My wife & I are separating

[troutman]

Originally Posted by bossy22

I paid less than $5k for my lawyer, but I interviewed 5 lawyers before I picked mine. We had gone through mediation before, and had agreed upon our assets. I then found a lawyer who was willing to just get the rest of the process completed without going after more, which was surprisingly tough. The usual response was, "it's in your best interest if we go over her banking and taxes, etc." When I said, "I don't care, we've come to an agreement, which I feel is fair", most of the lawyers said I'm probably getting screwed. I just said, I know I am, and I accept that. They all seemed to have an agenda to get try to get more money, which means a battle, which in turn can get ugly, and more expensive. I wanted it done, for me and the kids.
My lawyer let me do it my way. She had a more expensive retainer, but in the end, saved me a lot more.

This has more to do with lawyers protecting themselves from negligence claims. They don't want to be sued when the client later regrets not getting as much as they could have.

[Pinner]

The stories I've heard over the years and the absolute crippling child support some guys pay, it really is a wonder why violence isn't more common.

[troutman]

Originally Posted by Pinner

The stories I've heard over the years and the absolute crippling child support some guys pay, it really is a wonder why violence isn't more common.

http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-...pen/index.html

The Federal Child Support Guidelines (Federal Guidelines) are regulations made under the Divorce Act. They set out some rules and tables to show how much child support parents should pay when they divorce. The child support amounts in the tables reflect what parents living in the same province, with the same incomes and the same number of children would spend on their children.

The goal of the Federal Guidelines is to set a fair standard of support for children. The Federal Guidelines have been shown to reduce conflict and tension between parents because they make child support calculations fair, objective and predictable. They also help parents come to an agreement about support by themselves so they do not have to go to court. Going to court can be an expensive, time consuming and stressful experience but it may be necessary in some cases.

http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-...1_4/alta_b.pdf

[JustAnotherGuy]

Originally Posted by flamesaresmokin

The fact that someone wants to discuss their failing marriage with strangers on a message board is concerning. Especially when the depth of discussion is "get a good lawyer" or "she is probably cheating". How is this helpful to anyone? IMO this is one step away from asking someone on the street how to raise your children.

He is gathering some information to make a more informed decision. You are missing all of the private IMs that are taking place.

I repeat he is gathering information to make his own decision. Just like sometimes parents will talk to other people about raising children.

[mikey_the_redneck]

Originally Posted by Pinner

The stories I've heard over the years and the absolute crippling child support some guys pay, it really is a wonder why violence isn't more common.

That's what the gun registry is really for.....

[amorak]

Originally Posted by mikey_the_redneck

That's what the gun registry is really for.....

I've begun to wonder if your name and your comments is more a schtick than your actual views -

[Ice]

A friend of mine is getting divorced for very similar reasons. There is no specific event that caused them to separate. There was no cheating, no addictions, no abuse, just growing apart that eventually became fully grown apart. She felt if they didn't divorce they would end up hating each other and neither of them wanted that.

They have two kids, a home, joint investments and no lawyers. It is actually the healthiest "divorce" I've witnessed. They sat down, added up all the income and expenses, how much it would cost for him to get set up in an apartment. She was home raising kids so once she got a job, they sat down again, and together figured out how much money he would have to give her to keep up the bills on the family home and take care of the kids and a little extra for her to put in a savings account each month.

She and the kids will stay in the family house until the market picks up and then they can sell it and split the proceeds. He has a sizeable pension which he will give her half of when they divorce. Because medical insurance is so expensive at her new job, they've decided to put off actually getting divorced until she has access to better insurance, this way she and the kids are still covered with his. They live separate lives and never argue about money or badmouth the other parent to the kids. They made the decision early on that the kids were the most important thing in all of this and they needed to be impacted as little as possible. Its amazing when you decide to put the kids first and two people who are dedicated to being fair to the other, the nuts and bolts of the divorce can be pretty smooth.

The emotional part is draining enough, there is no need to get totally caught up in the game of yours and mine. You wouldn't believe how fast those kids got used to this new living arrangement and never question if both parents love them. I have nothing but respect for both of the adults in this situation. They should write a book on how to get divorced.

[Antithesis]

I'd like to contribute to this by saying that, when my parents divorced (in my late teens) they were very careful to not bad mouth each other around me and my brother. I can not put into words how much I appreciate that. Now, years later, they are able to socialize with each other if they are at an event that calls on each to be present. Contrast this with my wife's cousin, whose parents have been separated for over 20 years and are to this day unable to look at the other without venom spewing. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to go through what you are right now, but I can tell you without equivocation that your children will appreciate it so much if you handle this the way my parents did.

And hey, posting on CP for things like this could be a really good thing too ... sometimes it can be helpful to talk to people who a little more removed from the situation that your 'real life' friends are.

[afc wimbledon]

After 14 years of marriage when my ex decided she didn't want to be married anymore it took me about 3 years to get to some sense of normal in my life, not that it was awefull just strange, I can remeber waking up in the middle of the night with the new girlfriend thinking I had cheated on my wife. took me a few foggy minutes to remember I was seperated.

Get a good lawyer, spend as much time as you can spend with your kids as possible (at the expense of your girlfriends and if they don't understand show em the door), keep going it does get better, don't find the first single mother on the block to remarry and don't argue about stuff as it will cost you more in court than to buy it all new are about all I can suggest.

[kipperiggy]

As another child of divorce speaking up, I cannot stress enough how important it is to try not to bad-mouth each other in front of your kids. My mom never bad-mouthed my dad but for the first 5-6 years my dad caused all sorts of trouble that I just haven't been able to forgive him for. And I'm sure you don't want that for your two beautiful children!

I know it sucks, but you can get through it!

[PIMking]

when my sperm donor and mum split up he did nothing but bad mouth my mom and marry 4 more women.

Needless to say I don't speak with the idiot.

[CrazyCaper]

Status update...

I have been separated from my wife for approximately 5 months now and have decided to go through with an "uncontested divorce". After doing alot of research, I feel this will be the best way to just put all the issues such as home ownership to rest. I was hoping this was going to be an amicable split with us remaining friends, but this will definitely not be the case. We've already discussed shared custody of the kids and are currently working on an agreement that will see each of us care for the children 2 weeks/month.

Has anyone else been through an uncontested divorce and can shed some light into how this will affect my life moving forward?

Thanks in advance for your insight and advice.

CrazyCaper

[jolinar of malkshor]

Stay positive man. (slap on the back)

[Traditional_Ale]

Regardless of what some posters may have said, I'm happy for you that you feel comfortable turning to CP sometimes through this and welcome your posts. Best of luck buddy!

[HOOT]

Originally Posted by CrazyCaper

We've already discussed shared custody of the kids and are currently working on an agreement that will see each of us care for the children 2 weeks/month.

I can't really offer any advice since I've never been divorced let alone married but this is truly the worst part of it, the kids. I know my little brothers (now 11 & 13) had to go through this one week on, one week off stuff for the last 6 years and they hate it. It makes them feel like they truly don't have a home because they are moving every week. I know parents want to be apart of their child's life as much as possible and child support can be ridiculous but stability for children is just as important if not more important. It sucks so many kids have to grow up this way now.

I hope you two can sort it out and if you can't be friends at least be civil around each other when the kids are around and try not trash talking each other to the kids because it will only make the kids confused and feel like they need to pick a side in the fight when really they should just be kids and not have to be mommy or daddy's therapist.

Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but just having two little brothers going through this right now I feel for them and it makes me wish other kids didn't have to go through it.

[J pold]

I recall the first real piece of investment advice I got as an intern.

1. Don't get married

2. If you do get married don't get divorced

Anyway sorry to hear about that man. Rube is right make it as easy on your kids as possible.

[4X4]

Originally Posted by J pold

I recall the first real piece of investment advice I got as an intern.

1. Don't get married

2. If you do get married don't get divorced

Anyway sorry to hear about that man. Rube is right make it as easy on your kids as possible.

My uncle says 'love is grand; divorce is a few hundred grand'.

[HeartsOfFire]

My grandfather says "You think Marriage is expensive? Consider the high cost of leaving."

That's why I'm not considering marriage unless I'm absolutely certain.

[Starfishy]

Originally Posted by HeartsOfFire

My grandfather says "You think Marriage is expensive? Consider the high cost of leaving."

That's why I'm not considering marriage unless I'm absolutely certain.

It is an interesting approach to consider marriage as a purely economic rationalization. Have you considered the fact that the OP has gained a great deal from this marriage. He is lucky enough to have children that are worth fighting for custody over. It is hard to put a price tag on family.

I have heard a couple posters on here say they intend on never getting married because of the costs, sometimes I don't think they realize how much having a family can be worth. I guess children are not for everyone.

[chemgear]

Originally Posted by Starfishy

It is an interesting approach to consider marriage as a purely economic rationalization. Have you considered the fact that the OP has gained a great deal from this marriage. He is lucky enough to have children that are worth fighting for custody over. It is hard to put a price tag on family.

I have heard a couple posters on here say they intend on never getting married because of the costs, sometimes I don't think they realize how much having a family can be worth. I guess children are not for everyone.

Marriage is hardly a prerequisite for having kids/a family. Or vice versa.