Social Awkwardness : tell a funny story

[krynski]

1) Highschool, grade 12. Friend throws a party at her house. At the time, I was really good friends with her and was also friends with her younger brother.

I get myself nice and tipsy, and proceed to use the washroom. Out of no-where, a lit sparkler appeared. Needless to say, I was highly surprised along my urine's trajectory. It was not good. I determined that my friend's younger brother had thrown a sparkler under the bathroom door.

2) University time. I had a rough month with gastrointestinal tract issues (Salmonella), following a bout with the flu (SAlmonella was a secondary infection). I decided to take a leak before I left school. I regret that choice.

As I stood by the urinal, I put pressure by flexing my abdominals to expel that last bit of urine. I suppose it worked....but not for urine. I had shat myself.

A busy train ride, and I was home. However, it was a highly noticeable smell, made known by an apparent force-field.

[pylon]

Grade 8 health/sex education.

We had an anonymous question box, that the teacher would read a couple questions at the end of every class. We have one red headed kid in the class, so I put the question in "If i have red hair on my head, does that mean I will get red pubic hair?" So every zones in the red headed kid and has a laugh.

To frame the story right, I had epic acne. Like it looked like my face caught on fire and some put it out with a garden pick. So anyway, the next class rolls around, and the teacher pulls this question out of the box. "If I have acne all over my face, does that mean I will get it all over my dick, and butthole?"

Check. Mate. That was my first experience in being owned.

[bc-chris]

pylon's story reminded me of this one (i think i've shared it before on cp)

like pylon - grade 8 sex-ed class. it was a mixed class. at the end of class the health nurse was taking questions and one girl put up her hand and asked, 'why does semen taste salty?'

that girl was suddenly VERY popular

[hayduke's dad]

A few years ago I had to go see the proctologist. I lay in a cold room under a paper sheet wearing a half paper robe. I was not feeling olympic. In he comes and asks me if it is ok if he brings his student in with him. I agree and in comes this mid 20's girl. I just wanted to get it all over with and get out. Anyway she has her finger up my butt while she is down there and tells me to push like I am having a bowel movement. I give her a lame one and she tells me to really push like I am having a bowel movement. Well I do and I blast off a huge fart in her face while her finger is still up there feeling the force. I could have died. Only one way to come out of that after apologizing and that was to ask her if she wanted to go for lunch later on that week.

[Bill Bumface]

I had a female doctor who seemed pretty laid back, and maybe a bit of a party animal, that had to check out some equipment down below.

She tells me to drop my pants, and I ask "Aren't you at least going to buy me dinner first?"

Dead, unimpressed, silence.

Apparently that's not an appropriate thing to joke about when someone is about to manhandle your man-handle.

[squiggs96]

Originally Posted by hulkrogan

I had a female doctor who seemed pretty laid back, and maybe a bit of a party animal, that had to check out some equipment down below.

She tells me to drop my pants, and I ask "Aren't you at least going to buy me dinner first?"

Dead, unimpressed, silence.

Apparently that's not an appropriate thing to joke about when someone is about to manhandle your man-handle.

It was probably the first time she'd heard it. She just didn't know how to react.

[pylon]

Originally Posted by hayduke's dad

A few years ago I had to go see the proctologist. I lay in a cold room under a paper sheet wearing a half paper robe. I was not feeling olympic. In he comes and asks me if it is ok if he brings his student in with him. I agree and in comes this mid 20's girl. I just wanted to get it all over with and get out. Anyway she has her finger up my butt while she is down there and tells me to push like I am having a bowel movement. I give her a lame one and she tells me to really push like I am having a bowel movement. Well I do and I blast off a huge fart in her face while her finger is still up there feeling the force. I could have died. Only one way to come out of that after apologizing and that was to ask her if she wanted to go for lunch later on that week.

Ok, you win.

/thread

[TheyCallMeBruce]

I had lunch with a friend who I haven't seen in a few months. He looked particularly down, so I asked if everything was ok. He mumbled that his cat died. So I said, "That sucks man, did you manage to take him to the vet? Did they put him down?" I knew his cat was pretty old, but I didn't realize it was time.

He gave me a weird look and responded with, "Uh, not my cat. My dad." I had misheard him and thought he was talking about his cat. Oops.

[manwiches]

This has become one of my new favorite threads on this board.

[TheGrimm]

Originally Posted by hayduke's dad

A few years ago I had to go see the proctologist. I lay in a cold room under a paper sheet wearing a half paper robe. I was not feeling olympic. In he comes and asks me if it is ok if he brings his student in with him. I agree and in comes this mid 20's girl. I just wanted to get it all over with and get out. Anyway she has her finger up my butt while she is down there and tells me to push like I am having a bowel movement. I give her a lame one and she tells me to really push like I am having a bowel movement. Well I do and I blast off a huge fart in her face while her finger is still up there feeling the force. I could have died. Only one way to come out of that after apologizing and that was to ask her if she wanted to go for lunch later on that week.

Why is it that every time you need to get your equipmunk checked it has to be a good looking doc. I was having some pains in a nut a few months ago and figured I should get it checked out, after an awkward check up with my doc SHE refers me to get an ultrasound which is done by a cute 20-something girl. She was super polite and I am one of those awkward guys who cracks even more awkward jokes when I'm nervous. I usually find it relieves tension, I'm trying to remember what I all said:

"Be gentle, it's my first time"
"well, at least you guys keep the room warm"
"lucky you, do you all draw straws to see who gets to perform these each day?"
"Ooh, the gel is warm, that's nice, I was expecting it to be cold"
"Sorry for the lack of manscaping, wasn't expecting i'd be doing this today"

Man, sometimes I wish I would clam up when I get nervous haha.

[verda13]

Out for a coffee with a new-ish friend back in grade 12:

Me: So where does your dad live?
Him: (looking down and mumbles) Deceased...
Me: Where's that?

A millisecond after spitting out my reply, it dawned on me what he said...

[nik-]

Originally Posted by hayduke's dad

A few years ago I had to go see the proctologist. I lay in a cold room under a paper sheet wearing a half paper robe. I was not feeling olympic. In he comes and asks me if it is ok if he brings his student in with him. I agree and in comes this mid 20's girl. I just wanted to get it all over with and get out. Anyway she has her finger up my butt while she is down there and tells me to push like I am having a bowel movement. I give her a lame one and she tells me to really push like I am having a bowel movement. Well I do and I blast off a huge fart in her face while her finger is still up there feeling the force. I could have died. Only one way to come out of that after apologizing and that was to ask her if she wanted to go for lunch later on that week.

did she say yes?

[Knut]

Originally Posted by nik-

did she say yes?

Guessing not. You can actually lose your licence if you go out with a patient. Highly frowned upon.

[jammies]

Originally Posted by photon

I told the girl that she should tell the birthday person cumpleaños feliz since that's happy birthday in Spanish.

Maybe she actually spoke Spanish and knew what you were *really* saying, pervert.

[Displaced Flames fan]

Last car I bought I hopped in after all the paperwork was complete, entire family was with me, and proceeded to back right in to one of those mobile poles made out of a cement filled wheel. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Yet it pales in comparison to....

Sophomore year in high school we are playing a road game (basketball). Pre game drills start and I proceed to pull off my warm up gear. Took my shorts off with the pants. Fast forward 27 years and I get a text from my sister asking me if I stripped to my undrewear in the Ark City gym. She's talking to a teammate of mine who believes I did it on purpose and without hesitation I reply and tell her it was a complete accident.

[photon]

Originally Posted by jammies

Maybe she actually spoke Spanish and knew what you were *really* saying, pervert.

Lol, I don't know Spanish for "your 7 year old daughter is hot".

I remembered another one, I was IMing with an extended family member and we were going back and forth with some funny pictures we'd seen recently on some topic or other. I had sent a few of the Spiderman meme ones that she liked, so I sent this one.



She didn't reply after that but that's not unusual with her, so didn't think much of it.

Then I find out from my wife she had had a miscarriage like the previous week.

She IMed me a few days later like normal, so either she didn't see it, didn't make a connection, or gave me the benefit of the doubt and didn't hold it against me. She has a kid now, but I'm still too afraid to ask.

[goodyear]

This happened at the Oxford Stomp:

I was volunteering there serving food to other volunteers. A bunch of them came in for their beef on a bun dinner and I was on sauce duties, bbq and horseradish.

One woman looked me in the eye hungrily and said, "Put that sauce on my meat". As I reached to give her two scoops of my saucy goodness she added, "Wait, let me spread it out for you."

#DinnerServed

[FurnaceFace]

Tip for the awkward forgetting name thing:
Ask them "sorry, what's you name?"
When they say "<firstname>" and give you a bit of a look reply back with
"Oh, no, your lastname"

Forgetting last names is typically more acceptable.

[troutman]

I once had to cross-examine a doctor about osteogenesis imperfecta in a shaken baby case. One the of the indicators of the condition is discolored teeth.

Me: Did you notice discolored teeth?
Doctor: Babies don't have teeth.
Courtroom: Laughter

Did it again with another doctor.

[squiggs96]

Originally Posted by TheGrimm

Why is it that every time you need to get your equipmunk checked it has to be a good looking doc. I was having some pains in a nut a few months ago and figured I should get it checked out, after an awkward check up with my doc SHE refers me to get an ultrasound which is done by a cute 20-something girl. She was super polite and I am one of those awkward guys who cracks even more awkward jokes when I'm nervous. I usually find it relieves tension, I'm trying to remember what I all said:

So, you're telling us that you'd rather have some ugly old guy, possibly with giant sausage fingers, put his finger in your ass, instead of a cute 20 year old girl? I'm not one to care about your preferences in gender, but if I have the option, I'm taking the hot girl every time. I'd also guess her fingers were more slender.

I had an inguinal hernia a few years ago and got the ultrasound. I was way more comfortable having a female take care of it, than I would have if it was a male.