Relationship advice

[puckluck]

Originally Posted by MrMastodonFarm

You'd do it if you had to, so you're for it. You might not like it, but you're for it, you just don't realize you are yet.

Ohhh Gawdd I'm for it

[Maritime Q-Scout]

No question you're in a difficult situation.

As Photon said, you're in week 8, best wait until week 20 to see how things go. Miscarriage isn't something to hope for, nor is it something you want. But it is a possibility, and more common than you'd think.


As for the relationship, if you got along living apart for 2 years, then going back to living apart should be possible. If you wanted to break up, you're going to have to do it carefully. Explain that you want to be the best dad you can possibly be, and will support your child as best you can, however you don't think that you two as a couple will work, and you don't want your child (use the term our child) growing up in a hostile environment.

If you choose to stay together, getting professional couples help is a good idea. Go to school full time. It will pay off, get the career you want and enjoy. I know a few paramedics and they all love it. You're doing a huge service to the community and your fellow man. It will be tough when starting out, but it'll be worth it in the end. As for work currently, if you can pull off full-time for your child, do it. If you don't think you can, then part-time it is. You can only get so much blood from a stone.

Remember to do what's best for your child, and be civil to each other. For some reason I keep thinking of the series finale of Mad About You, where the future is narrated by Paul & Jamie's daughter, she mentions how they divorced but were both always there for her, and never let their separation get in the way of their relationship with her.

That's what you want, to be able to have a strong relationship with your child above all else. Do whatever it takes to have that. That's the #1 thing in all of this.

Good luck, and don't forget to get sleep and eat well.

[Vox]

Originally Posted by photon

This brings up a good point, you could even wait until after 20 weeks or so. It's not a pleasant thing to think about, but the miscarriage rate before then is non-trivial... I don't recommend new parents to tell everyone else about their news until after that.

Over 30% of pregnancies miscarry in the first trimester, and often before the mother even knows she is pregnant. But after that 3 month mark the risk drops dramatically.

Also, as Photon said an amnio does carry some risk, so I'd be surprised if they would do one for a paternity test.

I also agree with Sylvanfan that the first few months are pretty hard on the mother, so quite likely the behaviour dissentower is perceiving is probably hormonal. So dissentower, I hope you don't read to much into her current state. Also, I have to imagine she is pretty scared, confused, and possibly embarrassed right now, which is going to be hard for everyone.

The best advice I've read in the last few pages is go see a councillor. While waiting too long to make a decision is never good, neither is rushing to make one too early.

[puckluck]

Originally Posted by Vox

Over 30% of pregnancies miscarry in the first trimester, and often before the mother even knows she is pregnant. But after that 3 month mark the risk drops dramatically.

You mean that 30% of pregnancies that do miscarry, miscarry in the first trimester?

[dissentowner]

For all you dads out there...how in the hell do you deal with those raunchy farts???
This girl could peel paint with her gas! I actually was looking it up online to see what causes it and ran across this gem!
http://www.hisboyscanswim.com/473/pr...d-out-of-house

[Vox]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

I am in an extremely ugly situation and I don't know what to do!
I have been seeing the same girl for two years, we moved in together 2 months ago. We have never had much in common to start with except good sex. I have been upgrading my education and planned on going to college for the next 3 years. After we moved into together we have done nothing but fight and bicker and it has gotten to the point where everything she does annoys me and I really don't like being around her. So I decided that I would move out and I was going to tell her but she dropped a bomb on me first, she is pregnant. We took every precaution to prevent that and yet it is what it is. We talked about it and I told her it was the worst timing, she is a supply teacher trying to get a long term position come fall and now she won't be able to return and I am working part time and going to school in September full time to be a paramedic. I brought up abortion and got my head snapped off, it is not an option for her and she insists on keeping it. She has gotten even more meaner and moody and now she just wants me to do everything and when I do it everything is done wrong according to her and she is driving me nuts! We argue about everything and have nothing in common nor do ever agree about anything. I don't want to be a dick and just take off on her but I don't want to be miserable all the time either. WTF do I do??

Dissentower, I followed up my previous post with a PM to you.

[Traditional_Ale]

dissentower:

I say a lot of really controversial and offensive things here on CP. Some of it is legit, and most of it is grandstanding wrapped in barely enough substance to perpetuate the thread past the point where I bow out.

But this is seriously from the heart, man:

Assuming the child is yours, you need to talk to your parents immediately. Knowing for sure or not, talk to them and let them know what may be coming for you. Too many of us are raised in this ideal that having a baby before "everything is absolutely perfect" is the ultimate disaster, but unless your parents are shallow a-holes, then this will not be the case. In fact, most first babies I would argue occur under far less than "ideal circumstances", whatever the eff they are???

My Dad is 60, I am 27 and the oldest of three and he doesn't even have one whiff of a grand-child yet. While I have close friends who have beautiful and wonderful families making even less than I do, I continually go back in my head to some Catholic School programming that career and blah blah blah are all important in raising the "perfect" child. THEY ARE NOT. I am often in envy of a close buddy my age who has three daughters and a beautiful wife. Regardless of finances, I love babysitting those kids.

Your parents will be thrilled with the idea of being grandparents. Don't ever doubt it for a second. You say: "Dad, Mom, you're going to be grandparents, and for the sake of the child, the mother, and myself I NEED to finish school. To provide for the emotional needs of my own life and the real-life and emotional needs of my baby. It takes a villiage to raise a child. Can you please help me? Even if just baby sitting and such?"

They will be happy to. And proud of you for standing up and being a MAN, and stand-up MAN, and not some self-pitying POS that so many deadbeat fathers are today.

Best of luck.

[Vox]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

For all you dads out there...how in the hell do you deal with those raunchy farts???
This girl could peel paint with her gas! I actually was looking it up online to see what causes it and ran across this gem!
http://www.hisboyscanswim.com/473/pr...d-out-of-house

Just wait until the baby serves up a few. But the cool thing is, it won't bother you a bit. You will actually find it really cute.

[drewboy12]

I think there is a few good seat sales to Europe right now.

[Slava]

I thought that I would chime in to say that maybe you should try the relationship still. I know that I'm in the minority here, but women do get pretty crazy during a pregnancy. You say that you moved in about 2 months ago, and she is about 8 weeks along....coincidentally you've been fighting a lot. I know it seems weird, but that could be the reason shes been a bag as of late?

I know that when my wife just became pregnant with our second she knew in part because "she had been really hating me"! It was a little awkward when the first test came back negative...but in the end I suppose it was justified!

All I'm saying is that if the pregnancy is the problem without you knowing then maybe its worth waiting it out? Sure, you should protect yourself and things like that, but you could still stick it out for at least a few months and see if things clear up for her emotionally.

[First Lady]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

I am in an extremely ugly situation and I don't know what to do!
I have been seeing the same girl for two years, we moved in together 2 months ago. We have never had much in common to start with except good sex. I have been upgrading my education and planned on going to college for the next 3 years. After we moved into together we have done nothing but fight and bicker and it has gotten to the point where everything she does annoys me and I really don't like being around her. So I decided that I would move out and I was going to tell her but she dropped a bomb on me first, she is pregnant. We took every precaution to prevent that and yet it is what it is. We talked about it and I told her it was the worst timing, she is a supply teacher trying to get a long term position come fall and now she won't be able to return and I am working part time and going to school in September full time to be a paramedic. I brought up abortion and got my head snapped off, it is not an option for her and she insists on keeping it. She has gotten even more meaner and moody and now she just wants me to do everything and when I do it everything is done wrong according to her and she is driving me nuts! We argue about everything and have nothing in common nor do ever agree about anything. I don't want to be a dick and just take off on her but I don't want to be miserable all the time either. WTF do I do??

Being (likely) the oldest person on this board, and being thru a few relationships (good, bad and ugly)... I'm going to offer my 2 bits.

I think your answer is in your first paragraph.

Most people move in with one another to test the waters. Usually there is a "honeymoon" phase, this can last up to 2 years. This is regardless of how long they dated before hand. Living together is totally different than dating.

What you have described is clearly not that. Had it been, even when she was annoying, you would have found a way to accept it; or even try to coax her out of bad moods. You have described not even having the patience to deal with her. Plus your key comment is that you had already decided to leave.

As much as I believe in marriage, mother / father, yada, yada.... sometimes it's not best for the child. If you couldn't stand to be there, why subject an innocent child to that.

I say split sooner rather than later. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be. You are only second guessing yourself now because of this new twist.

Once you are out, you can start to deal with all the other details.


BTW just as a side story: I was a pregnant teen, kept the baby and didn't marry him, I survived. He stayed out of my daughters life while she was growing up. (my choice). She searched him out when she turned 18 and they now have a great relationship.

[Vox]

Originally Posted by puckluck

You mean that 30% of pregnancies that do miscarry, miscarry in the first trimester?

No, I mean that 30% of pregnancies do not make it past the first trimester. Many of those miscarriages are very eary, and the mother never even knows she was pregnant. Miscarriages after the first trimester are uncommon.

[photon]

Originally Posted by puckluck

You mean that 30% of pregnancies that do miscarry, miscarry in the first trimester?

30% of all pregnancies miscarry, and half before the mother knows they're pregnant.

[puckluck]

Originally Posted by Vox

No, I mean that 30% of pregnancies do not make it past the first trimester. Many of those miscarriages are very eary, and the mother never even knows she was pregnant. Miscarriages after the first trimester are uncommon.

Interesting, I didn't know that.

[csnarpy]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

For all you dads out there...how in the hell do you deal with those raunchy farts???
This girl could peel paint with her gas! I actually was looking it up online to see what causes it and ran across this gem!
http://www.hisboyscanswim.com/473/pr...d-out-of-house

Love this comment. My wife is pregnant with our second and it's like a gas factory most of the night! Was the same with our first!

EDIT: that article is frikkin great, my wife and i were in tears reading that.

[DrJ]

My 2 cents:

To my knowledge, a pregnancy test testing for hCG can be performed after 3 weeks since her last period. If she is 8 weeks pregnant and just told you now, there may be trust issues as you alluded to among other things. Based on your own perception of your relationship (always bickering, can't stand her, etc.) I believe it would be unhealthy for yourself, herself and especially the baby if you were to continue to be with each other unless you sorted this out.

I recommend you talk to your family physician and they put you in touch with someone with experience in family planning. The key thing is that you try and maintain dialogue and some form of respect with your partner as this is the only thing that will allow you to move forward. If you two aren't talking, how can you come to a conclusion that will cause the least amount of harm and do the most good to all parties involved? Also, if you have any other support networks that you can lean on, you can also consult them (parents, friends, family etc.)

In short: maintain dialogue and suggest to your partner that together, you should seek some professional help. Talk to your family doctor and they can refer you to family planning resources. Once there, you will get options. You will get the pros and cons of these scenarios and this should be a forum in which you can state your position on the matter as well as hearing your partner's in a professional setting. This is obviously a life-altering decision you need to make and just leaving would be irresponsible and unethical. I know you have your commitments, I know your partner does, too. However, you need to seek some professional help to assist you when moving forward.

Edit: Reading some more posts above, I wanted to comment on some advice stating "having the best relationship with your child is very important." While I agree that this could be very important, in some cases it may not be the appropriate scenario. Not trying to challenge those statements but wanted to add an asterisk because being a part of a child's life is a huge responsibility that is not always the best for either the child or the parents.

[Flames in 07]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

I am leaning towards moving out but going to all the doctor appointments and trying to be supportive however I hinted at it the other day after an argument and she told me if I left she would rather me just disappear from her life.

I haven't read the rest of the thread but i wanted to point out that she's a manipulator and successfully manipulating you.

This sounds like something someone says to manipulate you to stay. You also said she doesn't want you to go to school. It sounds to me like misery likes company and she's trying to keep you down and without options.

[HHW]

This may or may not apply to you, but I can personally testify that having the GF move in is often a recipe for plenty of short-term annoyance, even if the relationship is solid otherwise. If you're getting pissed off about stuff like where to leave the dirty knickers and how to organize the cupboards, that may pass. You don't realize how much of a creature of habbit you are until you have to share your cave.

[HeartsOfFire]

My girlfriend moved in with me January 1st. Since then it has been a roller coaster ride for us too. Since she's started her new job and I got my old one back, things have been peachy-keen.

Having said that, our long-term goals are still way off. She eventually wants to move back home to Washington state to be closer to her family, friends, and old life. I have no intention of ever leaving Calgary before I retire, if it can be helped at all. So for the time being, we're living together while she's on a work Visa, and for the forseeable future it will stay that way. I realize that January 1, 2011 she can apply for permanent residency and after 3 years, she can apply for citizenship as well as the government will start considering us a common-law married couple, even if we aren't officially married. At that point in time, a breakup will get messy. Fortunately, I am the sole title owner of my condo so she'll never be able to take that from me.

I'm pretty confident that we'll one year go our separate ways. Either pleasantly or forcefully is yet to be determined.

[WilsonFourTwo]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

8 weeks.

I know I'm a little late to the party here, forgive me if I'm just rehashing stuff that's already been said......

So she got pregnant right around the time you moved in together?
So you started fighting like crazy around the time you moved in together?

While I'm sure some of it is personality-based conflict, are you absolutely sure hormonal changes aren't making her a total b***h? While it doesn't happen to all women, many go absolutely batcrap crazy when pregnant.

I would give you two specific pieces of advice, assuming that the kid is 100% yours.

1. Don't throw away a quality relationship unless you're convinced that it can't be salvaged. In trying to assess the situation, I'd ask myself how she must be feeling. Her body has gone crazy, she has likely been feeling alone, she's living with someone new......pretty significant changes......perhaps you need to handle her differently now.

2. Don't stay together "for the kid". Trust me, it definitely doesn't help the kid. In fact, I think that's what led to all this Hipster garbage.

Good Luck Buddy.