one would think. Of my close knit circle of friends, every single person in a relationship was best friends with their significant other first. In each case for years before getting together. It happens, and those relationships become some of the, if not the strongest relationships. However it doesn't happen quickly, or easily.

-How do I go about asking her out? Obviously I see it being a very awkward situation. Do I need to drop some hints about my feelings before I do this (i don't want to creep her out and just out of the blue, ask her out)? If so, how do I go about dropping these hints (since I flirt with her quite often and obviously its in a joking way, so she'll probably think I'm kidding around and won't take me seriously)?

Someone mentioned, turn up the flirt. They're right. You have to start slowly, an accidental bump while you're walking together, to brushing her arm when you laugh. Then gradually step it up to putting your arm around her for photos (while making a silly face of course, thus ruining the picture, necessitating a "good picture" with again your arm still around her), to being at the bar, saying come here I've got a secret but only you can know, and don't tell anyone. Then you put your arm around her, brush her hair behind her ear and say "I'm getting a beer, shhhhh", then promptly get a beer get back and say with a devilish smile "oh I'm sorry did you want a drink too?" Eventually make jokes about how bad she wants you, but you wouldn't want to ruin the friendship. Role reverse, joking put her in the position where you're jokingly rejecting her (even though she never asked anything) which will a) make her more comfortable with talking to you about a relationship, and b) get the idea of a relationship with you in her head - without you directly asking for it in the first place. Then, after time of course, make the gradual progression from friends to boy/girlfriends.

-Would our friendship be affected if i asked her out and she declined? Obviously with everyone its different, but in your experiences has the friendship been affected in any way? I wouldn't be heartbroken if she shot me down and would still see her as the same best friend, but would she feel the same way? She is easily embarrassed by awkward situations.

The answer is, unfortunately yes. At least at first. Over time you can get back to the best friend situation. Things wouldn't be exactly the same, sure there might be a big pink elephant in the corner, but as long as the two of you ignore it, it'll eventually go away. As stated above, I've been there, and done that . . . did it 100% incorrectly. But now, we're back to being friends, good friends, hell on a good day we're the best of friends. Sure she now engaged to a guy that's below her, but that's my perspective, and she's happy which in the end is what I wanted to see.

So: Turn up the flirt gradually, take it slow, line up your dominoes before watching them fall, and most importantly, have fun, be silly, and make her laugh.

Good luck, and if it doesn't work out, I have a friend that will help you cope, his name is Alexander Keith.

[Flames_Gimp]

unzip and pull it out..."I know it's pretty baby, but I didn't take it out fo air"

[Wookie]

I'd say you're screwed. And not in the good sense.

What to do... Hmm, couple of options.

I'd say forget the big date hoopla, saw some suggestions about going all out, dinner, etc. Honestly, she knows you, impressing her with dinner and going out isn't going to change anything other than shrink your wallet. She'd have the same answer at the end of that as right now.

I'd say your two options are.
1. Make her jealous. Not in the sense that it sounds. Just have a good time with other people. Go out with other girls, make a little less time for her, if there is any chance she's going to be interested that'll make it come out. She'll think, hmm, he's fun/cool/and I'm missing out. If not, well taht sucks. It's a pretty crappy thing to find out, but better now then... well maybe not. But you gotta go for it.


2. Just tell her. Don't be drunk, just... yeah, you get along, you can be honest with each other, why not try. Worried about ruining a friendship? Eh, if you're really good friends it should last.

Good luck.

[arloiginla]

Originally Posted by Maritime Q-Scout

Alright, page 9 before I chime in. Bringing it back to post one.

But before I do. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, unfortunately I didn't do it right. May you learn from my mistakes:

-Is it even possible to get out of this "Friend Zone" in this case? I figure maybe with a couple "real" dates she could eventually become attracted to me, but I am pretty much positive that she has no romantic interest in me at this point.

Contrary to popular belief it is possible, and I'm willing to be happens more than one would think. Of my close knit circle of friends, every single person in a relationship was best friends with their significant other first. In each case for years before getting together. It happens, and those relationships become some of the, if not the strongest relationships. However it doesn't happen quickly, or easily.

-How do I go about asking her out? Obviously I see it being a very awkward situation. Do I need to drop some hints about my feelings before I do this (i don't want to creep her out and just out of the blue, ask her out)? If so, how do I go about dropping these hints (since I flirt with her quite often and obviously its in a joking way, so she'll probably think I'm kidding around and won't take me seriously)?

Someone mentioned, turn up the flirt. They're right. You have to start slowly, an accidental bump while you're walking together, to brushing her arm when you laugh. Then gradually step it up to putting your arm around her for photos (while making a silly face of course, thus ruining the picture, necessitating a "good picture" with again your arm still around her), to being at the bar, saying come here I've got a secret but only you can know, and don't tell anyone. Then you put your arm around her, brush her hair behind her ear and say "I'm getting a beer, shhhhh", then promptly get a beer get back and say with a devilish smile "oh I'm sorry did you want a drink too?" Eventually make jokes about how bad she wants you, but you wouldn't want to ruin the friendship. Role reverse, joking put her in the position where you're jokingly rejecting her (even though she never asked anything) which will a) make her more comfortable with talking to you about a relationship, and b) get the idea of a relationship with you in her head - without you directly asking for it in the first place. Then, after time of course, make the gradual progression from friends to boy/girlfriends.

-Would our friendship be affected if i asked her out and she declined? Obviously with everyone its different, but in your experiences has the friendship been affected in any way? I wouldn't be heartbroken if she shot me down and would still see her as the same best friend, but would she feel the same way? She is easily embarrassed by awkward situations.

The answer is, unfortunately yes. At least at first. Over time you can get back to the best friend situation. Things wouldn't be exactly the same, sure there might be a big pink elephant in the corner, but as long as the two of you ignore it, it'll eventually go away. As stated above, I've been there, and done that . . . did it 100% incorrectly. But now, we're back to being friends, good friends, hell on a good day we're the best of friends. Sure she now engaged to a guy that's below her, but that's my perspective, and she's happy which in the end is what I wanted to see.

So: Turn up the flirt gradually, take it slow, line up your dominoes before watching them fall, and most importantly, have fun, be silly, and make her laugh.

Good luck, and if it doesn't work out, I have a friend that will help you cope, his name is Alexander Keith.

Thanks for the advice, it pays to read even the 9th page sometimes

It's tough to take it slow when you want something real bad, but I guess I've pushed it aside for almost five years now, may as well wait another couple weeks eh?

The beauty is that even if she says no, which I expect her to, I still haven't lost anything and will never ask "what if" down the road.

It's amazing though, isn't it, how the one girl you want is always the one that is hardest to get. Dam you women

[CrusaderPi]

Originally Posted by Flames_Gimp

unzip and pull it out..."I know it's pretty baby, but I didn't take it out fo air"

too direct

step one: cut a hole in the box....

[STeeLy]

Originally Posted by CrusaderPi

too direct

step one: cut a hole in the box....

step two: put your junk in that box...

[Crazy Flamer]

Originally Posted by Wookie

I'd say you're screwed. And not in the good sense.

What to do... Hmm, couple of options.

I'd say forget the big date hoopla, saw some suggestions about going all out, dinner, etc. Honestly, she knows you, impressing her with dinner and going out isn't going to change anything other than shrink your wallet. She'd have the same answer at the end of that as right now.

I'd say your two options are.
1. Make her jealous. Not in the sense that it sounds. Just have a good time with other people. Go out with other girls, make a little less time for her, if there is any chance she's going to be interested that'll make it come out. She'll think, hmm, he's fun/cool/and I'm missing out. If not, well taht sucks. It's a pretty crappy thing to find out, but better now then... well maybe not. But you gotta go for it.


2. Just tell her. Don't be drunk, just... yeah, you get along, you can be honest with each other, why not try. Worried about ruining a friendship? Eh, if you're really good friends it should last.

Good luck.

Yeah I agree. Its pretty hard to get out of the friend zone. And suppose you do tell her, well those things rarely turn out in your favor. The only thing it may bring you if it doesn't work out is the satisfaction that you have guts.

[Gugstanley]

Originally Posted by STeeLy

step two: put your junk in that box...

This time of year you need to put a nice bow on the box. I'm not experienced in this gift but would imagine box size is important. To large of a box and well you might look

Would you please man up and take care of business already? Tell this girl what is going on and let the good times roll. If you want give me her phone number and I will call and tell her what is going on

[PYroMaNiaC]

In no particular order.

Women want men who

A) Make them laugh. Q-Scout's advice about joking, flirting is bang on.

B) they can't have. Do other stuff with other people. Don't always be there when she needs a shoulder. (Occasionally is fine, because we also like men who are supportive, but never when the problem is about another man.)

C) Are men. That doesn't mean "be an ass", but it does mean that you need to take control of your own actions. Quit worrying about what she might be feeling, thinking, and saying. Be active not reactive in your own thoughts, feelings, and words.

D) don't play mind games. Flirting and joking are all fun, and may help to warm her up to the idea but if asked, be honest. Any good relationship begins there.

E) aren't creepy. Do not tell her you that you've felt this way for a long time. However, honesty comes before "not creepy" on the list, so admit it if asked directly.

F) are passionate. About something besides us. We look at it as a challenge to divert all that passion towards us. If we're successful at doing this, there is no longer a challenge, so beware of succumbing to our wiles. (Once the relationship is considered long term by both partners, this passion is what keeps things rolling, so don't squelch it forever)

G) are supportive. Duh. We like to know there's a safety net there, but you don't have to be the only one holding it up. Take a little corner to show you care, but we have girlfriends, parents, siblings, co-workers ect. who are all holding a little corner. If you hog the entire net, you're making us dependant on you and taking away that little bit of mystery that men hold for us.

And if you get this far, we also want men who

H) don't make a big gift box look empty. That's only part of the equation though - in fact, 1/4 of it. The only quarter we can live without. The other 3/4 comprise of magic hands, mouth, and being detail orientated.

Good Luck and Have Fun!

[Traditional_Ale]

Originally Posted by PYroMaNiaC

In no particular order.

Women want men who

A) Make them laugh. Q-Scout's advice about joking, flirting is bang on.

B) they can't have. Do other stuff with other people. Don't always be there when she needs a shoulder. (Occasionally is fine, because we also like men who are supportive, but never when the problem is about another man.)

C) Are men. That doesn't mean "be an ass", but it does mean that you need to take control of your own actions. Quit worrying about what she might be feeling, thinking, and saying. Be active not reactive in your own thoughts, feelings, and words.

D) don't play mind games. Flirting and joking are all fun, and may help to warm her up to the idea but if asked, be honest. Any good relationship begins there.

E) aren't creepy. Do not tell her you that you've felt this way for a long time. However, honesty comes before "not creepy" on the list, so admit it if asked directly.

F) are passionate. About something besides us. We look at it as a challenge to divert all that passion towards us. If we're successful at doing this, there is no longer a challenge, so beware of succumbing to our wiles. (Once the relationship is considered long term by both partners, this passion is what keeps things rolling, so don't squelch it forever)

G) are supportive. Duh. We like to know there's a safety net there, but you don't have to be the only one holding it up. Take a little corner to show you care, but we have girlfriends, parents, siblings, co-workers ect. who are all holding a little corner. If you hog the entire net, you're making us dependant on you and taking away that little bit of mystery that men hold for us.

And if you get this far, we also want men who

H) don't make a big gift box look empty. That's only part of the equation though - in fact, 1/4 of it. The only quarter we can live without. The other 3/4 comprise of magic hands, mouth, and being detail orientated.

Good Luck and Have Fun!

Post of the year. Well said.

[Locke]

Hmmm.....Pyro, I think you can expect visitors from the Women's union Local 80085. I think these were supposed to kept secret.

Because I've sure as hell never heard of any of this before:

Honesty? Overrated.
Humour? Sounds like Communism.
Mind Games? My last GF must have been an amateur psychologist.

Seriously though, good suggestions. Certainly more constructive than mine....

[Torture]

I'm thinking I should maybe save Pyro's post before the Women's Union...Local 80085 you say Locke? gets a hold of her account and fixes the damage...

[Got Miikka?]

Isn't their head office in Silicone Valley?

[PYroMaNiaC]

Originally Posted by Locke

Hmmm.....Pyro, I think you can expect visitors from the Women's union Local 80085. I think these were supposed to kept secret.

Because I've sure as hell never heard of any of this before:

Honesty? Overrated.
Humour? Sounds like Communism.
Mind Games? My last GF must have been an amateur psychologist.

Seriously though, good suggestions. Certainly more constructive than mine....

Honesty is never overrated. Sometimes the answers make us squirm, but women love introspection so play the cards straight.

Humour keeps us grounded. We're prone to flights of fantasy, so a good dose of laughter keeps things real.

Any mind games are a direct result of "F". However, introspection and flights of fantasy can occasionally let us get carried away. The best thing you can do to combat mind games is to take us to bed and make us weep for joy. When all is done, tell us that this is what we do for you. Immediately return to your passion for other stuff. We need reminders of what the goal is, but it has to be hard. That's what makes men a challenge.