Dating a friends ex.

[GGG]

Have you been in other relationships post your wife dying?

If not are you seeing this as easy and comfortable. And this might not be the best first relationship. So if you have dated since then and know what you are wanting out of the relationship and know the baggage and risk associated go ahead. I don't see anything unethical about it.

It does likely cost you the friendship either way and will be a strain on the relationship.

[DuffMan]

I'd get drunk with her on something like tequila and discuss it.

[Slava]

I think it's pretty simple. If you're actually interested in whether your friend would care, ask him. You just have to be prepared for a less than positive response. I don't think anonymous people on a message board can answer this for you, although they might help you feel better about something if you've already decided to go ahead.

[CalgaryFan1988]

Originally Posted by Smartcar

Just that if he is, and you end up together he might be resentful that he's contributing financially to your household and it may cause extra friction. Not to suggest that if he isn't he's a bigger jerk.

Gotcha. Yes anytime she dates someone new he threatens to cut the child support.

[CalgaryFan1988]

Originally Posted by Slava

I think it's pretty simple. If you're actually interested in whether your friend would care, ask him. You just have to be prepared for a less than positive response. I don't think anonymous people on a message board can answer this for you, although they might help you feel better about something if you've already decided to go ahead.

Yeah, I just don't know anybody that's really been with a friends ex wife. Don't know many people with ex wives TBH

Thought maybe some people here would have some stories of their own, from experiences. I've got some from each side so it leaves me optimistic. Cautiously optimistic.

[CalgaryFan1988]

Originally Posted by GGG

Have you been in other relationships post your wife dying?

If not are you seeing this as easy and comfortable. And this might not be the best first relationship. So if you have dated since then and know what you are wanting out of the relationship and know the baggage and risk associated go ahead. I don't see anything unethical about it.

It does likely cost you the friendship either way and will be a strain on the relationship.

This would be my second relationship after the passing of my wife.

[Slava]

Originally Posted by CalgaryFan1988

Yeah, I just don't know anybody that's really been with a friends ex wife. Don't know many people with ex wives TBH

Thought maybe some people here would have some stories of their own, from experiences. I've got some from each side so it leaves me optimistic. Cautiously optimistic.

Yeah I get that, but really you should talk to him about it. I know if it was me on the other side and one of my friends just hooked up with an ex behind my back I wouldn't be thrilled. I might not be thrilled either way, to be honest, but that's just me. I would expect a friend of mine to at least give me that courtesy though.

And to be clear, I don't think it has to do with 'ownership' or anything like that. Its just that emotionally that seems like it would be hard to deal with. I have no idea though, and haven't been in that position.

[stang]

Sorry to hear about your wife

[CliffFletcher]

You need to give us some idea why this guy is even your friend. Because personally, I wouldn't feel especially cautious about hurting the feelings of a guy who cheated on his wife, rarely sees his kids, and is still possesive of her. He'd be my ex-friend already.

[DownhillGoat]

Originally Posted by CalgaryFan1988

Gotcha. Yes anytime she dates someone new he threatens to cut the child support.

I don't think that's how child support works.

[vanisleflamesfan]

Nm

[To Be Quite Honest]

Originally Posted by CliffFletcher

You need to give us some idea why this guy is even your friend. Because personally, I wouldn't feel especially cautious about hurting the feelings of a guy who cheated on his wife, rarely sees his kids, and is still possesive of her. He'd be my ex-friend already.

Also, if he truly is a terrible person, think about the difficulty that he could create and how hard it would be for the children. If he is possessive, vindictive and small, he may be even worse to the both of you because you "stabbed him in the back" and made it "personal" in his mind. I'm not saying it's right, but the fight it would create would be extra-daunting. Court dates, lawyer visits, crying, sobbing, child drop-off arguments, affidavits, lies, and all around misery. Then if it becomes too much for the two of you and you break up, she is left with it all by herself.

How old are the kids?

[CalgaryFan1988]

Originally Posted by kunkstyle

I don't think that's how child support works.

It does when she has no money to take him to court to fight for more.

[CalgaryFan1988]

Originally Posted by To Be Quite Honest

Also, if he truly is a terrible person, think about the difficulty that he could create and how hard it would be for the children. If he is possessive, vindictive and small, he may be even worse to the both of you because you "stabbed him in the back" and made it "personal" in his mind. I'm not saying it's right, but the fight it would create would be extra-daunting. Court dates, lawyer visits, crying, sobbing, child drop-off arguments, affidavits, lies, and all around misery. Then if it becomes too much for the two of you and you break up, she is left with it all by herself.

How old are the kids?

Kids are 9 and 7.

I think it's more of a headache than anything. I don't want to cause problems for her and the kids either.

[CalgaryFan1988]

Originally Posted by CliffFletcher

You need to give us some idea why this guy is even your friend. Because personally, I wouldn't feel especially cautious about hurting the feelings of a guy who cheated on his wife, rarely sees his kids, and is still possesive of her. He'd be my ex-friend already.

Honestly, I didn't know most of this stuff until his ex and I started our relationship. Granted I knew about the cheating. He acts like he's super dad to all his friends.

[CorsiHockeyLeague]

... Have we really gotten 8 pages without anyone doing this?

Sigh.

Fine...

Ahem.

This thread is useless without pics.

[calgarywinning]

This is starting to be like the neighbourhood thread.

[longsuffering]

Originally Posted by pylon

Of all the women I have had in my life, there is only one, I would even pick up my phone for at that time of night, and it would likely be because I was assuming she wanted a piece of pylon.

Very classy Pylon. Small wonder you can't form relationships with women.

[longsuffering]

Originally Posted by To Be Quite Honest

I'm sure the mother hasn't been the most approachable super respectful ex-wife as much as he's been a distant horrible ex-husband.

How the hell could you claim to know that?

[Nyah]

Honestly I think life it too short to worry about what other people think. If you think you & this woman have a shot at happiness, absolutely go for it. These people with their absolutes are hilarious, that it's never okay to date a friends ex. That's ridiculous. Think about dating in the modern world for a 30-40 year old. Tinder? PoF? It's far easier to date and develop meaningful relationships within your social circle. I have a few friends who have done this and everyone is an adult about it. My sister-in-law's ex husband started dating her friend from elementary school, they have kids and it doesn't make my sister-in-law bitter, nor did it make her old friend a bad friend. They're happy, and that's kind of what life is all about.