Living together before marriage

[Sainters7]

Originally Posted by rubecube

That's definitely part of it. He's told her that she should be going to school and I should be paying to support her, despite the fact that he has not told me how to activate the mint in my body that dispenses currency out of my ass.

Wow this guy sounds really old school. I think that's great to be able to financially support your partner while they're in school if you're able to, I'd love to be able to help out my girlfriend financially in that way if I were able...but to expect it?? How old does he think you are anyways? I don't know too many guys in their mid-20's that have banked up enough cash to be able to afford sending their girlfriends off to college. That's ridiculous.

Rube I'm kind of in the same boat with my girl's dad, he's a pretty old school guy himself. We went out for a wedding in Kelowna for one of their relatives and he had me on the couch while she shared a bed with her sister. I thought it was kinda stupid, but I just went along with the program, it was only for a couple nights. Sometimes you just gotta suck it up on those types of things, unfortunately.

Over-all by the sounds of it I think your philosophical differences are simply too vast, I'm not sure you'll ever have an overly great relationship. It's unfortunate but it happens. In the end he'll probably never agree with your anti-marriage stance, but as long as you treat her right and you have a good relationship, that should be enough and he should be content in the fact that his daughter is happy.

[troutman]

Originally Posted by CaramonLS

Trout is right in this instance.

trout is always right.

[The Yen Man]

I don't know if it's really a religious thing. I'm not regligious, but if your gf is my daughter, I'd honestly have doubts about your relationship too. Please don't take any offense to what I'm saying, but in reading all your responses, I would have some serious doubts as to how committed you really were to my daughter.

As a father, I think it's quite understandable to make sure a daughter is well taken care of. I'm not saying you have to take care of her financially or anything, but the fact that you say you don't want marriage and kids ever, and that you would never share joint bank accounts later on in life, tells me you have some committment issues.

It's a nice gesture that you come over for dinner (on your non football days lol), come to family functions and stuff like that. But that stuff is the bare minimum of what you should already be doing if you were serious about the relationship. It's what you can show me above those things which tells me whether you'd be good for my daughter or not. And frankly, I don't see anything that does.

So I guess honestly, I totally see where your gf's dad is coming from.

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by Sainters7

Wow this guy sounds really old school. I think that's great to be able to financially support your partner while they're in school if you're able to, I'd love to be able to help out my girlfriend financially in that way if I were able...but to expect it?? How old does he think you are anyways? I don't know too many guys in their mid-20's that have banked up enough cash to be able to afford sending their girlfriends off to college. That's ridiculous.

Rube I'm kind of in the same boat with my girl's dad, he's a pretty old school guy himself. We went out for a wedding in Kelowna for one of their relatives and he had me on the couch while she shared a bed with her sister. I thought it was kinda stupid, but I just went along with the program, it was only for a couple nights. Sometimes you just gotta suck it up on those types of things, unfortunately.

Over-all by the sounds of it I think your philosophical differences are simply too vast, I'm not sure you'll ever have an overly great relationship. It's unfortunate but it happens. In the end he'll probably never agree with your anti-marriage stance, but as long as you treat her right and you have a good relationship, that should be enough and he should be content in the fact that his daughter is happy.

But did you take your shot?!?

[BlackEleven]

I've been in the same situation as you, and we have similar opinions on marriage. The best advice I can give you is to pick your battles.

I ended up taking the couch.

But when the tables were turned and her parents were coming to visit us, there's no way I would have even considered the couch. And her parents were fine with that. Since I respected their beliefs in their house, they would respect mine (well ours) in our house.

You may want to consider this scenario especially since you live in different cities -- there's a good chance that someday they're going to come visit you, especially if you really are in it for the long haul. If you take the hotel now, they'll take the hotel when they come to visit you (well, her) and it'll always be a standoff.

The basic decision you have to make is whether its more important to have an uncompromising worldview or to be (eventually) accepted as part of the family, or at the very least to make an effort in doing so. They accept you enough to let you stay in their home at all, so this shows they're at least willing to compromise to some degree. You're at a point where you either have to accept their compromise or widen the rift.

[CaptainCrunch]

Hell, I'm never surprised when a girlfriends daughter tosses me a sleeping bag and directions to the nearest homeless shelter.

I have that effect on fathers.

[Bring_Back_Shantz]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

Hell, I'm never surprised when a girlfriends daughter tosses me a sleeping bag and directions to the nearest homeless shelter.

I have that effect on fathers.

I never would have guessed you're into the single moms.

[CaptainCrunch]

Ahh crap

Girlfriends father.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by Bring_Back_Shantz

I never would have guessed you're into the single moms.

I would have.

[AFireInside]

Originally Posted by The Yen Man

I don't know if it's really a religious thing. I'm not regligious, but if your gf is my daughter, I'd honestly have doubts about your relationship too. Please don't take any offense to what I'm saying, but in reading all your responses, I would have some serious doubts as to how committed you really were to my daughter.

As a father, I think it's quite understandable to make sure a daughter is well taken care of. I'm not saying you have to take care of her financially or anything, but the fact that you say you don't want marriage and kids ever, and that you would never share joint bank accounts later on in life, tells me you have some committment issues.

It's a nice gesture that you come over for dinner (on your non football days lol), come to family functions and stuff like that. But that stuff is the bare minimum of what you should already be doing if you were serious about the relationship. It's what you can show me above those things which tells me whether you'd be good for my daughter or not. And frankly, I don't see anything that does.

So I guess honestly, I totally see where your gf's dad is coming from.

Why would that indicate that he has any commitment issues. That's completely ridiculous...

I've been with my gf for 7 years. We aren't getting married and we are both fine with that. Marriage means absolutely nothing to me, and I don't come from a family with divorced parents, they've been together for well over 30 years (hah I don't even know the exact number, but I'm 28 and they were married well before me).

Why can't I just be with my gf for 30 years and not get married? It's a silly piece of paper. If she really really really wanted to get married, I guess I would, luckily she doesn't care about getting married. Woo.

We aren't having kids either. Has nothing to do with commitment, but more to do with the fact I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANY, and neither does she. *GASP* we still don't have a joint account either...

We manage just fine, although once we buy a house the joint account concept might change.

Now on to the actual issue. I've been in this situation before, not too often though. I say just let it go, although I don't see it being a big deal choosing to stay in a hotel either. As far as trying to please the family by going for dinner etc. I'd say a compromise is in order. I would go once in awhile, just not every Sunday.

[BlackAce]

Drop the religion and problem solved...
... It always seems to get in the way of everything anyway

[FlamesAddiction]

Originally Posted by BlackAce

Drop the religion and problem solved...
... It always seems to get in the way of everything anyway

I would argue that parents interfering with their offsprings relationships is an evolutionary trait and not a religious one. People can use religion as the guise, but the ultimate goal is to ensure that your gene pool survives over the next generation by assisting in finding a compatable mate for your child. This is why throughout human history, arranged marriages are typically the norm (and still are in a lot of places).

The double standard that fathers have for protecting their daughters while letting sons hump whatever also serves an evolutionary purpose. From a biological perspective, males can impregnate several females and if some of them are not the best mates, it's not a huge deal... but for females, there is an opportunity cost associated with choosing the wrong mate. Of course, it's not a conscious effort on the part of the parents as humans complicate these things with finances, careers, education, ect.... But the biological urges and instincts of humans still have their place in society.

[Kipper is King]

Originally Posted by The Yen Man

I don't know if it's really a religious thing. I'm not regligious, but if your gf is my daughter, I'd honestly have doubts about your relationship too. Please don't take any offense to what I'm saying, but in reading all your responses, I would have some serious doubts as to how committed you really were to my daughter.

As a father, I think it's quite understandable to make sure a daughter is well taken care of. I'm not saying you have to take care of her financially or anything, but the fact that you say you don't want marriage and kids ever, and that you would never share joint bank accounts later on in life, tells me you have some committment issues.

This basically reflects my own sentiment on the matter. I don't know you two, but it seems like you don't want anything that ties you two long term- marriage, kids, a sensible relationship with the in laws, etc.

I understand if the religious nature of her father's beliefs might unsettle you. (I am Catholic BTW) Being in a relationship means that the two involved have to accommodate each other somewhat. You have to work on cooling things down with her family.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by fotze

Is this the same girl that was banging her ex from Victoria and you let it happen in your house? Tell that story to her dad to show your committment.

If I wasn't mysteriously out of thanks, you'd be entitled to some.

And for those who don't the reference, no she didn't bang her ex.

[4X4]

Originally Posted by troutman

trout is always right.

I always pegged you as a bit left.

[Boblobla]

Originally Posted by Bring_Back_Shantz

I never would have guessed you're into the single moms.

[The Yen Man]

Originally Posted by AFireInside

Why would that indicate that he has any commitment issues. That's completely ridiculous...

I've been with my gf for 7 years. We aren't getting married and we are both fine with that. Marriage means absolutely nothing to me, and I don't come from a family with divorced parents, they've been together for well over 30 years (hah I don't even know the exact number, but I'm 28 and they were married well before me).

Why can't I just be with my gf for 30 years and not get married? It's a silly piece of paper. If she really really really wanted to get married, I guess I would, luckily she doesn't care about getting married. Woo.

We aren't having kids either. Has nothing to do with commitment, but more to do with the fact I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANY, and neither does she. *GASP* we still don't have a joint account either...

We manage just fine, although once we buy a house the joint account concept might change.

Now on to the actual issue. I've been in this situation before, not too often though. I say just let it go, although I don't see it being a big deal choosing to stay in a hotel either. As far as trying to please the family by going for dinner etc. I'd say a compromise is in order. I would go once in awhile, just not every Sunday.

Well, here's my mentality if I were the gf's dad. You say marriage is just a piece of paper, it doesn't mean squat to you both. It's the bond that you both share that defines the relationship. Ok, I'll accept that. So that means signing that piece of paper should mean nothing to you either way. Why don't you make me, the reglious, conservative dad, and my family happy by signing it then and making it official? Afterall, like you said, it's not going to change anything. All it will change is make both sides happy; the dad seeing his daughter officially married, and you, now that the father in law won't be on your back about it. Win win both ways.

Any other excuse to not get married tells me, the dad, that you aren't as fully committed as you think you are.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by The Yen Man

Well, here's my mentality if I were the gf's dad. You say marriage is just a piece of paper, it doesn't mean squat to you both. It's the bond that you both share that defines the relationship. Ok, I'll accept that. So that means signing that piece of paper should mean nothing to you either way. Why don't you make me, the reglious, conservative dad, and my family happy by signing it then and making it official? Afterall, like you said, it's not going to change anything. All it will change is make both sides happy; the dad seeing his daughter officially married, and you, now that the father in law won't be on your back about it. Win win both ways.

Any other excuse to not get married tells me, the dad, that you aren't as fully committed as you think you are.

Yep, because nothing says commitment like having our entire relationship revolve around pleasing her dad.

[The Yen Man]

Originally Posted by rubecube

Yep, because nothing says commitment like having our entire relationship revolve around pleasing her dad.

You're signing one piece of paper to please her dad. Is it really that tough if you're planning to be in the long haul anyways? One piece of paper gets the guy off your back for good, and you can legitimately sleep with your girl in his house without him having any problems with it. I guess I just see it as a small thing to save everyone a lot of grief.

[AFireInside]

Originally Posted by The Yen Man

Well, here's my mentality if I were the gf's dad. You say marriage is just a piece of paper, it doesn't mean squat to you both. It's the bond that you both share that defines the relationship. Ok, I'll accept that. So that means signing that piece of paper should mean nothing to you either way. Why don't you make me, the reglious, conservative dad, and my family happy by signing it then and making it official? Afterall, like you said, it's not going to change anything. All it will change is make both sides happy; the dad seeing his daughter officially married, and you, now that the father in law won't be on your back about it. Win win both ways.

Any other excuse to not get married tells me, the dad, that you aren't as fully committed as you think you are.

I wouldn't live my life to please her family. In my situation, I stated that if she really really wanted to get married, then I'd probably do it. FOR HER....

Maybe I consider marriage a religious ceremony, and maybe that goes against my beliefs.

It doesn't matter why I choose to not get married, it's not an indication of anything. It doesn't represent my level of commitment to my gf.

The dad needs to get a grip and realize it's 2010.

You can try and twist not getting married however you like.

I'm going to look at marriage as meaning you are insecure, needy, and constantly worried that your significant other is going to leave you so you are trying to find some way to ENSURE they don't leave. Having a joint account is a way to constantly monitor your significant other because you have very low self esteem and need to know what they are doing at all times because you do not trust them and want to control them.

*clearly sarcasm*.

You can twist it how you like, people have reasons for doing things like getting married, or not getting married. Thats between the couple in the relationship, if they are happy no one else should judge them for it, caving just to please one person is silly. That person (father in this case) needs to grow up and open his mind just a little bit.

Still back to the original issue, sleeping on the couch for a couple days is no biggie, and shows some respect for the father in house. Then again getting a hotel should not offend the father either and should be fine.