Is your wife, girlfriend or partner ALWAYS exhausted???

[curves2000]

Originally Posted by Wormius

So she didn’t know why she was tired when you asked her, and you guys just left it at that?

Well we figured if she was ok medically and this appeared to be a common theme amongst a lot of younger women in our age group, it is what it is. Support as best as you can, focus on things you can control and hope for the best.

As I mentioned, this appeared to be a more wide spread issue so I just left it at that after discussions with friends about similar issues

[Winsor_Pilates]

Originally Posted by Manhattanboy

My wife is always exhausted it seems.

Thankfully my girlfriend is not.

Should be the reverse

[CliffFletcher]

Originally Posted by blender

I started university at 28 and I was shocked at how unprepared and disengaged some of my younger classmates were. I wondered many times what exactly were people thinking paying so much for something they didn't seem to care about.

Same with me when I went back at age 23. When most students in university today already don’t give a #### and are just there because it’s expected of them, I don’t see why we want to push even more to young people into that path. We’d just be completing the transformation of university into a mandatory extension of high school, while eroding standards and devaluing degrees even more.

[fotze2]

Originally Posted by CliffFletcher

Same with me when I went back at age 23. When most students in university today already don’t give a #### and are just there because it’s expected of them, I don’t see why we want to push even more to young people into that path. We’d just be completing the transformation of university into a mandatory extension of high school, while eroding standards and devaluing degrees even more.

I'm definitely second guessing my kid jumping in so fast. Hell, he couldn't legally drink for the first 3 months. Hauge step living on his own and going in a different city at 17. I actually wanted him to take a gap year but he definitely did not want too. Hoping this doesn't bite him in the ass.

[GirlySports]

Originally Posted by flylock shox

I don't know why childless women would complain of tiredness or exhaustion more than childless men but I totally get why women with kids would.

Men, generally speaking, aren't as well trained or inherently effective at looking after kids, meaning that even if careers pose an equal strain women tend to be in the leadership role in connection with child rearing and related domestic activities. And I'd say that's generally true even if the husband is highly engaged with looking after the kids.

The shift away from the old model of men working outside the home while women look after the kids has its obvious downsides, but had its upsides too. If it were just a matter of men and women splitting the one job and the domestic duties 50/50 it would probably be hunky dory, but the new model is far more likely to be two full time jobs plus some division of household responsibilities. That's pretty darned tiring for both partners.

Kind of have to reassess and sacrifice something for something. Sacrifice activities for rest. Sacrifice money for this in order to spend money for that. Example, if you're dead tired, hire help, take one less trip a year or eat out one less time per week. Before the pandemic, both my husband and I worked fulltime and we have two kids. I had to hire a cleaner once every 3 weeks. Since pandemic, my husband works from home fulltime so he can clean whenever. But you have to judge your own situation, can't have everything.

Story 1: I know a couple who have a 2 year old and a 4 year old, absolutely no tv. Kids can't watch tv, they can't watch tv to set an example. Wife is convinced tv will warped kids (my kids watched tv endlessly since birth and if they're warped, so be it). But they work fulltime and have to spend every other minute with their kids because, no tv. And they complain that it's so hard. Well, let your kids watch tv! even for 30 minites so you can lie down.

Story 2: I was at the gym in Saturday, I have a weekly zumba class (10:30 to 11:30). It's like my one escape. I was in the changeroom at 10:15 and heard a mom hurrying her 3ish year old daughter, "Hurry up honey, we've got to get to the library for storytime at 10:30." Then I came out, she met her husband and her other two sons.

So on a Saturday, this couple (who may or may not work full time, i don't know them) got their 3 kids up on a Saturday morning, took them to swimming lessons 9-10am, then turn around and go to storytime at the library, then probably go for lunch and then whatever else later in the day. That is a lot and I immediately thought of this thread.

I think people are tired because they want perfection. A family must be this way. Big house, two kids, a dog, then kids need to be in these activities, must do this in school, must behave this way. Parents must have date nights, family must go on trips... I think people just corner themselves and have no energy left, not just physical but mental too.

[CliffFletcher]

Originally Posted by flylock shox

Men, generally speaking, aren't as well trained or inherently effective at looking after kids, meaning that even if careers pose an equal strain women tend to be in the leadership role in connection with child rearing and related domestic activities. And I'd say that's generally true even if the husband is highly engaged with looking after the kids.

Other than breastfeeding, there aren’t any child-rearing tasks that a man can’t carry out as well as a woman. We have twins (and we bottle-fed), so I was just as engaged with our kids as my wife from day one. Feeding, swaddling, soothing, changing diapers, bathing them, getting them dressed - everything. A 1:1 ratio of infant to adult doesn’t leave you much choice. She had one and I had one, and each of them cried for their assigned parent when they needed reassurance.

IMHO, the gender difference in child-reading isn’t aptitude, it’s interest. I could always put the kids out of mind when I took breaks. My wife couldn’t.

That has continued through childhood and teens. When my wife and her friends get together socially, the main thing they talk about is their kids. What activities they’re in, how they’re doing in school, what jobs they’re getting, etc. So when I get home from hanging out with a buddy, my wife will ask how his daughter enjoyed camp, or if she got the job she applied for. I always answer I have no idea, our families never came up in conversation. Which exasperates her.

[puckedoff]

And another thing! Do your guys wives take forever to get ready and get to the car? My kids and I will be sitting in the car for 5-10 minutes before my wife finally comes out, juggling the kids gym bags and water bottles and snacks.

[Bigtime]

Originally Posted by puckedoff

And another thing! Do your guys wives take forever to get ready and get to the car? My kids and I will be sitting in the car for 5-10 minutes before my wife finally comes out, juggling the kids gym bags and water bottles and snacks.

That's bait.

[bc-chris]

Originally Posted by CliffFletcher

Other than breastfeeding, there aren’t any child-rearing tasks that a man can’t carry out as well as a woman. We have twins (and we bottle-fed), so I was just as engaged with our kids as my wife from day one. Feeding, swaddling, soothing, changing diapers, bathing them, getting them dressed - everything. A 1:1 ratio of infant to adult doesn’t leave you much choice. She had one and I had one, and each of them cried for their assigned parent when they needed reassurance.

IMHO, the gender difference in child-reading isn’t aptitude, it’s interest. I could always put the kids out of mind when I took breaks. My wife couldn’t.

That has continued through childhood and teens. When my wife and her friends get together socially, the main thing they talk about is their kids. What activities they’re in, how they’re doing in school, what jobs they’re getting, etc. So when I get home from hanging out with a buddy, my wife will ask how his daughter enjoyed camp, or if she got the job she applied for. I always answer I have no idea, our families never came up in conversation. Which exasperates her.

ha - this sounds like me. come home from hockey and tell my wife that "john and his wife had a baby". she immediately asks "boy or girl? what did they name it? what was it's weight? what time was it born? did everything go fine with the delivery? etc."
i reply... "john and his wife had a baby". ha!

[MoneyGuy]

Originally Posted by puckedoff

And another thing! Do your guys wives take forever to get ready and get to the car? My kids and I will be sitting in the car for 5-10 minutes before my wife finally comes out, juggling the kids gym bags and water bottles and snacks.

And it makes no difference how much time she has to get ready. She can know of a commitment days (or weeks) in advance and she’s still always 10 minutes late.

[kermitology]

Those of you who are dads and seem to just expect your partner to do most of the heavy lifting need to give your head a shake. It's not that challenging to be present with your kids, it's tiring, sure, but it's very doable.

That being said, I would wager that most of the women in most of our lives are dealing with some form of trauma as well, and keeping up the mask of not properly dealing with that is exhausting. Chronic dis-ease will lead to nervous system disregulation and that will lead to exhaustion and eventually illness. This is the story of my wife, she kept up this artificial drive to keep going, always scheduled us to the tits, and then she got covid and her body basically shut down.

She now has long covid manifesting as chronic fatigue syndrome, and has been forced to look inward through things like mindfulness, meditation, and somatic therapies. Heck, I've found the value in mindfulness and it's been life changing for me after almost 2 years of being sole care giver for two kids (11 and almost 9) and my wife.

[TorqueDog]

Reading this thread, it seems the biggest mistake everyone has made is having kids.

Originally Posted by pylon

I wish.

My wife is 41 and doesn't stop. Up at 6:00 or earlier every day to work out. Goes to work a 9-10 hour day, comes home, walks the dogs for 45 minutes, and sometimes works out again. Having a gym in the basement helps.

We go camping to 'relax'. Hey, I really would like to try a new hike. And by hike, it's not the typical social media cheater, let's go 1/3 of the way and take selfies for instagram and pretend we made it to the top... no, let's hike a frikking mountain and sign the register at the top.

Mountain biking is done in the literal sense. She's a frikking walking, breathing, Monster Energy drink. And most of her friends around the same age seem to be the same. Maybe there's some sort of generational thing going on. Or maybe it's the company she keeps.

In the end I don't mind as it keeps me fitter and mentally younger than I'd otherwise be, but sometimes it would be nice to relax, relax. Not "OMG THEY HAVE WHITE WATER RAFTING HERE DID YOU BRING A HELMET!?" relax.

Does your wife have a sister who is single, close to the same age, and equally as energetic?

[timun]

Originally Posted by TorqueDog

Reading this thread, it seems the biggest mistake everyone has made is having kids.

I'm neither married nor have kids, and I'm ####ing exhausted pretty much all the time. I have no idea how people manage.

[TrentCrimmIndependent]

I love seize the day types - for the summer months.

I'm not reenacting scenes from the Revenant every weekend in the winter.

[TorqueDog]

Originally Posted by timun

I'm neither married nor have kids, and I'm ####ing exhausted pretty much all the time. I have no idea how people manage.

Stop boning so much, dude, you need a recovery day.

Also, eat better and exercise more.

[undercoverbrother]

Originally Posted by TorqueDog

Reading this thread, it seems the biggest mistake everyone has made is having kids

#### no, it's near the hardest thing I have done.

Spending time in a Eastern European Jail was bigger mistake.

[Cowboy89]

Originally Posted by TorqueDog

Reading this thread, it seems the biggest mistake everyone has made is having kids.

Not at all. The mistake is the artificial parenting standards that comes with being a parent today vs. years gone by. The overboard of extra curricular activities, the special diet for your kids or over-stressing over whether they eat too much added sugar / whatever we're worried about now, the anti-screentime decrees, Jillian Harris and all those evil influencers modeling daily what you're family life 'should be like', etc. etc. etc. At the end of the day it's the parents that absorb all of the stress of providing these 'optimal environments' for raising children and asymmetrically this is felt by women because they are externally/internally judged/pressured by society, and socially for it.

GirlySports' post about the parents who hate their lives because they insist on a 'no TV' standard regardless of what it commits the parents time to hits it bang on.

[timun]

Originally Posted by TorqueDog

Stop boning so much, dude, you need a recovery day.

Ha, thanks for the compliment.

Also, eat better and exercise more.

sigh, yeah yeah...

[you&me]

Originally Posted by TorqueDog

Reading this thread, it seems the biggest mistake everyone has made is having kids.

Maybe people don't have enough kids ... We have more than most and I would say my wife is definitely not tired all the time... That's probably how we ended up with so many.

More seriously, there might be something to this... I know people that have one or two kids and they find having to keep them entertained all the time can be exhausting, especially during the summer, or worse, lockdowns... There's something to be said about your kids being able to keep themselves occupied, which helps with adult downtime.

That, and stress... I still think chronic fatigue caused by stress is a hugely prevalent problem and a lot of people don't connect the dots. And it's not always huge stressors, but more often a sort of 'death by a thousand cuts' situation.

[TorqueDog]

Originally Posted by undercoverbrother

#### no, it's near the hardest thing I have done.

Spending time in a Eastern European Jail was bigger mistake.

Why, was your prison job to work at the daycare?

Originally Posted by Cowboy89

Not at all. The mistake is the artificial parenting standards that comes with being a parent today vs. years gone by. The overboard of extra curricular activities, the special diet for your kids or over-stressing over whether they eat too much added sugar / whatever we're worried about now, the anti-screentime decrees, Jillian Harris and all those evil influencers modeling daily what you're family life 'should be like', etc. etc. etc. At the end of the day it's the parents that absorb all of the stress of providing these 'optimal environments' for raising children and asymmetrically this is felt by women because they are externally/internally judged/pressured by society, and socially for it.

GirlySports' post about the parents who hate their lives because they insist on a 'no TV' standard regardless of what it commits the parents time to hits it bang on.

Oh yeah, parents these days think they can make everything so perfect that their child is some kind of super baby and it just isn't the case. AND they're burning themselves out in the process.

I was ever so unfortunate to end up in such a position (I've never heard of a vasectomy magically healing after it has been verified successful for 6+ months), the kid would need to fit into our lives and not the other way around.