The... we need a joke thread (Many NSFW)

[shermanator]

Bumping this thread for this joke.


So a seal walks into a club...

[DrPepper]

warning -NFSW

So this guy brings this drunk girl home from a party. He than procedes to pull her pants down and starts eating her out. 5 minutes later, he comes up for air with a carrot in his mouth.

He stares at the girl with a puzzled look, not caring much, he spits out the carrot and goes back to munching the carpet.
Again, he comes up for air after 5 minutes and this time with a brocolli in his mouth. He again spits out the brocolli and was like "wth".

He goes back down for a 3rd time and again he comes up for air. He now see he's got a banana in his mouth. Drunk as he was, he spits out the banana and he askes the girl " Ok, what the hell is going on here?"

AndThe girl replies back with "Oh sorry, I had a guy eat me out before you".

[RockOnRoberts]

I dont get it DrPepper. Like eat out at a restaurant?

[DrPepper]

Originally Posted by RockOnRoberts

I dont get it DrPepper. Like eat out at a restaurant?

Haha, nah man. It's been a while since I've told this joke to anyone, but its suppose to gross you out so I kinda don't remember the joke anymore. But in summary keeping it pg13.

The guy eats out this drunk girls p***y and each time finds a piece of food in his mouth, he later finds out that some dude ate her out first and had barfed in her p****y.

[Gozer]

Originally Posted by DrPepper

Haha, nah man. It's been a while since I've told this joke to anyone, but its suppose to gross you out so I kinda don't remember the joke anymore. But in summary keeping it pg13.

The guy eats out this drunk girls p***y and each time finds a piece of food in his mouth, he later finds out that some dude ate her out first and had barfed in her p****y.

[simonsays]

Originally Posted by DrPepper

Haha, nah man. It's been a while since I've told this joke to anyone, but its suppose to gross you out so I kinda don't remember the joke anymore. But in summary keeping it pg13.

NSF-anything

So this guy gets out of jail and promptly heads to a whorehouse, whereby he asks the madam, 'I just got out of jail, what can I get for 20 bucks?'.

'20 dollars? Well I can't sell you any fine tail for that much, but you can go down on Kristy', the madam replies, 'door number 3'.

So the ex-con, horny as all hell from being incarcerated with only men thinks to himself..yeah, that'll be a decent start, and I always promised myself that I'd eat some p***y once I got free. So he ponies up the money and heads to room number 3.

After briefly introducing himself to Kristy he pretty much just dives right in, and despite a considerably acidic taste thinks to himself, 'well it's been so long that I probably don't remember just how a woman tastes', so he keeps on trucking. Until he gets something stuck in his teeth.

So he stops for a moment expecting to extract a pube, but instead finds a sliver of carrot. 'Well that's kinda nasty', the dude thinks, 'but hell, it's been so long I need this'. So he figures that he'll just keep on going.

A few moments later he feels what he thinks is another carrot shred and after a second of deliberation decides to ignore that one as well. So he keeps his head down and carries on until all of a sudden he feels the unmistakable texture of beef gristle in his mouth.

All of a sudden he looks up at Kristy, with the piece of gristle sticking to the back of his tongue and says, 'I think I'm going to be sick'.

Kristy replies, 'That's what the last guy said.'

[Ziggy Lidstrom]

Two flies are sitting on a pile of dung. One let's out a massive burp, after which the other says: "Would you mind I'm trying to eat!"

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A guy walks into a pub with an octopus in tow. They have a seat at the bar. The bartender sees the man and his octopus and immediately informs the man that the policy is no pets. The man quickly asserts that the octopus is no pet, instead he is a musical genius. He then says, " I noticed a stage with some instruments in the back of the room there." The bartender replies, "Those are for our Open Mic night." Continuing with his initial train of thought the man says, "well if my octopus can play all of those instruments then I get to drink for free," the bartender playfully says, "well why not, and if he can't then you must buy a round for the house." The man agrees and instructs the octopus to go play.

The first instrument was a guitar. The octopus picks it up and starts playing hendrix. The second instrument was a drum kit. The octopus sits on the stool and plays some John Bonham. The third instrument was a keyboard. The Octopus starts to play some stevie wonder. The fourth instrument is a set of bag pipes. The Octopus picks them up; and fumbles with them; not playing them while oddly fondling/manipulating them. To no avail, he couldn't play them.

Meanwhile back at the bar, the Bartender has a laugh and says to the man, "that is a talented octopus, he is indeed special but not enough to win the bet. What is everybody drinking then?"...
The octopus returns to the bar, to which the man says, " thanks you just cost 200 bucks, how come you couldn't play those bagpipes?" with a confused look on its face the octopus replied, "Play 'em, I was trying to FCUK 'em!"
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An engineer passes away and is mystically transported to some pearly gates where a bearded concierge looking man was fiddling about at a desk. The engineer walks up to the man and learns that he is speaking with St. Peter.

St. Peter looks up from his affairs to greet the engineer, "Hello, welcome to heaven, may I please have your reservation?" The engineer exclaimed, "I am Cosmo Kramer."
St. Peter browses his records and says, "Ah, Mr Kramer, it seems that we weren't expecting you for a couple of days and thusly have no room for you at the present moment... hmmm. I may have to put you in hell for a temporary bit of time. Lucifer owes me, so this should be no problem." Mr Kramer is then relocated to hell.

3 days pass, and St. Peter informs god of Mr. Kramer's impending arrival, so god then calls Lu. "Hey Lu, thanks for the solid, but we're ready for kramer, so you can ship him up asap, alright?"
Lucifer, thinking about the new central air-conditioning, the escalators installed and the new water park that Mr. Kramer had helped him engineer says, "I don't think I want to send him over to you. Hell has never been better thanks to him."

God is shocked, but not really, at Satan's disobedience and in a booming voice says, "Satan, if you do not return Mr. Kramer I will be forced to sue you." To which Satan slyly responded, "Yeah, well where you going to get a lawyer?".
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[speede5]

On a tour of Florida , the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an Calgary Stampeders jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Saskatchewan Roughriders jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Stampeders fan from the water. Then using baseball bats, the three heroes in green beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions,” he told them. “I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Roughriders & Stampeders fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.”

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies “Who was that?”

“It was the Pope, ” one replied. “He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom.”

“Well,” the harpooner said, “he may have access to God’s wisdom, but he doesn’t know **** about shark fishing… how’s the bait holding up?”