"Cheesey" Jokes that still make you laugh...

[calf]

A man walks into a bar holding some jumper cables. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

[Frank@75]

A young couple were taking the train home to calgary, looking forward
to getting home after a long trip. As the train moved through the night
they both fell asleep listening to the drone of the rails.

Suddenly there was a load crash, and they were thrown violently from their seats. Just as quickly everything returned to normal and the train resumed it's journey.

That morning when the train arrived home in Calgary, the husband complemented the conductor on how smooth a ride it had been, but what had caused that late night commotion.

The conductor replied "Oh that, well, we hit an Oiler fan sleeping in front of the train".

The husband was shocked. "You hit an Oiler fan on the railway tracks?"

"Naw", said the conductor,"He was in the middle of the field, but we got him anyways!!"

[Dion]

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.

Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."

[La Flames Fan]

Originally Posted by Hack&Lube

FATA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



A man walks into a bar.














































































http://forum.calgarypuck.com/showpos...7&postcount=60

Yes! I got Fata'd! Wicked!

[Hemi-Cuda]

a primitive native tribe in Africa is shook with disturbing news when it is learned that their chief can no longer pass gas. as this is their customary way of expressing contentment and gratitude after a community meal, a messenger is dispatched right away to the nearest town for a remedy. when the native boy reaches the town doctor, he is having difficulty communicating and the doctor can only make out 4 words

"Big chief, no fart"

realizing what tribe the boy comes from, the doctor gives him a can of brown beans and advises that the chief eat it to ease the symptoms. the next day however the boy messanger returns to the doctor and utters the same 4 words

"Big chief, no fart"

the doctor is slightly perplexed, but decides to give the boy 2 cans of brown beans to give to the cheif as their tribe generally shuns western medicine. but yet again the next day, the boy is back and repeats the same phrase

"Big chief, no fart"

the doctor is frustrated at this point, and decides to make a pot of his most potent chili with some tasteless lacitives added in for good measure. confident that this remedy will finally work, he gives the pot to the boy and sends him back to his tribe. the boy still comes back the next day though, this time noticeably depressed. the doctor sighs and throws up his arms in exasperation

"Don't tell me that big chief STILL no fart"

the boy shakes his head, and says

"Big fart, no chief"

[Dion]

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. It was one of those massive stores that has every department imaginable. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow, Friday morning, and I'll come and see you when we close up."

When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time, he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, "Well, that looked good! How many sales did you make today?"

"That was the only one," said the young salesman.

"Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. You'll have to do better than that! Well, how much was the sale worth?"

"Two hundred twenty seven thousand, three hundred thirty four dollars and change," said the young man.

The boss paused for a moment, blinking a few times. "H... H... How did you manage that?!?"

"Well, when he came in this morning and I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a spear gun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer.

I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a new boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines.

Then, he said that his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, rustproofing, and a built-in refrigerator. Oh, and floor mats."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!"

"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a blanket."

"A blanket?" "Yeah, an extra blanket for the couch. He just had a fight with his wife and was sleeping on the couch. I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's ruined, so you might as well go fishing...'"

[ken0042]

Originally Posted by Hemi-Cuda

a primitive native tribe in Africa is shook with disturbing news when it is learned that their chief can no longer pass gas..........

FATA!

http://forum.calgarypuck.com/showpos...5&postcount=55

[SportsJunky]

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender looks at him and says "Hey, buddy, there's a steering wheel sticking out of your fly". The pirate looks up and replies "Arrr, matey, and it's driving me nuts".

[rockstar]

Originally Posted by Hack&Lube

Mine is the only visual comedy in this thread

Not anymore:

[rockstar]

Q: What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

A: He wipes his ass.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

Person 1: This guy I know down at the supermarket got fired the other day for putting is penis into the pickle slicer

Person 2: My God that's horrible and disgusting... what did they go with the pickle slicer?

Person 1: Oh they fired her too!

[rockstar]

Originally Posted by Devils'Advocate

A tattered and twisted string walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Are you a string? I don't serve strings!"
String replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

I must have enjoyed this joke, because last night I had a dream that I was in a bar. I was trying to pick up a girl, and I used this joke.

She didn't laugh.

Thanks a lot.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

Jim Playfair, Daryl Sutter, and Craig MacTavish are all on a cruise over the summer holidays together. When all of a sudden their ship is taken over my pirates! They tie the three of them up and go to make them walk the plank when the pirate captain came out and said "rrrrr, I'se be in a good mood on this morn. I'll tell you what, if the three of you have a combined penis size of 21 inches, I'll let you go and you can have your boat back."

The three looked at each other, thinking there's no other option they agree.

First Jim Playfair pulls down his pants, the pirates measure... 10 inches!!!

Impressed they move onto Daryl Sutter, pull his pants down and measure... 10 inches!!!

Then they get to the one they call T-Mac. They pull his pants down and measure... once they measure they put the ruler they're using away and take out a measuring tape, then a protractor for good meaure. Sure enough T-Mac comes in with a penis size of ONE INCH!

The pirates say you meet the combined 21 inches and let them go.

On the boat ride back to land Playfair and Sutter say to MacTavish "man we're sure lucky you had that inch there" To which MacTavish replies "boys you're sure lucky I had an erection!"

[Kipper is King]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a pint of beer?"

The bartender replies "For you? No charge!"

[Ro]

Whenever anyone asks me the time, I say "ten to."
If they reply "ten to what?"
I say "ten to your own business." As in "ten(d) to your own business."

So stupid. My best friend's Dad used to say that all the time, and we thought it was so awesome corny. And now I'm continuing the tradition.

Good thread, btw.

[4X4]

A guy is at a restaurant with a new lady friend when he notices the mayor standing at the bar. He excuses himself to 'go to the washroom' and instead approaches the mayor with a little request.
He tells the mayor that he really wants to impress the girl and that his name is Bill Jones and if he could just come over to the table and say hi as though they know eachother.
The mayor hesitates a little, but being a politician, he realizes that this kind of thing is good PR, so he agrees.

A few minutes later, the mayor approaches the table and says "HI BILL! How ya doin?"...
Bill glares at him and growls "EFF OFF, can't you see I'm busy?"

[Antithesis]

No arms, no legs ...

In a pot on the stove?

Stu

Hanging from the wall?

Art

In the bathtub

Dwayne

This blonde walks into an electronics store and says to the salesman, "I would like to buy that TV." The salesman responds, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

She goes home and dyes her hair brown. She goes to the same store and says to the salesman, "I would like to buy that TV." The salesman responds, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

She goes home and dyes her hair red. She goes to the same store and says to the salesman, "I would like to buy that TV." The salesman responds, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." Exasperated, she asks, "How did you know I am a blonde?"

"Because," says the salesman, "That is a microwave."

[fredr123]

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can't hear an en zyme.

[Dion]

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed simply "Dad." Filled with dread, with trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with MaryBeth and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion Dad...she's pregnant.

MaryBeth said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

MaryBeth has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it ourselves and trading it with the other people that live in other trailers nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so MaryBeth can get better. She deserves it. Please don't worry Dad. I'm 15 now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
John

PS. Before you have a heart attack - none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you Dad. Please call me when it's safe to come home.

[transplant99]

No arms, no legs ...

Hanging from the wall?

Art

Same guy with a 12" penis?

Masterpiece.