Social Awkwardness : tell a funny story

[Table 5]

Originally Posted by hayduke's dad

I give her a lame one and she tells me to really push like I am having a bowel movement. Well I do and I blast off a huge fart in her face while her finger is still up there feeling the force. I could have died.

If it makes you feel better, that's not the worst thing that could happen in that region. My brothers a GI, and apparently someone sharted all over him last week.

[coaster]

Originally Posted by fotze

You should have yelled: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TOOTH!!

I wish I could thank that more.

[Nehkara]

Way back in 2005, I was at the Village Square Leisure Centre wave pool with my girlfriend.

Back then my eyes were pretty bad (laser eye surgery is awesome) and I obviously didn't have my glasses in the pool.

I got separated from my girlfriend (I think I went to the washroom or something).

When I got back to the wave pool I waded out and started looking around for her.

I saw her and decided to sneak up on her since she had her back turned to me.

Got right up to her and grabbed her around the waist... not my girlfriend.

It was a teen girl with the same long red hair, same body shape, and THE SAME SWIM SUIT.

I was extremely flustered, as was the girl (she just had a stranger grab her from behind). I fled, as rapidly as you can in a wave pool, while uttering a long string of apologies.

[Hemi-Cuda]

Never, EVER "assume" a girl is pregnant. I learned that one the hard way

Also it's the Friday before a long weekend and as a co-worker's leaving I mean to say "Have a good one". But my brain decides to incorporate the long weekend part in that and it comes out "Have a good long one". And yes, co-worker was female

[TheGrimm]

Originally Posted by squiggs96

So, you're telling us that you'd rather have some ugly old guy, possibly with giant sausage fingers, put his finger in your ass, instead of a cute 20 year old girl? I'm not one to care about your preferences in gender, but if I have the option, I'm taking the hot girl every time. I'd also guess her fingers were more slender.

I had an inguinal hernia a few years ago and got the ultrasound. I was way more comfortable having a female take care of it, than I would have if it was a male.

We never go to the part of my testicular exam where she put a finger in my ass unfortunately.

[CaptainYooh]

Originally Posted by TheGrimm

We never go to the part of my testicular exam where she put a finger in my ass unfortunately.

Unfortunately or inadvertently?

[shermanator]

Was at a pub one night with a big group of people. Sitting beside me on one side was my girlfriend, and on the other side was a buddy of mine. After a few drinks I start to get a little more touchy feely so I go to rub the girlfriend's leg.

But instead of her leg I started rubbing my buddy's leg.

[Machiavelli]

Originally Posted by hulkrogan

I had a female doctor who seemed pretty laid back, and maybe a bit of a party animal, that had to check out some equipment down below.

She tells me to drop my pants, and I ask "Aren't you at least going to buy me dinner first?"

Dead, unimpressed, silence.

Apparently that's not an appropriate thing to joke about when someone is about to manhandle your man-handle.

Originally Posted by squiggs96

It was probably the first time she'd heard it. She just didn't know how to react.

I've heard that before, but both times before I was about to perform a rectal exam.

And no, it's not a good time to make that kind of joke.

[Ashartus]

When I was young I was a bit shy around women. I was at a New Years party talking to a girl I knew who was quite attractive, really nice, and I definitely would have been interested in. She asked what my New Year's resolution was going to be, and I joked that I was going to resolve to chase more women. She replied "Well, you should give me a call sometime."

At this point my brain completely shut off and instead of doing anything sensible, I went into wise-crack mode and said "What, you want to chase women too?"

It was several days later that I woke up in the middle of the night and realized what I had done. Unfortunately too late by then since she pretty much never spoke to me again.

[MolsonInBothHands]

Took the family to Ainsworth Hot Springs once, when my son was between 2 and 3 years old. We were sitting in the main pool, minding our own business, and the tyke was splashing around having fun. He suddenly stopped everything he was doing to watch a very black guy come and sit down right beside us. My son blurted out very loudly, "Daaaad, loooook, that guy is burrrrrrnt!" I could not hang my head low enough. The gentleman handled it very well, he smiled and explained with a very cool accent that in his country the legend goes that god took the first batch out of the oven and it was the under cooked white man, so he let the second batch bake longer for perfection.

After the swim, I take the boy to the change rooms. I lay him out on a bench to change his trunks. Further up the bench is a wrinkly old codger drying himself off, sitting naked. My son decides it's a good idea to reach up past his head, and tickle the guy's ass, while giving the obligatory mischievous "Tickle, tickle, tickle!" The old codger was not impressed!

[V]

At least your kid didn't say he was dirty. My 3 year old pulled that one.

My brother when he was about 5 once walked up to a guy in a public washroom, poked his stomach and said "You're fat!" that was pretty funny.

Sorry for turning this into kids say the darnedest things...

[Mr.Coffee]

My entire life is one long string of awkward situations. I don't even know where to start here.

[mrdonkey]

Originally Posted by Wormius

Another time, when I was much younger in Kelowna, I really didn't care much about my clothes and just wore whatever I could find, because I was a broke student. This particular time, I didn't have any underwear, but I didn't really think about it. I was biking along the highway and this lady does a double-take, sticks her head out the window and yells, "nice balls!". I looked down and noticed that there was a gigantic rip in my shorts and I had been exposing myself to everybody.

"Thanks, you too!"

[Maritime Q-Scout]

Back in my retail days this was very common for me:

Our store was very casual and laid back, despite being an electronics store which is generally high pressures sales. Our store was generally an oasis for guys in the mall as they'd come in, we'd greet you and if you were just looking we'd say "if you have any questions let us know" and then leave you the hell alone.

However, on days that were heavy on operations, say a new sale setup, or an usually large stock shipment had come in, I'd be running around trying to get my work done. Customers were almost a hassle. These days inevitably fell on slow sales days.

On countless occasions I'd go up to a customer, greet them, they'd say they're just looking and I'd let them be and go back to work. Then like 10 minutes later, I'd see a customer in the store and greet the same customer as I would if I never saw them before. Usually the reaction would give away that I was already talking to them. I'd apologize and say I'm busy and didn't want to ignore him, "feel free to take your time, just ignore me".

The best is 10 minutes after that when my goldfish brain goes "oh look a customer!" And of walk up to the very same customer, smile and say "hi there, is there anything I can help you… oh for the love of God, I'm sorry dude, I don't mean to bug you, I'll tell you what if you see me coming, just smack me, I deserve it!" That usually got a laugh rather than annoying the customer to the point they'd rather be show shopping with the wife.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

There was one day, oh about 12 years ago this customer was having problems with his Bell ExpressVu receiver. He said he "talked to Bell" but we didn't believe him and attempted to trouble shoot over the phone. It didn't work, so we asked him to bring it in.

A few hours later this guy shows up with his receiver and tells us the problem. There's no picture and it's just plain not working. So myself and the other guy working take it over to our TV wall. Now the easiest way to hook the receiver up was to unplug the DVD player that was showin the content on the TVs and using those cables to plug in the receiver. Makes sense right?

So we plug in the receiver, we turn it on, then … showing on every TV in the store, for the entire mall to see, old ladies, little kids and their mothers got to see full penetration as the last channel buddy was watching was one of Bell's porn channels! Huzzah

[Sr. Mints]

nm